An Interview with My Favourite Person.
It has been so long since we last talked; we have been on and off throughout our lives, we never agreed on everything, and even when we did, we still disagreed on how to agree. We stopped talking for years. Blamed one another for our faults. Delved into mystic sages and drowned in a world of sins. Maybe if time goes back I wouldn't have met that person, or then again, maybe if time did go back, I would still be friends. I don't know, but all I know is that no matter what happens between us we will always be special, and I will always consider him as my greatest companion. And I am quite positive he would say the same about me. I met him today, and we talked a lot. We always do when we meet. It was an open chat, as it always gets with us. The dialogue was in the form of an interview; we got used to that, it works best for us. I will name him Zero.
Warning: The following contains material that might not be your cup of tea. But then again, you wouldn't be on this blog if it wasn't. Still, you have been warned.
Zero: So this is it?
Zeek: What?
Zero: Life.
Zeek: What's wrong with life?
Zero: What's wrong? You kidding me! Tell me what's good about life! We wake up every day go to our silly jobs and get paid peanuts, we get sick, our friends get into accidents and the next morning we bury them, everything around us changes, and then you come and tell me what's wrong with life?
Zeek: Why all the rage? This has been the situation since our ancestors, since Adam and Eve, did you just realise that?
Zero: Yes! Believe it or not yes! When we were kids we never thought any of this would happen to us. Remember back in school when we used to enjoy our time like never before? Remember how girls looked up to us? Remember when we used to play sports for hours and never got tired? Remember when we first started smoking and thought we have entered the forbidden kingdom. Ok I will make it easier to you; tell me the best year/summer of your life during your teens, which year was it?
Zeek: Definitely school year 97/98 as a whole and that summer of 1998. This year was incredible by all means. I felt like I owned the world, I was 15 and I had it all. Literally, I had it all.
Zero: Great, tell me why it was great. What exactly edged it over every other year in the 27 years you've survived so far?
Zeek: Ok, I will list them in points, as you know me I like analysis:
1- I reached the ideal weight I've been working towards for the previous 2 years.
2- Yes I had dated before and was even asked out by girls, but this time I got asked out by the girls whom I wanted to be asked out by, not just anyone.
3- I enjoyed my summer shopping; I set the trend with my clothes back then.
4- I was in my last year in school, and damn, nothing feels better than being a Senior.
5- I had different girls who were best friends hitting on me, and it felt superior to actually select and filter.
6- I used to go to places and know for a fact that I am being noticed, and that girls wanted every piece of me.
7- I was acting in a perfect play at school and I loved the theatre back then.
8- I had been smoking for 2 years so I was some kind of a master with the shisha and in the outings, it was me who gave out the advice.
9- We started clubbing and it felt good to shake that dance floor.
10- I always felt special being the only sober one in parties.
11- I was playing sports like crazy. I was captain of my football team, was a splendid squash player and a unique runner/swimmer.
12- I was introduced to the world of wows. There's nothing, and I mean nothing as tasteful as the female nectar. Do you know how does it feel to be the only one between my friends who had any experience with women? While my friends and most of the people my age back then were touching themselves and masturbating like maniacs, I was getting kissed for fun and since I was the only kid in the world who haven't tried masturbating since I passed puberty, NOT EVEN ONCE, that alone made me king of that world we were living in.
13- I was dating 2 girls at the same time! Can you believe how perfect life was? And too add to my mastery, the 2nd girl knew of my original girlfriend, and because she wanted to be associated with me she didn't even mind being second fiddle.
To sum it up, I had the hots, the fame, the great friends, I couldn't ask for anything else. Each one in the world desires stuff and can't get them, but what more could I possibly want? I got everything I never even thought they would exist.
Zero: I remember those days quite well my friend :) nice to bring back all those memories. But can you see; all of the points you listed were more or less revolving around girls and the female/dating side in your life, and that's normal, because what would a 15 year old kid wish for? Back to our topic, so did you expect your life now 12 years after to turn like that? If all these things brought you happiness why are you not doing them anymore?
Zeek: I don't get you. What exactly are you pointing to?
Zero: You never had big dreams, but you always had it one step ahead. You did everything back then before us, and you weren't one of us - the flock - but look at you now? You are no different than any of us.
Zeek: Care to elaborate?
Zero: Is this your ideal weight? Is this daily life you're living satisfying you? Are you happy with your work? Do you make enough money as you thought you would be making? I am sure you even dated girls you never even would have considered back then - can't you see all that?
At this moment in time, I actually had no words to reply with, and I had this quiet look when I told him to continue without even using my voice
Zero continuing: I am not happy about my life and I know for a fact that you are not happy with yours. We're living in a fickle world which we never belonged to in the first place. Had we known life would treat us like that then we wouldn't have approached it that way. When we were kids we never cared for tomorrow because we were brought up not to. We had it easy back then. We had it all. We were judged by our character and sense of humor. We were judged by our abilities, whether they are academic, social or even sexual. We were kings of our domain, and we shone like the sun on a winter's day beaming with love and warmth to every one around. Look at us now:
1- We are useless human beings; all of our ex's got married with babies that we could have been fathers to.
2- You and I both want to get married, yet we are not the type who will just get married on the spot, we need to get to know the girl well and not rush it. And the funny thing is that girls now suddenly stopped 'dating'. They just want to get married. What is possibly wrong if you are 27 and you date a girl your age for a year or two then take it a step further and get engaged? Why do girls who passed the age 25 are in a marathon to get married? Why is it OK for a girl to be dating before she graduates, yet it is absolutely unacceptable if she is employed? And you know what's even more hypocritical? That this girl in university could actually date someone her age, but if you are the one who is interested with an age difference of 5+ years, then she will tell you to come meet her parents.
3- We want to sin but we stop ourselves from sinning because both of us are strong believers in our religion. We want to live the right way. We don't want to walk on egg shells. We'd rather be frustrated than sinning. I am like you, was never a fan of drugs/alcohol, but you know me, how much I LOVE that female nectar, and really in a perfect world I would have got physical with every girl I come across. Our problem is that we never ever thought that what we did when we were kids was actually something wrong or a sin as we know now. I block my eyesight from looking at girls under the umbrella of religion. I look aside when there's a porn scene in a movie under the umbrella of religion. I stop myself from doing a lot of things I want because of religion. I am not sad about that, I am happy and I believe that the rewards will be bigger, but what's saddening me is that I was allowed to break through those chains and taste the banned fruits when I was a kid. We could have been born in Heaven if Adam & Eve didn't eat from the tree. They sinned inspite knowing what they did was wrong. We sinned not knowing what's right and what's wrong. We sinned because we thought we had to do this to be proper men. If we were allowed to visit Heaven once in our life, in our dreams, we will wake up in shock, and automatically hate our lives, and try to sleep as much as we can after that to be offered another chance of dreaming of Heaven. Females are heaven on earth.
Zeek: Females are not heaven on earth.
Zero: Hell yes they are. Tell me one thing you want right now? We both quit smoking and we know how life is beautiful without smoking. We don't miss smoking because if you go back in time, we shouldn't have smoked in the first place. Some people refer to smoking, drugs, alcohol, and even football as heaven on earth, but how would you enjoy any of them if you haven't even tried it? When we first started smoking, it tasted awful, we were coughing and spitting and didn't even know what was this all about! We didn't love it afterward, but it was the nicotine in our blood, and that's where all the cravings came from, and that's why for years and years we thought we love it and we can't live without it, but instead we were just prisoners, and that's why when we are free now, we don't long for it, and we look back and wonder how stupid we were. The same goes for drugs. You get used to it, it controls you. Alcohol is even worse than all that because you drink something that doesn't even taste right. Can you bring me anyone who liked the taste of alcohol when they first tried it, no matter if it had been mixed with coke, pineapple or coconut. Can you? As for football, then it is relative, there are millions like us who are crazy passionate about football more than anything in the world, but we have seen others who cannot even bare to spend 90 minutes in front of TV watching a game, and they are interested in other sports instead. But when it come to girls, the first time you touch a girl's hand you will feel enchanted. The first hug would take you to wonderland, and your first kiss will make you gaze with your eyes wide open inspite the girl's eyes are wide shut, but you will have yours open so you can double check that you are finally kissing someone. It will make you dream away in space. Even before we reach puberty age we feel something towards girls. I remember my first year in school and that girl with a red ponytail that I liked and used to go home and tell my parents about. I remember on my 6th birthday at the club when I danced slow with another girl whom I liked. I remember when I was a kid and I ran to kiss that girl on the cheek after the break bells rang and stormed as fast as I could, etc... Our love to girls and to that female nectar is in our DNA. We just can't live without them. There is no happiness in the world that could be derived elsewhere. You can quit smoking and live your life forever happily and same goes for all sorts of drugs. From your morning coffee to the underwear you are used to wear, but you can never ever go on without women. And those who don't get married, end up with one night stands every now and then, watch porn, masturbate, and be sure that every night they go to bed alone, they will wonder: 'when will I have someone next to me?'
