What Do We Want?

I always ask myself that every morning.

What do I want?

Do we know what we want? Do we think we know what we want? Do we want what we want because we want it or because we think we should have it?

A friend of mine was chatting with me this morning and telling me that there is this girl whom he just met and thinks she is pretty interesting, and is asking me if he shall pursue it. I reminded him that he has a girlfriend, and this girlfriend has 'everything he ever wanted' according to him.

But apparently; yes, she does have everything he wants (she ticks all the right boxes) but he just can't love her. He keeps telling me how much he is trying to fall in love with her, and he just can't. He claims that she is too good for him. She doesn't 'play games'. His argument is that, all his life he was always attracted to the ones who are not easy to get whenever he is in the hunting game. But this girl, was too easy. Her only crime, is that she is a normal, simple, bubbly girl who likes him and is attracted to him. My friend doesn't want that. He wants someone to neglect his calls and ignore them on purpose. He wants someone who won't fall for him after a couple of dates. He wants someone who will not go the extra mile for him.

Do you think my friend is crazy? You probably do. But I don't. Why?

Because I've been there before. You probably have been too, but you just can't remember.

This gets us to the main question, 'What do you want?'

I believe every single one of us should get a piece of paper, and write down what he is looking for, and most importantly, why is he looking for it?

If you ask a group of single women between the age of 23 and 33, most of them will tell you, 'We want to get married.' Try asking them, 'Why do you want to get married?' and then you will be able to listen to a variety of different answers, and these answers are the ones they, should pay all the importance to it.

We might differ in our beliefs. But I believe each of us should work hard towards those beliefs. A week ago I was talking with a friend of mine who, clearly, is not very happy lately. She is 31. She is still single. She has it all. And when I say she has it all, I mean, 'she ticks all the boxes a lot of guys are looking for'. She was telling me how unhappy she is lately due to problems at work, family, etc. I told her to do something crazy and fun to get her confidence levels back. Something she didn't do before, or something she hasn't done for some time. I was going to give her examples, like going to a karaoke and sing her lungs out, or going to Lebanon for the weekend. But then I told her, 'Why don't you give the guy you like a call and take him out for dinner?' A part of me was being serious and a part of me was trying to cheer her up. I don't even know if she likes someone or not. Anyway, that's not the point, really. It was her reply that was very shocking, and took me a good few minutes to digest it before letting all the rage out. She replied by saying, 'That's a nice idea, but who will pay for the cheque?' I actually re-read her message again and again trying to understand what the hell she was trying to say, because I hoped it wouldn't be what I had in mind, and even though I am sure she meant what I feared, I still asked her, 'What do you mean, I don't get it?' and she said, 'If I take him out to dinner, who will pay for the dinner. Of course I won't pay for dinner, I don't pay for anyone.' I totally raged at her, accusing her of stupidity, and accusing anyone who thinks like that as stupid, and even told her that I am lucky enough that all my girlfriends didn't have her mentality, etc. I even asked her, how come, such an educated person, who is from the circle of the society and same social class I am from thinks like that? This girl is a good friend of mine, but I didn't know her much in the past, we started getting closer over the past year only. I don't know who she dated or how long her relationships lasted. I was sure before that conversation that this girl is not materialistic. I could have sworn on that. She actually got offended when I told her that she is sick and said that I am rude, and told me that she wants someone to take care of her and pamper her, not the opposite. I didn't take the conversation any further.

I hate guys who are stingy. I make fun of guys who are cheap and who make their girls pay. There is no divine saying that guys should pay, but this is a common trait, unspoken, in the world we live in, that we guys, should always pamper our girls. And most of us do that. Most of us pay all the time. But sometimes we don't have money. Sometimes we are broke, and we just stay home. Sometimes our girls just take us out and say, 'It's on me tonight'. If I am a girl, I would actually LOVE calling the guy I like and tell him to get ready because I am taking him out for dinner. I believe any girl in the world would love that. Regardless of the place they end up going to or the amount of money she will pay at the end, but the thought in itself is pure magic, and any guy would be fond and fall for it, just like girls fall for us whenever we do something cute. That girl wouldn't have done it anyway, because she is weak, and she is brought up believing that girls should never approach guys. She believes that when a guy takes a girl out on a date and drops her home, that the girl shouldn't send him a text saying she had fun, and the guy - after that great night that he planned, executed and paid for - should still send her telling her how beautiful and amazing she was.

This is a girl that I would never even date let alone marry. I don't know why that girl is still single, but I am pretty sure she will not find that 'prince charming' anytime soon.

She really pissed me off. Throughout all my life all the girls I dated, I always paid, not because anything but because I like to pamper them. And every now and then the girls wanted to pay, and I let them, to make them feel good about themselves. But those girls used to let me pay because I want to pay, not because they thought that I have to because I am the man. Had they ever talked about me paying because I am the man, and I HAVE to pay, then I would have ended this relationship on the spot.

I don't want to judge the girl, but back to our main topic, this girl knows what she wants. She wants someone to take care of her and pamper her, pays for her and never let worry about anything. Even if I disagree with her ideology but at least she knows what she wants, and maybe that's why she is 31 and still not committed. Maybe because all the guys she met, no matter how nice they are, but still they don't tick her boxes or meet her needs, and this is a girl I respect. If this girl ever ends up with someone 'with my mentality' then I will feel sorry for her, because deep inside she will not be happy. Maybe she will settle for 2nd best when she feels old and her friends are already with two and three babies. Maybe due to the pressure from her family. I don't know, but I hope she finds what she is looking for.

So, what do you want? And, why do you want it?

Let's try this exercise. If I am going to list some of the stuff I want, they will be:

1- I want to change jobs.
2- I want to lose weight.
3- I want to focus more on my religion.
4- I want to keep growing personally.
5- I want to find love, in me, around me, and in the people I deal with.

Now let's find out, why do I specifically want those five things?

1- I want to change jobs, because I don't feel that I am growing anymore. I am not making enough money. In a perfect world, I would never leave my job. I've been here for almost five years. I love the people here, it's like my 2nd home. People complain about the traffic, and they take hours going to work and more hours going back home, while it takes me a six minute walk, I live right in the same street. I love the field, and I am the most experienced and senior person in my department. But I feel that it's not getting me where I want to be. We all thrive for the best. We all want to be making more money. We all want to learn new things and find new challenges. I don't get the excitement I used to get anymore here. I need new things, and I need a fresh start, in the never-ending journey of the corporate life.

2- I want to lose weight, because I was happier when I was thinner. I was more mobile. I was more alert, and I was more punctual. It was easy while I am doing sports, whether it is football or squash, or whether it was walking; everything seemed easy. I am also becoming a health freak, not in the 'gay' sense, but lately, people with strong and perfect health are dying, getting cancer and getting all sorts of problems, and it is really funny, because the more fit you are the higher the chance for you to get sick, but I am not falling for that crap, and I actually believe that the fitter you are, the better you will be.

3- What is religion? Is religion just practicing, or is it learning and understanding? Is religion obedience or is it love? Should we label people as religious by the way they look, or by the way they act? I would be a liar if I answer any of the above. I don't know what is religion to you, and I can't judge how it should be. Even atheists would tell you that if you can find that 'peace' you're looking for in life with religion then keep it. Maybe to some religion is a comfort zone, it is the shell they hide under, and to some it is the love and positivity they need to go on every day in the sophisticated life we live in. That's why I want to focus on religion. I want to know different answers. I want to seek the right answers. I am a strong believer in religion and I want to know more. I am 28 and if one of those atheist friends of mine decides to enter a debate with me on religion, I would probably be puzzled by his answers and I know that I won't be able to answer half of them. Religion is easily felt and harder to be explained. I want to have the knowledge in my religion the same way as I have knowledge in football, music and movies. I want to be able to answer my son when he tells me why do we pray, and deliver a convincing answer to my daughter when she asks me why are women veiled and others with a niqab and the majority showing their hair. I want to have answers to those questions, and to many more. I don't want to be fake, or to fake what I do. I know that I could spend the coming time left in my life searching for the answers without finding them, but when I die, I would know that I have tried. And that, I did exert the effort in trying.

4- Nothing is better than personal growth. Nothing elevates the feeling of self satisfaction. Just like the satisfaction I get from losing weight; growing and nurturing your inner self is a lovable experience. To be in the state of sitting there alone with no regrets, no grudges, nothing. To actually look in the mirror and say, 'I am great.' To be humble yet confident. To be knowledgeable yet a student. To be aware yet an explorer. To be right but not afraid to be mistaken.

