Kites Fly High

What Do We Want?

2011-11-23T11:44:00.005+02:00

I always ask myself that every morning.

What do I want?

Do we know what we want? Do we think we know what we want? Do we want what we want because we want it or because we think we should have it?

A friend of mine was chatting with me this morning and telling me that there is this girl whom he just met and thinks she is pretty interesting, and is asking me if he shall pursue it. I reminded him that he has a girlfriend, and this girlfriend has 'everything he ever wanted' according to him.

But apparently; yes, she does have everything he wants (she ticks all the right boxes) but he just can't love her. He keeps telling me how much he is trying to fall in love with her, and he just can't. He claims that she is too good for him. She doesn't 'play games'. His argument is that, all his life he was always attracted to the ones who are not easy to get whenever he is in the hunting game. But this girl, was too easy. Her only crime, is that she is a normal, simple, bubbly girl who likes him and is attracted to him. My friend doesn't want that. He wants someone to neglect his calls and ignore them on purpose. He wants someone who won't fall for him after a couple of dates. He wants someone who will not go the extra mile for him.

Do you think my friend is crazy? You probably do. But I don't. Why?

Because I've been there before. You probably have been too, but you just can't remember.

This gets us to the main question, 'What do you want?'

I believe every single one of us should get a piece of paper, and write down what he is looking for, and most importantly, why is he looking for it?

If you ask a group of single women between the age of 23 and 33, most of them will tell you, 'We want to get married.' Try asking them, 'Why do you want to get married?' and then you will be able to listen to a variety of different answers, and these answers are the ones they, should pay all the importance to it.

We might differ in our beliefs. But I believe each of us should work hard towards those beliefs. A week ago I was talking with a friend of mine who, clearly, is not very happy lately. She is 31. She is still single. She has it all. And when I say she has it all, I mean, 'she ticks all the boxes a lot of guys are looking for'. She was telling me how unhappy she is lately due to problems at work, family, etc. I told her to do something crazy and fun to get her confidence levels back. Something she didn't do before, or something she hasn't done for some time. I was going to give her examples, like going to a karaoke and sing her lungs out, or going to Lebanon for the weekend. But then I told her, 'Why don't you give the guy you like a call and take him out for dinner?' A part of me was being serious and a part of me was trying to cheer her up. I don't even know if she likes someone or not. Anyway, that's not the point, really. It was her reply that was very shocking, and took me a good few minutes to digest it before letting all the rage out. She replied by saying, 'That's a nice idea, but who will pay for the cheque?' I actually re-read her message again and again trying to understand what the hell she was trying to say, because I hoped it wouldn't be what I had in mind, and even though I am sure she meant what I feared, I still asked her, 'What do you mean, I don't get it?' and she said, 'If I take him out to dinner, who will pay for the dinner. Of course I won't pay for dinner, I don't pay for anyone.' I totally raged at her, accusing her of stupidity, and accusing anyone who thinks like that as stupid, and even told her that I am lucky enough that all my girlfriends didn't have her mentality, etc. I even asked her, how come, such an educated person, who is from the circle of the society and same social class I am from thinks like that? This girl is a good friend of mine, but I didn't know her much in the past, we started getting closer over the past year only. I don't know who she dated or how long her relationships lasted. I was sure before that conversation that this girl is not materialistic. I could have sworn on that. She actually got offended when I told her that she is sick and said that I am rude, and told me that she wants someone to take care of her and pamper her, not the opposite. I didn't take the conversation any further.

I hate guys who are stingy. I make fun of guys who are cheap and who make their girls pay. There is no divine saying that guys should pay, but this is a common trait, unspoken, in the world we live in, that we guys, should always pamper our girls. And most of us do that. Most of us pay all the time. But sometimes we don't have money. Sometimes we are broke, and we just stay home. Sometimes our girls just take us out and say, 'It's on me tonight'. If I am a girl, I would actually LOVE calling the guy I like and tell him to get ready because I am taking him out for dinner. I believe any girl in the world would love that. Regardless of the place they end up going to or the amount of money she will pay at the end, but the thought in itself is pure magic, and any guy would be fond and fall for it, just like girls fall for us whenever we do something cute. That girl wouldn't have done it anyway, because she is weak, and she is brought up believing that girls should never approach guys. She believes that when a guy takes a girl out on a date and drops her home, that the girl shouldn't send him a text saying she had fun, and the guy - after that great night that he planned, executed and paid for - should still send her telling her how beautiful and amazing she was.

This is a girl that I would never even date let alone marry. I don't know why that girl is still single, but I am pretty sure she will not find that 'prince charming' anytime soon.

She really pissed me off. Throughout all my life all the girls I dated, I always paid, not because anything but because I like to pamper them. And every now and then the girls wanted to pay, and I let them, to make them feel good about themselves. But those girls used to let me pay because I want to pay, not because they thought that I have to because I am the man. Had they ever talked about me paying because I am the man, and I HAVE to pay, then I would have ended this relationship on the spot.

I don't want to judge the girl, but back to our main topic, this girl knows what she wants. She wants someone to take care of her and pamper her, pays for her and never let worry about anything. Even if I disagree with her ideology but at least she knows what she wants, and maybe that's why she is 31 and still not committed. Maybe because all the guys she met, no matter how nice they are, but still they don't tick her boxes or meet her needs, and this is a girl I respect. If this girl ever ends up with someone 'with my mentality' then I will feel sorry for her, because deep inside she will not be happy. Maybe she will settle for 2nd best when she feels old and her friends are already with two and three babies. Maybe due to the pressure from her family. I don't know, but I hope she finds what she is looking for.

So, what do you want? And, why do you want it?

Let's try this exercise. If I am going to list some of the stuff I want, they will be:

1- I want to change jobs.
2- I want to lose weight.
3- I want to focus more on my religion.
4- I want to keep growing personally.
5- I want to find love, in me, around me, and in the people I deal with.

Now let's find out, why do I specifically want those five things?

1- I want to change jobs, because I don't feel that I am growing anymore. I am not making enough money. In a perfect world, I would never leave my job. I've been here for almost five years. I love the people here, it's like my 2nd home. People complain about the traffic, and they take hours going to work and more hours going back home, while it takes me a six minute walk, I live right in the same street. I love the field, and I am the most experienced and senior person in my department. But I feel that it's not getting me where I want to be. We all thrive for the best. We all want to be making more money. We all want to learn new things and find new challenges. I don't get the excitement I used to get anymore here. I need new things, and I need a fresh start, in the never-ending journey of the corporate life.

2- I want to lose weight, because I was happier when I was thinner. I was more mobile. I was more alert, and I was more punctual. It was easy while I am doing sports, whether it is football or squash, or whether it was walking; everything seemed easy. I am also becoming a health freak, not in the 'gay' sense, but lately, people with strong and perfect health are dying, getting cancer and getting all sorts of problems, and it is really funny, because the more fit you are the higher the chance for you to get sick, but I am not falling for that crap, and I actually believe that the fitter you are, the better you will be.

3- What is religion? Is religion just practicing, or is it learning and understanding? Is religion obedience or is it love? Should we label people as religious by the way they look, or by the way they act? I would be a liar if I answer any of the above. I don't know what is religion to you, and I can't judge how it should be. Even atheists would tell you that if you can find that 'peace' you're looking for in life with religion then keep it. Maybe to some religion is a comfort zone, it is the shell they hide under, and to some it is the love and positivity they need to go on every day in the sophisticated life we live in. That's why I want to focus on religion. I want to know different answers. I want to seek the right answers. I am a strong believer in religion and I want to know more. I am 28 and if one of those atheist friends of mine decides to enter a debate with me on religion, I would probably be puzzled by his answers and I know that I won't be able to answer half of them. Religion is easily felt and harder to be explained. I want to have the knowledge in my religion the same way as I have knowledge in football, music and movies. I want to be able to answer my son when he tells me why do we pray, and deliver a convincing answer to my daughter when she asks me why are women veiled and others with a niqab and the majority showing their hair. I want to have answers to those questions, and to many more. I don't want to be fake, or to fake what I do. I know that I could spend the coming time left in my life searching for the answers without finding them, but when I die, I would know that I have tried. And that, I did exert the effort in trying.

4- Nothing is better than personal growth. Nothing elevates the feeling of self satisfaction. Just like the satisfaction I get from losing weight; growing and nurturing your inner self is a lovable experience. To be in the state of sitting there alone with no regrets, no grudges, nothing. To actually look in the mirror and say, 'I am great.' To be humble yet confident. To be knowledgeable yet a student. To be aware yet an explorer. To be right but not afraid to be mistaken.

