Thursday, September 05, 2013

Crack the Shutters.

I’ve always said the best year and in particular the best summer of my life is in 1998. I never thought anything else would match it.

I was wrong.

2013 is the best year I’ve witnessed. The summer that just ended was the best summer in my life. To be specific, the last 6 months made me the happiest man in the world.

All this was down to only one person…my ex-girlfriend.

Every bit of you is engrained in me. You haven’t left my thoughts in the past few days. EVER. Not even once. To put it quite simply, I miss you. I miss the way you would confide in me. I miss unfolding your ears with my stories. I miss feeling your smile even if it was only on the phone. I miss every moment I lived with you. I despised every moment not spent with you. I could spend hours trying to explain why it hurts, but it’s quite complicated and all I know is that I miss you.

You told me before that ‘love is simple’ and that ‘all we need is love’. Is it? I don’t know.

Love is a funny thing. We expect it to be a world of roses and laughs and perfect moments that we find only in movies. I expect you to always say the right things, and always know exactly how I feel. I expect you to calm me down when I’m yelling and chase me when I walk away. I expect so much that I feel entirely, and utterly defeated when something doesn’t exactly match up with all my plans. But the thing is, love isn’t a plan. It doesn’t have a certain beginning and it certainly has no end. Love happens; it is so incredibly messy. People will never comprehend why I do the things I do, or say the things I say, or why I fight so hard for something that seems to cause me so much pain, because simply, they can’t see. They cannot see the invisible ring of insanity that surrounds me because I love you. It’s inconvenient and painful and devastating at times, but I can’t live without you. What I managed to learn in those few days is how hard love is. How much work it takes. How much we have to put into it. How it isn’t worth it until we are complete and utter idiots about it. Love isn’t you calming me down when I yell. It’s you yelling, just as loud, just as hard, right back at me, right in my face to keep me grounded. It isn’t me bringing you roses or presents on our anniversary every month that makes our relationship appear more presentable. It’s after a long fight, that drains the life and bones right out of us both, I come here to write this, putting my dignity and humility aside, just for you. Love isn’t me flicking my hands through your hair around your ears, but it’s me admitting that I can’t live without you even after a break-up. It’s me admitting that I don’t want to go on in life without you. You have to remember that with love, you’re not the only one involved, because I gave you my heart, and that means you own it. You do what you will. Mash it into mince meat, or forget that I ever handed to you. As long as you have my heart, I am happy, I am safe. Because all the fighting and all the tears and all the uncertainty is worth it. Even if I ever be happy in my life, without you I will never feel ‘whole’.

I traded away the happiness I found in your hands that fit so perfectly with mine. You traded away the bliss you felt when I sent you text messages telling you ‘snoopy poopy’. You failed me. I failed you. I lost you and yet I still love you. You drive me crazy and keep me sane at the same time and I wouldn’t want it any other way. At times it hurts to love you, and it fills me with anger. We both are trying to force ourselves out of a love that was given to us unconditionally. We are forcing ourselves to the dark, until we could no longer remember how we feel. We are turning our backs on one another yet we made a promise that we can always count on each other.

I’m not perfect. You aren’t either and the two of us won’t ever be perfect. But if I can make you laugh at least once, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human when I make a mistake, hold onto me and give me the most you have. This isn’t poetry, but I am thinking about you every minute of the day. Don’t hurt me, and I won’t change you. Don’t expect more of me than I can give, and I won’t analyse or judge. Smile when I make you happy, miss me when I am not there, and shout at me when I make you mad. Perfect people don’t exist, but there’s always one person who’s perfect for you. I’ve found my perfect person, whose orange hairband is wrapped around my left arm, and I’m hoping I can be yours too.

Forever yours...faithfully.


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