5- I hate a lot of things. I will not be able to change the things I hate in people, nor will I try to because I wouldn't like it if someone tries to change anything in me, but I am only going to see the good side in people. I am not going to put myself in a situation to deal with people where I might not be fond of them or that will make me look for reasons not to hang with them. I see a lot of negativity and hatred and pessimism and attack and jealousy and envy in the people I deal with, whether face to face, whether on the internet, it's everywhere. I've always been a criticiser, and opinionated, but lately I am minding my own business. I don't like many things what people say, or many of the things they write. I am shocked at the number of people with really sick mentalities. People who just criticise for the sake of being different or for the sake of attracting attention. People who just sit there not wanting to change, not wanting to become better people, not wanting to amend their lifestyles. Who am I anyway? Am I going to change the world? I have no right to change the people. I have no right to change the world. I don't even have the right to advise them or give them my opinion. I love myself, and I will continue to love myself, and find new ways to love myself more, and this way, I will be able to the good only in people, I am not longer going to see the bad in people, nor will I judge them, they're free to do what they want, write what they feel, befriend whoever they want, etc. I am going to do what I want, what I feel like, and go to places that fills me with joy, and happiness, and makes me content, I am not going to go hang around people just because I 'have to', or go to places just because 'my friends hang there'. If I don't want to go there, I won't go there. If I don't want to see you then I will not see you. I am not going to keep hindering my own progression to please other groups of people. I am going to do what I want, and what I feel is right. The perfect scenario is to go live abroad. I've been open to job offers for the past few years, especially from Dubai, and I never got something concrete, and never got something rewarding that would make me do the move. Lately, that's probably the only thing I want; as mentioned in point number one of the things I want; 'to change jobs' and I believe that getting a job offer abroad is the best thing that could happen to me, especially that I don't fit anymore here. As you probably have seen in my posts, the happiness within me is fading in this country, I no longer fit. I don't fit with most of my friends. I don't fit with the random people on the street, or the loudness and pollution this country is offering. I just only feel safe at home. I don't feel safe when I am out. I don't feel happy when I am out. A change to another country would do me the world of good. It's not that I want to meet new people, because I could do this here. I need a new start. A new life. I want to finish work and go home sit there, read, watch TV, sleep, or go out late at night to have a snack without anyone judging me. I don't want to have commitments to see people I don't want to see, or to do things I don't want to do, I don't want to leave the house and go to that place just because I know that my friends are there. I want to go down not knowing where I am going, but it's my heart that will carry me to that place. I want to be free, and no matter how free I am here, I am still stuck in a cage, with only one exit door, and that exit door, leads to the same places and the same faces that have been there all my life. I don't think that I am getting any offers soon though. It is becoming hard, and lately, most of the people I know who relocated there, actually had to search for job offers while they are there on vacation.

I will break free, one day I will, but till then, I am going to be freeing myself from all the dirt and stains in my life and focus on the current five things I really want. Maybe the moment to break free is delayed so that when it happens, I will not be desperate for it like someone who wants to turn the page, but instead, to colour the existing page I am already writing.

The Rise and Fall of the Only Zeek.

I love Hitler. I loved studying him to be precise. I don't care about him as a person, or a leader, but I loved studying him back in school. I remember there was a book titled, 'The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich', which embodied his life, and hence, the title of this post, The Rise and Fall of the Only Zeek, because there is no first, second or third Zeek. I am only one.

This past month has been a roller-coaster ride. Actually, the whole year has been very intense really. During the process of the book, I didn't have the time to see a lot of people. I used to see my friends more or less once a week. I was more in an isolated cube. My friends were pissed off the fact that I was always 'busy'. No one knew I was working on the book. Even my family, I only told them when the book was about to hit the publishing house like 2 months ago.

Something major is happening in my life. I don't know what is it. But something major is taking place. I am not talking about the book. I am not talking about love. For all I know, I have been single for a long time now, more than I can remember. I just feel that my life is finally taking the shape it should be in. You know, each one of us is destined for something. Just like a football player who is currently playing for a local club, as a supporter, you know that this player is destined to end somewhere else, playing abroad in Europe's top clubs, or on the contrary, ending in a lower division in his country. I don't know what I am destined to or where will I be, but my life is never going to be the same again. I feel that I am going to enter a new challenge. I don't know if it will be here or abroad, but I do feel it in me. I don't know what type of challenge will it be. Maybe, and probably it will be work related. Maybe it will be life related. I don't know anything really, that's why I might not be making any sense.

I want to get away though. I am not into change, nor do I like it, but I can't see myself fitting here anymore. I love my country. I want to stay here. But nothing is working out, really. I love my job, but I am not getting paid enough. I believe in stability and family love, but how will I ever get married if I can barely go 15 days without finishing up my salary? Let alone, that I am not in love anymore. Speaking of love, I feel that there is a part of me that is lost. No more it is there. Maybe because of the numerous relationships I've been in and the one off's I had throughout my life, I don't know really know, but there is nothing that satisfies me. I don't know what I want. No, I actually know what I want, but I don't know if she exists. I am sure she exists. I am even sure we met, talked and could have even been in a relationship before. Maybe. I am sure that if I see her again I will hold on to her no matter what. I don't want to get in relationships now with people who are just 'good enough'. I am not looking for good enough. I am not looking for perfection either. The girl I will end up with will be perfect in my eyes, and that's enough, but how can I like someone who I don't even have the 'TO DIE FOR' thrill when I see her, just because she is good enough?

I am bitterly disappointed in a lot of things. A lot of people. A lot of places. The bar has been raised. When you're a manager, you don't actually think in the same way you used to as an executive. And when you're a director, it will totally feel different and so on. Well, this is how I feel with life. Every passing day, the bar gets raised, and I am no longer satisfied with things that would have satisfied me the day before, and so on. If you have been reading my blog over the year (and I am sure only a few are), you would relate in a way to my pessimistic tone when it comes to disappointment. I am a very optimistic person. Actually I have never met a more optimistic bubbly person than myself. That's a fact. I love life. I love to smile. I live to smile. I enjoy laughing, and I make the world shine on the people around me. This is not the case anymore. My friends are no longer my friends. My best friends are no longer my best friends. Even the stranger do not feel strange anymore. Throughout all my writings, I've also stressed on the importance of my circle of friends. My love for and to them. I always referred to us as ONE. How the importance of the manhood and the man-pact we have. The decline of that empire started taking place a little bit over 3 years ago. And now, it's crumbling.

I have lots of friends, but there are 15 who are really close to my heart, and they are the ones who I would refer to as 'best friend', each in his own way. I am talking about the guys (males). Not all the 15 sit with each other. Actually not all of them even like one another, and that's why, they are divided into 4 groups. Yes, four different groups! One group in particular, is closer to me than the rest of the other 3, because they more or less play in the same circle of life I am in, share the same interests and hobbies. In the past 2 years, my interests and hobbies changed, yet, I still used to favour that group on the rest. They are the first ones who I contact when I decide to go down. They are the first group of people I check their availability before I check with the other groups, because, as mentioned above, the groups don't like each other. When I used to smoke shisha, I was available all the time. I was always available. I used to connect the four different groups together, because I am the focal point in all. After I quit. I stopped going down every day. I have different interests now, and I have a different vision to life, and that's why the four groups cemented their separation. They actually were happy they no longer have to associate with the others. BUT. They missed me. Each group, wanted to see me, daily, and they had all the right in the world, because they love me; but, this doesn't mean that I have to see them every day, does it? They should understand my priorities, and they should understand what's happening in my life, they should understand the change. No offense, but none of my friends lost one of his parents. None of my friends quit smoking, and smoking here is not an activity, it was a lifestyle form and the only thing that I did for the past 14 years of my life, before even knowing many of them. My friends didn't even welcome that change I was in. They didn't try to understand, and even when they did, they still felt selfish. I will never ask them to be in my shoes, because this is not a movie you are going to enter and come out after three hours and say if you like it or not. I can understand my friends' rage and disappointment had I decided to abandon them and stick with one circle of friends from the four, or even decide to have a new group of friends with new hobbies or interests, but this is not the case, and it never have been. Whenever I decide to go out, my friends are the first people I contact, the first ones I thrive to see, and the only people I actually want to see.

I am disappointed. None of my friends knew I was writing a book. Hell, not even my family knew. I only involved two people from those 15, in order to write me a foreword, and the reasons behind picking those two was not out of anything but the fact that that they fit the criteria I was looking for, as I was trying to get different sorts of people (i.e. current smokers, ex smokers, etc.) - and even those two people found out right before I publish the book, so they were not even involved in anything.

Yet, I sensed that my friends got disappointed when they found out I published a book. I didn't see the joy in their faces, or their happiness when they found out about it after I told them. To me, writing a book was probably the most important thing I ever did in my life, and they know quite well that this is not something I usually do (it's not my 10th book, it's my first!) and they know how important this is for me, and I didn't see the excitement, or in other words, didn't feel it. Some of my friends are dying to get married, and some are dying to get out of the country, and some are dying to find a right job, and if any of them come and tell me that he is going to get married - and I know how important this is to him - then hell yeah I am going to be the happiest man in the world, because, one of my friends aka BROTHER is getting his number wish accomplished.

The book has been out for almost a month, and very few people from the 15 bought the book. I got comments by some of them that the only bookshop selling it is far, and they will wait till it is somewhere near. Can you imagine? If a friend of mine invites me to his wedding on the other side of town, will I go or will I not go? We all ditch weddings of people we are not close to, but we will all go to and even travel to weddings of our close and best friends. And that's why most of the 15 people came to my engagement two years ago when it was held in another city (and the ones who couldn't make it were abroad on business). Some of those people even came from abroad where they live to attend my 5 to 6 hour engagement and return back, paying a huge cost of money. Had I released this book two years ago, all of my friends would have bought it on the day of release. The same exact hour. Because back then, they considered me 'one of them'. But now, they don't. To them now, I am just an extra.

I am not directing my words or thoughts to all my 15 brothers, because very few of them proved to me how much I mean to them. Some might say, 'Are you stupid, do you base a friendship on your book purchase?' - and no, I am not stupid enough to do that, even though if I decide to, no one can blame me, but I took a moment back and looked at the wide picture. Those people who actually bought the book are those people who call me because they love me, not because they want a favour. Those people are the same ones who never attacked me when I decided to have my time alone (more or less), and always defended me, those people are the ones who have been with me through thick and thin, who will call me up whenever there is a new girl they met, and even if they haven't seen me for weeks, they will call me up to tell me about it and take my opinion.

