Monday, July 13, 2009

Personal Growth.

7 months --> More than 200 days --> More than half a year = No Blogging.

Is that the longest time since I have blogged or what?

I do not think the reason I didn't write was because of over enjoymnet, or over depression. Neither did I have the so called 'writers block'. I just didn't feel there is something I need to write about or share. Even though during those 7 months I had reasons, many reasons actually to write. There were moments that I wanted to let out. Moments where I felt like bursting. Maybe those 7 months actually were richer than any 7 months before, or at least in the past few years, and by richer I do not mean full of events, not necessarily, but full of a big bundle of things that made me think. And maybe all the stuff that happened equals nothing to anyone else but me.

I do not know why have I decided to open my blog and write today. At first, I had almost forgot how my blog looks like. Those colours have been out of my sight for some time now. I am glad to be back. Not because this is where I belong. As a matter of a fact, I do not belong here, I make fun of people who sit on their buttocks and gaze infront of a screen, and I also make fun of the people who write. I always believed that writing is gay. Just like poetry, it is gay. I never appreciated seeing a friend of mine writing or getting romantic while holding a pen. I never thought the day would come that I would actually create a blog. I am very judgmental I know, and I can't help it. I do not think I will ever change in terms of judging things and looking at things from only my perceptive.

I declined a lot of offers in my life because they are against my morals, beliefs and attributes. I refused to work in an alcohol company. I opposed the idea to work in a tobacco company. I turned down other minor things too just because I am not convinced about them. I turned down the chance to write a book with someone, some kind of novel. I turned down another chance to write scripts or help in them because I never got convinced about the idea. I know people who are great script writers, but I find it lame and boring, not to mention that it is easy and meaningless. I only write about my life. If I ever write a book then I will write about my life. A book of mine will be a mirror of this blog. It will have my name all over it. Other than that, thank you very much I just won't be able to do it. I write about me. I write about my thoughts. I write about the thoughts that comes out of the thoughts I just talked about. Another book for me would be a documentary on Adolf Hitler, or Eric Cantona, The Smashing Pumpkins, or El Alsson School. But why would I write a story out of my imagination? Or why would I write about my life in a script giving different names to the real characters? Why do I write a script that can be later developed into a movie while I am not the one acting? How would YOU play a role that resembles ME? And even if I played ME, I would still not be able to do it, because life is not a movie. Acting is fake. There is no truth in it. I do enjoy movies. I love movies actually. I am one of the very rare people in this world who would leave the house and go to the movies all alone. I am the same guy who could finish a movie and then jets to another theatre to watch a totally different movie, and still all alone. I do not appreciate actors though. Neither do I appreciate producers or directors. I do not think that movies could direct the society or the environment to anywhere good. Even if it is a good movie, with an authentic message, yet it still didn't cause anything good.

Why would a producer spend 10 million Egyptian Pounds on a movie? The only reason in doing so is to actually generate more profit. It is business for him. Business to bring in more money. If you do actually have 10 million to spend, then why don't you spend them on something effective, something that will benefit you and others. Why don't you give something back to the society? Why would you create a big budget movie on President Sadat, while you can do a better documentary about him with a low budget cost? Why do you have to do a movie on drugs and what happens to drug addicts, while you can do a brilliant documentary capturing real-life examples?

This week also marks 5 months since I last met someone. Someone that I once considered blood. I didn't expect I would write about that issue, but apparently I am writing. This person really tarnished all my expectations. I blame myself for being too nice to him when everyone wasn't. And I wasn't being too nice because of sympathy, no, I was being too nice because I really considered him blood. I blame myself for enjoying my time around him, when everyone else didn't. I blame myself for not listening when I should have. I blame myself for being silent and negative when I should have reacted.

Last week, an old friend rang me and talked for a bit, at the end she was asking me where do I normally hang these days, and to her surprise, nothing had changed. Why do people get surprised when others have not changed things about their lives? And the way they get surprised makes you wonder if they are happy after doing that change, and then you discover that they are living a miserable life themselves, yet they will never share that piece of information with you. Funny thing is that during the same phone call, the girl asked me about a guy who sits in the same place I hang in. The irony is that if she had asked me that question 5 months ago, I would have told her that this guy is around me day and night, but again, that guy is no longer one of us. And no he is not the same person I talked about earlier. So anywho, I just replied by saying that yes I know how he looks, but I do not know him personally. Lately I have been thinking, why is that person on my Facebook list, and I was contemplating the fact to remove him, but as always, I delay thoughts till they dry up, but that phone call really got me thinking all again, why is that person on my Facebook list? What if my friend had asked me the question in a different manner: "Hey, I just realised you know ...... on Facebook?" - what would have been my response? I am glad she didn't ask. I know I would have delivered her a convincing answer, but I am just glad we didn't get into that anyway.