5- I hate a lot of things. I will not be able to change the things I hate in people, nor will I try to because I wouldn't like it if someone tries to change anything in me, but I am only going to see the good side in people. I am not going to put myself in a situation to deal with people where I might not be fond of them or that will make me look for reasons not to hang with them. I see a lot of negativity and hatred and pessimism and attack and jealousy and envy in the people I deal with, whether face to face, whether on the internet, it's everywhere. I've always been a criticiser, and opinionated, but lately I am minding my own business. I don't like many things what people say, or many of the things they write. I am shocked at the number of people with really sick mentalities. People who just criticise for the sake of being different or for the sake of attracting attention. People who just sit there not wanting to change, not wanting to become better people, not wanting to amend their lifestyles. Who am I anyway? Am I going to change the world? I have no right to change the people. I have no right to change the world. I don't even have the right to advise them or give them my opinion. I love myself, and I will continue to love myself, and find new ways to love myself more, and this way, I will be able to the good only in people, I am not longer going to see the bad in people, nor will I judge them, they're free to do what they want, write what they feel, befriend whoever they want, etc. I am going to do what I want, what I feel like, and go to places that fills me with joy, and happiness, and makes me content, I am not going to go hang around people just because I 'have to', or go to places just because 'my friends hang there'. If I don't want to go there, I won't go there. If I don't want to see you then I will not see you. I am not going to keep hindering my own progression to please other groups of people. I am going to do what I want, and what I feel is right. The perfect scenario is to go live abroad. I've been open to job offers for the past few years, especially from Dubai, and I never got something concrete, and never got something rewarding that would make me do the move. Lately, that's probably the only thing I want; as mentioned in point number one of the things I want; 'to change jobs' and I believe that getting a job offer abroad is the best thing that could happen to me, especially that I don't fit anymore here. As you probably have seen in my posts, the happiness within me is fading in this country, I no longer fit. I don't fit with most of my friends. I don't fit with the random people on the street, or the loudness and pollution this country is offering. I just only feel safe at home. I don't feel safe when I am out. I don't feel happy when I am out. A change to another country would do me the world of good. It's not that I want to meet new people, because I could do this here. I need a new start. A new life. I want to finish work and go home sit there, read, watch TV, sleep, or go out late at night to have a snack without anyone judging me. I don't want to have commitments to see people I don't want to see, or to do things I don't want to do, I don't want to leave the house and go to that place just because I know that my friends are there. I want to go down not knowing where I am going, but it's my heart that will carry me to that place. I want to be free, and no matter how free I am here, I am still stuck in a cage, with only one exit door, and that exit door, leads to the same places and the same faces that have been there all my life. I don't think that I am getting any offers soon though. It is becoming hard, and lately, most of the people I know who relocated there, actually had to search for job offers while they are there on vacation.

I will break free, one day I will, but till then, I am going to be freeing myself from all the dirt and stains in my life and focus on the current five things I really want. Maybe the moment to break free is delayed so that when it happens, I will not be desperate for it like someone who wants to turn the page, but instead, to colour the existing page I am already writing.

The Rise and Fall of the Only Zeek.

2011-11-09T14:42:00.009+02:00

I love Hitler. I loved studying him to be precise. I don't care about him as a person, or a leader, but I loved studying him back in school. I remember there was a book titled, 'The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich', which embodied his life, and hence, the title of this post, The Rise and Fall of the Only Zeek, because there is no first, second or third Zeek. I am only one.

This past month has been a roller-coaster ride. Actually, the whole year has been very intense really. During the process of the book, I didn't have the time to see a lot of people. I used to see my friends more or less once a week. I was more in an isolated cube. My friends were pissed off the fact that I was always 'busy'. No one knew I was working on the book. Even my family, I only told them when the book was about to hit the publishing house like 2 months ago.

Something major is happening in my life. I don't know what is it. But something major is taking place. I am not talking about the book. I am not talking about love. For all I know, I have been single for a long time now, more than I can remember. I just feel that my life is finally taking the shape it should be in. You know, each one of us is destined for something. Just like a football player who is currently playing for a local club, as a supporter, you know that this player is destined to end somewhere else, playing abroad in Europe's top clubs, or on the contrary, ending in a lower division in his country. I don't know what I am destined to or where will I be, but my life is never going to be the same again. I feel that I am going to enter a new challenge. I don't know if it will be here or abroad, but I do feel it in me. I don't know what type of challenge will it be. Maybe, and probably it will be work related. Maybe it will be life related. I don't know anything really, that's why I might not be making any sense.

I want to get away though. I am not into change, nor do I like it, but I can't see myself fitting here anymore. I love my country. I want to stay here. But nothing is working out, really. I love my job, but I am not getting paid enough. I believe in stability and family love, but how will I ever get married if I can barely go 15 days without finishing up my salary? Let alone, that I am not in love anymore. Speaking of love, I feel that there is a part of me that is lost. No more it is there. Maybe because of the numerous relationships I've been in and the one off's I had throughout my life, I don't know really know, but there is nothing that satisfies me. I don't know what I want. No, I actually know what I want, but I don't know if she exists. I am sure she exists. I am even sure we met, talked and could have even been in a relationship before. Maybe. I am sure that if I see her again I will hold on to her no matter what. I don't want to get in relationships now with people who are just 'good enough'. I am not looking for good enough. I am not looking for perfection either. The girl I will end up with will be perfect in my eyes, and that's enough, but how can I like someone who I don't even have the 'TO DIE FOR' thrill when I see her, just because she is good enough?

I am bitterly disappointed in a lot of things. A lot of people. A lot of places. The bar has been raised. When you're a manager, you don't actually think in the same way you used to as an executive. And when you're a director, it will totally feel different and so on. Well, this is how I feel with life. Every passing day, the bar gets raised, and I am no longer satisfied with things that would have satisfied me the day before, and so on. If you have been reading my blog over the year (and I am sure only a few are), you would relate in a way to my pessimistic tone when it comes to disappointment. I am a very optimistic person. Actually I have never met a more optimistic bubbly person than myself. That's a fact. I love life. I love to smile. I live to smile. I enjoy laughing, and I make the world shine on the people around me. This is not the case anymore. My friends are no longer my friends. My best friends are no longer my best friends. Even the stranger do not feel strange anymore. Throughout all my writings, I've also stressed on the importance of my circle of friends. My love for and to them. I always referred to us as ONE. How the importance of the manhood and the man-pact we have. The decline of that empire started taking place a little bit over 3 years ago. And now, it's crumbling.

I have lots of friends, but there are 15 who are really close to my heart, and they are the ones who I would refer to as 'best friend', each in his own way. I am talking about the guys (males). Not all the 15 sit with each other. Actually not all of them even like one another, and that's why, they are divided into 4 groups. Yes, four different groups! One group in particular, is closer to me than the rest of the other 3, because they more or less play in the same circle of life I am in, share the same interests and hobbies. In the past 2 years, my interests and hobbies changed, yet, I still used to favour that group on the rest. They are the first ones who I contact when I decide to go down. They are the first group of people I check their availability before I check with the other groups, because, as mentioned above, the groups don't like each other. When I used to smoke shisha, I was available all the time. I was always available. I used to connect the four different groups together, because I am the focal point in all. After I quit. I stopped going down every day. I have different interests now, and I have a different vision to life, and that's why the four groups cemented their separation. They actually were happy they no longer have to associate with the others. BUT. They missed me. Each group, wanted to see me, daily, and they had all the right in the world, because they love me; but, this doesn't mean that I have to see them every day, does it? They should understand my priorities, and they should understand what's happening in my life, they should understand the change. No offense, but none of my friends lost one of his parents. None of my friends quit smoking, and smoking here is not an activity, it was a lifestyle form and the only thing that I did for the past 14 years of my life, before even knowing many of them. My friends didn't even welcome that change I was in. They didn't try to understand, and even when they did, they still felt selfish. I will never ask them to be in my shoes, because this is not a movie you are going to enter and come out after three hours and say if you like it or not. I can understand my friends' rage and disappointment had I decided to abandon them and stick with one circle of friends from the four, or even decide to have a new group of friends with new hobbies or interests, but this is not the case, and it never have been. Whenever I decide to go out, my friends are the first people I contact, the first ones I thrive to see, and the only people I actually want to see.

I am disappointed. None of my friends knew I was writing a book. Hell, not even my family knew. I only involved two people from those 15, in order to write me a foreword, and the reasons behind picking those two was not out of anything but the fact that that they fit the criteria I was looking for, as I was trying to get different sorts of people (i.e. current smokers, ex smokers, etc.) - and even those two people found out right before I publish the book, so they were not even involved in anything.

Yet, I sensed that my friends got disappointed when they found out I published a book. I didn't see the joy in their faces, or their happiness when they found out about it after I told them. To me, writing a book was probably the most important thing I ever did in my life, and they know quite well that this is not something I usually do (it's not my 10th book, it's my first!) and they know how important this is for me, and I didn't see the excitement, or in other words, didn't feel it. Some of my friends are dying to get married, and some are dying to get out of the country, and some are dying to find a right job, and if any of them come and tell me that he is going to get married - and I know how important this is to him - then hell yeah I am going to be the happiest man in the world, because, one of my friends aka BROTHER is getting his number wish accomplished.

The book has been out for almost a month, and very few people from the 15 bought the book. I got comments by some of them that the only bookshop selling it is far, and they will wait till it is somewhere near. Can you imagine? If a friend of mine invites me to his wedding on the other side of town, will I go or will I not go? We all ditch weddings of people we are not close to, but we will all go to and even travel to weddings of our close and best friends. And that's why most of the 15 people came to my engagement two years ago when it was held in another city (and the ones who couldn't make it were abroad on business). Some of those people even came from abroad where they live to attend my 5 to 6 hour engagement and return back, paying a huge cost of money. Had I released this book two years ago, all of my friends would have bought it on the day of release. The same exact hour. Because back then, they considered me 'one of them'. But now, they don't. To them now, I am just an extra.