You know what's sad? What's sad is that some of those people are people that lately, in the past five years, I haven't been that 'amazing' friend in return. I used to always favour a certain group of people over them, due to my comfort zone and due to the fact that they share more interests with me than the others. And in spite all that, the people I drifted away from didn't treat me differently even though they had all the right to do so. I feel ashamed. I feel pathetic. Really. Last week I was very busy with one of my closest friends ever due to his father's death. A guy who grew up with me and was one day the closest person to me for quite a long time in my life. That guy is included in the list of 15 because of the longevity not because of closeness, because that guy I have seen him only three times in the past five years (one of them was by coincidence in the street). Throughout the last week only I saw him more than three times. This guy was inseparable in my life from 1993 till 2000. He used to be with me daily, he considered my family as his and vice versa. His father may he RIP was like a father to me. He used to depend on me taking care of his son. My friend decided in 2000 that he wants to live another life, a loud life, a partying life, which didn't fit in with mine, and so from 2000 till 2004 we only used to see one another once every other month. We missed each other, but we understood that our lives are different. In the past six years my friend went through a lot of problems, mentally and medically. He suffered a lot of traumas and been into a car accident, and during this time he's been home, rarely going out, on medications, and he gained tremendous amounts of weight (he was the thinnest guy I ever knew).

Throughout last week, I've been doing a lot of thinking while I've been busy with my friend.

I feel more ashamed and more pathetic. How the hell did I leave my friend alone throughout all those years? I knew his fake friends didn't ask about him, and the blame goes out to his original friends, which are me and a couple of other people who were all together from school. The others are living abroad, and they only come here once or twice a year. How didn't I have time for him? A part of me is in denial because I used to check on him through his sister and his father. Another part of me was in the comfort zone, sitting with my other friends. My other friends who didn't even go buy my first book because they are lazy to drive to Nasr City (put in mind that the book is now everywhere, and they still didn't buy it. Put in mind that we had a week long Eid vacation and the streets were empty and they still didn't buy it. Put in mind that many other people who are not even close to me bought it). One of my very good friends, who is not in the list of 15 brothers is the famous actor, Sherif Ramzy. I remember when his first movie was out. We all went to see it the same day it was out. I remember him being pissed off at the people who didn't go watch it on the first day, and when I used to tell him that they will definitely go tomorrow or the day after, he told me that I will never understand how important this is to him. And guess what, now I know, and now I relate to it, and now I feel it. Especially when people I don't know well bought the book, read it, and even sent me their opinion, yet, my friends, the people I picked out of the rest of the entire world to be my friends, still didn't even buy it. Sherif Ramzy acted in a lot of movies. I was there on the first day of the release of the first four movies at least. After that I used to wait a week and go, and his last movie which was released a few months back, I didn't even see it. That's why I said at the beginning that I would have understood my friends' response had this been my 10th book, or even my 3rd or 4th, but no way in hell I thought about the fact that they won't go buy my first, and probably last book).

I am very sorry. This 'Sorry' goes out to my friend. It goes out to all the people, from the 15, and anyone who I didn't treat right, to anyone who didn't get the same treatment and attitude I shared with others. I am going to make amends, and I am now going to show you who the real Zeek is. The old Zeek. The Zeek who was there for everyone. I am sorry I favoured people over you, and I am sorry I was a bad friend. I hope it's never too late. I know you love me inside of you, and I am sure I will win you back.

I started writing this about two weeks ago, and I stopped midway, due to the fact that I was very busy with my friend. My friend's father passed away on the 13th of November. That's why the date of the post will be 9th of November even though we are now the 21st. Just mentioning that in case the sequence of events and writings not making sense due to the date, so in order for you to understand.

The reason I decided to post this now, is that because the country is in chaos, and I don't know if there will be access to the internet in the coming few days or if we will come to work, no one knows what will happen. I am going to leave work now, go home, have a nice meal, and I am heading to Tahrir, even though I am not the biggest fan of what has been happening by the people throughout the past 6 months, but I feel pathetic that people are dying and being shot and this is a time that all of us should be down there helping, just like we did on the 28th of January.

Excuse me if this post might have been offensive to you (I am sure it shouldn't be anyway) and if there are typos or things that didn't make sense, I just don't have time to revise.

Stay safe.

It's time to go save the world. :)

Sorry, I don't Smoke.

Finally!!!!

Wifey.

I want a girl who will wake me up when Fagr calls to pray with her. I want a girl who will teach me how to cook. I want a girl who will only curse when we're in bed. I want a girl who's not into politics. I want a girl who will leave me a note in the morning on the refrigerator which says, 'I love you'. I want a girl who will wake me up in the middle of the night to check if I'm alive or not even if I am already snoring. I want a girl who prays not because she has to but because she loves to. I want a girl who will elevate and lift me up spiritually and emotionally. I want a girl who will go book shopping with me. I want a girl who loves playing the music loud in the car and singing out loud. I want a girl who won't necessarily share the same music taste, but she must know my favourite songs and albums. I want a girl who despise smoking and drinking. I want a girl who will postpone going to a movie from 6 to 9 because she knows Maghrib will call during the movie and she won't be able to pray, so instead she will go from 9 to 12. I want a girl who opens the Quran to read not only in Ramadan, but on daily basis, and she does that because she wants to, and if she doesn't then she will feel something is missing throughout her day. I want a girl who won't spend 12 hours working like a maniac for five days a week. I want a girl who's not tempered. I want a girl who will kiss me every single time we get in an elevator. I want a girl who will always smell nice. I want a girl who appreciates her family in order to understand my relationship with my very own. I want a girl who will never ever feel the urge to smoke or drink. I want a girl who will find people different than us, as, different. I want a girl who will encourage me to write. I want a girl who will treat me every once in a while with a holiday, all expenses covered by her side. I want a girl who will raise our kids better than how both of us were raised. I want a girl who will get down on me and give me the greatest blow jobs and then swallows. I want a girl who will cry if things between us go wrong. I want a girl who will not go out on weekends and New Year's if I am sick and would rather spend them with me. I want a girl who will shut my phone off the moment I enter the house so I can be hers and only hers alone. I want a girl who will not let me stop spending on things I like, yet, will always take note and advise me if things go wrong. I want a girl who will tie me to bed and do whatever she wants with me. I want a girl who will have the whole weekend planned prior, but, on the following weekend, she won't have a clue on what will happen. I want a girl who will love my family. I want a girl who will do her best to make me love her family. I want a girl who fears the dark. I want a girl who is loved by all her friends. I want a girl who will watch seven straight movies for Jim Carrey with me, and then beg me to watch them again. I want a girl with great ethics. I want a girl who always found it shocking how can people break their fast during Ramadan. I want a girl who will always be happy and excited with what I do even if she had been/done/seen that before. I want a girl who had lost someone close to her so she can understand how I miss my father. I want a girl who speaks perfect Arabic & English, and is willing to learn French at some point in life, even if she never did, but at least the intention is(was) there. I want a girl who will display her feelings. I want a girl who will teach our kids how to recite the Quran from a little age. I want a girl who at any party/wedding will get with me on the dance floor to groove together. I want a girl who will take me to yoga classes. I want a girl who will take care of her looks and figure, all the time. I want a girl who enjoys going to the movies. I want a girl who will get goosebumps every time I kiss her neck. I want a girl who enjoys spending time alone. I want a girl who doesn't run around all the time. I want a girl who sleeps early at night. I want a girl who, if asked on what she really wants to accomplish, 'To learn, recite and know the Quran by heart,' her reply would be. I want a girl who will take me to the opera today, and tomorrow, take me to the circus. I want a girl who will find it courageous if I cried my eyes out to her at one point in time. I want a girl who will not be ashamed to help me when I need help (emotionally, financially or even physically). I want a girl who will remind me to call that friend of hers whom I hate and wish her a Happy Birthday. I want a girl who will go bowling with me. I want a girl who believes in happy endings. I want a girl who, regardless of what she does, knows deep inside that she is a woman. I want a girl who is always trying to be a better person. I want a girl who will only reveal her legs and cleavage at home. I want a girl who doesn't argue with waiters at restaurants. I want a girl who won't fight with drivers passing by. I want a girl who never uses a car horn unless she really needs to. I want a girl who will be happy naming our kids after my parents. I want a girl who will take naps with me on Fridays. I want a girl who will sleep on the right side of the bed. I want a girl who will revel in her work. I want a girl who has passions and is enthusiastic about her passions. I want a girl who will be a great listener, and a greater mentor. I want a girl who will not want to do anal sex because it is forbidden not because she is scared it might hurt her. I want a girl who will call me when I am out with the guys just to tell me she misses me already. I want a girl who will give me my space and invade it beautifully. I want a girl who is driven positively by the power of religion. I want a girl who sees religion as beautiful, and embracing it, is even more beautiful. I want a girl who speaks her mind out. I want a girl who is not afraid to laugh out loud in the middle of a crowded place. I want a girl who will not necessarily speak my language, but will understand it.

I want a girl who will read this...smile...and will then wonder, 'Is it me he's looking for?'

Arrest this Man. He Talks in Maths.

I am going to time my clock and see what each alphabet will remind me of. One minute only for each letter. Let's-a-gooooo.