Zeek: Ok you do have a point. I definitely won't argue with you, but I still believe that there is life beyond women.
Zero: Who said there is no life beyond women. There is family, friends, work, football, and all sorts of other things that are still 'good' in life. But these are all ingredients that you have to mix in the right order and don't pour too much of one onto another or else you'll end up screwing yourself up.
Zeek: What do yo mean?
Zero: Sometimes you give your friends more time than your family, and sometimes you get involved with work more than you should. Sometimes you stress yourself with minor things such as watching football while you could actually get up from your chair and go practice it yourself. When you're dating you can give your girl too much time and treat her like a queen then suddenly you discover that it's not worth it, or maybe she's not worth you. And sometimes you neglect your friends and then when you are back on good terms, they tell you that friends will always be here for you but girls come and go, but then again all this is crap. It is all about balance. Friends will always be here for you, no matter how much time you give them, so you don't need to worry about that. You don't need to select your words before talking. Friends will always be friends. You only have to abide with the man-pact and brotherhood rules and you'll be fine. If you look back when we were young, we were all just one big man doing everything together, it was definitely better than what is it like now when everyone is in a different place, country or even continent. And even when we sit together we still feel like strangers. We are observing not looking, speaking not talking and it's just not as fun as it used to be before. It is all about balance my friend. You need to balance your life. Balance your work. Balance your friends. Balance your love life. Balance your hobbies and interests.
Zeek: Oh I like your lateral thinking! Sometimes you surprise me with such wisdom of yours.
Zero: Haha, it's not always like that. I just like to speak my mind out to you. You are my best friend. You're probably the only friend that I've had. The one who cares for me and definitely the only one who understands me. We laugh together and we suffer together, we're unbreakable at times and we weep on many many nights.
Zeek: Dude you're freaking me out, stop talking like that, are you dying?
Zero: I don't know, but I know death is near. I don't know if I will die tomorrow or in 30 years, but I have been feeling death for some time.
Zeek: What do you mean feeling death? How can you feel death?
Zero: I don't know, I can't explain it. I just feel that I am next.
Zeek: Next in what exactly?
Zero: Just next. I don't dream of dying. I actually don't dream at all lately, and when I do, they are dreams I can't recall. And even if I do remember them, they just don't make sense anymore. But I just feel it.
Zeek: You mean feeling lonely? Are you lonely?
Zero: No I am not lonely. I just feel like going. Going to that other place. Maybe I feel that because I want life to end soon. I don't know. These are all maybes. But what I know for sure, is that I want to take that trip to the other world. I want to go, I really want to.
Zeek: Man you're freaking me out.
Zero: Dude, we're just talking here. I am not going to cut my wrists or jump off the balcony. I could never do that. It is against our religion, and if I will sin then I'd rather get physical with a girl than kill myself! Plus, I am not the bravest man in the world. I would never harm myself. I get scared and I don't like pain. If I have to choose the way I die, then I would want it to be pain-free. Dying in my sleep would be ideal.
Zeek: I was hit by a car before and I didn't feel a thing, but when I woke up I was in severe state of pain with a shattered leg, but that moment I got hit in felt like thin air.
Zero: Well I don't want the pain. So maybe I would get hit and die on the spot, but it will still look bad, and I would never stand in front of a fast car. My senses will push me away.
Zeek: Dude, why can't we change the subject. It is not funny talking about how you want yourself to die.
Zero: You've always been like that. There's nothing wrong when wishing and wanting a peaceful quiet way to die in.
Zeek: I think when I die I will not want to look at the faces of my loved ones. I don't want to see their sadness because I might feel guilty that I have left them behind me, and I wouldn't want that. I will just go in silence and disappear as if I was never here in the first place.
Zero: Man you worry too much. Even when you're dead and no longer alive you will still be worried. Dude you will just be a ghost, or maybe you won't even be a ghost. We are never sure if we die will be able to see the world from a different angle or not.
Zeek: I believe my dad is looking down on me. I like to feel that he is watching me. Maybe he is not, but I want to live with the notion that he is shining down on me from Heaven.
Zero: I miss your dad.
Zeek: I never knew what it is like to miss someone as I know now. Whenever I used to travel and come back and say the words I miss you to someone, is actually something I thought I felt, but I didn't. Even when people I knew passed away, I missed them, but with my dad it's different. If I have to define the words 'missing someone' then it will be the state I am feeling since the day he was gone. It feels funny how we thought life would end if we didn't get the passing mark back in school, or if things get ruined between you and your girl, or funnily enough if a team you support lose a big game. I would trade anything in the world now just to see my dad again. I would live happily ever after without football, girls, work, food, anything I have desired, just to see him. I cry every day. I cry every night. I cry both with tears and I also cry silently. I never thought you could actually cry without tears - to cry from inside your heart. Do you remember when we were kids and our mothers wanted to cry but they didn't in order not to scare us so they end up just keeping their tears inside? This is it. But let me tell you; the grief I have to go through daily is something I would never wish upon someone, and yet, it is this grief that keeps me going. It is this pain that actually gets me out of bed and takes me to work. It is the sorrow that makes me achieve things I've never thought I would. Yes I miss my dad endlessly, and I hate life, and I want to be with him, but I am not going to just sit here doing nothing about it till my time is up, instead, I will try to enjoy life. It is all about passing the time. That's it, passing the time. It is up to me to make use of what's left in my life, and I've decided to make the best out of it. And I am and will be doing so with the suffering I get every passing second.
Zero: You seem like you have found a new meaning to life.
Zeek: I don't want to get too sophisticated about it, but after all, if you think about it, what's the point of life? There's nothing in this life worth living for, when every person you love dies, what is there more to do? Will you get another dad? Will you love another mom? Hell if I die right now, who will you complain to? You don't replace people with others, and you can't do that. That's why religion is important, and that's actually the beauty of religion. It is religion that makes us calm. Without religion I would probably be insane right now. Without religion I would not have known what is it like to love and be loved. And it is religion that promises you that you will reunite with the dead again, so the truth is, religion is always on your side, and it's always providing you with the necessary tools to live, but we just tend to complicate things all the time, that's why we end up either fearing the afterlife and stop thinking about it, or we don't think about it at all till it's too late to think of anything.
Zero: So here you are agreeing with me on the balance equation I was saying earlier; even in religion you need to have the right balance.
Zeek: Yeah, it seems that we agree as much as we disagree.
Zero: Haha, remember in the past when you used to blame me for everything wrong that happened in your life?
Zeek: Of course, and I still do. You always push me towards the wrong things. Always.
Zero: Well it isn't bad. You repay me by pushing me towards the right things, so you shouldn't feel bad about yourself. You are doing a good job. Each and every one of us has 2 sides, a good side and a bad evil one. The best thing about us, is that you are my good angelic friend, and I am your worst devilish friend. I push you towards my world of treasures and you guide me towards the fresh air of wisdom.
Zeek: Yes, but you can't continue like this. Why can't you just defeat all the wrongs about your life and try to start over? Not that I am an angel; not at all, but at least I am trying to make amends with myself.
Zero: I can't. I don't want to.
Zeek: How?
Zero: I don't want to stop thinking about women. I can't be like you.
Zeek: Man, get over yourself. We CAN live without thinking of women.
Zero: No you can't, you're almost a year single now, of course if we exclude that summer thing that should have never been. Tell me something, how happy are you?
Zeek: I am happy.
Zero: No you're not.
Zeek: Why do you always act as if you know everything?
Zero: Because I do.
Zeek: Well, I am happy with how my life could be going, but yes I miss being with someone, I have to admit. It's not that I want to be with someone because I miss being with someone, no, it's about the fact that I know that being with someone you want to be with - that feeling - cannot be topped by anything else.
