What Do We Want?

I always ask myself that every morning.

What do I want?

Do we know what we want? Do we think we know what we want? Do we want what we want because we want it or because we think we should have it?

A friend of mine was chatting with me this morning and telling me that there is this girl whom he just met and thinks she is pretty interesting, and is asking me if he shall pursue it. I reminded him that he has a girlfriend, and this girlfriend has 'everything he ever wanted' according to him.

But apparently; yes, she does have everything he wants (she ticks all the right boxes) but he just can't love her. He keeps telling me how much he is trying to fall in love with her, and he just can't. He claims that she is too good for him. She doesn't 'play games'. His argument is that, all his life he was always attracted to the ones who are not easy to get whenever he is in the hunting game. But this girl, was too easy. Her only crime, is that she is a normal, simple, bubbly girl who likes him and is attracted to him. My friend doesn't want that. He wants someone to neglect his calls and ignore them on purpose. He wants someone who won't fall for him after a couple of dates. He wants someone who will not go the extra mile for him.

Do you think my friend is crazy? You probably do. But I don't. Why?

Because I've been there before. You probably have been too, but you just can't remember.

This gets us to the main question, 'What do you want?'

I believe every single one of us should get a piece of paper, and write down what he is looking for, and most importantly, why is he looking for it?

If you ask a group of single women between the age of 23 and 33, most of them will tell you, 'We want to get married.' Try asking them, 'Why do you want to get married?' and then you will be able to listen to a variety of different answers, and these answers are the ones they, should pay all the importance to it.

We might differ in our beliefs. But I believe each of us should work hard towards those beliefs. A week ago I was talking with a friend of mine who, clearly, is not very happy lately. She is 31. She is still single. She has it all. And when I say she has it all, I mean, 'she ticks all the boxes a lot of guys are looking for'. She was telling me how unhappy she is lately due to problems at work, family, etc. I told her to do something crazy and fun to get her confidence levels back. Something she didn't do before, or something she hasn't done for some time. I was going to give her examples, like going to a karaoke and sing her lungs out, or going to Lebanon for the weekend. But then I told her, 'Why don't you give the guy you like a call and take him out for dinner?' A part of me was being serious and a part of me was trying to cheer her up. I don't even know if she likes someone or not. Anyway, that's not the point, really. It was her reply that was very shocking, and took me a good few minutes to digest it before letting all the rage out. She replied by saying, 'That's a nice idea, but who will pay for the cheque?' I actually re-read her message again and again trying to understand what the hell she was trying to say, because I hoped it wouldn't be what I had in mind, and even though I am sure she meant what I feared, I still asked her, 'What do you mean, I don't get it?' and she said, 'If I take him out to dinner, who will pay for the dinner. Of course I won't pay for dinner, I don't pay for anyone.' I totally raged at her, accusing her of stupidity, and accusing anyone who thinks like that as stupid, and even told her that I am lucky enough that all my girlfriends didn't have her mentality, etc. I even asked her, how come, such an educated person, who is from the circle of the society and same social class I am from thinks like that? This girl is a good friend of mine, but I didn't know her much in the past, we started getting closer over the past year only. I don't know who she dated or how long her relationships lasted. I was sure before that conversation that this girl is not materialistic. I could have sworn on that. She actually got offended when I told her that she is sick and said that I am rude, and told me that she wants someone to take care of her and pamper her, not the opposite. I didn't take the conversation any further.

I hate guys who are stingy. I make fun of guys who are cheap and who make their girls pay. There is no divine saying that guys should pay, but this is a common trait, unspoken, in the world we live in, that we guys, should always pamper our girls. And most of us do that. Most of us pay all the time. But sometimes we don't have money. Sometimes we are broke, and we just stay home. Sometimes our girls just take us out and say, 'It's on me tonight'. If I am a girl, I would actually LOVE calling the guy I like and tell him to get ready because I am taking him out for dinner. I believe any girl in the world would love that. Regardless of the place they end up going to or the amount of money she will pay at the end, but the thought in itself is pure magic, and any guy would be fond and fall for it, just like girls fall for us whenever we do something cute. That girl wouldn't have done it anyway, because she is weak, and she is brought up believing that girls should never approach guys. She believes that when a guy takes a girl out on a date and drops her home, that the girl shouldn't send him a text saying she had fun, and the guy - after that great night that he planned, executed and paid for - should still send her telling her how beautiful and amazing she was.