A is for:
1. Aeropostale
2. Alice Cooper
3. Apples
4. Amir Azmy Megahed
5. Ahmed Barada
6. Anton Ferdinand
7. Alicia Silverstone
8. Ashton Kutsher
9. Australia
10. Antiques
11. Andorra
12. Andy from Child's Play

B is for:
1. Bambie
2. Bjork
3. Butter Cup
4. Bus
5. Bingo
6. Boxing
7. Bundy
8. Big Mommas House
9. Boris Becker
10. Bye Bye
11. Buck
12. Bush
13. Biso

C is for:
1. Cat
2. Crayon
3. Cancun
4. Cola
5. Christianity
6. Cell
7. Cellular the movie

D is for:
1. Donald Duck
2. Doll
3. Daffy Duck
4. Disco 2000
5. D.I.S.C.O
6. Doritos
7. Dishwasher
8. Danny Murphy
9. Dahlia
10. Discus
11. Dumbo

E is for:
1. E.T.
2. Elf
3. Emanoz
4. Eritrea
5. El Alsson
6. Escalate
7. Entrance
8. Edwin Van Der Sar
9. Elijah Wood
10. E-Commerce
11. Esmat

F is for:
1. Farting
2. Freelancing
3. Food
4. Foda
5. Finger
6. Fido Dido
7. Figo
8. Fossil
9. Fuel
10. Fire
11. Farah
12. Farid
13. Fountain
14. Foundation
15. Fifi Abdou
16. Fayrouz

G is for:
1. Gia
2. Gio
3. Gangsta's Paradise
4. Germany
5. Galal Allam
6. Gougy
7. Guns
8. Green Day
9. Goofy
10. Girls
11. Gays

H is for:
1. Honey
2. Hany
3. Harry
4. Hooray
5. Help
6. Hassle
7. Hareedy
8. High Heels
9. Hosny Abd Rabbo
10. Hamid El Shaery
11. Hurry Up
12. Harry's Café
13. Habiba
14. Hadeer
15. Heba
16. Hazem

I is for:
1. Ihab Tawfik
2. Inas El Degheidy
3. Iris
4. In
5. Iliad and the Odyssey
6. Ink
7. I of the mourning

J is for:
1. Jar
2. Jamming
3. Jojo
4. Johnny
5. Jacks
6. Jelly
7. Jellybeans
8. Jacques Chirac
9. Jad Choeiry
10. Johnny Carinos
11. JFK

K is for:
1. Karim
2. Kent
3. K-9
4. K-Bone
5. Kaz
6. Kamel
7. Kandeel
8. Kill
9. Kris Kros
10. KFC
11. Kay Abou Samra

L is for:
1. Lucas Neill
2. Love
3. L'Amour
4. London
5. Lloyz
6. Layla
7. Louz
8. Lucky
9. Lleyton Hewitt
10. Lars Ulrich
11. Locker
12. Lamb
13. Lobster
14. Lyrics
15. Lily

M is for:
1. MJ
2. Money
3. Mr. Wendel
4. Mickey
5. Mojo
6. M.U.S.T
7. Metallica
8. Megadeth
9. Mounir
10. Mayada El Hennawy
11. Marisa Tomei
12. Madiha
13. Mammy

N is for:
1. Nachos
2. Nandos
3. Nelly Furtado
4. Nas
5. Nat King Cole
6. Nemesis
7. Neon
8. Nepal
9. Nell
10. Nihal
11. Nishikawa
12. Negm

O is for:
1. Octopus
2. O'Neill
3. Oman
4. Oink
5. Omar
6. Ontario
7. Oasis
8. Oak
9. Orange
10. Okay
11. Olaf Thon

P is for:
1. Pappy
2. Pizza Pino
3. Pizza Hut
4. Polaris
5. Polar Bear
6. Penguin
7. Pacman
8. Panda
9. Paul Scholes
10. Peter Beardsley
11. Punk
12. Pink Floyd
13. Police
14. Prada
15. Paris

Q is for:
1. Quack
2. Qualm
3. Que
4. Quake
5. Qatar
6. Qualm
7. Queen Park Rangers

R is for:
1. Ralph Lauren
2. Rangers
3. Rothmans
4. Rolls-Royce
5. Rico
6. Rockey
7. Rambo
8. Ramy Hodroj
9. Rotana
10. RIM
11. Ring
12. Ram
13. Rango
14. Rickets

S is for:
1. Sherif
2. Soheir
3. Sam Allardyce
4. Sarah
5. Sony
6. Sanyo
7. Smashing Pumpkins
8. Sonic Youth
9. Sonic The Hedgehog
10. Santa Claus
11. Sonata
12. Santana
13. Swim
14. Solitude
15. Sequence

T is for:
1. Titus Bramble
2. Tania
3. Tony
4. Tamara
5. Tommy
6. Twinkle
7. Twilight
8. Tonight
9. Tomorrow
10. Today
11. Twins
12. Top
13. Tango
14. Teller
15. Tin Tin

U is for:
1. Uganda
2. Ulver
3. United
4. Unity
5. Uniball
6. Umbro

V is for:
1. Vendetta
2. Volleyball
3. Virus
4. Venom
5. Veal
6. Vase
7. Varney
8. Velo
8. Voice
9. Valet
10. Vivian
11. Vicious
12. Vamos
13. Vow
14. Vis-a-vis

W is for:
1. Wael
2. Willy
3. William
4. Waldo
5. Wanted
6. Waka Waka
7. Wanis
8. Walrus
9. Warrior
10. Wassim
11. Wagamama
12. Willow
13. Wes Brown

X is for:
1. X-Men
2. Xena
3. XS
4. XS Black
5. Xis
6. XOXO
7. Xtacy

Y is for:
1. Yasmine
2. Yellow
3. Yemen
4. Yamen
5. Yulia
6. Yolanda
7. Yaris
8. Younis
9. Youssef
10. Yankees
11. You
12. Yourself

Z is for:
1. Zaki
2. Zeek
3. Zoo
4. Zoolander
5. Zelda
6. Zero
7. Zebra
8. Zone
9. Zonal Marking
10. Zeus
11. Zorba

That was fun!

Like an Injured Lion...I Still Want to Roar.

I am really busy these days. I am going to be even busier later this month and the one that follows to say the least. The only reason I am here is just that I am trying to commit to my previous post in which I stated that I will blog at least once a month.

I am working on something. Hopefully one day I will talk about it. After all, this blog is about my life. The only reason I started blogging was to talk about my life, and the empty dreams of Egyptians.

On another note, I am 28. :)

Proud and thankful as always;
Zeek.

2011 - Let's-a-gooooo.

I am not a believer in New Year's Resolutions. I am, though, a believer of becoming a better person.

I am a believer that you need to always do a checklist of:

1. What's annoying you in life?
2. What do you want to do about it?
3. How will you do it?
4. Have a deadline/plan to do it
5. What do you want to fulfill in life?
6. How will you achieve it?
7. Have a deadline/plan to do it

This is like a homework that people need to exercise often, not only on annual basis. Yet I admire the people who at least take time out every year in December and look back at how the year turned out; at least they are better than those who are just sitting there doing nothing.

I am just only against the term 'New Year's Resolutions'. A year is twelve months and A LOT of stuff take place during such time span, thus, people should maybe take the time out on quarter basis, every three months to see where they stand. You can have long term goals, but to sit every three months and assess yourself is definitely better than just confronting yourself once a year.

Our problem is that we're becoming careless every passing day. No self discipline. You grow up and you feel the power pumping up your veins. No one to tell you what's wrong from right, because you assume you know it all. No deadlines to submit your homework, no curfews to come home. Not afraid to lie to your parents and get grounded. No poems to write to them anymore so they can allow you to go out and give you money to buy a new toy. You have your own phone. You have your own laptop. You have your own car. You have your own bank account. You are not controlled anymore. You have power, and when given power, human beings are unstoppable.

It amazes me how many things we all want to do and we end up doing nothing. We always need motivation. This is also an important aspect in the day-to-day life; motivation. You need it to get out of bed. You need it to remind yourself not to eat ice cream when you're on a diet. You need it to stop something you want to stop. You need it to start something you wish to continue. And more importantly you need it to carry you throughout those missions every passing day. If you stop yourself from eating that ice cream today, will you stop tomorrow? Will you stop next week, month or year? It's an ongoing battle. You need motivation to believe in yourself.

Don't be lazy.

People reading this might think I have it all figured out, but I don't. I, myself, like any of you, is trying to find his way, but at least I am trying. I am a tough critic, and that's the way it will always be. I will always try to seek happiness and fulfillment of the soul.

I am going to do my resolutions (already started) and I will do my best to accomplish what I want. I am not going to stop trying. I've always said I want to do things, but I never really did a considerable amount of effort to achieve them. It all changed last year, when I quit smoking. I realised I've been living all my life in a prison cell and there's plenty of life to look forward to. The decision to quit smoking was easy. The day-to-day life after that could have been very hard, or very easy; it all depended on how I approached life. I made sure to make it easy, and I did. I will always be proud of myself from being able to refrain from smoking and discovering that it was all an illusion. If I'm ever asked to pick one achievement I've done, then it will definitely be quitting smoking. I could talk a lot about smoking including my mind battle in which I suffered a lot at first before discovering how much of a fool I was, yet, this post isn't about smoking, so back to the main point, resolutions.