Zero: Do you think of your ex's?
Zeek: In what way? We all remember our ex's.
Zero: Do you miss someone more than the other?
Zeek: Every single one of them used to believe that I think of the previous one or of the one I spent longest with. They all had doubts in their own selves. I just don't get why they had insecurity problems, but back to your question, well I don't think of someone more than the other. It just happens depending on a certain situation I am in.
Zero: Give me an example.
Zeek: Ok I was driving that night and I rarely switch on the radio, but my iPod wasn't working for some reason and the radio played a song for Aerosmith, and it just hit me how much an ex of mine used to love that song. It was all a matter of a moment.
Zero: Why didn't you comment when I mentioned 'that summer thing'?
Zeek: You even said it yourself; it should have never been, so what do you expect me to talk about?
Zero: Why didn't it last?
Zeek: I thought you know everything.
Zero: I do, but I want to know if you believe her.
Zeek: No I don't.
Zero: Why?
Zeek: 1 + 1 = 2 and that wasn't the case with her.
Zero: What do you mean?
Zeek: I might have had sick girlfriends before, or let's just say they possessed a sick side or nature that seemed to show whenever something was not going their way, but with that girl, it was not like that. She is not sick. She is pretty sane. She doesn't have a sick side, or at least from what I know of, but it is definitely the first time in my life I feel I got fooled.
Zero: Fooled? What do you mean fooled?
Zeek: Not fooled as in I discovered something I didn't know or anything of that sort, but fooled as not being told the truth on the reason(s) behind her behaviour. She just didn't convince me, and I am sure she wasn't even convinced herself. She wasn't honest with herself to tell me in the eye the true reasons for her to be like this, and that's why I ended it.
Zero: Do you know why?
Zeek: Of course I do. I felt it. My gut feeling can never go wrong.
Zero: Oh you and your gut feeling theory. What did it tell you this time?
Zeek: Believe me it works. Never did it fail me, not even once. The reason is plain and simple. She liked me, I know she did, her eyes would never lie, but I just didn't tick all her boxes. And you know me, I believe in me, and if someone thinks I don't tick all the boxes, then we can never belong together.
Zero: Oh, and what ever happened to the Rolex girl btw?
Zeek: Oh the Roelx girl!
Zero: Haha, yes.
Zeek: Well she wasn't the first girl I date who had a Rolex on, but I will always label as the Rolex girl, because she was seriously living in a bubble. She acts normal but she's not. She thinks she's modest but even if she is, she wants to be with someone who is not, and that's why we couldn't be together.
Zero: How?
Zeek: It is clear. Look at her friends and look at mine. Look at her life and look at mine. I wouldn't get along with any of her friends, and definitely not with her life. She comes from the bling bling world, and I am just me. I am my own man. I am not saying she is materialistic, not at all, because I would have never been involved with someone from that sort. It's just that she is smart, and she approached this relationship the way a football coach approaches a game with certain tactics. She liked me, but she wasn't head over heels about me. She didn't know me well. She wanted to know me well, and when she did, she knew that as time goes by, she will like me more and will be even madly in love with me, but I still wouldn't fit her criteria, and thus, it was best for all not to be with me. She might say she has a point, but I don't agree with people who think like that. You shouldn't approach a relationship with one eye on your partner and another eye behind your back checking out if he will fit or not. She stopped herself from getting more involved with someone she actually liked A LOT just because he is a normal person, even though this man could have been the best thing that happened to her, but she didn't pursue it, because the 'go ahead light wasn't yet green in her eyes'. Yet, if I had the cash and the car, all the lights in her life would have turned green, and she would have pursued it, yet by time, she could have discovered that I am the worst person in the world. So I just don't get it; why would you stop yourself from knowing someone even if you like him because your mom thinks you should marry Richie Rich? How can the financial basis of someone directs your feelings? What if I own the money but I am stingy? What if I smell for instance? What if I don't treat my family in a good way? What if I don't sweet talk and treat you right like any normal couple would do? And on the contrary, if you meet someone and you find him very nice and he even gives you butterflies and let you laugh your heart out every time you talk or meet, but he is not rich enough, then no, you wouldn't pursue it. I've dated women who have financial power more than this girl and her family would even dream of, and they were all modest, and all they cared of was how good is this man treating their girl, and no matter how much praise those girls and families deserve yet my words will never do them justice. And then come this girl who thinks herself cool because she has a Rolex; well why did she even approach me in the first place? To hell with this and to hell with women and families who share the same mind. Funny. Life is funny.
Zero: That's the problem with them girls. We are normal to them, and by normal it doesn't mean we live on the street. If you look at us, we either had the same or better schooling. We earn more than they do. Our parents always granted us our wishes. We traveled the whole world before they even got on a plane. We would never look in someone's belongings and the word envy is not in our dictionary because all our lives we were never ignored, but the problem is- we lack the cash and assets, and this my friend is a problem for them. It is just because we live in the same society and on the same street, or have the same group of friends, doesn't mean we have 10 cars and that we have different apartments to pick from whenever we decide to tie the knot, and that whenever we want cash we will call the big man home to transfer it in our bank accounts. Back in school we were all growing up with the same boundaries. We all got in cabs or had drivers because we still didn't have a license. We went out to the same places. We were more or less all the same, even with the clothes we had to put on; inside the school we had uniforms we had to abide to and outside it was always a jeans a t-shirt. It all changes the moment you enter university, and some kids would travel abroad either because they need a more healthy academic life or because their parents just have too much money to spend. Others would enter normal universities because their parents believe that the university name wouldn't matter much and all they want - is their kids to graduate with a degree, and finally ourselves; get enrolled in the middle ranked universities for various reasons: either we didn't qualify for the best, or our parents didn't have the money to pay for the best, or we just wanted to follow our friends to revive our high school memories. People turn 18 and they buy cars. You will find your friend who was just with you the other night in the cab now drives a brand new baby, while another kid is driving a car your dad could never even dream of driving, another with a car just like yours, and finally, that kid who drives an old used car that has been there in the house for years and probably his brothers and sisters even had it before him when they turned 18. At this very moment my friend; this is when the first slap of life hits you and says 'hello' with a smirk on her face. From this moment life changes for you. You graduate from university and you find your friends working with their family in their own private business with no need to worry about what probably 98% of the kids do when they graduate. Others will work straight in the top multinationals because their parents 'know people'. Others would undergo tons of interviews in those multinationals just to filter them and very few get accepted. Others will go to recruitment agencies and submit their CV's and wait for THAT call to start with a local company earning peanuts, and then they wait for the moment they get another job offer which will be like a new lease of life. You grow more and then comes the natural order of humanity - marriage - and the moment when one man's family meet another. You see your friends getting married easily with no problems at all, others have to go through lots of fights and they might succeed to pull it through at the end, while others get rejected before anything starts and usually because they are 'normal'. For the second time I am going to say it; when we are kids we're all the same, but when we grow up, we're not. There is the well-off kid, there's the rich kid, there's the normal kid and there's the average kid. The well-off, rich, normal and average kids are all friends but their statuses were never noted when they were little children, but as they grow up, the people they deal with starts to differentiate between them and make them look at themselves and wonder if they really are that different or not, and here's when you know you can't have it all. You see some of your own friends who are married and you know quite well that the wife is with the guy because he is well-off or rich. Yes she loves him but you never know if she loves him for who he is or for what he owns. I don't want to be like that, I want the girl who will end up with me to take me for who I am, doesn't matter if I will accommodate her in a 2 story villa or in a small lazy apartment. What matters is the man in me and the amount of love and care I will genuinely offer her. And she needs to share with me that genuine love and care herself. If I have the money I will make her a queen, and if I don't have the money I will still make her a queen. A royal one. She needs to understand that.
Zeek: It's not like that anymore my friend.
Zero: It's just sad how everything nice and beautiful disappeared. We should just sleep and dream of nice things.
Zeek: Speaking of dreams, you know what's funny? Even when I go to bed at night and sleep, and this is the time of the day where I could actually dream of anything I can wish for; I just dream of silly things. When you sleep and dream, you are supposed to dream of things and places you cannot reach, that's why they are called dreams. We live in reality and therefore dreams should be the total opposite. Even my wet dreams of late have been very sad, I am suffering from premature ejaculation in my dreams! Can you imagine that? So even in my dreams I can't have proper sex! I deprive myself from looking at girls in the real world and ban my hands from masturbating like all men do and when I go to sleep - I don't get to do it - and even when I do it - I don't do it right. I am supposed to be a stallion in my dreams, to have sex with every single woman on planet earth, and instead I cum the moment I start kissing or making out.
