The EX Factor.

Some people envy me. I don’t know why. I don’t have the money or the wheels. I don’t have the physique or the concisions that of tattoos. I am not a musical band member nor am I that party night animal.

The only reason people (guys in particular) do envy me about is maybe the numerous relationships I’ve been in. My question is why? They don’t understand that the one thing they envy me about is my own evil, it haunts me down every day leaving no trace to escape.

Anyway.

Speaking of those exes, some of them are very dear to my heart, some of them are strangers on the streets when we coiencidentally meet, some of them are long gone just like grey ice when the autumn sun shines on.

I guess a major part of my wrong decisions and my suffering lies with my exes. Some of them looms on the horizon months and years after we broke up and send me a text or give me a call and they always pick the times when I am lost the most. Of course we’ve seen in all the novels and movies in the world how can an ex lover seduces her man back to her when he’s down, and it’s really true, and it’s funny that we; men, never learn. It’s not the same trap we fall into, it’s not designed the same, as different elements change accordingly. Sometimes you think that this girl didn’t get the same love or attention or whatever you want to call it like others, and it’s more of ‘giving her and yourself’ a second chance together.

Usually it fails.

Most of the occasions when you two get together again and it doesn’t work out, it leaves an even a more bitter taste in your mouth and stains your brain and skin with apprehension that may never heal. 

Each one of us has a story to tell, and my story is probably quite different than yours, not that it's more entertaining, on the contrary, it might be vastly boring, but it is mine and there is nothing I can do about it. 

My mind wanders about girls I dated. Usually when you reach a low stage in your life, or when you feel that there is nothing more to live for, that you look back to your past, regardless of its glory and pains, but you can't help but look back. 

That's another reason for failure. 

You can be 30 going on 40 and just like small football clubs who can't afford buying a star, you act the same, deciding to live the rest of your life with someone who is OK. 

I blame my exes as much as I blame myself for all the wasted years. Many great relationships I was in didn't flourish due to my exes and my weak mind that allowed them to ruin it for me. Other occasions involved my girl's personal exes who always surfaced, not by physical presence, but, with the strongest and most deadliest power known to man, the power of the mind. 

How many perfect people I've met, known and dated but were all added to the exes list and wrongly put with people who I haven't felt special with, all due to their exes and their past. Or due to my exes and their past. 

Talking is easy. I am a great talker. 'Your past is your past' and 'I don't care about what you've done before we met' are just a few statements that I have said all my life, but never comprehended. 

The names of my exes can be all written down on a piece of paper. It's true that their order in my heart and my memory vary, but at the end of the day what we are left with is just a piece of paper. 

I am sick and tired of adding names to that paper.