Last year, I managed to:

1. - Quit Smoking
2. - Start taking guitar lessons
3. - Get back to practicing squash
4. - Study for a career diploma
5. - Make peace with people I've lost

This year, I want to:

1. Do Umrah
2. Become a non-smoking advocate
3. Manage to play at least 1 full song on guitar by the end of the year
4. Practice squash at least once a week
5. Commit to writing at least one post per month on the blog
   
6. See a dermatologist for my face pimples if they don't disappear by June
7. Clean my room sometime this year - I have stuff that I need to put away, and they have been sitting there for around four years. My mom complains every day
   
8. Sleep before 2 am on weekdays
9. Start yoga
10. Study, read and recite the Quran along with Islamic books (Seera & Fiqh)
    
11. Lose weight (Reach 75 KG) - I am somewhere in my 90's now
    
12. Resume physiotherapy on my leg
    
13. Help people
14. Buy a car
15. Save money
16. Take my family on a nice trip (possibly to a place we've never been before)
17. Do a daily 5 minute work-out session
    
18. Manage my time better
    
19. Read a new book every month
    
20. Stop entering meaningless debates
    

There is nothing else I want to add right now, but I am sure plenty of stuff will flood into my mind throughout the year. I am going to have this list with me and will definitely sit regularly and see where do I stand.

Good luck to all the people out there trying to accomplish things.

Here's a toast; to a better year.

Dad, Where Are You?

I can't call you on the phone. I can't knock on your door. When I do there is no answer. No matter how loud I scream you can't respond. If I ever have children, they will never know you; how funny you were, how generous you were, how there was nothing that could stop you from giving us everything we needed and wanted. You won't be there to walk your daughter down the aisle. You won't be there to watch football with your sons. You won't be there to witness your grand daughters growing up and getting chased by boys. You won't be there to comfort us as life push us down. You won't be there to plan our future. You won't be there when Egypt gets a new President. You won't be there tomorrow or the days after. I wish Heaven had a phone so I could hear your voice again. I thought of you today, but this is nothing new. I thought about you yesterday and days before that too. I think of you in silence, I often speak your name. All I have are memories and your picture in a frame. Your memory is a keepsake from which I'll never part. God Has you in His Arms, I have you in my heart.

Today we all mourn one year since you left this world. We were all there praying for you. It was beautiful. We felt your presence. We always do wherever we are whenever we go.

I love you Pappy.

An Interview with My Favourite Person.

It has been so long since we last talked; we have been on and off throughout our lives, we never agreed on everything, and even when we did, we still disagreed on how to agree. We stopped talking for years. Blamed one another for our faults. Delved into mystic sages and drowned in a world of sins. Maybe if time goes back I wouldn't have met that person, or then again, maybe if time did go back, I would still be friends. I don't know, but all I know is that no matter what happens between us we will always be special, and I will always consider him as my greatest companion. And I am quite positive he would say the same about me. I met him today, and we talked a lot. We always do when we meet. It was an open chat, as it always gets with us. The dialogue was in the form of an interview; we got used to that, it works best for us. I will name him Zero.

Warning: The following contains material that might not be your cup of tea. But then again, you wouldn't be on this blog if it wasn't. Still, you have been warned.

Zero: So this is it?

Zeek: What?

Zero: Life.

Zeek: What's wrong with life?

Zero: What's wrong? You kidding me! Tell me what's good about life! We wake up every day go to our silly jobs and get paid peanuts, we get sick, our friends get into accidents and the next morning we bury them, everything around us changes, and then you come and tell me what's wrong with life?

Zeek: Why all the rage? This has been the situation since our ancestors, since Adam and Eve, did you just realise that?

Zero: Yes! Believe it or not yes! When we were kids we never thought any of this would happen to us. Remember back in school when we used to enjoy our time like never before? Remember how girls looked up to us? Remember when we used to play sports for hours and never got tired? Remember when we first started smoking and thought we have entered the forbidden kingdom. Ok I will make it easier to you; tell me the best year/summer of your life during your teens, which year was it?

Zeek: Definitely school year 97/98 as a whole and that summer of 1998. This year was incredible by all means. I felt like I owned the world, I was 15 and I had it all. Literally, I had it all.

Zero: Great, tell me why it was great. What exactly edged it over every other year in the 27 years you've survived so far?

Zeek: Ok, I will list them in points, as you know me I like analysis:

1- I reached the ideal weight I've been working towards for the previous 2 years.
2- Yes I had dated before and was even asked out by girls, but this time I got asked out by the girls whom I wanted to be asked out by, not just anyone.
3- I enjoyed my summer shopping; I set the trend with my clothes back then.
4- I was in my last year in school, and damn, nothing feels better than being a Senior.
5- I had different girls who were best friends hitting on me, and it felt superior to actually select and filter.
6- I used to go to places and know for a fact that I am being noticed, and that girls wanted every piece of me.
7- I was acting in a perfect play at school and I loved the theatre back then.
8- I had been smoking for 2 years so I was some kind of a master with the shisha and in the outings, it was me who gave out the advice.
9- We started clubbing and it felt good to shake that dance floor.
10- I always felt special being the only sober one in parties.
11- I was playing sports like crazy. I was captain of my football team, was a splendid squash player and a unique runner/swimmer.
12- I was introduced to the world of wows. There's nothing, and I mean nothing as tasteful as the female nectar. Do you know how does it feel to be the only one between my friends who had any experience with women? While my friends and most of the people my age back then were touching themselves and masturbating like maniacs, I was getting kissed for fun and since I was the only kid in the world who haven't tried masturbating since I passed puberty, NOT EVEN ONCE, that alone made me king of that world we were living in.
13- I was dating 2 girls at the same time! Can you believe how perfect life was? And too add to my mastery, the 2nd girl knew of my original girlfriend, and because she wanted to be associated with me she didn't even mind being second fiddle.

To sum it up, I had the hots, the fame, the great friends, I couldn't ask for anything else. Each one in the world desires stuff and can't get them, but what more could I possibly want? I got everything I never even thought they would exist.

Zero: I remember those days quite well my friend :) nice to bring back all those memories. But can you see; all of the points you listed were more or less revolving around girls and the female/dating side in your life, and that's normal, because what would a 15 year old kid wish for? Back to our topic, so did you expect your life now 12 years after to turn like that? If all these things brought you happiness why are you not doing them anymore?

Zeek: I don't get you. What exactly are you pointing to?

Zero: You never had big dreams, but you always had it one step ahead. You did everything back then before us, and you weren't one of us - the flock - but look at you now? You are no different than any of us.

Zeek: Care to elaborate?

Zero: Is this your ideal weight? Is this daily life you're living satisfying you? Are you happy with your work? Do you make enough money as you thought you would be making? I am sure you even dated girls you never even would have considered back then - can't you see all that?

At this moment in time, I actually had no words to reply with, and I had this quiet look when I told him to continue without even using my voice

Zero continuing: I am not happy about my life and I know for a fact that you are not happy with yours. We're living in a fickle world which we never belonged to in the first place. Had we known life would treat us like that then we wouldn't have approached it that way. When we were kids we never cared for tomorrow because we were brought up not to. We had it easy back then. We had it all. We were judged by our character and sense of humor. We were judged by our abilities, whether they are academic, social or even sexual. We were kings of our domain, and we shone like the sun on a winter's day beaming with love and warmth to every one around. Look at us now:

1- We are useless human beings; all of our ex's got married with babies that we could have been fathers to.
2- You and I both want to get married, yet we are not the type who will just get married on the spot, we need to get to know the girl well and not rush it. And the funny thing is that girls now suddenly stopped 'dating'. They just want to get married. What is possibly wrong if you are 27 and you date a girl your age for a year or two then take it a step further and get engaged? Why do girls who passed the age 25 are in a marathon to get married? Why is it OK for a girl to be dating before she graduates, yet it is absolutely unacceptable if she is employed? And you know what's even more hypocritical? That this girl in university could actually date someone her age, but if you are the one who is interested with an age difference of 5+ years, then she will tell you to come meet her parents.
3- We want to sin but we stop ourselves from sinning because both of us are strong believers in our religion. We want to live the right way. We don't want to walk on egg shells. We'd rather be frustrated than sinning. I am like you, was never a fan of drugs/alcohol, but you know me, how much I LOVE that female nectar, and really in a perfect world I would have got physical with every girl I come across. Our problem is that we never ever thought that what we did when we were kids was actually something wrong or a sin as we know now. I block my eyesight from looking at girls under the umbrella of religion. I look aside when there's a porn scene in a movie under the umbrella of religion. I stop myself from doing a lot of things I want because of religion. I am not sad about that, I am happy and I believe that the rewards will be bigger, but what's saddening me is that I was allowed to break through those chains and taste the banned fruits when I was a kid. We could have been born in Heaven if Adam & Eve didn't eat from the tree. They sinned inspite knowing what they did was wrong. We sinned not knowing what's right and what's wrong. We sinned because we thought we had to do this to be proper men. If we were allowed to visit Heaven once in our life, in our dreams, we will wake up in shock, and automatically hate our lives, and try to sleep as much as we can after that to be offered another chance of dreaming of Heaven. Females are heaven on earth.

Zeek: Females are not heaven on earth.