I am not directing my words or thoughts to all my 15 brothers, because very few of them proved to me how much I mean to them. Some might say, 'Are you stupid, do you base a friendship on your book purchase?' - and no, I am not stupid enough to do that, even though if I decide to, no one can blame me, but I took a moment back and looked at the wide picture. Those people who actually bought the book are those people who call me because they love me, not because they want a favour. Those people are the same ones who never attacked me when I decided to have my time alone (more or less), and always defended me, those people are the ones who have been with me through thick and thin, who will call me up whenever there is a new girl they met, and even if they haven't seen me for weeks, they will call me up to tell me about it and take my opinion.

You know what's sad? What's sad is that some of those people are people that lately, in the past five years, I haven't been that 'amazing' friend in return. I used to always favour a certain group of people over them, due to my comfort zone and due to the fact that they share more interests with me than the others. And in spite all that, the people I drifted away from didn't treat me differently even though they had all the right to do so. I feel ashamed. I feel pathetic. Really. Last week I was very busy with one of my closest friends ever due to his father's death. A guy who grew up with me and was one day the closest person to me for quite a long time in my life. That guy is included in the list of 15 because of the longevity not because of closeness, because that guy I have seen him only three times in the past five years (one of them was by coincidence in the street). Throughout the last week only I saw him more than three times. This guy was inseparable in my life from 1993 till 2000. He used to be with me daily, he considered my family as his and vice versa. His father may he RIP was like a father to me. He used to depend on me taking care of his son. My friend decided in 2000 that he wants to live another life, a loud life, a partying life, which didn't fit in with mine, and so from 2000 till 2004 we only used to see one another once every other month. We missed each other, but we understood that our lives are different. In the past six years my friend went through a lot of problems, mentally and medically. He suffered a lot of traumas and been into a car accident, and during this time he's been home, rarely going out, on medications, and he gained tremendous amounts of weight (he was the thinnest guy I ever knew).

Throughout last week, I've been doing a lot of thinking while I've been busy with my friend.

I feel more ashamed and more pathetic. How the hell did I leave my friend alone throughout all those years? I knew his fake friends didn't ask about him, and the blame goes out to his original friends, which are me and a couple of other people who were all together from school. The others are living abroad, and they only come here once or twice a year. How didn't I have time for him? A part of me is in denial because I used to check on him through his sister and his father. Another part of me was in the comfort zone, sitting with my other friends. My other friends who didn't even go buy my first book because they are lazy to drive to Nasr City (put in mind that the book is now everywhere, and they still didn't buy it. Put in mind that we had a week long Eid vacation and the streets were empty and they still didn't buy it. Put in mind that many other people who are not even close to me bought it). One of my very good friends, who is not in the list of 15 brothers is the famous actor, Sherif Ramzy. I remember when his first movie was out. We all went to see it the same day it was out. I remember him being pissed off at the people who didn't go watch it on the first day, and when I used to tell him that they will definitely go tomorrow or the day after, he told me that I will never understand how important this is to him. And guess what, now I know, and now I relate to it, and now I feel it. Especially when people I don't know well bought the book, read it, and even sent me their opinion, yet, my friends, the people I picked out of the rest of the entire world to be my friends, still didn't even buy it. Sherif Ramzy acted in a lot of movies. I was there on the first day of the release of the first four movies at least. After that I used to wait a week and go, and his last movie which was released a few months back, I didn't even see it. That's why I said at the beginning that I would have understood my friends' response had this been my 10th book, or even my 3rd or 4th, but no way in hell I thought about the fact that they won't go buy my first, and probably last book).

I am very sorry. This 'Sorry' goes out to my friend. It goes out to all the people, from the 15, and anyone who I didn't treat right, to anyone who didn't get the same treatment and attitude I shared with others. I am going to make amends, and I am now going to show you who the real Zeek is. The old Zeek. The Zeek who was there for everyone. I am sorry I favoured people over you, and I am sorry I was a bad friend. I hope it's never too late. I know you love me inside of you, and I am sure I will win you back.

I started writing this about two weeks ago, and I stopped midway, due to the fact that I was very busy with my friend. My friend's father passed away on the 13th of November. That's why the date of the post will be 9th of November even though we are now the 21st. Just mentioning that in case the sequence of events and writings not making sense due to the date, so in order for you to understand.

The reason I decided to post this now, is that because the country is in chaos, and I don't know if there will be access to the internet in the coming few days or if we will come to work, no one knows what will happen. I am going to leave work now, go home, have a nice meal, and I am heading to Tahrir, even though I am not the biggest fan of what has been happening by the people throughout the past 6 months, but I feel pathetic that people are dying and being shot and this is a time that all of us should be down there helping, just like we did on the 28th of January.

Excuse me if this post might have been offensive to you (I am sure it shouldn't be anyway) and if there are typos or things that didn't make sense, I just don't have time to revise.

Stay safe.

It's time to go save the world. :)

Sorry, I don't Smoke.

2011-10-19T16:33:00.001+02:00

Finally!!!!

Wifey.

2011-10-08T05:51:00.011+02:00

I want a girl who will wake me up when Fagr calls to pray with her. I want a girl who will teach me how to cook. I want a girl who will only curse when we're in bed. I want a girl who's not into politics. I want a girl who will leave me a note in the morning on the refrigerator which says, 'I love you'. I want a girl who will wake me up in the middle of the night to check if I'm alive or not even if I am already snoring. I want a girl who prays not because she has to but because she loves to. I want a girl who will elevate and lift me up spiritually and emotionally. I want a girl who will go book shopping with me. I want a girl who loves playing the music loud in the car and singing out loud. I want a girl who won't necessarily share the same music taste, but she must know my favourite songs and albums. I want a girl who despise smoking and drinking. I want a girl who will postpone going to a movie from 6 to 9 because she knows Maghrib will call during the movie and she won't be able to pray, so instead she will go from 9 to 12. I want a girl who opens the Quran to read not only in Ramadan, but on daily basis, and she does that because she wants to, and if she doesn't then she will feel something is missing throughout her day. I want a girl who won't spend 12 hours working like a maniac for five days a week. I want a girl who's not tempered. I want a girl who will kiss me every single time we get in an elevator. I want a girl who will always smell nice. I want a girl who appreciates her family in order to understand my relationship with my very own. I want a girl who will never ever feel the urge to smoke or drink. I want a girl who will find people different than us, as, different. I want a girl who will encourage me to write. I want a girl who will treat me every once in a while with a holiday, all expenses covered by her side. I want a girl who will raise our kids better than how both of us were raised. I want a girl who will get down on me and give me the greatest blow jobs and then swallows. I want a girl who will cry if things between us go wrong. I want a girl who will not go out on weekends and New Year's if I am sick and would rather spend them with me. I want a girl who will shut my phone off the moment I enter the house so I can be hers and only hers alone. I want a girl who will not let me stop spending on things I like, yet, will always take note and advise me if things go wrong. I want a girl who will tie me to bed and do whatever she wants with me. I want a girl who will have the whole weekend planned prior, but, on the following weekend, she won't have a clue on what will happen. I want a girl who will love my family. I want a girl who will do her best to make me love her family. I want a girl who fears the dark. I want a girl who is loved by all her friends. I want a girl who will watch seven straight movies for Jim Carrey with me, and then beg me to watch them again. I want a girl with great ethics. I want a girl who always found it shocking how can people break their fast during Ramadan. I want a girl who will always be happy and excited with what I do even if she had been/done/seen that before. I want a girl who had lost someone close to her so she can understand how I miss my father. I want a girl who speaks perfect Arabic & English, and is willing to learn French at some point in life, even if she never did, but at least the intention is(was) there. I want a girl who will display her feelings. I want a girl who will teach our kids how to recite the Quran from a little age. I want a girl who at any party/wedding will get with me on the dance floor to groove together. I want a girl who will take me to yoga classes. I want a girl who will take care of her looks and figure, all the time. I want a girl who enjoys going to the movies. I want a girl who will get goosebumps every time I kiss her neck. I want a girl who enjoys spending time alone. I want a girl who doesn't run around all the time. I want a girl who sleeps early at night. I want a girl who, if asked on what she really wants to accomplish, 'To learn, recite and know the Quran by heart,' her reply would be. I want a girl who will take me to the opera today, and tomorrow, take me to the circus. I want a girl who will find it courageous if I cried my eyes out to her at one point in time. I want a girl who will not be ashamed to help me when I need help (emotionally, financially or even physically). I want a girl who will remind me to call that friend of hers whom I hate and wish her a Happy Birthday. I want a girl who will go bowling with me. I want a girl who believes in happy endings. I want a girl who, regardless of what she does, knows deep inside that she is a woman. I want a girl who is always trying to be a better person. I want a girl who will only reveal her legs and cleavage at home. I want a girl who doesn't argue with waiters at restaurants. I want a girl who won't fight with drivers passing by. I want a girl who never uses a car horn unless she really needs to. I want a girl who will be happy naming our kids after my parents. I want a girl who will take naps with me on Fridays. I want a girl who will sleep on the right side of the bed. I want a girl who will revel in her work. I want a girl who has passions and is enthusiastic about her passions. I want a girl who will be a great listener, and a greater mentor. I want a girl who will not want to do anal sex because it is forbidden not because she is scared it might hurt her. I want a girl who will call me when I am out with the guys just to tell me she misses me already. I want a girl who will give me my space and invade it beautifully. I want a girl who is driven positively by the power of religion. I want a girl who sees religion as beautiful, and embracing it, is even more beautiful. I want a girl who speaks her mind out. I want a girl who is not afraid to laugh out loud in the middle of a crowded place. I want a girl who will not necessarily speak my language, but will understand it.