So yes, I have decided to delete him. I am also deleting that guy I considered blood. I do not think it is harsh, especially when you have always been the supportive arm to him and instead, he goes and spread lies about you to his friends and family. I am going to delete both of them now, and will look around if there is anyone else who needs to be removed, but I doubt because in the past 26 years of my life I have never felt betrayed as I did 5 months ago.

I have been labeled before a lot of things. I don't know why people enjoy spreading lies about me. I was once called a homosexual. Actually not only called that, but the person who spread that out literally built a whole scenario or let's say a script about a scene that involves me and 3 guys engaging in oral sex. Now that was funny.

You really don't want to know what happened to that person after my friends & I found out.

Here in the Arab world, women and men are not treated equally. Traditionally women do not get the freedom we men get. Also women here take more care of themselves than men do, and they try to keep their reputation on a high, because a bad reputation in an Arab country really wrecks the girl, and her future. I do not get why would girls I have rarely known or met claim they made out with me? Do you actually think I will feel all hyped up and confident? That is not flattering it is pathetic in all senses. I am no Tom Cruise, I am not the hottest guy in town, not at all. Only the people close to me me are aware of my essense, but the others only know lies about me, so why would someone I don't know claim that she was in bed with me? Thinking about it again it is seriously not flattering. I know other guys would actually jump at such opportunity if it arised, but to me that is disgusting. And this takes us to another stage, and to a more pathetic part in girls; is when they tell stories about you that are not only 'not true', but the hilarious part is that they used to tell you these stories in the past involving other people (another reason to thank God for my memory). One of the stories was very funny, at least in my eyes. I dated a girl once who told me that a guy she hated got her a bunch of flowers and in order to turn him off, she shouted at him as she claimed to be 'environmental friendly' and against flowers and leaves to be cut off trees. Of course back then I laughed hysterically and thought she was smart. Some time after we broke up, I hear a story rotating that Sherif Zaki brought flowers to ....... and she shouted at him, etc...

Isn't this the funniest thing that could happen to you, ever? Hahahaha I am actually laughing now almost every minute in the day, because it is funny, and the girl managed to make me laugh again hysterically, because that story tops the actual story she told me. Brilliant stuff!!

I tend to believe now that there was no guy with flowers in the first place. Things like that make you question a whole person, a whole identity. Just one lie like that is enough to make you doubt everything that girl said.

Last week I saw a guy who is in his 2nd year at university. He was talking with me about music and matches, and suddenly he received his grade in one of the courses he was taking last semester. He was very happy. I saw him call his friends to show off with pride. I watched him call his parents to tell them that their son is the best in town. I was very happy for him. It also reminded me not of my childhood, but reminded me with the fact that as you grow up, happiness gets a different meaning. Back then I used to look forward to my grades. I used to look forward to my summer vacation. I used to look forward to many things that are no longer around me. Yes I miss those days. That doesn't mean I will find happiness if I do the same things again in my age now. Would I get the satisfaction level up again if I enroll in a Master's program? I do not think so, because it is not about doing the same things. It is about identifying where your happiness lies and grasping it with both your fists. Would I get the satisfaction if I spend 10 hours playing console games with friends? I am sure it will be fun, but it won't get me anywhere I want.

I am going through some of the hardest days in my life. Days that I didn't see come. Days I didn't plan for. Days I haven't thought of alternatives or ways to overcome them. They say that something good must come after a lot of bad, and I await passionately and anxiously and also willingly with a smile to see what is next.

I am excited about what is next.

I know what is happiness.

I know where is happiness.

I have found happiness.

Have you?


Blogger كبر دماغك said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Monday, August 03, 2009 6:19:00 AM  
Blogger Sojol Hossain said...

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personal growth blog

Sunday, November 10, 2013 3:03:00 PM  

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