Zero: Hell yes they are. Tell me one thing you want right now? We both quit smoking and we know how life is beautiful without smoking. We don't miss smoking because if you go back in time, we shouldn't have smoked in the first place. Some people refer to smoking, drugs, alcohol, and even football as heaven on earth, but how would you enjoy any of them if you haven't even tried it? When we first started smoking, it tasted awful, we were coughing and spitting and didn't even know what was this all about! We didn't love it afterward, but it was the nicotine in our blood, and that's where all the cravings came from, and that's why for years and years we thought we love it and we can't live without it, but instead we were just prisoners, and that's why when we are free now, we don't long for it, and we look back and wonder how stupid we were. The same goes for drugs. You get used to it, it controls you. Alcohol is even worse than all that because you drink something that doesn't even taste right. Can you bring me anyone who liked the taste of alcohol when they first tried it, no matter if it had been mixed with coke, pineapple or coconut. Can you? As for football, then it is relative, there are millions like us who are crazy passionate about football more than anything in the world, but we have seen others who cannot even bare to spend 90 minutes in front of TV watching a game, and they are interested in other sports instead. But when it come to girls, the first time you touch a girl's hand you will feel enchanted. The first hug would take you to wonderland, and your first kiss will make you gaze with your eyes wide open inspite the girl's eyes are wide shut, but you will have yours open so you can double check that you are finally kissing someone. It will make you dream away in space. Even before we reach puberty age we feel something towards girls. I remember my first year in school and that girl with a red ponytail that I liked and used to go home and tell my parents about. I remember on my 6th birthday at the club when I danced slow with another girl whom I liked. I remember when I was a kid and I ran to kiss that girl on the cheek after the break bells rang and stormed as fast as I could, etc... Our love to girls and to that female nectar is in our DNA. We just can't live without them. There is no happiness in the world that could be derived elsewhere. You can quit smoking and live your life forever happily and same goes for all sorts of drugs. From your morning coffee to the underwear you are used to wear, but you can never ever go on without women. And those who don't get married, end up with one night stands every now and then, watch porn, masturbate, and be sure that every night they go to bed alone, they will wonder: 'when will I have someone next to me?'

Zeek: Ok you do have a point. I definitely won't argue with you, but I still believe that there is life beyond women.

Zero: Who said there is no life beyond women. There is family, friends, work, football, and all sorts of other things that are still 'good' in life. But these are all ingredients that you have to mix in the right order and don't pour too much of one onto another or else you'll end up screwing yourself up.

Zeek: What do yo mean?

Zero: Sometimes you give your friends more time than your family, and sometimes you get involved with work more than you should. Sometimes you stress yourself with minor things such as watching football while you could actually get up from your chair and go practice it yourself. When you're dating you can give your girl too much time and treat her like a queen then suddenly you discover that it's not worth it, or maybe she's not worth you. And sometimes you neglect your friends and then when you are back on good terms, they tell you that friends will always be here for you but girls come and go, but then again all this is crap. It is all about balance. Friends will always be here for you, no matter how much time you give them, so you don't need to worry about that. You don't need to select your words before talking. Friends will always be friends. You only have to abide with the man-pact and brotherhood rules and you'll be fine. If you look back when we were young, we were all just one big man doing everything together, it was definitely better than what is it like now when everyone is in a different place, country or even continent. And even when we sit together we still feel like strangers. We are observing not looking, speaking not talking and it's just not as fun as it used to be before. It is all about balance my friend. You need to balance your life. Balance your work. Balance your friends. Balance your love life. Balance your hobbies and interests.

Zeek: Oh I like your lateral thinking! Sometimes you surprise me with such wisdom of yours.

Zero: Haha, it's not always like that. I just like to speak my mind out to you. You are my best friend. You're probably the only friend that I've had. The one who cares for me and definitely the only one who understands me. We laugh together and we suffer together, we're unbreakable at times and we weep on many many nights.

Zeek: Dude you're freaking me out, stop talking like that, are you dying?

Zero: I don't know, but I know death is near. I don't know if I will die tomorrow or in 30 years, but I have been feeling death for some time.

Zeek: What do you mean feeling death? How can you feel death?

Zero: I don't know, I can't explain it. I just feel that I am next.

Zeek: Next in what exactly?

Zero: Just next. I don't dream of dying. I actually don't dream at all lately, and when I do, they are dreams I can't recall. And even if I do remember them, they just don't make sense anymore. But I just feel it.

Zeek: You mean feeling lonely? Are you lonely?

Zero: No I am not lonely. I just feel like going. Going to that other place. Maybe I feel that because I want life to end soon. I don't know. These are all maybes. But what I know for sure, is that I want to take that trip to the other world. I want to go, I really want to.

Zeek: Man you're freaking me out.

Zero: Dude, we're just talking here. I am not going to cut my wrists or jump off the balcony. I could never do that. It is against our religion, and if I will sin then I'd rather get physical with a girl than kill myself! Plus, I am not the bravest man in the world. I would never harm myself. I get scared and I don't like pain. If I have to choose the way I die, then I would want it to be pain-free. Dying in my sleep would be ideal.

Zeek: I was hit by a car before and I didn't feel a thing, but when I woke up I was in severe state of pain with a shattered leg, but that moment I got hit in felt like thin air.

Zero: Well I don't want the pain. So maybe I would get hit and die on the spot, but it will still look bad, and I would never stand in front of a fast car. My senses will push me away.

Zeek: Dude, why can't we change the subject. It is not funny talking about how you want yourself to die.

Zero: You've always been like that. There's nothing wrong when wishing and wanting a peaceful quiet way to die in.

Zeek: I think when I die I will not want to look at the faces of my loved ones. I don't want to see their sadness because I might feel guilty that I have left them behind me, and I wouldn't want that. I will just go in silence and disappear as if I was never here in the first place.

Zero: Man you worry too much. Even when you're dead and no longer alive you will still be worried. Dude you will just be a ghost, or maybe you won't even be a ghost. We are never sure if we die will be able to see the world from a different angle or not.

Zeek: I believe my dad is looking down on me. I like to feel that he is watching me. Maybe he is not, but I want to live with the notion that he is shining down on me from Heaven.

Zero: I miss your dad.

Zeek: I never knew what it is like to miss someone as I know now. Whenever I used to travel and come back and say the words I miss you to someone, is actually something I thought I felt, but I didn't. Even when people I knew passed away, I missed them, but with my dad it's different. If I have to define the words 'missing someone' then it will be the state I am feeling since the day he was gone. It feels funny how we thought life would end if we didn't get the passing mark back in school, or if things get ruined between you and your girl, or funnily enough if a team you support lose a big game. I would trade anything in the world now just to see my dad again. I would live happily ever after without football, girls, work, food, anything I have desired, just to see him. I cry every day. I cry every night. I cry both with tears and I also cry silently. I never thought you could actually cry without tears - to cry from inside your heart. Do you remember when we were kids and our mothers wanted to cry but they didn't in order not to scare us so they end up just keeping their tears inside? This is it. But let me tell you; the grief I have to go through daily is something I would never wish upon someone, and yet, it is this grief that keeps me going. It is this pain that actually gets me out of bed and takes me to work. It is the sorrow that makes me achieve things I've never thought I would. Yes I miss my dad endlessly, and I hate life, and I want to be with him, but I am not going to just sit here doing nothing about it till my time is up, instead, I will try to enjoy life. It is all about passing the time. That's it, passing the time. It is up to me to make use of what's left in my life, and I've decided to make the best out of it. And I am and will be doing so with the suffering I get every passing second.

Zero: You seem like you have found a new meaning to life.

Zeek: I don't want to get too sophisticated about it, but after all, if you think about it, what's the point of life? There's nothing in this life worth living for, when every person you love dies, what is there more to do? Will you get another dad? Will you love another mom? Hell if I die right now, who will you complain to? You don't replace people with others, and you can't do that. That's why religion is important, and that's actually the beauty of religion. It is religion that makes us calm. Without religion I would probably be insane right now. Without religion I would not have known what is it like to love and be loved. And it is religion that promises you that you will reunite with the dead again, so the truth is, religion is always on your side, and it's always providing you with the necessary tools to live, but we just tend to complicate things all the time, that's why we end up either fearing the afterlife and stop thinking about it, or we don't think about it at all till it's too late to think of anything.

Zero: So here you are agreeing with me on the balance equation I was saying earlier; even in religion you need to have the right balance.

Zeek: Yeah, it seems that we agree as much as we disagree.

Zero: Haha, remember in the past when you used to blame me for everything wrong that happened in your life?

Zeek: Of course, and I still do. You always push me towards the wrong things. Always.

Zero: Well it isn't bad. You repay me by pushing me towards the right things, so you shouldn't feel bad about yourself. You are doing a good job. Each and every one of us has 2 sides, a good side and a bad evil one. The best thing about us, is that you are my good angelic friend, and I am your worst devilish friend. I push you towards my world of treasures and you guide me towards the fresh air of wisdom.

Zeek: Yes, but you can't continue like this. Why can't you just defeat all the wrongs about your life and try to start over? Not that I am an angel; not at all, but at least I am trying to make amends with myself.

Zero: I can't. I don't want to.

Zeek: How?

Zero: I don't want to stop thinking about women. I can't be like you.

Zeek: Man, get over yourself. We CAN live without thinking of women.

Zero: No you can't, you're almost a year single now, of course if we exclude that summer thing that should have never been. Tell me something, how happy are you?

Zeek: I am happy.

Zero: No you're not.

Zeek: Why do you always act as if you know everything?

Zero: Because I do.

Zeek: Well, I am happy with how my life could be going, but yes I miss being with someone, I have to admit. It's not that I want to be with someone because I miss being with someone, no, it's about the fact that I know that being with someone you want to be with - that feeling - cannot be topped by anything else.

Zero: Do you think of your ex's?

Zeek: In what way? We all remember our ex's.

Zero: Do you miss someone more than the other?

Zeek: Every single one of them used to believe that I think of the previous one or of the one I spent longest with. They all had doubts in their own selves. I just don't get why they had insecurity problems, but back to your question, well I don't think of someone more than the other. It just happens depending on a certain situation I am in.