I want a girl who will read this...smile...and will then wonder, 'Is it me he's looking for?'

Arrest this Man. He Talks in Maths.

2011-04-30T22:38:00.001+02:00

I am going to time my clock and see what each alphabet will remind me of. One minute only for each letter. Let's-a-gooooo.

A is for:
1. Aeropostale
2. Alice Cooper
3. Apples
4. Amir Azmy Megahed
5. Ahmed Barada
6. Anton Ferdinand
7. Alicia Silverstone
8. Ashton Kutsher
9. Australia
10. Antiques
11. Andorra
12. Andy from Child's Play

B is for:
1. Bambie
2. Bjork
3. Butter Cup
4. Bus
5. Bingo
6. Boxing
7. Bundy
8. Big Mommas House
9. Boris Becker
10. Bye Bye
11. Buck
12. Bush
13. Biso

C is for:
1. Cat
2. Crayon
3. Cancun
4. Cola
5. Christianity
6. Cell
7. Cellular the movie

D is for:
1. Donald Duck
2. Doll
3. Daffy Duck
4. Disco 2000
5. D.I.S.C.O
6. Doritos
7. Dishwasher
8. Danny Murphy
9. Dahlia
10. Discus
11. Dumbo

E is for:
1. E.T.
2. Elf
3. Emanoz
4. Eritrea
5. El Alsson
6. Escalate
7. Entrance
8. Edwin Van Der Sar
9. Elijah Wood
10. E-Commerce
11. Esmat

F is for:
1. Farting
2. Freelancing
3. Food
4. Foda
5. Finger
6. Fido Dido
7. Figo
8. Fossil
9. Fuel
10. Fire
11. Farah
12. Farid
13. Fountain
14. Foundation
15. Fifi Abdou
16. Fayrouz

G is for:
1. Gia
2. Gio
3. Gangsta's Paradise
4. Germany
5. Galal Allam
6. Gougy
7. Guns
8. Green Day
9. Goofy
10. Girls
11. Gays

H is for:
1. Honey
2. Hany
3. Harry
4. Hooray
5. Help
6. Hassle
7. Hareedy
8. High Heels
9. Hosny Abd Rabbo
10. Hamid El Shaery
11. Hurry Up
12. Harry's Café
13. Habiba
14. Hadeer
15. Heba
16. Hazem

I is for:
1. Ihab Tawfik
2. Inas El Degheidy
3. Iris
4. In
5. Iliad and the Odyssey
6. Ink
7. I of the mourning

J is for:
1. Jar
2. Jamming
3. Jojo
4. Johnny
5. Jacks
6. Jelly
7. Jellybeans
8. Jacques Chirac
9. Jad Choeiry
10. Johnny Carinos
11. JFK

K is for:
1. Karim
2. Kent
3. K-9
4. K-Bone
5. Kaz
6. Kamel
7. Kandeel
8. Kill
9. Kris Kros
10. KFC
11. Kay Abou Samra

L is for:
1. Lucas Neill
2. Love
3. L'Amour
4. London
5. Lloyz
6. Layla
7. Louz
8. Lucky
9. Lleyton Hewitt
10. Lars Ulrich
11. Locker
12. Lamb
13. Lobster
14. Lyrics
15. Lily

M is for:
1. MJ
2. Money
3. Mr. Wendel
4. Mickey
5. Mojo
6. M.U.S.T
7. Metallica
8. Megadeth
9. Mounir
10. Mayada El Hennawy
11. Marisa Tomei
12. Madiha
13. Mammy

N is for:
1. Nachos
2. Nandos
3. Nelly Furtado
4. Nas
5. Nat King Cole
6. Nemesis
7. Neon
8. Nepal
9. Nell
10. Nihal
11. Nishikawa
12. Negm

O is for:
1. Octopus
2. O'Neill
3. Oman
4. Oink
5. Omar
6. Ontario
7. Oasis
8. Oak
9. Orange
10. Okay
11. Olaf Thon

P is for:
1. Pappy
2. Pizza Pino
3. Pizza Hut
4. Polaris
5. Polar Bear
6. Penguin
7. Pacman
8. Panda
9. Paul Scholes
10. Peter Beardsley
11. Punk
12. Pink Floyd
13. Police
14. Prada
15. Paris

Q is for:
1. Quack
2. Qualm
3. Que
4. Quake
5. Qatar
6. Qualm
7. Queen Park Rangers

R is for:
1. Ralph Lauren
2. Rangers
3. Rothmans
4. Rolls-Royce
5. Rico
6. Rockey
7. Rambo
8. Ramy Hodroj
9. Rotana
10. RIM
11. Ring
12. Ram
13. Rango
14. Rickets

S is for:
1. Sherif
2. Soheir
3. Sam Allardyce
4. Sarah
5. Sony
6. Sanyo
7. Smashing Pumpkins
8. Sonic Youth
9. Sonic The Hedgehog
10. Santa Claus
11. Sonata
12. Santana
13. Swim
14. Solitude
15. Sequence

T is for:
1. Titus Bramble
2. Tania
3. Tony
4. Tamara
5. Tommy
6. Twinkle
7. Twilight
8. Tonight
9. Tomorrow
10. Today
11. Twins
12. Top
13. Tango
14. Teller
15. Tin Tin

U is for:
1. Uganda
2. Ulver
3. United
4. Unity
5. Uniball
6. Umbro

V is for:
1. Vendetta
2. Volleyball
3. Virus
4. Venom
5. Veal
6. Vase
7. Varney
8. Velo
8. Voice
9. Valet
10. Vivian
11. Vicious
12. Vamos
13. Vow
14. Vis-a-vis

W is for:
1. Wael
2. Willy
3. William
4. Waldo
5. Wanted
6. Waka Waka
7. Wanis
8. Walrus
9. Warrior
10. Wassim
11. Wagamama
12. Willow
13. Wes Brown

X is for:
1. X-Men
2. Xena
3. XS
4. XS Black
5. Xis
6. XOXO
7. Xtacy

Y is for:
1. Yasmine
2. Yellow
3. Yemen
4. Yamen
5. Yulia
6. Yolanda
7. Yaris
8. Younis
9. Youssef
10. Yankees
11. You
12. Yourself

Z is for:
1. Zaki
2. Zeek
3. Zoo
4. Zoolander
5. Zelda
6. Zero
7. Zebra
8. Zone
9. Zonal Marking
10. Zeus
11. Zorba

That was fun!

Like an Injured Lion...I Still Want to Roar.

2011-03-06T22:47:00.007+02:00

I am really busy these days. I am going to be even busier later this month and the one that follows to say the least. The only reason I am here is just that I am trying to commit to my previous post in which I stated that I will blog at least once a month.

I am working on something. Hopefully one day I will talk about it. After all, this blog is about my life. The only reason I started blogging was to talk about my life, and the empty dreams of Egyptians.

On another note, I am 28. :)

Proud and thankful as always;
Zeek.

2011 - Let's-a-gooooo.

2011-02-16T13:30:00.019+02:00

I am not a believer in New Year's Resolutions. I am, though, a believer of becoming a better person.

I am a believer that you need to always do a checklist of:

What's annoying you in life?
What do you want to do about it?
How will you do it?
Have a deadline/plan to do it
What do you want to fulfill in life?
How will you achieve it?
Have a deadline/plan to do it

This is like a homework that people need to exercise often, not only on annual basis. Yet I admire the people who at least take time out every year in December and look back at how the year turned out; at least they are better than those who are just sitting there doing nothing.

I am just only against the term 'New Year's Resolutions'. A year is twelve months and A LOT of stuff take place during such time span, thus, people should maybe take the time out on quarter basis, every three months to see where they stand. You can have long term goals, but to sit every three months and assess yourself is definitely better than just confronting yourself once a year.

Our problem is that we're becoming careless every passing day. No self discipline. You grow up and you feel the power pumping up your veins. No one to tell you what's wrong from right, because you assume you know it all. No deadlines to submit your homework, no curfews to come home. Not afraid to lie to your parents and get grounded. No poems to write to them anymore so they can allow you to go out and give you money to buy a new toy. You have your own phone. You have your own laptop. You have your own car. You have your own bank account. You are not controlled anymore. You have power, and when given power, human beings are unstoppable.