Zero: How?
Zeek: I just cum.
Zero: Yes we all cum in wet dreams, that's why they're called wet.
Zeek: No no, I just cum early, that's why it's called premature ejaculation. I am kissing the girl, and the next moment I am a water park. I don't even put it in. One of my dreams I was actually sliding it in but it was too late again, I came all over her.
Zero: Wow. There must be a reason for all this my friend. Maybe you have been very stressed lately with work and all. They say premature ejaculation comes with stress, and statistics say that every other man will experience it at least once regardless of age, time or place.
Zeek: Yeah maybe that's why, but I also know something else that could have led to all this.
Zero: What is it?
Zeek: Ok as you know, I am very confident with my own body. I take off my clothes and walk around with my unit dangling around in front of my friends, despite some of them getting so shy in doing the same, even though we are all brothers. Most of them have issues in displaying their private parts, maybe they think it doesn't look right, and they all have insecurities with its size. So anyway, one day, I was with that girl in the car and she told me to show it to her. She just asked for it. Automatically I had no hesitation and just took it out of my jeans so confidently. Before I tuck it in she possibly said the WORST thing a girl would ever say in such situation.
Zero: Which is?
Zeek: First of all her tone of voice was quieter than usual. It's like she wasn't fascinated to see a man's penis one metre away from her! And all she had to say was 'why is it small?' Out of all the words that she could find, that's all what she could think of 'WHY IS IT SMALL?' That was even worse then the Seinfeld episode when that woman accidentally opened the bathroom door to find George Costanza naked after he came out of the shower, then she jiggled and walked away, with him screaming 'I JUST CAME OUT OF THE SHOWER'.
Zero: Oh man that episode was classic. What happened after that?
Zeek: I joked about it and tried to change the subject. Of course the moment I got home and took my clothes off, I stood in front of the mirror and looked at my body, and for the first time in my life I looked at myself in a different way. I didn't need that girl's opinion to change my level of confidence in my own body, but I don't know why did it break me like that. I always complimented my own body to myself, but from that moment every time I looked at my body I felt something was wrong. For the first time in my life I started browsing the internet checking reviews on the human body and how long should your unit be. I even came across exercises that would increase your size. I felt so down and I really wasn't anymore the guy I was.
Zero: How is this related to premature ejaculation?
Zeek: After that incident we were once somewhere and we kissed, and while we were kissing, I was getting erections, but then I started thinking what if she touched me down there and I started feeling all those insecurities in a span of seconds, so I just came in my pants while kissing. I really hated my life. How can I cum in my pants while kissing? I never even experienced such a thing when I was a kid, how would I get that now! Every time that girl touched me I wasn't confident enough and I thought I am not good enough. I always loved my body, the way it is and didn't want to change anything in it. Guys always wondered how long their penises should be and all my life I was the only who didn't. I have seen smaller ones, enormous ones, crazy shaped ones, and I never wanted to change mine, but believe me, at this phase in my life, if I actually could have changed one thing in me, then it would have been my baby down there. I am totally over that now, my lapse of self-doubt disappeared, and I am as confident as I always have been before this girl showed up in my life. It was all psychological; all in the head. You tend to be what you believe you are. But the thing that's bothering me, is that I can't have proper sex in my dreams still. I don't know why even though I no longer have doubts about myself in real life. Why can't I have proper intercourse with the ladies and have hours of hot steamy sex. This is what's bothers me. I can't watch sex, I can't have sex, and I even can't dream of sex. Why can't I be a kid again?
Zero: Man you're thinking too much into it, relax, your dreams will get right again, don't worry. At least you're dreaming of something, unlike me, I haven't been dreaming at all for some time now.
Zeek: It is better not to dream at all than to have incomplete ones.
Zero: No man, believe me, when you wake up every morning not knowing what were you dreaming of you get an empty blank feeling as if you don't belong in this world, and you're just a scumbag on a deserted island.
Zeek: Maybe. I guess we're both facing problems with dreams. Anyway, what about you, are you seeing someone now?
Zero: If I am you will know before anyone.
Zeek: Yeah I know that, but I was wondering if there's someone you are yet to talk with me about.
Zero: I'd like to keep that for myself.
Zeek: Fair enough, that's your right.
Zero: What else is going on with your life?
Zeek: The funniest thing happened last month, I was in Marina and was walking out of that place with my friend where he pointed at a car and asked me isn't this the same plate number of your ex? I didn't even know what my ex plate number was, maybe because I was never interested in cars. I knew it was short and cute though. I told him I don't know. He said he was sure it is, and what made him positive is that it was the same car she owns. It was 5 am and if that was her car then she would have been sitting in the same place we were at, but I could have sworn she wasn't inside. We haven't talked in over a year, but after I got home I texted her asking if that's her plate number. It was a direct question and one that would make an outsider feel we are on good terms. She replied instantly by greeting me on the Eid occasion we were in, and then she told me she changed her car plates when she renewed her license. I replied back in a nice way. That was it. She didn't send anything after. Maybe there was nothing more to be said, but it just felt weird. There was something missing. I don't know. I think we could have talked, but what would we talk about I didn't know. It just felt weird that we didn't.
Zero: Maybe she's pissed at you for something. Girls always get pissed you know.
Zeek: It seems like everyone is pissed at me. It's like I am the only guy who pisses people off. I am the biggest pisser on planet earth. No one seems to realise if they themselves had pissed me off in the first place or not. Sometimes I wonder why do things get so bad between someone and his ex, but then when you look at it, maybe you wouldn't be friends in the first place had you not dated her, so you can't ask for friendship now after you two screw it all up. It is all messed up.
Zero: Yeah if I look back on the great people I dated, it is crazy; either the ones I lost due to my silly antics or the ones who lost me with their stupidity. Man, I am so enjoying the talk with you, too bad I have to leave soon. Tell me one last thing, since girls are the highlight of the conversation we're having, why do they lately stink?
Zeek: Don't get me started on that!!! I have talked and talked about that for some time now, it is ridiculous. I really don't get it. Girls are supposed to smell good. They cannot smell bad. Well, if they have revealing body hair, that's a huge problem, and Egyptians girls especially veiled ones think they can get away with that because their arms and legs are covered, but at least women (both veiled or not) can still fix their smell! There's nothing worse than a girl who smells, seriously. I tried to filter down what could be the worst turn off in a girl, and it's definitely her stinky smell. I have dated before girls who used to drink alcohol as much as I used to drink water, and their smell didn't turn me off as much as I get when a girl's BO stinks. Some people sweat more than others, that's fine with me, but to sweat is something and to smell is something else. If you smell bad then you fix it. If your breath stinks then you fix it. Every problem has a solution, so just go and fix yours. I find it heartbreaking really when a beautiful girl doesn't realise the fact that she smells, and it is more sad how her friends and family who I am sure can notice it don't tell her or guide her on what to do. I can never tell a girl she smells bad, but I will definitely tell any of the guys. I don't get why girls would get ashamed telling another girl that.
Zero: Yeah when girls stink they smell of dead turtles. And don't ask me what a dead turtle smells like. I wouldn't know, but just the look of a dead turtle is horrifying, so you can at least imagine the smell.
Zeek: Haha, I like that. Dead turtles! Do you realise that if someone stinks; usually sitting to his left side is worse than sitting on his right? There is something fishy about that left side. I always end up sitting on their left side, both guys and girls, especially when I am driving, and it is a killer. On the right side it still stinks, but it is not as bad. So here you go; a tip you can use in the smelly future.
Zero: Man you're crazy. I am going to jet. When will I see you again?
Zeek: Soon. Let's plan for it.
Zero: Alright, I will give you a call when I miss you.
Zeek: Sure, I will be alive, hopefully. You would hear the news if I die, so you better come to my funeral.
Zero: What if I make a no show? You have to understand that I can never imagine life without you, and now you want me to come to your funeral. Let's make a deal, if I die before you die, don't come to my funeral, and I will do the same.
Zeek: I can't promise you that. Let's see how it goes.
