Not all those who wander are lost.

I change my mind all the time. People think I am fixated and opinionated but in reality, I change my mind all the time. I don't know if that's good or bad. In the Quran, Abraham's quest to find God took several turns; at first, he looked up to the huge statuses his father and tribe worshipped. When he left, he looked at the stars, then the moon and thought he found the Creator, then when the dawn came to close, he saw the sun, bigger and brighter, and he thought he finally found what he was looking for until he realised that God created all this. That story resonates a lot with my everyday life but in other ways. I go to work and see people, speak with some of them and think I am in the right place, then I sit with others and feel I should change jobs. I talk to someone about work (my current job, a previous role or a future prospect) and get convinced that I made the right decision, then sit with someone else who rightfully challenges my thoughts and puts me back to square one. 

I returned to Egypt two years ago, full of excitement about coming back to my hometown, being closer to family and friends, and visualising a 'perfect' life for my wife, son (only one kid at the time) and myself. Two years forward and I still don't know if coming back was the right decision or not. Every day, and I mean every day, I am thinking about it. I have more work/life balance here, I see my family more often, and so, I feel I made the right choice. On the other hand, I am not challenged at work, I am being judged for lacking an 'Egyptian social life', and so, I ask myself if I made the right choice or not. I see my kids growing up playing with their grandparents every day, speaking Arabic, and learning more about our religion and culture, and I am over the moon about it, and then my mind plays tricks on me by asking me, would they have been deprived of those had we stayed in Dubai? I really don't know. The answer is, I don't know. 

I pray to God every day to choose the right path for me. To make it clearer, to not have any self-doubts about my decisions. People with options in life (options on where to live, where to work, where to study, etc.) will always find it harder. They will always wonder if they are making the right decisions for themselves and their families or if they should have chosen another path. When I was a kid, I was a follower of my parents. I changed countries when they did, I came back when they did, I ate what they fed me and I read whatever we had in the house. I played with the toys they gave me or the ones I told them to get me. My life, even if I had little control over it, was directed and guided by them. Now, as a forty-year-old, I am expected to do the same for my family (wife and kids). Every decision matters. Every decision counts. Every decision will shape a future. 

I remember when I first moved to the UAE, I was asking myself every day, 'Did I make the right choice? Was I right to leave a stable reputable job in Cairo and leave my family and wife (then fiancee) in Egypt to start a new life in another country? There wasn't a day when I didn't miss Egypt when I was away. 

I don't know what's right and what's wrong, but even Abraham was confused, and that's why it's normal to get confused. After all, I am human. I am strong yet fragile. I am wrong more than right. I try to do better and be better. I work hard but I am not a robot. I am always training my mind to feel good, however, a phone call could take me to the lowest of all lows. I breathe in and breathe out. I am human, and sometimes I wish I was young again so decisions could be taken on my behalf.