It amazes me how many things we all want to do and we end up doing nothing. We always need motivation. This is also an important aspect in the day-to-day life; motivation. You need it to get out of bed. You need it to remind yourself not to eat ice cream when you're on a diet. You need it to stop something you want to stop. You need it to start something you wish to continue. And more importantly you need it to carry you throughout those missions every passing day. If you stop yourself from eating that ice cream today, will you stop tomorrow? Will you stop next week, month or year? It's an ongoing battle. You need motivation to believe in yourself.

Don't be lazy.

People reading this might think I have it all figured out, but I don't. I, myself, like any of you, is trying to find his way, but at least I am trying. I am a tough critic, and that's the way it will always be. I will always try to seek happiness and fulfillment of the soul.

I am going to do my resolutions (already started) and I will do my best to accomplish what I want. I am not going to stop trying. I've always said I want to do things, but I never really did a considerable amount of effort to achieve them. It all changed last year, when I quit smoking. I realised I've been living all my life in a prison cell and there's plenty of life to look forward to. The decision to quit smoking was easy. The day-to-day life after that could have been very hard, or very easy; it all depended on how I approached life. I made sure to make it easy, and I did. I will always be proud of myself from being able to refrain from smoking and discovering that it was all an illusion. If I'm ever asked to pick one achievement I've done, then it will definitely be quitting smoking. I could talk a lot about smoking including my mind battle in which I suffered a lot at first before discovering how much of a fool I was, yet, this post isn't about smoking, so back to the main point, resolutions.

Last year, I managed to:

- Quit Smoking
- Start taking guitar lessons
- Get back to practicing squash
- Study for a career diploma
- Make peace with people I've lost

This year, I want to:

Do Umrah
Become a non-smoking advocate
Manage to play at least 1 full song on guitar by the end of the year
Practice squash at least once a week
Commit to writing at least one post per month on the blog
See a dermatologist for my face pimples if they don't disappear by June
Clean my room sometime this year - I have stuff that I need to put away, and they have been sitting there for around four years. My mom complains every day
Sleep before 2 am on weekdays
Start yoga
Study, read and recite the Quran along with Islamic books (Seera & Fiqh)
Lose weight (Reach 75 KG) - I am somewhere in my 90's now
Resume physiotherapy on my leg
Help people
Buy a car
Save money
Take my family on a nice trip (possibly to a place we've never been before)
Do a daily 5 minute work-out session
Manage my time better
Read a new book every month
Stop entering meaningless debates

There is nothing else I want to add right now, but I am sure plenty of stuff will flood into my mind throughout the year. I am going to have this list with me and will definitely sit regularly and see where do I stand.

Good luck to all the people out there trying to accomplish things.

Here's a toast; to a better year.

Dad, Where Are You?

2011-01-06T23:34:00.003+02:00

I can't call you on the phone. I can't knock on your door. When I do there is no answer. No matter how loud I scream you can't respond. If I ever have children, they will never know you; how funny you were, how generous you were, how there was nothing that could stop you from giving us everything we needed and wanted. You won't be there to walk your daughter down the aisle. You won't be there to watch football with your sons. You won't be there to witness your grand daughters growing up and getting chased by boys. You won't be there to comfort us as life push us down. You won't be there to plan our future. You won't be there when Egypt gets a new President. You won't be there tomorrow or the days after. I wish Heaven had a phone so I could hear your voice again. I thought of you today, but this is nothing new. I thought about you yesterday and days before that too. I think of you in silence, I often speak your name. All I have are memories and your picture in a frame. Your memory is a keepsake from which I'll never part. God Has you in His Arms, I have you in my heart.

Today we all mourn one year since you left this world. We were all there praying for you. It was beautiful. We felt your presence. We always do wherever we are whenever we go.

I love you Pappy.

An Interview with My Favourite Person.

2010-10-06T13:07:00.022+02:00

It has been so long since we last talked; we have been on and off throughout our lives, we never agreed on everything, and even when we did, we still disagreed on how to agree. We stopped talking for years. Blamed one another for our faults. Delved into mystic sages and drowned in a world of sins. Maybe if time goes back I wouldn't have met that person, or then again, maybe if time did go back, I would still be friends. I don't know, but all I know is that no matter what happens between us we will always be special, and I will always consider him as my greatest companion. And I am quite positive he would say the same about me. I met him today, and we talked a lot. We always do when we meet. It was an open chat, as it always gets with us. The dialogue was in the form of an interview; we got used to that, it works best for us. I will name him Zero.

Warning: The following contains material that might not be your cup of tea. But then again, you wouldn't be on this blog if it wasn't. Still, you have been warned.

Zero: So this is it?

Zeek: What?

Zero: Life.

Zeek: What's wrong with life?

Zero: What's wrong? You kidding me! Tell me what's good about life! We wake up every day go to our silly jobs and get paid peanuts, we get sick, our friends get into accidents and the next morning we bury them, everything around us changes, and then you come and tell me what's wrong with life?

Zeek: Why all the rage? This has been the situation since our ancestors, since Adam and Eve, did you just realise that?

Zero: Yes! Believe it or not yes! When we were kids we never thought any of this would happen to us. Remember back in school when we used to enjoy our time like never before? Remember how girls looked up to us? Remember when we used to play sports for hours and never got tired? Remember when we first started smoking and thought we have entered the forbidden kingdom. Ok I will make it easier to you; tell me the best year/summer of your life during your teens, which year was it?

Zeek: Definitely school year 97/98 as a whole and that summer of 1998. This year was incredible by all means. I felt like I owned the world, I was 15 and I had it all. Literally, I had it all.

Zero: Great, tell me why it was great. What exactly edged it over every other year in the 27 years you've survived so far?

Zeek: Ok, I will list them in points, as you know me I like analysis:

1- I reached the ideal weight I've been working towards for the previous 2 years.
2- Yes I had dated before and was even asked out by girls, but this time I got asked out by the girls whom I wanted to be asked out by, not just anyone.
3- I enjoyed my summer shopping; I set the trend with my clothes back then.
4- I was in my last year in school, and damn, nothing feels better than being a Senior.
5- I had different girls who were best friends hitting on me, and it felt superior to actually select and filter.
6- I used to go to places and know for a fact that I am being noticed, and that girls wanted every piece of me.
7- I was acting in a perfect play at school and I loved the theatre back then.
8- I had been smoking for 2 years so I was some kind of a master with the shisha and in the outings, it was me who gave out the advice.
9- We started clubbing and it felt good to shake that dance floor.
10- I always felt special being the only sober one in parties.
11- I was playing sports like crazy. I was captain of my football team, was a splendid squash player and a unique runner/swimmer.
12- I was introduced to the world of wows. There's nothing, and I mean nothing as tasteful as the female nectar. Do you know how does it feel to be the only one between my friends who had any experience with women? While my friends and most of the people my age back then were touching themselves and masturbating like maniacs, I was getting kissed for fun and since I was the only kid in the world who haven't tried masturbating since I passed puberty, NOT EVEN ONCE, that alone made me king of that world we were living in.
13- I was dating 2 girls at the same time! Can you believe how perfect life was? And too add to my mastery, the 2nd girl knew of my original girlfriend, and because she wanted to be associated with me she didn't even mind being second fiddle.

To sum it up, I had the hots, the fame, the great friends, I couldn't ask for anything else. Each one in the world desires stuff and can't get them, but what more could I possibly want? I got everything I never even thought they would exist.

Zero: I remember those days quite well my friend :) nice to bring back all those memories. But can you see; all of the points you listed were more or less revolving around girls and the female/dating side in your life, and that's normal, because what would a 15 year old kid wish for? Back to our topic, so did you expect your life now 12 years after to turn like that? If all these things brought you happiness why are you not doing them anymore?

Zeek: I don't get you. What exactly are you pointing to?

Zero: You never had big dreams, but you always had it one step ahead. You did everything back then before us, and you weren't one of us - the flock - but look at you now? You are no different than any of us.

Zeek: Care to elaborate?

Zero: Is this your ideal weight? Is this daily life you're living satisfying you? Are you happy with your work? Do you make enough money as you thought you would be making? I am sure you even dated girls you never even would have considered back then - can't you see all that?