I stood up to shake Zero's hand, and the moment I stretched my arm I touched a solid surface. I blinked with my head going one inch backward, and I suddenly realised I am touching the mirror. I moved back and forth to check if I am crazy, and even did the chicken dance that I love, and all I saw was me.
Did I just go through a deeper kind of slumber with my eyes wide awake?
Oh well...welcome to my world.
Warning: The following contains material that might not be your cup of tea. But then again, you wouldn't be on this blog if it wasn't. Still, you have been warned.
Zero: So this is it?
Zeek: What?
Zero: Life.
Zeek: What's wrong with life?
Zero: What's wrong? You kidding me! Tell me what's good about life! We wake up every day go to our silly jobs and get paid peanuts, we get sick, our friends get into accidents and the next morning we bury them, everything around us changes, and then you come and tell me what's wrong with life?
Zeek: Why all the rage? This has been the situation since our ancestors, since Adam and Eve, did you just realise that?
Zero: Yes! Believe it or not yes! When we were kids we never thought any of this would happen to us. Remember back in school when we used to enjoy our time like never before? Remember how girls looked up to us? Remember when we used to play sports for hours and never got tired? Remember when we first started smoking and thought we have entered the forbidden kingdom. Ok I will make it easier to you; tell me the best year/summer of your life during your teens, which year was it?
Zeek: Definitely school year 97/98 as a whole and that summer of 1998. This year was incredible by all means. I felt like I owned the world, I was 15 and I had it all. Literally, I had it all.
Zero: Great, tell me why it was great. What exactly edged it over every other year in the 27 years you've survived so far?
Zeek: Ok, I will list them in points, as you know me I like analysis:
1- I reached the ideal weight I've been working towards for the previous 2 years.
2- Yes I had dated before and was even asked out by girls, but this time I got asked out by the girls whom I wanted to be asked out by, not just anyone.
3- I enjoyed my summer shopping; I set the trend with my clothes back then.
4- I was in my last year in school, and damn, nothing feels better than being a Senior.
5- I had different girls who were best friends hitting on me, and it felt superior to actually select and filter.
6- I used to go to places and know for a fact that I am being noticed, and that girls wanted every piece of me.
7- I was acting in a perfect play at school and I loved the theatre back then.
8- I had been smoking for 2 years so I was some kind of a master with the shisha and in the outings, it was me who gave out the advice.
9- We started clubbing and it felt good to shake that dance floor.
10- I always felt special being the only sober one in parties.
11- I was playing sports like crazy. I was captain of my football team, was a splendid squash player and a unique runner/swimmer.
12- I was introduced to the world of wows. There's nothing, and I mean nothing as tasteful as the female nectar. Do you know how does it feel to be the only one between my friends who had any experience with women? While my friends and most of the people my age back then were touching themselves and masturbating like maniacs, I was getting kissed for fun and since I was the only kid in the world who haven't tried masturbating since I passed puberty, NOT EVEN ONCE, that alone made me king of that world we were living in.
13- I was dating 2 girls at the same time! Can you believe how perfect life was? And too add to my mastery, the 2nd girl knew of my original girlfriend, and because she wanted to be associated with me she didn't even mind being second fiddle.
To sum it up, I had the hots, the fame, the great friends, I couldn't ask for anything else. Each one in the world desires stuff and can't get them, but what more could I possibly want? I got everything I never even thought they would exist.
Zero: I remember those days quite well my friend :) nice to bring back all those memories. But can you see; all of the points you listed were more or less revolving around girls and the female/dating side in your life, and that's normal, because what would a 15 year old kid wish for? Back to our topic, so did you expect your life now 12 years after to turn like that? If all these things brought you happiness why are you not doing them anymore?
Zeek: I don't get you. What exactly are you pointing to?
Zero: You never had big dreams, but you always had it one step ahead. You did everything back then before us, and you weren't one of us - the flock - but look at you now? You are no different than any of us.
Zeek: Care to elaborate?
Zero: Is this your ideal weight? Is this daily life you're living satisfying you? Are you happy with your work? Do you make enough money as you thought you would be making? I am sure you even dated girls you never even would have considered back then - can't you see all that?
At this moment in time, I actually had no words to reply with, and I had this quiet look when I told him to continue without even using my voice
Zero continuing: I am not happy about my life and I know for a fact that you are not happy with yours. We're living in a fickle world which we never belonged to in the first place. Had we known life would treat us like that then we wouldn't have approached it that way. When we were kids we never cared for tomorrow because we were brought up not to. We had it easy back then. We had it all. We were judged by our character and sense of humor. We were judged by our abilities, whether they are academic, social or even sexual. We were kings of our domain, and we shone like the sun on a winter's day beaming with love and warmth to every one around. Look at us now:
1- We are useless human beings; all of our ex's got married with babies that we could have been fathers to.
2- You and I both want to get married, yet we are not the type who will just get married on the spot, we need to get to know the girl well and not rush it. And the funny thing is that girls now suddenly stopped 'dating'. They just want to get married. What is possibly wrong if you are 27 and you date a girl your age for a year or two then take it a step further and get engaged? Why do girls who passed the age 25 are in a marathon to get married? Why is it OK for a girl to be dating before she graduates, yet it is absolutely unacceptable if she is employed? And you know what's even more hypocritical? That this girl in university could actually date someone her age, but if you are the one who is interested with an age difference of 5+ years, then she will tell you to come meet her parents.
3- We want to sin but we stop ourselves from sinning because both of us are strong believers in our religion. We want to live the right way. We don't want to walk on egg shells. We'd rather be frustrated than sinning. I am like you, was never a fan of drugs/alcohol, but you know me, how much I LOVE that female nectar, and really in a perfect world I would have got physical with every girl I come across. Our problem is that we never ever thought that what we did when we were kids was actually something wrong or a sin as we know now. I block my eyesight from looking at girls under the umbrella of religion. I look aside when there's a porn scene in a movie under the umbrella of religion. I stop myself from doing a lot of things I want because of religion. I am not sad about that, I am happy and I believe that the rewards will be bigger, but what's saddening me is that I was allowed to break through those chains and taste the banned fruits when I was a kid. We could have been born in Heaven if Adam & Eve didn't eat from the tree. They sinned inspite knowing what they did was wrong. We sinned not knowing what's right and what's wrong. We sinned because we thought we had to do this to be proper men. If we were allowed to visit Heaven once in our life, in our dreams, we will wake up in shock, and automatically hate our lives, and try to sleep as much as we can after that to be offered another chance of dreaming of Heaven. Females are heaven on earth.
Zeek: Females are not heaven on earth.
Zero: Hell yes they are. Tell me one thing you want right now? We both quit smoking and we know how life is beautiful without smoking. We don't miss smoking because if you go back in time, we shouldn't have smoked in the first place. Some people refer to smoking, drugs, alcohol, and even football as heaven on earth, but how would you enjoy any of them if you haven't even tried it? When we first started smoking, it tasted awful, we were coughing and spitting and didn't even know what was this all about! We didn't love it afterward, but it was the nicotine in our blood, and that's where all the cravings came from, and that's why for years and years we thought we love it and we can't live without it, but instead we were just prisoners, and that's why when we are free now, we don't long for it, and we look back and wonder how stupid we were. The same goes for drugs. You get used to it, it controls you. Alcohol is even worse than all that because you drink something that doesn't even taste right. Can you bring me anyone who liked the taste of alcohol when they first tried it, no matter if it had been mixed with coke, pineapple or coconut. Can you? As for football, then it is relative, there are millions like us who are crazy passionate about football more than anything in the world, but we have seen others who cannot even bare to spend 90 minutes in front of TV watching a game, and they are interested in other sports instead. But when it come to girls, the first time you touch a girl's hand you will feel enchanted. The first hug would take you to wonderland, and your first kiss will make you gaze with your eyes wide open inspite the girl's eyes are wide shut, but you will have yours open so you can double check that you are finally kissing someone. It will make you dream away in space. Even before we reach puberty age we feel something towards girls. I remember my first year in school and that girl with a red ponytail that I liked and used to go home and tell my parents about. I remember on my 6th birthday at the club when I danced slow with another girl whom I liked. I remember when I was a kid and I ran to kiss that girl on the cheek after the break bells rang and stormed as fast as I could, etc... Our love to girls and to that female nectar is in our DNA. We just can't live without them. There is no happiness in the world that could be derived elsewhere. You can quit smoking and live your life forever happily and same goes for all sorts of drugs. From your morning coffee to the underwear you are used to wear, but you can never ever go on without women. And those who don't get married, end up with one night stands every now and then, watch porn, masturbate, and be sure that every night they go to bed alone, they will wonder: 'when will I have someone next to me?'