This is a girl that I would never even date let alone marry. I don't know why that girl is still single, but I am pretty sure she will not find that 'prince charming' anytime soon.

She really pissed me off. Throughout all my life all the girls I dated, I always paid, not because anything but because I like to pamper them. And every now and then the girls wanted to pay, and I let them, to make them feel good about themselves. But those girls used to let me pay because I want to pay, not because they thought that I have to because I am the man. Had they ever talked about me paying because I am the man, and I HAVE to pay, then I would have ended this relationship on the spot.

I don't want to judge the girl, but back to our main topic, this girl knows what she wants. She wants someone to take care of her and pamper her, pays for her and never let worry about anything. Even if I disagree with her ideology but at least she knows what she wants, and maybe that's why she is 31 and still not committed. Maybe because all the guys she met, no matter how nice they are, but still they don't tick her boxes or meet her needs, and this is a girl I respect. If this girl ever ends up with someone 'with my mentality' then I will feel sorry for her, because deep inside she will not be happy. Maybe she will settle for 2nd best when she feels old and her friends are already with two and three babies. Maybe due to the pressure from her family. I don't know, but I hope she finds what she is looking for.

So, what do you want? And, why do you want it?

Let's try this exercise. If I am going to list some of the stuff I want, they will be:

1- I want to change jobs.
2- I want to lose weight.
3- I want to focus more on my religion.
4- I want to keep growing personally.
5- I want to find love, in me, around me, and in the people I deal with.

Now let's find out, why do I specifically want those five things?

1- I want to change jobs, because I don't feel that I am growing anymore. I am not making enough money. In a perfect world, I would never leave my job. I've been here for almost five years. I love the people here, it's like my 2nd home. People complain about the traffic, and they take hours going to work and more hours going back home, while it takes me a six minute walk, I live right in the same street. I love the field, and I am the most experienced and senior person in my department. But I feel that it's not getting me where I want to be. We all thrive for the best. We all want to be making more money. We all want to learn new things and find new challenges. I don't get the excitement I used to get anymore here. I need new things, and I need a fresh start, in the never-ending journey of the corporate life.

2- I want to lose weight, because I was happier when I was thinner. I was more mobile. I was more alert, and I was more punctual. It was easy while I am doing sports, whether it is football or squash, or whether it was walking; everything seemed easy. I am also becoming a health freak, not in the 'gay' sense, but lately, people with strong and perfect health are dying, getting cancer and getting all sorts of problems, and it is really funny, because the more fit you are the higher the chance for you to get sick, but I am not falling for that crap, and I actually believe that the fitter you are, the better you will be.

3- What is religion? Is religion just practicing, or is it learning and understanding? Is religion obedience or is it love? Should we label people as religious by the way they look, or by the way they act? I would be a liar if I answer any of the above. I don't know what is religion to you, and I can't judge how it should be. Even atheists would tell you that if you can find that 'peace' you're looking for in life with religion then keep it. Maybe to some religion is a comfort zone, it is the shell they hide under, and to some it is the love and positivity they need to go on every day in the sophisticated life we live in. That's why I want to focus on religion. I want to know different answers. I want to seek the right answers. I am a strong believer in religion and I want to know more. I am 28 and if one of those atheist friends of mine decides to enter a debate with me on religion, I would probably be puzzled by his answers and I know that I won't be able to answer half of them. Religion is easily felt and harder to be explained. I want to have the knowledge in my religion the same way as I have knowledge in football, music and movies. I want to be able to answer my son when he tells me why do we pray, and deliver a convincing answer to my daughter when she asks me why are women veiled and others with a niqab and the majority showing their hair. I want to have answers to those questions, and to many more. I don't want to be fake, or to fake what I do. I know that I could spend the coming time left in my life searching for the answers without finding them, but when I die, I would know that I have tried. And that, I did exert the effort in trying.