At this moment in time, I actually had no words to reply with, and I had this quiet look when I told him to continue without even using my voice

Zero continuing: I am not happy about my life and I know for a fact that you are not happy with yours. We're living in a fickle world which we never belonged to in the first place. Had we known life would treat us like that then we wouldn't have approached it that way. When we were kids we never cared for tomorrow because we were brought up not to. We had it easy back then. We had it all. We were judged by our character and sense of humor. We were judged by our abilities, whether they are academic, social or even sexual. We were kings of our domain, and we shone like the sun on a winter's day beaming with love and warmth to every one around. Look at us now:

1- We are useless human beings; all of our ex's got married with babies that we could have been fathers to.
2- You and I both want to get married, yet we are not the type who will just get married on the spot, we need to get to know the girl well and not rush it. And the funny thing is that girls now suddenly stopped 'dating'. They just want to get married. What is possibly wrong if you are 27 and you date a girl your age for a year or two then take it a step further and get engaged? Why do girls who passed the age 25 are in a marathon to get married? Why is it OK for a girl to be dating before she graduates, yet it is absolutely unacceptable if she is employed? And you know what's even more hypocritical? That this girl in university could actually date someone her age, but if you are the one who is interested with an age difference of 5+ years, then she will tell you to come meet her parents.
3- We want to sin but we stop ourselves from sinning because both of us are strong believers in our religion. We want to live the right way. We don't want to walk on egg shells. We'd rather be frustrated than sinning. I am like you, was never a fan of drugs/alcohol, but you know me, how much I LOVE that female nectar, and really in a perfect world I would have got physical with every girl I come across. Our problem is that we never ever thought that what we did when we were kids was actually something wrong or a sin as we know now. I block my eyesight from looking at girls under the umbrella of religion. I look aside when there's a porn scene in a movie under the umbrella of religion. I stop myself from doing a lot of things I want because of religion. I am not sad about that, I am happy and I believe that the rewards will be bigger, but what's saddening me is that I was allowed to break through those chains and taste the banned fruits when I was a kid. We could have been born in Heaven if Adam & Eve didn't eat from the tree. They sinned inspite knowing what they did was wrong. We sinned not knowing what's right and what's wrong. We sinned because we thought we had to do this to be proper men. If we were allowed to visit Heaven once in our life, in our dreams, we will wake up in shock, and automatically hate our lives, and try to sleep as much as we can after that to be offered another chance of dreaming of Heaven. Females are heaven on earth.

Zeek: Females are not heaven on earth.

Zero: Hell yes they are. Tell me one thing you want right now? We both quit smoking and we know how life is beautiful without smoking. We don't miss smoking because if you go back in time, we shouldn't have smoked in the first place. Some people refer to smoking, drugs, alcohol, and even football as heaven on earth, but how would you enjoy any of them if you haven't even tried it? When we first started smoking, it tasted awful, we were coughing and spitting and didn't even know what was this all about! We didn't love it afterward, but it was the nicotine in our blood, and that's where all the cravings came from, and that's why for years and years we thought we love it and we can't live without it, but instead we were just prisoners, and that's why when we are free now, we don't long for it, and we look back and wonder how stupid we were. The same goes for drugs. You get used to it, it controls you. Alcohol is even worse than all that because you drink something that doesn't even taste right. Can you bring me anyone who liked the taste of alcohol when they first tried it, no matter if it had been mixed with coke, pineapple or coconut. Can you? As for football, then it is relative, there are millions like us who are crazy passionate about football more than anything in the world, but we have seen others who cannot even bare to spend 90 minutes in front of TV watching a game, and they are interested in other sports instead. But when it come to girls, the first time you touch a girl's hand you will feel enchanted. The first hug would take you to wonderland, and your first kiss will make you gaze with your eyes wide open inspite the girl's eyes are wide shut, but you will have yours open so you can double check that you are finally kissing someone. It will make you dream away in space. Even before we reach puberty age we feel something towards girls. I remember my first year in school and that girl with a red ponytail that I liked and used to go home and tell my parents about. I remember on my 6th birthday at the club when I danced slow with another girl whom I liked. I remember when I was a kid and I ran to kiss that girl on the cheek after the break bells rang and stormed as fast as I could, etc... Our love to girls and to that female nectar is in our DNA. We just can't live without them. There is no happiness in the world that could be derived elsewhere. You can quit smoking and live your life forever happily and same goes for all sorts of drugs. From your morning coffee to the underwear you are used to wear, but you can never ever go on without women. And those who don't get married, end up with one night stands every now and then, watch porn, masturbate, and be sure that every night they go to bed alone, they will wonder: 'when will I have someone next to me?'

Zeek: Ok you do have a point. I definitely won't argue with you, but I still believe that there is life beyond women.

Zero: Who said there is no life beyond women. There is family, friends, work, football, and all sorts of other things that are still 'good' in life. But these are all ingredients that you have to mix in the right order and don't pour too much of one onto another or else you'll end up screwing yourself up.

Zeek: What do yo mean?

Zero: Sometimes you give your friends more time than your family, and sometimes you get involved with work more than you should. Sometimes you stress yourself with minor things such as watching football while you could actually get up from your chair and go practice it yourself. When you're dating you can give your girl too much time and treat her like a queen then suddenly you discover that it's not worth it, or maybe she's not worth you. And sometimes you neglect your friends and then when you are back on good terms, they tell you that friends will always be here for you but girls come and go, but then again all this is crap. It is all about balance. Friends will always be here for you, no matter how much time you give them, so you don't need to worry about that. You don't need to select your words before talking. Friends will always be friends. You only have to abide with the man-pact and brotherhood rules and you'll be fine. If you look back when we were young, we were all just one big man doing everything together, it was definitely better than what is it like now when everyone is in a different place, country or even continent. And even when we sit together we still feel like strangers. We are observing not looking, speaking not talking and it's just not as fun as it used to be before. It is all about balance my friend. You need to balance your life. Balance your work. Balance your friends. Balance your love life. Balance your hobbies and interests.

Zeek: Oh I like your lateral thinking! Sometimes you surprise me with such wisdom of yours.

Zero: Haha, it's not always like that. I just like to speak my mind out to you. You are my best friend. You're probably the only friend that I've had. The one who cares for me and definitely the only one who understands me. We laugh together and we suffer together, we're unbreakable at times and we weep on many many nights.

Zeek: Dude you're freaking me out, stop talking like that, are you dying?

Zero: I don't know, but I know death is near. I don't know if I will die tomorrow or in 30 years, but I have been feeling death for some time.

Zeek: What do you mean feeling death? How can you feel death?

Zero: I don't know, I can't explain it. I just feel that I am next.

Zeek: Next in what exactly?

Zero: Just next. I don't dream of dying. I actually don't dream at all lately, and when I do, they are dreams I can't recall. And even if I do remember them, they just don't make sense anymore. But I just feel it.

Zeek: You mean feeling lonely? Are you lonely?

Zero: No I am not lonely. I just feel like going. Going to that other place. Maybe I feel that because I want life to end soon. I don't know. These are all maybes. But what I know for sure, is that I want to take that trip to the other world. I want to go, I really want to.

Zeek: Man you're freaking me out.

Zero: Dude, we're just talking here. I am not going to cut my wrists or jump off the balcony. I could never do that. It is against our religion, and if I will sin then I'd rather get physical with a girl than kill myself! Plus, I am not the bravest man in the world. I would never harm myself. I get scared and I don't like pain. If I have to choose the way I die, then I would want it to be pain-free. Dying in my sleep would be ideal.

Zeek: I was hit by a car before and I didn't feel a thing, but when I woke up I was in severe state of pain with a shattered leg, but that moment I got hit in felt like thin air.

Zero: Well I don't want the pain. So maybe I would get hit and die on the spot, but it will still look bad, and I would never stand in front of a fast car. My senses will push me away.

Zeek: Dude, why can't we change the subject. It is not funny talking about how you want yourself to die.

Zero: You've always been like that. There's nothing wrong when wishing and wanting a peaceful quiet way to die in.

Zeek: I think when I die I will not want to look at the faces of my loved ones. I don't want to see their sadness because I might feel guilty that I have left them behind me, and I wouldn't want that. I will just go in silence and disappear as if I was never here in the first place.

Zero: Man you worry too much. Even when you're dead and no longer alive you will still be worried. Dude you will just be a ghost, or maybe you won't even be a ghost. We are never sure if we die will be able to see the world from a different angle or not.

Zeek: I believe my dad is looking down on me. I like to feel that he is watching me. Maybe he is not, but I want to live with the notion that he is shining down on me from Heaven.

Zero: I miss your dad.

Zeek: I never knew what it is like to miss someone as I know now. Whenever I used to travel and come back and say the words I miss you to someone, is actually something I thought I felt, but I didn't. Even when people I knew passed away, I missed them, but with my dad it's different. If I have to define the words 'missing someone' then it will be the state I am feeling since the day he was gone. It feels funny how we thought life would end if we didn't get the passing mark back in school, or if things get ruined between you and your girl, or funnily enough if a team you support lose a big game. I would trade anything in the world now just to see my dad again. I would live happily ever after without football, girls, work, food, anything I have desired, just to see him. I cry every day. I cry every night. I cry both with tears and I also cry silently. I never thought you could actually cry without tears - to cry from inside your heart. Do you remember when we were kids and our mothers wanted to cry but they didn't in order not to scare us so they end up just keeping their tears inside? This is it. But let me tell you; the grief I have to go through daily is something I would never wish upon someone, and yet, it is this grief that keeps me going. It is this pain that actually gets me out of bed and takes me to work. It is the sorrow that makes me achieve things I've never thought I would. Yes I miss my dad endlessly, and I hate life, and I want to be with him, but I am not going to just sit here doing nothing about it till my time is up, instead, I will try to enjoy life. It is all about passing the time. That's it, passing the time. It is up to me to make use of what's left in my life, and I've decided to make the best out of it. And I am and will be doing so with the suffering I get every passing second.

Zero: You seem like you have found a new meaning to life.