Zeek: Ok you do have a point. I definitely won't argue with you, but I still believe that there is life beyond women.
Zero: Who said there is no life beyond women. There is family, friends, work, football, and all sorts of other things that are still 'good' in life. But these are all ingredients that you have to mix in the right order and don't pour too much of one onto another or else you'll end up screwing yourself up.
Zeek: What do yo mean?
Zero: Sometimes you give your friends more time than your family, and sometimes you get involved with work more than you should. Sometimes you stress yourself with minor things such as watching football while you could actually get up from your chair and go practice it yourself. When you're dating you can give your girl too much time and treat her like a queen then suddenly you discover that it's not worth it, or maybe she's not worth you. And sometimes you neglect your friends and then when you are back on good terms, they tell you that friends will always be here for you but girls come and go, but then again all this is crap. It is all about balance. Friends will always be here for you, no matter how much time you give them, so you don't need to worry about that. You don't need to select your words before talking. Friends will always be friends. You only have to abide with the man-pact and brotherhood rules and you'll be fine. If you look back when we were young, we were all just one big man doing everything together, it was definitely better than what is it like now when everyone is in a different place, country or even continent. And even when we sit together we still feel like strangers. We are observing not looking, speaking not talking and it's just not as fun as it used to be before. It is all about balance my friend. You need to balance your life. Balance your work. Balance your friends. Balance your love life. Balance your hobbies and interests.
Zeek: Oh I like your lateral thinking! Sometimes you surprise me with such wisdom of yours.
Zero: Haha, it's not always like that. I just like to speak my mind out to you. You are my best friend. You're probably the only friend that I've had. The one who cares for me and definitely the only one who understands me. We laugh together and we suffer together, we're unbreakable at times and we weep on many many nights.
Zeek: Dude you're freaking me out, stop talking like that, are you dying?
Zero: I don't know, but I know death is near. I don't know if I will die tomorrow or in 30 years, but I have been feeling death for some time.
Zeek: What do you mean feeling death? How can you feel death?
Zero: I don't know, I can't explain it. I just feel that I am next.
Zeek: Next in what exactly?
Zero: Just next. I don't dream of dying. I actually don't dream at all lately, and when I do, they are dreams I can't recall. And even if I do remember them, they just don't make sense anymore. But I just feel it.
Zeek: You mean feeling lonely? Are you lonely?
Zero: No I am not lonely. I just feel like going. Going to that other place. Maybe I feel that because I want life to end soon. I don't know. These are all maybes. But what I know for sure, is that I want to take that trip to the other world. I want to go, I really want to.
Zeek: Man you're freaking me out.
Zero: Dude, we're just talking here. I am not going to cut my wrists or jump off the balcony. I could never do that. It is against our religion, and if I will sin then I'd rather get physical with a girl than kill myself! Plus, I am not the bravest man in the world. I would never harm myself. I get scared and I don't like pain. If I have to choose the way I die, then I would want it to be pain-free. Dying in my sleep would be ideal.
Zeek: I was hit by a car before and I didn't feel a thing, but when I woke up I was in severe state of pain with a shattered leg, but that moment I got hit in felt like thin air.
Zero: Well I don't want the pain. So maybe I would get hit and die on the spot, but it will still look bad, and I would never stand in front of a fast car. My senses will push me away.
Zeek: Dude, why can't we change the subject. It is not funny talking about how you want yourself to die.
Zero: You've always been like that. There's nothing wrong when wishing and wanting a peaceful quiet way to die in.
Zeek: I think when I die I will not want to look at the faces of my loved ones. I don't want to see their sadness because I might feel guilty that I have left them behind me, and I wouldn't want that. I will just go in silence and disappear as if I was never here in the first place.
Zero: Man you worry too much. Even when you're dead and no longer alive you will still be worried. Dude you will just be a ghost, or maybe you won't even be a ghost. We are never sure if we die will be able to see the world from a different angle or not.
Zeek: I believe my dad is looking down on me. I like to feel that he is watching me. Maybe he is not, but I want to live with the notion that he is shining down on me from Heaven.
Zero: I miss your dad.
Zeek: I never knew what it is like to miss someone as I know now. Whenever I used to travel and come back and say the words I miss you to someone, is actually something I thought I felt, but I didn't. Even when people I knew passed away, I missed them, but with my dad it's different. If I have to define the words 'missing someone' then it will be the state I am feeling since the day he was gone. It feels funny how we thought life would end if we didn't get the passing mark back in school, or if things get ruined between you and your girl, or funnily enough if a team you support lose a big game. I would trade anything in the world now just to see my dad again. I would live happily ever after without football, girls, work, food, anything I have desired, just to see him. I cry every day. I cry every night. I cry both with tears and I also cry silently. I never thought you could actually cry without tears - to cry from inside your heart. Do you remember when we were kids and our mothers wanted to cry but they didn't in order not to scare us so they end up just keeping their tears inside? This is it. But let me tell you; the grief I have to go through daily is something I would never wish upon someone, and yet, it is this grief that keeps me going. It is this pain that actually gets me out of bed and takes me to work. It is the sorrow that makes me achieve things I've never thought I would. Yes I miss my dad endlessly, and I hate life, and I want to be with him, but I am not going to just sit here doing nothing about it till my time is up, instead, I will try to enjoy life. It is all about passing the time. That's it, passing the time. It is up to me to make use of what's left in my life, and I've decided to make the best out of it. And I am and will be doing so with the suffering I get every passing second.
Zero: You seem like you have found a new meaning to life.
Zeek: I don't want to get too sophisticated about it, but after all, if you think about it, what's the point of life? There's nothing in this life worth living for, when every person you love dies, what is there more to do? Will you get another dad? Will you love another mom? Hell if I die right now, who will you complain to? You don't replace people with others, and you can't do that. That's why religion is important, and that's actually the beauty of religion. It is religion that makes us calm. Without religion I would probably be insane right now. Without religion I would not have known what is it like to love and be loved. And it is religion that promises you that you will reunite with the dead again, so the truth is, religion is always on your side, and it's always providing you with the necessary tools to live, but we just tend to complicate things all the time, that's why we end up either fearing the afterlife and stop thinking about it, or we don't think about it at all till it's too late to think of anything.
Zero: So here you are agreeing with me on the balance equation I was saying earlier; even in religion you need to have the right balance.
Zeek: Yeah, it seems that we agree as much as we disagree.
Zero: Haha, remember in the past when you used to blame me for everything wrong that happened in your life?
Zeek: Of course, and I still do. You always push me towards the wrong things. Always.
Zero: Well it isn't bad. You repay me by pushing me towards the right things, so you shouldn't feel bad about yourself. You are doing a good job. Each and every one of us has 2 sides, a good side and a bad evil one. The best thing about us, is that you are my good angelic friend, and I am your worst devilish friend. I push you towards my world of treasures and you guide me towards the fresh air of wisdom.
Zeek: Yes, but you can't continue like this. Why can't you just defeat all the wrongs about your life and try to start over? Not that I am an angel; not at all, but at least I am trying to make amends with myself.
Zero: I can't. I don't want to.
Zeek: How?
Zero: I don't want to stop thinking about women. I can't be like you.
Zeek: Man, get over yourself. We CAN live without thinking of women.
Zero: No you can't, you're almost a year single now, of course if we exclude that summer thing that should have never been. Tell me something, how happy are you?
Zeek: I am happy.
Zero: No you're not.
Zeek: Why do you always act as if you know everything?
Zero: Because I do.
Zeek: Well, I am happy with how my life could be going, but yes I miss being with someone, I have to admit. It's not that I want to be with someone because I miss being with someone, no, it's about the fact that I know that being with someone you want to be with - that feeling - cannot be topped by anything else.
Zero: Do you think of your ex's?
Zeek: In what way? We all remember our ex's.
Zero: Do you miss someone more than the other?
Zeek: Every single one of them used to believe that I think of the previous one or of the one I spent longest with. They all had doubts in their own selves. I just don't get why they had insecurity problems, but back to your question, well I don't think of someone more than the other. It just happens depending on a certain situation I am in.