Zero: Give me an example.

Zeek: Ok I was driving that night and I rarely switch on the radio, but my iPod wasn't working for some reason and the radio played a song for Aerosmith, and it just hit me how much an ex of mine used to love that song. It was all a matter of a moment.

Zero: Why didn't you comment when I mentioned 'that summer thing'?

Zeek: You even said it yourself; it should have never been, so what do you expect me to talk about?

Zero: Why didn't it last?

Zeek: I thought you know everything.

Zero: I do, but I want to know if you believe her.

Zeek: No I don't.

Zero: Why?

Zeek: 1 + 1 = 2 and that wasn't the case with her.

Zero: What do you mean?

Zeek: I might have had sick girlfriends before, or let's just say they possessed a sick side or nature that seemed to show whenever something was not going their way, but with that girl, it was not like that. She is not sick. She is pretty sane. She doesn't have a sick side, or at least from what I know of, but it is definitely the first time in my life I feel I got fooled.

Zero: Fooled? What do you mean fooled?

Zeek: Not fooled as in I discovered something I didn't know or anything of that sort, but fooled as not being told the truth on the reason(s) behind her behaviour. She just didn't convince me, and I am sure she wasn't even convinced herself. She wasn't honest with herself to tell me in the eye the true reasons for her to be like this, and that's why I ended it.

Zero: Do you know why?

Zeek: Of course I do. I felt it. My gut feeling can never go wrong.

Zero: Oh you and your gut feeling theory. What did it tell you this time?

Zeek: Believe me it works. Never did it fail me, not even once. The reason is plain and simple. She liked me, I know she did, her eyes would never lie, but I just didn't tick all her boxes. And you know me, I believe in me, and if someone thinks I don't tick all the boxes, then we can never belong together.

Zero: Oh, and what ever happened to the Rolex girl btw?

Zeek: Oh the Roelx girl!

Zero: Haha, yes.

Zeek: Well she wasn't the first girl I date who had a Rolex on, but I will always label as the Rolex girl, because she was seriously living in a bubble. She acts normal but she's not. She thinks she's modest but even if she is, she wants to be with someone who is not, and that's why we couldn't be together.

Zero: How?

Zeek: It is clear. Look at her friends and look at mine. Look at her life and look at mine. I wouldn't get along with any of her friends, and definitely not with her life. She comes from the bling bling world, and I am just me. I am my own man. I am not saying she is materialistic, not at all, because I would have never been involved with someone from that sort. It's just that she is smart, and she approached this relationship the way a football coach approaches a game with certain tactics. She liked me, but she wasn't head over heels about me. She didn't know me well. She wanted to know me well, and when she did, she knew that as time goes by, she will like me more and will be even madly in love with me, but I still wouldn't fit her criteria, and thus, it was best for all not to be with me. She might say she has a point, but I don't agree with people who think like that. You shouldn't approach a relationship with one eye on your partner and another eye behind your back checking out if he will fit or not. She stopped herself from getting more involved with someone she actually liked A LOT just because he is a normal person, even though this man could have been the best thing that happened to her, but she didn't pursue it, because the 'go ahead light wasn't yet green in her eyes'. Yet, if I had the cash and the car, all the lights in her life would have turned green, and she would have pursued it, yet by time, she could have discovered that I am the worst person in the world. So I just don't get it; why would you stop yourself from knowing someone even if you like him because your mom thinks you should marry Richie Rich? How can the financial basis of someone directs your feelings? What if I own the money but I am stingy? What if I smell for instance? What if I don't treat my family in a good way? What if I don't sweet talk and treat you right like any normal couple would do? And on the contrary, if you meet someone and you find him very nice and he even gives you butterflies and let you laugh your heart out every time you talk or meet, but he is not rich enough, then no, you wouldn't pursue it. I've dated women who have financial power more than this girl and her family would even dream of, and they were all modest, and all they cared of was how good is this man treating their girl, and no matter how much praise those girls and families deserve yet my words will never do them justice. And then come this girl who thinks herself cool because she has a Rolex; well why did she even approach me in the first place? To hell with this and to hell with women and families who share the same mind. Funny. Life is funny.

Zero: That's the problem with them girls. We are normal to them, and by normal it doesn't mean we live on the street. If you look at us, we either had the same or better schooling. We earn more than they do. Our parents always granted us our wishes. We traveled the whole world before they even got on a plane. We would never look in someone's belongings and the word envy is not in our dictionary because all our lives we were never ignored, but the problem is- we lack the cash and assets, and this my friend is a problem for them. It is just because we live in the same society and on the same street, or have the same group of friends, doesn't mean we have 10 cars and that we have different apartments to pick from whenever we decide to tie the knot, and that whenever we want cash we will call the big man home to transfer it in our bank accounts. Back in school we were all growing up with the same boundaries. We all got in cabs or had drivers because we still didn't have a license. We went out to the same places. We were more or less all the same, even with the clothes we had to put on; inside the school we had uniforms we had to abide to and outside it was always a jeans a t-shirt. It all changes the moment you enter university, and some kids would travel abroad either because they need a more healthy academic life or because their parents just have too much money to spend. Others would enter normal universities because their parents believe that the university name wouldn't matter much and all they want - is their kids to graduate with a degree, and finally ourselves; get enrolled in the middle ranked universities for various reasons: either we didn't qualify for the best, or our parents didn't have the money to pay for the best, or we just wanted to follow our friends to revive our high school memories. People turn 18 and they buy cars. You will find your friend who was just with you the other night in the cab now drives a brand new baby, while another kid is driving a car your dad could never even dream of driving, another with a car just like yours, and finally, that kid who drives an old used car that has been there in the house for years and probably his brothers and sisters even had it before him when they turned 18. At this very moment my friend; this is when the first slap of life hits you and says 'hello' with a smirk on her face. From this moment life changes for you. You graduate from university and you find your friends working with their family in their own private business with no need to worry about what probably 98% of the kids do when they graduate. Others will work straight in the top multinationals because their parents 'know people'. Others would undergo tons of interviews in those multinationals just to filter them and very few get accepted. Others will go to recruitment agencies and submit their CV's and wait for THAT call to start with a local company earning peanuts, and then they wait for the moment they get another job offer which will be like a new lease of life. You grow more and then comes the natural order of humanity - marriage - and the moment when one man's family meet another. You see your friends getting married easily with no problems at all, others have to go through lots of fights and they might succeed to pull it through at the end, while others get rejected before anything starts and usually because they are 'normal'. For the second time I am going to say it; when we are kids we're all the same, but when we grow up, we're not. There is the well-off kid, there's the rich kid, there's the normal kid and there's the average kid. The well-off, rich, normal and average kids are all friends but their statuses were never noted when they were little children, but as they grow up, the people they deal with starts to differentiate between them and make them look at themselves and wonder if they really are that different or not, and here's when you know you can't have it all. You see some of your own friends who are married and you know quite well that the wife is with the guy because he is well-off or rich. Yes she loves him but you never know if she loves him for who he is or for what he owns. I don't want to be like that, I want the girl who will end up with me to take me for who I am, doesn't matter if I will accommodate her in a 2 story villa or in a small lazy apartment. What matters is the man in me and the amount of love and care I will genuinely offer her. And she needs to share with me that genuine love and care herself. If I have the money I will make her a queen, and if I don't have the money I will still make her a queen. A royal one. She needs to understand that.

Zeek: It's not like that anymore my friend.

Zero: It's just sad how everything nice and beautiful disappeared. We should just sleep and dream of nice things.

Zeek: Speaking of dreams, you know what's funny? Even when I go to bed at night and sleep, and this is the time of the day where I could actually dream of anything I can wish for; I just dream of silly things. When you sleep and dream, you are supposed to dream of things and places you cannot reach, that's why they are called dreams. We live in reality and therefore dreams should be the total opposite. Even my wet dreams of late have been very sad, I am suffering from premature ejaculation in my dreams! Can you imagine that? So even in my dreams I can't have proper sex! I deprive myself from looking at girls in the real world and ban my hands from masturbating like all men do and when I go to sleep - I don't get to do it - and even when I do it - I don't do it right. I am supposed to be a stallion in my dreams, to have sex with every single woman on planet earth, and instead I cum the moment I start kissing or making out.

Zero: How?

Zeek: I just cum.

Zero: Yes we all cum in wet dreams, that's why they're called wet.

Zeek: No no, I just cum early, that's why it's called premature ejaculation. I am kissing the girl, and the next moment I am a water park. I don't even put it in. One of my dreams I was actually sliding it in but it was too late again, I came all over her.

Zero: Wow. There must be a reason for all this my friend. Maybe you have been very stressed lately with work and all. They say premature ejaculation comes with stress, and statistics say that every other man will experience it at least once regardless of age, time or place.

Zeek: Yeah maybe that's why, but I also know something else that could have led to all this.

Zero: What is it?

Zeek: Ok as you know, I am very confident with my own body. I take off my clothes and walk around with my unit dangling around in front of my friends, despite some of them getting so shy in doing the same, even though we are all brothers. Most of them have issues in displaying their private parts, maybe they think it doesn't look right, and they all have insecurities with its size. So anyway, one day, I was with that girl in the car and she told me to show it to her. She just asked for it. Automatically I had no hesitation and just took it out of my jeans so confidently. Before I tuck it in she possibly said the WORST thing a girl would ever say in such situation.

Zero: Which is?