Zeek: I don't want to get too sophisticated about it, but after all, if you think about it, what's the point of life? There's nothing in this life worth living for, when every person you love dies, what is there more to do? Will you get another dad? Will you love another mom? Hell if I die right now, who will you complain to? You don't replace people with others, and you can't do that. That's why religion is important, and that's actually the beauty of religion. It is religion that makes us calm. Without religion I would probably be insane right now. Without religion I would not have known what is it like to love and be loved. And it is religion that promises you that you will reunite with the dead again, so the truth is, religion is always on your side, and it's always providing you with the necessary tools to live, but we just tend to complicate things all the time, that's why we end up either fearing the afterlife and stop thinking about it, or we don't think about it at all till it's too late to think of anything.

Zero: So here you are agreeing with me on the balance equation I was saying earlier; even in religion you need to have the right balance.

Zeek: Yeah, it seems that we agree as much as we disagree.

Zero: Haha, remember in the past when you used to blame me for everything wrong that happened in your life?

Zeek: Of course, and I still do. You always push me towards the wrong things. Always.

Zero: Well it isn't bad. You repay me by pushing me towards the right things, so you shouldn't feel bad about yourself. You are doing a good job. Each and every one of us has 2 sides, a good side and a bad evil one. The best thing about us, is that you are my good angelic friend, and I am your worst devilish friend. I push you towards my world of treasures and you guide me towards the fresh air of wisdom.

Zeek: Yes, but you can't continue like this. Why can't you just defeat all the wrongs about your life and try to start over? Not that I am an angel; not at all, but at least I am trying to make amends with myself.

Zero: I can't. I don't want to.

Zeek: How?

Zero: I don't want to stop thinking about women. I can't be like you.

Zeek: Man, get over yourself. We CAN live without thinking of women.

Zero: No you can't, you're almost a year single now, of course if we exclude that summer thing that should have never been. Tell me something, how happy are you?

Zeek: I am happy.

Zero: No you're not.

Zeek: Why do you always act as if you know everything?

Zero: Because I do.

Zeek: Well, I am happy with how my life could be going, but yes I miss being with someone, I have to admit. It's not that I want to be with someone because I miss being with someone, no, it's about the fact that I know that being with someone you want to be with - that feeling - cannot be topped by anything else.

Zero: Do you think of your ex's?

Zeek: In what way? We all remember our ex's.

Zero: Do you miss someone more than the other?

Zeek: Every single one of them used to believe that I think of the previous one or of the one I spent longest with. They all had doubts in their own selves. I just don't get why they had insecurity problems, but back to your question, well I don't think of someone more than the other. It just happens depending on a certain situation I am in.

Zero: Give me an example.

Zeek: Ok I was driving that night and I rarely switch on the radio, but my iPod wasn't working for some reason and the radio played a song for Aerosmith, and it just hit me how much an ex of mine used to love that song. It was all a matter of a moment.

Zero: Why didn't you comment when I mentioned 'that summer thing'?

Zeek: You even said it yourself; it should have never been, so what do you expect me to talk about?

Zero: Why didn't it last?

Zeek: I thought you know everything.

Zero: I do, but I want to know if you believe her.

Zeek: No I don't.

Zero: Why?

Zeek: 1 + 1 = 2 and that wasn't the case with her.

Zero: What do you mean?

Zeek: I might have had sick girlfriends before, or let's just say they possessed a sick side or nature that seemed to show whenever something was not going their way, but with that girl, it was not like that. She is not sick. She is pretty sane. She doesn't have a sick side, or at least from what I know of, but it is definitely the first time in my life I feel I got fooled.

Zero: Fooled? What do you mean fooled?

Zeek: Not fooled as in I discovered something I didn't know or anything of that sort, but fooled as not being told the truth on the reason(s) behind her behaviour. She just didn't convince me, and I am sure she wasn't even convinced herself. She wasn't honest with herself to tell me in the eye the true reasons for her to be like this, and that's why I ended it.

Zero: Do you know why?

Zeek: Of course I do. I felt it. My gut feeling can never go wrong.

Zero: Oh you and your gut feeling theory. What did it tell you this time?

Zeek: Believe me it works. Never did it fail me, not even once. The reason is plain and simple. She liked me, I know she did, her eyes would never lie, but I just didn't tick all her boxes. And you know me, I believe in me, and if someone thinks I don't tick all the boxes, then we can never belong together.

Zero: Oh, and what ever happened to the Rolex girl btw?

Zeek: Oh the Roelx girl!

Zero: Haha, yes.

Zeek: Well she wasn't the first girl I date who had a Rolex on, but I will always label as the Rolex girl, because she was seriously living in a bubble. She acts normal but she's not. She thinks she's modest but even if she is, she wants to be with someone who is not, and that's why we couldn't be together.

Zero: How?

Zeek: It is clear. Look at her friends and look at mine. Look at her life and look at mine. I wouldn't get along with any of her friends, and definitely not with her life. She comes from the bling bling world, and I am just me. I am my own man. I am not saying she is materialistic, not at all, because I would have never been involved with someone from that sort. It's just that she is smart, and she approached this relationship the way a football coach approaches a game with certain tactics. She liked me, but she wasn't head over heels about me. She didn't know me well. She wanted to know me well, and when she did, she knew that as time goes by, she will like me more and will be even madly in love with me, but I still wouldn't fit her criteria, and thus, it was best for all not to be with me. She might say she has a point, but I don't agree with people who think like that. You shouldn't approach a relationship with one eye on your partner and another eye behind your back checking out if he will fit or not. She stopped herself from getting more involved with someone she actually liked A LOT just because he is a normal person, even though this man could have been the best thing that happened to her, but she didn't pursue it, because the 'go ahead light wasn't yet green in her eyes'. Yet, if I had the cash and the car, all the lights in her life would have turned green, and she would have pursued it, yet by time, she could have discovered that I am the worst person in the world. So I just don't get it; why would you stop yourself from knowing someone even if you like him because your mom thinks you should marry Richie Rich? How can the financial basis of someone directs your feelings? What if I own the money but I am stingy? What if I smell for instance? What if I don't treat my family in a good way? What if I don't sweet talk and treat you right like any normal couple would do? And on the contrary, if you meet someone and you find him very nice and he even gives you butterflies and let you laugh your heart out every time you talk or meet, but he is not rich enough, then no, you wouldn't pursue it. I've dated women who have financial power more than this girl and her family would even dream of, and they were all modest, and all they cared of was how good is this man treating their girl, and no matter how much praise those girls and families deserve yet my words will never do them justice. And then come this girl who thinks herself cool because she has a Rolex; well why did she even approach me in the first place? To hell with this and to hell with women and families who share the same mind. Funny. Life is funny.

Zero: That's the problem with them girls. We are normal to them, and by normal it doesn't mean we live on the street. If you look at us, we either had the same or better schooling. We earn more than they do. Our parents always granted us our wishes. We traveled the whole world before they even got on a plane. We would never look in someone's belongings and the word envy is not in our dictionary because all our lives we were never ignored, but the problem is- we lack the cash and assets, and this my friend is a problem for them. It is just because we live in the same society and on the same street, or have the same group of friends, doesn't mean we have 10 cars and that we have different apartments to pick from whenever we decide to tie the knot, and that whenever we want cash we will call the big man home to transfer it in our bank accounts. Back in school we were all growing up with the same boundaries. We all got in cabs or had drivers because we still didn't have a license. We went out to the same places. We were more or less all the same, even with the clothes we had to put on; inside the school we had uniforms we had to abide to and outside it was always a jeans a t-shirt. It all changes the moment you enter university, and some kids would travel abroad either because they need a more healthy academic life or because their parents just have too much money to spend. Others would enter normal universities because their parents believe that the university name wouldn't matter much and all they want - is their kids to graduate with a degree, and finally ourselves; get enrolled in the middle ranked universities for various reasons: either we didn't qualify for the best, or our parents didn't have the money to pay for the best, or we just wanted to follow our friends to revive our high school memories. People turn 18 and they buy cars. You will find your friend who was just with you the other night in the cab now drives a brand new baby, while another kid is driving a car your dad could never even dream of driving, another with a car just like yours, and finally, that kid who drives an old used car that has been there in the house for years and probably his brothers and sisters even had it before him when they turned 18. At this very moment my friend; this is when the first slap of life hits you and says 'hello' with a smirk on her face. From this moment life changes for you. You graduate from university and you find your friends working with their family in their own private business with no need to worry about what probably 98% of the kids do when they graduate. Others will work straight in the top multinationals because their parents 'know people'. Others would undergo tons of interviews in those multinationals just to filter them and very few get accepted. Others will go to recruitment agencies and submit their CV's and wait for THAT call to start with a local company earning peanuts, and then they wait for the moment they get another job offer which will be like a new lease of life. You grow more and then comes the natural order of humanity - marriage - and the moment when one man's family meet another. You see your friends getting married easily with no problems at all, others have to go through lots of fights and they might succeed to pull it through at the end, while others get rejected before anything starts and usually because they are 'normal'. For the second time I am going to say it; when we are kids we're all the same, but when we grow up, we're not. There is the well-off kid, there's the rich kid, there's the normal kid and there's the average kid. The well-off, rich, normal and average kids are all friends but their statuses were never noted when they were little children, but as they grow up, the people they deal with starts to differentiate between them and make them look at themselves and wonder if they really are that different or not, and here's when you know you can't have it all. You see some of your own friends who are married and you know quite well that the wife is with the guy because he is well-off or rich. Yes she loves him but you never know if she loves him for who he is or for what he owns. I don't want to be like that, I want the girl who will end up with me to take me for who I am, doesn't matter if I will accommodate her in a 2 story villa or in a small lazy apartment. What matters is the man in me and the amount of love and care I will genuinely offer her. And she needs to share with me that genuine love and care herself. If I have the money I will make her a queen, and if I don't have the money I will still make her a queen. A royal one. She needs to understand that.