Zero: Give me an example.
Zeek: Ok I was driving that night and I rarely switch on the radio, but my iPod wasn't working for some reason and the radio played a song for Aerosmith, and it just hit me how much an ex of mine used to love that song. It was all a matter of a moment.
Zero: Why didn't you comment when I mentioned 'that summer thing'?
Zeek: You even said it yourself; it should have never been, so what do you expect me to talk about?
Zero: Why didn't it last?
Zeek: I thought you know everything.
Zero: I do, but I want to know if you believe her.
Zeek: No I don't.
Zero: Why?
Zeek: 1 + 1 = 2 and that wasn't the case with her.
Zero: What do you mean?
Zeek: I might have had sick girlfriends before, or let's just say they possessed a sick side or nature that seemed to show whenever something was not going their way, but with that girl, it was not like that. She is not sick. She is pretty sane. She doesn't have a sick side, or at least from what I know of, but it is definitely the first time in my life I feel I got fooled.
Zero: Fooled? What do you mean fooled?
Zeek: Not fooled as in I discovered something I didn't know or anything of that sort, but fooled as not being told the truth on the reason(s) behind her behaviour. She just didn't convince me, and I am sure she wasn't even convinced herself. She wasn't honest with herself to tell me in the eye the true reasons for her to be like this, and that's why I ended it.
Zero: Do you know why?
Zeek: Of course I do. I felt it. My gut feeling can never go wrong.
Zero: Oh you and your gut feeling theory. What did it tell you this time?
Zeek: Believe me it works. Never did it fail me, not even once. The reason is plain and simple. She liked me, I know she did, her eyes would never lie, but I just didn't tick all her boxes. And you know me, I believe in me, and if someone thinks I don't tick all the boxes, then we can never belong together.
Zero: Oh, and what ever happened to the Rolex girl btw?
Zeek: Oh the Roelx girl!
Zero: Haha, yes.
Zeek: Well she wasn't the first girl I date who had a Rolex on, but I will always label as the Rolex girl, because she was seriously living in a bubble. She acts normal but she's not. She thinks she's modest but even if she is, she wants to be with someone who is not, and that's why we couldn't be together.
Zero: How?
Zeek: It is clear. Look at her friends and look at mine. Look at her life and look at mine. I wouldn't get along with any of her friends, and definitely not with her life. She comes from the bling bling world, and I am just me. I am my own man. I am not saying she is materialistic, not at all, because I would have never been involved with someone from that sort. It's just that she is smart, and she approached this relationship the way a football coach approaches a game with certain tactics. She liked me, but she wasn't head over heels about me. She didn't know me well. She wanted to know me well, and when she did, she knew that as time goes by, she will like me more and will be even madly in love with me, but I still wouldn't fit her criteria, and thus, it was best for all not to be with me. She might say she has a point, but I don't agree with people who think like that. You shouldn't approach a relationship with one eye on your partner and another eye behind your back checking out if he will fit or not. She stopped herself from getting more involved with someone she actually liked A LOT just because he is a normal person, even though this man could have been the best thing that happened to her, but she didn't pursue it, because the 'go ahead light wasn't yet green in her eyes'. Yet, if I had the cash and the car, all the lights in her life would have turned green, and she would have pursued it, yet by time, she could have discovered that I am the worst person in the world. So I just don't get it; why would you stop yourself from knowing someone even if you like him because your mom thinks you should marry Richie Rich? How can the financial basis of someone directs your feelings? What if I own the money but I am stingy? What if I smell for instance? What if I don't treat my family in a good way? What if I don't sweet talk and treat you right like any normal couple would do? And on the contrary, if you meet someone and you find him very nice and he even gives you butterflies and let you laugh your heart out every time you talk or meet, but he is not rich enough, then no, you wouldn't pursue it. I've dated women who have financial power more than this girl and her family would even dream of, and they were all modest, and all they cared of was how good is this man treating their girl, and no matter how much praise those girls and families deserve yet my words will never do them justice. And then come this girl who thinks herself cool because she has a Rolex; well why did she even approach me in the first place? To hell with this and to hell with women and families who share the same mind. Funny. Life is funny.
Zero: That's the problem with them girls. We are normal to them, and by normal it doesn't mean we live on the street. If you look at us, we either had the same or better schooling. We earn more than they do. Our parents always granted us our wishes. We traveled the whole world before they even got on a plane. We would never look in someone's belongings and the word envy is not in our dictionary because all our lives we were never ignored, but the problem is- we lack the cash and assets, and this my friend is a problem for them. It is just because we live in the same society and on the same street, or have the same group of friends, doesn't mean we have 10 cars and that we have different apartments to pick from whenever we decide to tie the knot, and that whenever we want cash we will call the big man home to transfer it in our bank accounts. Back in school we were all growing up with the same boundaries. We all got in cabs or had drivers because we still didn't have a license. We went out to the same places. We were more or less all the same, even with the clothes we had to put on; inside the school we had uniforms we had to abide to and outside it was always a jeans a t-shirt. It all changes the moment you enter university, and some kids would travel abroad either because they need a more healthy academic life or because their parents just have too much money to spend. Others would enter normal universities because their parents believe that the university name wouldn't matter much and all they want - is their kids to graduate with a degree, and finally ourselves; get enrolled in the middle ranked universities for various reasons: either we didn't qualify for the best, or our parents didn't have the money to pay for the best, or we just wanted to follow our friends to revive our high school memories. People turn 18 and they buy cars. You will find your friend who was just with you the other night in the cab now drives a brand new baby, while another kid is driving a car your dad could never even dream of driving, another with a car just like yours, and finally, that kid who drives an old used car that has been there in the house for years and probably his brothers and sisters even had it before him when they turned 18. At this very moment my friend; this is when the first slap of life hits you and says 'hello' with a smirk on her face. From this moment life changes for you. You graduate from university and you find your friends working with their family in their own private business with no need to worry about what probably 98% of the kids do when they graduate. Others will work straight in the top multinationals because their parents 'know people'. Others would undergo tons of interviews in those multinationals just to filter them and very few get accepted. Others will go to recruitment agencies and submit their CV's and wait for THAT call to start with a local company earning peanuts, and then they wait for the moment they get another job offer which will be like a new lease of life. You grow more and then comes the natural order of humanity - marriage - and the moment when one man's family meet another. You see your friends getting married easily with no problems at all, others have to go through lots of fights and they might succeed to pull it through at the end, while others get rejected before anything starts and usually because they are 'normal'. For the second time I am going to say it; when we are kids we're all the same, but when we grow up, we're not. There is the well-off kid, there's the rich kid, there's the normal kid and there's the average kid. The well-off, rich, normal and average kids are all friends but their statuses were never noted when they were little children, but as they grow up, the people they deal with starts to differentiate between them and make them look at themselves and wonder if they really are that different or not, and here's when you know you can't have it all. You see some of your own friends who are married and you know quite well that the wife is with the guy because he is well-off or rich. Yes she loves him but you never know if she loves him for who he is or for what he owns. I don't want to be like that, I want the girl who will end up with me to take me for who I am, doesn't matter if I will accommodate her in a 2 story villa or in a small lazy apartment. What matters is the man in me and the amount of love and care I will genuinely offer her. And she needs to share with me that genuine love and care herself. If I have the money I will make her a queen, and if I don't have the money I will still make her a queen. A royal one. She needs to understand that.
Zeek: It's not like that anymore my friend.
Zero: It's just sad how everything nice and beautiful disappeared. We should just sleep and dream of nice things.
Zeek: Speaking of dreams, you know what's funny? Even when I go to bed at night and sleep, and this is the time of the day where I could actually dream of anything I can wish for; I just dream of silly things. When you sleep and dream, you are supposed to dream of things and places you cannot reach, that's why they are called dreams. We live in reality and therefore dreams should be the total opposite. Even my wet dreams of late have been very sad, I am suffering from premature ejaculation in my dreams! Can you imagine that? So even in my dreams I can't have proper sex! I deprive myself from looking at girls in the real world and ban my hands from masturbating like all men do and when I go to sleep - I don't get to do it - and even when I do it - I don't do it right. I am supposed to be a stallion in my dreams, to have sex with every single woman on planet earth, and instead I cum the moment I start kissing or making out.
Zero: How?
Zeek: I just cum.
