Cool kids never have the time...

I am back after a one-day hiatus! 

So, in case you (I doubt anyone is reading this and deep down I am happy) are wondering where was my blogpost yesterday or if Zeek has faltered again and couldn't keep up with his daily writing habit - you're wrong! Yesterday I was attending a full-day event, and my laptop was in the car. As I mentioned earlier in previous posts, my writing habit is linked to the office (or to the fact that I am sitting in front of my laptop). 

How was yesterday without writing? It felt OK. I didn't beat myself up because now I know that if something stops me from performing my daily routine, then it's not the end of the world. Here I am again, writing! Also, yesterday, at the conference, I had my notebook with me and I was doing several 'mind mapping' exercises to rewire my brain - thanks to both James Clear and BJ Fogg! These exercises are really liberating and so many ideas automatically flow naturally. I wish I had been introduced to it earlier. Like now I know why I can't do something or why I am convincing myself I can't, and vice versa, what I need to do to get to/accomplish something. I know, you're probably (again, I hope no one is reading) thinking I am crazy or having one of those philosophic trips, but really, those two books (Atomic Habits and Tiny Habits - the latter I haven't finished listening to yet) have been life-changing. 

I am starting to question everything. Things I have been doing. Things I wanted to do. Things I thought I wanted. Do I really want this? Do I really need this? Do I have to do this task in that way? And so on...I have been also re-watching my life in playback mode in my head, just to understand why I did certain actions and how I was living my life as a child, a teen, a student, etc.

For example, in all of my childhood memories, I always avoided fights. I never wanted to fight. I hated fights. I always wanted to smile and have fun. I never wanted to hurt anyone. I remember when we were kids, certain friends of mine would always talk about wanting to hit someone, or even hurt them, break their cars, and so on. I was never that person. No matter how much I was angry at someone, I never wanted to physically harm anyone. I shouted a lot, had fall-outs with people, and I was immediately upset with myself that 'this' happened. I have always wanted to apologise first, even if I held myself from doing so numerous times. I hate it when someone is upset with me. 

I go back in time in my mind and remember how much I loved writing. Not writing nice pieces of essays or perfectly worded English or Arabic, but just writing for the sake of writing. During exams, even in high school, I always asked for extra paper because I ran out of the ones handed to us on the day - one of the reasons I was told that it cost me getting A's during several subject courses in my IGCSE because if you answered more than what was expected of you then it actually deducts points from you. I was told during 2nd round of interviews that I spoke too much and delved into topics that were meaningless and it was the main reason I got rejected. When I tell stories, to my friends, colleagues or even to my wife, they always tell me to hurry up and not get into too many details. When online chatting became a thing in the late '90s, I could chat for hours, and, when telecom operators in Egypt launched the SMS feature on phones, in the summer of 2000 to be exact, I was always on my phone texting people for hours and hours without getting bored. I was told by some of my teachers in school and early managers during my corporate life that I have a talent. Those few people always inspired me to do what I do and not to scale down. When I launched my blog in 2006 I was writing and looking forward to writing even when I thought no one was watching (reading) at the time. I think when I started having an audience (even if it was a couple of friends), my writing changed. Instead of writing what I wanted to write, I started writing to impress. During that time and maybe a while before I had started freelancing with magazines (sports) and moderating online football forums; just writing writing and writing. I wasn't a writer by profession, but in my mind, I was one, and I liked to think of myself as that. Comments and likes impressed me and the attention got me hooked. My passion for writing was now more about impressing people - and for years, this was probably one of the reasons why I couldn't write what I wanted or what stopped me from writing because when the attention and likes declined and disappeared, I felt worthless for a while. Every now and then the spark gets ignited, whether to write a new blogpost, or the ambition of writing a book, or a screenplay, but then it fades again. That's why I am more comfortable writing now because I doubt that anyone is reading my blog. Also, I learned that I don't need to impress anyone. I remember in Grade 5 when I submitted my Arabic essay homework (which was more of a 'freedom of expression' assignment, i.e. descriptive writing) and the teacher made me read it out loud in class and students clapped. I was happy to get the recognition. Likes and attention have long been part of our upbringing even before the internet and likes/comments/emojis came into our lives. It's human nature to like attention, whether it is for our abilities or physical appearance. I think it hit me most when I stopped getting any attention (not for a particular reason) or when I saw others getting the attention that I thought I also deserved (or that I knew, or my fickle mind thought I could do the same like them - those who performed that task, whether doing something remarkable at work or appearing on TV, I asked, 'why not me?) More on that another day. I enjoy talking and writing. I cannot be sitting silently in a meeting room. Maybe that's why I enjoyed (or thought I did - but it's more like performed well) a career in corporate communications because it involves a lot of writing, from emails to documents, talking to clients, attending meetings, taking notes, etc. But I still feel limited. I write what they want to see/hear, I do what they want, not what I want. Maybe I am destined to have a side gig of writing/talking about what I want, whether that's a podcast, a novel or a screenplay or maybe it's just this blog. I will find out - I am sure I will because this self-realisation quest I am on is not stopping anytime soon, because, I believe there is a purpose I am yet to fulfil and there are bigger doors I need to unlock to achieve more happiness and dreams...dreams that willl make me whole and content...dreams that are meant for me and nobody else...dreams that will make me look back at my life, and say, yes, this is what I was destined to do. So, unless my time on this planet comes to an end, I will keep on going, and spreading happiness along the way, because just like reading, speaking and writing, I always made jokes, I was (still am) always loud, I love making people laugh and happy and feel good about themselves, regardless of who they are, I want everyone to be happy. 

Boss in Motion, the circular round-bottled perfume, by Hugo Boss, was launched in 2002. I was first introduced to it during my trip to Vienna that same summer. It was like nothing I had smelled before. I am a perfume addict and my wife/family would complain that I spend too much money on perfumes and I always finish them fast and spray too much. Scents, just like music (as explained in previous posts), transport me to places and elevate my feelings of happiness. I am wearing this perfume today and it was September 2002 when I first smelled it. Fast forward 21 years later, and several bottles bought along the way, it still gives me the same joy it did back in the day. The only difference is that I was walking on crutches back then after my surgery. 

Health is such a blessing, alhamdolelah. Thank you, God, for everything. 🙏💓