4- Nothing is better than personal growth. Nothing elevates the feeling of self satisfaction. Just like the satisfaction I get from losing weight; growing and nurturing your inner self is a lovable experience. To be in the state of sitting there alone with no regrets, no grudges, nothing. To actually look in the mirror and say, 'I am great.' To be humble yet confident. To be knowledgeable yet a student. To be aware yet an explorer. To be right but not afraid to be mistaken.

5- I hate a lot of things. I will not be able to change the things I hate in people, nor will I try to because I wouldn't like it if someone tries to change anything in me, but I am only going to see the good side in people. I am not going to put myself in a situation to deal with people where I might not be fond of them or that will make me look for reasons not to hang with them. I see a lot of negativity and hatred and pessimism and attack and jealousy and envy in the people I deal with, whether face to face, whether on the internet, it's everywhere. I've always been a criticiser, and opinionated, but lately I am minding my own business. I don't like many things what people say, or many of the things they write. I am shocked at the number of people with really sick mentalities. People who just criticise for the sake of being different or for the sake of attracting attention. People who just sit there not wanting to change, not wanting to become better people, not wanting to amend their lifestyles. Who am I anyway? Am I going to change the world? I have no right to change the people. I have no right to change the world. I don't even have the right to advise them or give them my opinion. I love myself, and I will continue to love myself, and find new ways to love myself more, and this way, I will be able to the good only in people, I am not longer going to see the bad in people, nor will I judge them, they're free to do what they want, write what they feel, befriend whoever they want, etc. I am going to do what I want, what I feel like, and go to places that fills me with joy, and happiness, and makes me content, I am not going to go hang around people just because I 'have to', or go to places just because 'my friends hang there'. If I don't want to go there, I won't go there. If I don't want to see you then I will not see you. I am not going to keep hindering my own progression to please other groups of people. I am going to do what I want, and what I feel is right. The perfect scenario is to go live abroad. I've been open to job offers for the past few years, especially from Dubai, and I never got something concrete, and never got something rewarding that would make me do the move. Lately, that's probably the only thing I want; as mentioned in point number one of the things I want; 'to change jobs' and I believe that getting a job offer abroad is the best thing that could happen to me, especially that I don't fit anymore here. As you probably have seen in my posts, the happiness within me is fading in this country, I no longer fit. I don't fit with most of my friends. I don't fit with the random people on the street, or the loudness and pollution this country is offering. I just only feel safe at home. I don't feel safe when I am out. I don't feel happy when I am out. A change to another country would do me the world of good. It's not that I want to meet new people, because I could do this here. I need a new start. A new life. I want to finish work and go home sit there, read, watch TV, sleep, or go out late at night to have a snack without anyone judging me. I don't want to have commitments to see people I don't want to see, or to do things I don't want to do, I don't want to leave the house and go to that place just because I know that my friends are there. I want to go down not knowing where I am going, but it's my heart that will carry me to that place. I want to be free, and no matter how free I am here, I am still stuck in a cage, with only one exit door, and that exit door, leads to the same places and the same faces that have been there all my life. I don't think that I am getting any offers soon though. It is becoming hard, and lately, most of the people I know who relocated there, actually had to search for job offers while they are there on vacation.

I will break free, one day I will, but till then, I am going to be freeing myself from all the dirt and stains in my life and focus on the current five things I really want. Maybe the moment to break free is delayed so that when it happens, I will not be desperate for it like someone who wants to turn the page, but instead, to colour the existing page I am already writing.