Zero: Yes we all cum in wet dreams, that's why they're called wet.
Zeek: No no, I just cum early, that's why it's called premature ejaculation. I am kissing the girl, and the next moment I am a water park. I don't even put it in. One of my dreams I was actually sliding it in but it was too late again, I came all over her.
Zero: Wow. There must be a reason for all this my friend. Maybe you have been very stressed lately with work and all. They say premature ejaculation comes with stress, and statistics say that every other man will experience it at least once regardless of age, time or place.
Zeek: Yeah maybe that's why, but I also know something else that could have led to all this.
Zero: What is it?
Zeek: Ok as you know, I am very confident with my own body. I take off my clothes and walk around with my unit dangling around in front of my friends, despite some of them getting so shy in doing the same, even though we are all brothers. Most of them have issues in displaying their private parts, maybe they think it doesn't look right, and they all have insecurities with its size. So anyway, one day, I was with that girl in the car and she told me to show it to her. She just asked for it. Automatically I had no hesitation and just took it out of my jeans so confidently. Before I tuck it in she possibly said the WORST thing a girl would ever say in such situation.
Zero: Which is?
Zeek: First of all her tone of voice was quieter than usual. It's like she wasn't fascinated to see a man's penis one metre away from her! And all she had to say was 'why is it small?' Out of all the words that she could find, that's all what she could think of 'WHY IS IT SMALL?' That was even worse then the Seinfeld episode when that woman accidentally opened the bathroom door to find George Costanza naked after he came out of the shower, then she jiggled and walked away, with him screaming 'I JUST CAME OUT OF THE SHOWER'.
Zero: Oh man that episode was classic. What happened after that?
Zeek: I joked about it and tried to change the subject. Of course the moment I got home and took my clothes off, I stood in front of the mirror and looked at my body, and for the first time in my life I looked at myself in a different way. I didn't need that girl's opinion to change my level of confidence in my own body, but I don't know why did it break me like that. I always complimented my own body to myself, but from that moment every time I looked at my body I felt something was wrong. For the first time in my life I started browsing the internet checking reviews on the human body and how long should your unit be. I even came across exercises that would increase your size. I felt so down and I really wasn't anymore the guy I was.
Zero: How is this related to premature ejaculation?
Zeek: After that incident we were once somewhere and we kissed, and while we were kissing, I was getting erections, but then I started thinking what if she touched me down there and I started feeling all those insecurities in a span of seconds, so I just came in my pants while kissing. I really hated my life. How can I cum in my pants while kissing? I never even experienced such a thing when I was a kid, how would I get that now! Every time that girl touched me I wasn't confident enough and I thought I am not good enough. I always loved my body, the way it is and didn't want to change anything in it. Guys always wondered how long their penises should be and all my life I was the only who didn't. I have seen smaller ones, enormous ones, crazy shaped ones, and I never wanted to change mine, but believe me, at this phase in my life, if I actually could have changed one thing in me, then it would have been my baby down there. I am totally over that now, my lapse of self-doubt disappeared, and I am as confident as I always have been before this girl showed up in my life. It was all psychological; all in the head. You tend to be what you believe you are. But the thing that's bothering me, is that I can't have proper sex in my dreams still. I don't know why even though I no longer have doubts about myself in real life. Why can't I have proper intercourse with the ladies and have hours of hot steamy sex. This is what's bothers me. I can't watch sex, I can't have sex, and I even can't dream of sex. Why can't I be a kid again?
Zero: Man you're thinking too much into it, relax, your dreams will get right again, don't worry. At least you're dreaming of something, unlike me, I haven't been dreaming at all for some time now.
Zeek: It is better not to dream at all than to have incomplete ones.
Zero: No man, believe me, when you wake up every morning not knowing what were you dreaming of you get an empty blank feeling as if you don't belong in this world, and you're just a scumbag on a deserted island.
Zeek: Maybe. I guess we're both facing problems with dreams. Anyway, what about you, are you seeing someone now?
Zero: If I am you will know before anyone.
Zeek: Yeah I know that, but I was wondering if there's someone you are yet to talk with me about.
Zero: I'd like to keep that for myself.
Zeek: Fair enough, that's your right.
Zero: What else is going on with your life?
Zeek: The funniest thing happened last month, I was in Marina and was walking out of that place with my friend where he pointed at a car and asked me isn't this the same plate number of your ex? I didn't even know what my ex plate number was, maybe because I was never interested in cars. I knew it was short and cute though. I told him I don't know. He said he was sure it is, and what made him positive is that it was the same car she owns. It was 5 am and if that was her car then she would have been sitting in the same place we were at, but I could have sworn she wasn't inside. We haven't talked in over a year, but after I got home I texted her asking if that's her plate number. It was a direct question and one that would make an outsider feel we are on good terms. She replied instantly by greeting me on the Eid occasion we were in, and then she told me she changed her car plates when she renewed her license. I replied back in a nice way. That was it. She didn't send anything after. Maybe there was nothing more to be said, but it just felt weird. There was something missing. I don't know. I think we could have talked, but what would we talk about I didn't know. It just felt weird that we didn't.
Zero: Maybe she's pissed at you for something. Girls always get pissed you know.
Zeek: It seems like everyone is pissed at me. It's like I am the only guy who pisses people off. I am the biggest pisser on planet earth. No one seems to realise if they themselves had pissed me off in the first place or not. Sometimes I wonder why do things get so bad between someone and his ex, but then when you look at it, maybe you wouldn't be friends in the first place had you not dated her, so you can't ask for friendship now after you two screw it all up. It is all messed up.
Zero: Yeah if I look back on the great people I dated, it is crazy; either the ones I lost due to my silly antics or the ones who lost me with their stupidity. Man, I am so enjoying the talk with you, too bad I have to leave soon. Tell me one last thing, since girls are the highlight of the conversation we're having, why do they lately stink?
Zeek: Don't get me started on that!!! I have talked and talked about that for some time now, it is ridiculous. I really don't get it. Girls are supposed to smell good. They cannot smell bad. Well, if they have revealing body hair, that's a huge problem, and Egyptians girls especially veiled ones think they can get away with that because their arms and legs are covered, but at least women (both veiled or not) can still fix their smell! There's nothing worse than a girl who smells, seriously. I tried to filter down what could be the worst turn off in a girl, and it's definitely her stinky smell. I have dated before girls who used to drink alcohol as much as I used to drink water, and their smell didn't turn me off as much as I get when a girl's BO stinks. Some people sweat more than others, that's fine with me, but to sweat is something and to smell is something else. If you smell bad then you fix it. If your breath stinks then you fix it. Every problem has a solution, so just go and fix yours. I find it heartbreaking really when a beautiful girl doesn't realise the fact that she smells, and it is more sad how her friends and family who I am sure can notice it don't tell her or guide her on what to do. I can never tell a girl she smells bad, but I will definitely tell any of the guys. I don't get why girls would get ashamed telling another girl that.
Zero: Yeah when girls stink they smell of dead turtles. And don't ask me what a dead turtle smells like. I wouldn't know, but just the look of a dead turtle is horrifying, so you can at least imagine the smell.
Zeek: Haha, I like that. Dead turtles! Do you realise that if someone stinks; usually sitting to his left side is worse than sitting on his right? There is something fishy about that left side. I always end up sitting on their left side, both guys and girls, especially when I am driving, and it is a killer. On the right side it still stinks, but it is not as bad. So here you go; a tip you can use in the smelly future.
Zero: Man you're crazy. I am going to jet. When will I see you again?
Zeek: Soon. Let's plan for it.
Zero: Alright, I will give you a call when I miss you.
Zeek: Sure, I will be alive, hopefully. You would hear the news if I die, so you better come to my funeral.
Zero: What if I make a no show? You have to understand that I can never imagine life without you, and now you want me to come to your funeral. Let's make a deal, if I die before you die, don't come to my funeral, and I will do the same.
Zeek: I can't promise you that. Let's see how it goes.
I stood up to shake Zero's hand, and the moment I stretched my arm I touched a solid surface. I blinked with my head going one inch backward, and I suddenly realised I am touching the mirror. I moved back and forth to check if I am crazy, and even did the chicken dance that I love, and all I saw was me.
Did I just go through a deeper kind of slumber with my eyes wide awake?
Oh well...welcome to my world.
posted by Zeek at Wednesday, October 06, 2010
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