Zeek: First of all her tone of voice was quieter than usual. It's like she wasn't fascinated to see a man's penis one metre away from her! And all she had to say was 'why is it small?' Out of all the words that she could find, that's all what she could think of 'WHY IS IT SMALL?' That was even worse then the Seinfeld episode when that woman accidentally opened the bathroom door to find George Costanza naked after he came out of the shower, then she jiggled and walked away, with him screaming 'I JUST CAME OUT OF THE SHOWER'.

Zero: Oh man that episode was classic. What happened after that?

Zeek: I joked about it and tried to change the subject. Of course the moment I got home and took my clothes off, I stood in front of the mirror and looked at my body, and for the first time in my life I looked at myself in a different way. I didn't need that girl's opinion to change my level of confidence in my own body, but I don't know why did it break me like that. I always complimented my own body to myself, but from that moment every time I looked at my body I felt something was wrong. For the first time in my life I started browsing the internet checking reviews on the human body and how long should your unit be. I even came across exercises that would increase your size. I felt so down and I really wasn't anymore the guy I was.

Zero: How is this related to premature ejaculation?

Zeek: After that incident we were once somewhere and we kissed, and while we were kissing, I was getting erections, but then I started thinking what if she touched me down there and I started feeling all those insecurities in a span of seconds, so I just came in my pants while kissing. I really hated my life. How can I cum in my pants while kissing? I never even experienced such a thing when I was a kid, how would I get that now! Every time that girl touched me I wasn't confident enough and I thought I am not good enough. I always loved my body, the way it is and didn't want to change anything in it. Guys always wondered how long their penises should be and all my life I was the only who didn't. I have seen smaller ones, enormous ones, crazy shaped ones, and I never wanted to change mine, but believe me, at this phase in my life, if I actually could have changed one thing in me, then it would have been my baby down there. I am totally over that now, my lapse of self-doubt disappeared, and I am as confident as I always have been before this girl showed up in my life. It was all psychological; all in the head. You tend to be what you believe you are. But the thing that's bothering me, is that I can't have proper sex in my dreams still. I don't know why even though I no longer have doubts about myself in real life. Why can't I have proper intercourse with the ladies and have hours of hot steamy sex. This is what's bothers me. I can't watch sex, I can't have sex, and I even can't dream of sex. Why can't I be a kid again?

Zero: Man you're thinking too much into it, relax, your dreams will get right again, don't worry. At least you're dreaming of something, unlike me, I haven't been dreaming at all for some time now.

Zeek: It is better not to dream at all than to have incomplete ones.

Zero: No man, believe me, when you wake up every morning not knowing what were you dreaming of you get an empty blank feeling as if you don't belong in this world, and you're just a scumbag on a deserted island.

Zeek: Maybe. I guess we're both facing problems with dreams. Anyway, what about you, are you seeing someone now?

Zero: If I am you will know before anyone.

Zeek: Yeah I know that, but I was wondering if there's someone you are yet to talk with me about.

Zero: I'd like to keep that for myself.

Zeek: Fair enough, that's your right.

Zero: What else is going on with your life?

Zeek: The funniest thing happened last month, I was in Marina and was walking out of that place with my friend where he pointed at a car and asked me isn't this the same plate number of your ex? I didn't even know what my ex plate number was, maybe because I was never interested in cars. I knew it was short and cute though. I told him I don't know. He said he was sure it is, and what made him positive is that it was the same car she owns. It was 5 am and if that was her car then she would have been sitting in the same place we were at, but I could have sworn she wasn't inside. We haven't talked in over a year, but after I got home I texted her asking if that's her plate number. It was a direct question and one that would make an outsider feel we are on good terms. She replied instantly by greeting me on the Eid occasion we were in, and then she told me she changed her car plates when she renewed her license. I replied back in a nice way. That was it. She didn't send anything after. Maybe there was nothing more to be said, but it just felt weird. There was something missing. I don't know. I think we could have talked, but what would we talk about I didn't know. It just felt weird that we didn't.

Zero: Maybe she's pissed at you for something. Girls always get pissed you know.

Zeek: It seems like everyone is pissed at me. It's like I am the only guy who pisses people off. I am the biggest pisser on planet earth. No one seems to realise if they themselves had pissed me off in the first place or not. Sometimes I wonder why do things get so bad between someone and his ex, but then when you look at it, maybe you wouldn't be friends in the first place had you not dated her, so you can't ask for friendship now after you two screw it all up. It is all messed up.

Zero: Yeah if I look back on the great people I dated, it is crazy; either the ones I lost due to my silly antics or the ones who lost me with their stupidity. Man, I am so enjoying the talk with you, too bad I have to leave soon. Tell me one last thing, since girls are the highlight of the conversation we're having, why do they lately stink?

Zeek: Don't get me started on that!!! I have talked and talked about that for some time now, it is ridiculous. I really don't get it. Girls are supposed to smell good. They cannot smell bad. Well, if they have revealing body hair, that's a huge problem, and Egyptians girls especially veiled ones think they can get away with that because their arms and legs are covered, but at least women (both veiled or not) can still fix their smell! There's nothing worse than a girl who smells, seriously. I tried to filter down what could be the worst turn off in a girl, and it's definitely her stinky smell. I have dated before girls who used to drink alcohol as much as I used to drink water, and their smell didn't turn me off as much as I get when a girl's BO stinks. Some people sweat more than others, that's fine with me, but to sweat is something and to smell is something else. If you smell bad then you fix it. If your breath stinks then you fix it. Every problem has a solution, so just go and fix yours. I find it heartbreaking really when a beautiful girl doesn't realise the fact that she smells, and it is more sad how her friends and family who I am sure can notice it don't tell her or guide her on what to do. I can never tell a girl she smells bad, but I will definitely tell any of the guys. I don't get why girls would get ashamed telling another girl that.

Zero: Yeah when girls stink they smell of dead turtles. And don't ask me what a dead turtle smells like. I wouldn't know, but just the look of a dead turtle is horrifying, so you can at least imagine the smell.

Zeek: Haha, I like that. Dead turtles! Do you realise that if someone stinks; usually sitting to his left side is worse than sitting on his right? There is something fishy about that left side. I always end up sitting on their left side, both guys and girls, especially when I am driving, and it is a killer. On the right side it still stinks, but it is not as bad. So here you go; a tip you can use in the smelly future.

Zero: Man you're crazy. I am going to jet. When will I see you again?

Zeek: Soon. Let's plan for it.

Zero: Alright, I will give you a call when I miss you.

Zeek: Sure, I will be alive, hopefully. You would hear the news if I die, so you better come to my funeral.

Zero: What if I make a no show? You have to understand that I can never imagine life without you, and now you want me to come to your funeral. Let's make a deal, if I die before you die, don't come to my funeral, and I will do the same.

Zeek: I can't promise you that. Let's see how it goes.

I stood up to shake Zero's hand, and the moment I stretched my arm I touched a solid surface. I blinked with my head going one inch backward, and I suddenly realised I am touching the mirror. I moved back and forth to check if I am crazy, and even did the chicken dance that I love, and all I saw was me.

Did I just go through a deeper kind of slumber with my eyes wide awake?

Oh well...welcome to my world.

To Forgive...

To forgive those that have hurt us seems at times an almost impossible task. And, often it is. Why? Because we haven't yet learned to forgive ourselves. Some of you might be asking and wondering, what do I have to forgive in myself?

We, as human and fallible beings often do things we're not proud of, or carry unnecessary guilts for things that happened long ago. These guilts weigh us down like a sack of stones slung across our psyche, and must be shed before we move towards the concept of forgiving others. Ask yourself this, if you can't find it within yourself to forgive your own shortcomings and errors, how on earth can you expect to truly forgive, letting go of anger and hate?

The past is dead and unless YOU choose to change that, it will be your constant companion and burden all your days. It will impact every single thing you do whether you realise it or not. Rid yourself of it with whatever means you can. Realise we are none of us perfect nor are we without errors. If you have hurt someone badly, and have a way to make amends, do it.

Belief in a power greater than ones own puny ego helps enormously. For those things that you've done that cannot be amended by letter, calling or simply face to face encounter will do. If you can't locate them due to death or sudden disappearance then ask God to forgive you. This becomes easier the more you use, and soon, you find yourself unwilling to wait to say I'm sorry, or even better I forgive you.

When you reach this stage in your journey, life becomes a more joyous experience, and most days you walk without being burdened by self guilt and hate. You will be able to shed all your old saddles of resentments, misunderstandings and guilts.

I believe this is one of the most important and biggest life lessons I've learned, and always reminding myself with during hard times. It is better to forgive, let go of the hurt and pain, so you are finally free to love another person just because he or she is a child of the universe, unique and valued for simply the person they are. Don't put off the chance to forgive, to shatter the chains of hate and dissension one more minute. Life isn't promised, and you never know when 'I forgive you' comes too late.

I can never undo anything I have said, wrote or done, but I can face up to it. I can tell the truth. I can forgive. I can seek forgiveness. And then let God do the rest.

Last year I raged at 2 guys in my post here and towards a girl there. Even though I was hurt and my writings didn't mean to attack them but instead were more of replying to the stuff they labeled me with, yet I shouldn't have done it. I forgive them, and even though my replies were more of self-defense, yet I was foolish and I shouldn't have done it. I am sorry, and I hope that one day they will forgive me too.

On the other hand I hurt a lot of people in my life, old and young, family and strangers, friends and girlfriends, and even animals too. One thing for sure is that I have never ever intended to hurt them.

Again I was foolish.

Again I am sorry.

And I do hope that one day they will all forgive me too.