Tuesday, December 25, 2012

The Truth About Me. 'SPOILERS ALERT!'

It's been so long. I have failed flawlessly. I might be praised but I know deep within me that I failed. Another year is almost over and all the good stature I scluptured for myself has been torn to pieces. Apart from not accomplishing many things I wanted in 2012, the fact that I didn't grow personally is what bothers me the most. The fact that I fell for the same traps, ran around in circles and did the same wrongs expected from me are the reasons behind my unchanined misery. 

I am suffering loneliness and anxiety, I am suffering my own desires, I am lost and I can't find a way out.

I have had many triumphs this year, and these are ones collated and recognised by the people around me, but who cares really when behind all this glory is someone full of filth? I am walking around in a mask. Enough lies. Enough lies. Enough lies. Enough lying to myself about myself. Enough convincing myself with right and wrong when everyone know what's right and what's wrong. Enough filling the blanks for a mediocre exam. Enough wasting years. Enough!

I have hurt a lot of people in my life, and most probably I will continue to hurt people, but something has to change. I never intended to hurt anyone, and those who know me are aware of this, but at the end of the day all is forgotten when it hits the fan, right? 

Two days ago I went to watch the movie 'Flight', and I loved it. Later that night I was thinking of my life, and maybe I do need to come out just like Denzel Washington did. I am not an alcoholic. Actually the last time I had a sip of alcohol was in April 2000, I was 17. I got drunk and ran around in the streets claiming I am a fish. 

I do need to come out though, to talk about my present and persisting problems and ask for help. 

I do need therapy. I don't know what's the medical term to label my case, but I am severely uncured. Girls are the sole reason behind my personal torture which ultimately became their very own. Girls have always been in my life, and as the Chinese say, 'Same same but different', they look different, act different, but it ends the same way. I've been in numerous relationships in my life, and every time, it ends for a reason or another. Some people say I am looking for a certain someone in each and every girl I dated and end up breaking up when I make sure she will never be that person. Do I think they're stupid? At first I did, but this has been going on for years, and I am not sure yet if they are right, but there is one thing I am sure of: I am wrong. 

I have problems. I have issues. I will hurt you; if you're reading this, and you like me for a reason or another, then get away, or try to help me. And I don't think you will help me, because you will think you are different, and I will make you feel different than all the ones who preceded you, but at the end of the day the outcome will be the same. So just back off, forget about me; I am a death race, I am half paralysed, and I need to fix myself by myself or else I am going to spend my entire life on a wheel chair. 

Wish me luck. 

Yours Truly, 


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