Zeek: It's not like that anymore my friend.

Zero: It's just sad how everything nice and beautiful disappeared. We should just sleep and dream of nice things.

Zeek: Speaking of dreams, you know what's funny? Even when I go to bed at night and sleep, and this is the time of the day where I could actually dream of anything I can wish for; I just dream of silly things. When you sleep and dream, you are supposed to dream of things and places you cannot reach, that's why they are called dreams. We live in reality and therefore dreams should be the total opposite. Even my wet dreams of late have been very sad, I am suffering from premature ejaculation in my dreams! Can you imagine that? So even in my dreams I can't have proper sex! I deprive myself from looking at girls in the real world and ban my hands from masturbating like all men do and when I go to sleep - I don't get to do it - and even when I do it - I don't do it right. I am supposed to be a stallion in my dreams, to have sex with every single woman on planet earth, and instead I cum the moment I start kissing or making out.

Zero: How?

Zeek: I just cum.

Zero: Yes we all cum in wet dreams, that's why they're called wet.

Zeek: No no, I just cum early, that's why it's called premature ejaculation. I am kissing the girl, and the next moment I am a water park. I don't even put it in. One of my dreams I was actually sliding it in but it was too late again, I came all over her.

Zero: Wow. There must be a reason for all this my friend. Maybe you have been very stressed lately with work and all. They say premature ejaculation comes with stress, and statistics say that every other man will experience it at least once regardless of age, time or place.

Zeek: Yeah maybe that's why, but I also know something else that could have led to all this.

Zero: What is it?

Zeek: Ok as you know, I am very confident with my own body. I take off my clothes and walk around with my unit dangling around in front of my friends, despite some of them getting so shy in doing the same, even though we are all brothers. Most of them have issues in displaying their private parts, maybe they think it doesn't look right, and they all have insecurities with its size. So anyway, one day, I was with that girl in the car and she told me to show it to her. She just asked for it. Automatically I had no hesitation and just took it out of my jeans so confidently. Before I tuck it in she possibly said the WORST thing a girl would ever say in such situation.

Zero: Which is?

Zeek: First of all her tone of voice was quieter than usual. It's like she wasn't fascinated to see a man's penis one metre away from her! And all she had to say was 'why is it small?' Out of all the words that she could find, that's all what she could think of 'WHY IS IT SMALL?' That was even worse then the Seinfeld episode when that woman accidentally opened the bathroom door to find George Costanza naked after he came out of the shower, then she jiggled and walked away, with him screaming 'I JUST CAME OUT OF THE SHOWER'.

Zero: Oh man that episode was classic. What happened after that?

Zeek: I joked about it and tried to change the subject. Of course the moment I got home and took my clothes off, I stood in front of the mirror and looked at my body, and for the first time in my life I looked at myself in a different way. I didn't need that girl's opinion to change my level of confidence in my own body, but I don't know why did it break me like that. I always complimented my own body to myself, but from that moment every time I looked at my body I felt something was wrong. For the first time in my life I started browsing the internet checking reviews on the human body and how long should your unit be. I even came across exercises that would increase your size. I felt so down and I really wasn't anymore the guy I was.

Zero: How is this related to premature ejaculation?

Zeek: After that incident we were once somewhere and we kissed, and while we were kissing, I was getting erections, but then I started thinking what if she touched me down there and I started feeling all those insecurities in a span of seconds, so I just came in my pants while kissing. I really hated my life. How can I cum in my pants while kissing? I never even experienced such a thing when I was a kid, how would I get that now! Every time that girl touched me I wasn't confident enough and I thought I am not good enough. I always loved my body, the way it is and didn't want to change anything in it. Guys always wondered how long their penises should be and all my life I was the only who didn't. I have seen smaller ones, enormous ones, crazy shaped ones, and I never wanted to change mine, but believe me, at this phase in my life, if I actually could have changed one thing in me, then it would have been my baby down there. I am totally over that now, my lapse of self-doubt disappeared, and I am as confident as I always have been before this girl showed up in my life. It was all psychological; all in the head. You tend to be what you believe you are. But the thing that's bothering me, is that I can't have proper sex in my dreams still. I don't know why even though I no longer have doubts about myself in real life. Why can't I have proper intercourse with the ladies and have hours of hot steamy sex. This is what's bothers me. I can't watch sex, I can't have sex, and I even can't dream of sex. Why can't I be a kid again?

Zero: Man you're thinking too much into it, relax, your dreams will get right again, don't worry. At least you're dreaming of something, unlike me, I haven't been dreaming at all for some time now.

Zeek: It is better not to dream at all than to have incomplete ones.

Zero: No man, believe me, when you wake up every morning not knowing what were you dreaming of you get an empty blank feeling as if you don't belong in this world, and you're just a scumbag on a deserted island.

Zeek: Maybe. I guess we're both facing problems with dreams. Anyway, what about you, are you seeing someone now?

Zero: If I am you will know before anyone.

Zeek: Yeah I know that, but I was wondering if there's someone you are yet to talk with me about.

Zero: I'd like to keep that for myself.

Zeek: Fair enough, that's your right.

Zero: What else is going on with your life?

Zeek: The funniest thing happened last month, I was in Marina and was walking out of that place with my friend where he pointed at a car and asked me isn't this the same plate number of your ex? I didn't even know what my ex plate number was, maybe because I was never interested in cars. I knew it was short and cute though. I told him I don't know. He said he was sure it is, and what made him positive is that it was the same car she owns. It was 5 am and if that was her car then she would have been sitting in the same place we were at, but I could have sworn she wasn't inside. We haven't talked in over a year, but after I got home I texted her asking if that's her plate number. It was a direct question and one that would make an outsider feel we are on good terms. She replied instantly by greeting me on the Eid occasion we were in, and then she told me she changed her car plates when she renewed her license. I replied back in a nice way. That was it. She didn't send anything after. Maybe there was nothing more to be said, but it just felt weird. There was something missing. I don't know. I think we could have talked, but what would we talk about I didn't know. It just felt weird that we didn't.

Zero: Maybe she's pissed at you for something. Girls always get pissed you know.

Zeek: It seems like everyone is pissed at me. It's like I am the only guy who pisses people off. I am the biggest pisser on planet earth. No one seems to realise if they themselves had pissed me off in the first place or not. Sometimes I wonder why do things get so bad between someone and his ex, but then when you look at it, maybe you wouldn't be friends in the first place had you not dated her, so you can't ask for friendship now after you two screw it all up. It is all messed up.

Zero: Yeah if I look back on the great people I dated, it is crazy; either the ones I lost due to my silly antics or the ones who lost me with their stupidity. Man, I am so enjoying the talk with you, too bad I have to leave soon. Tell me one last thing, since girls are the highlight of the conversation we're having, why do they lately stink?

Zeek: Don't get me started on that!!! I have talked and talked about that for some time now, it is ridiculous. I really don't get it. Girls are supposed to smell good. They cannot smell bad. Well, if they have revealing body hair, that's a huge problem, and Egyptians girls especially veiled ones think they can get away with that because their arms and legs are covered, but at least women (both veiled or not) can still fix their smell! There's nothing worse than a girl who smells, seriously. I tried to filter down what could be the worst turn off in a girl, and it's definitely her stinky smell. I have dated before girls who used to drink alcohol as much as I used to drink water, and their smell didn't turn me off as much as I get when a girl's BO stinks. Some people sweat more than others, that's fine with me, but to sweat is something and to smell is something else. If you smell bad then you fix it. If your breath stinks then you fix it. Every problem has a solution, so just go and fix yours. I find it heartbreaking really when a beautiful girl doesn't realise the fact that she smells, and it is more sad how her friends and family who I am sure can notice it don't tell her or guide her on what to do. I can never tell a girl she smells bad, but I will definitely tell any of the guys. I don't get why girls would get ashamed telling another girl that.

Zero: Yeah when girls stink they smell of dead turtles. And don't ask me what a dead turtle smells like. I wouldn't know, but just the look of a dead turtle is horrifying, so you can at least imagine the smell.

Zeek: Haha, I like that. Dead turtles! Do you realise that if someone stinks; usually sitting to his left side is worse than sitting on his right? There is something fishy about that left side. I always end up sitting on their left side, both guys and girls, especially when I am driving, and it is a killer. On the right side it still stinks, but it is not as bad. So here you go; a tip you can use in the smelly future.

Zero: Man you're crazy. I am going to jet. When will I see you again?

Zeek: Soon. Let's plan for it.

Zero: Alright, I will give you a call when I miss you.

Zeek: Sure, I will be alive, hopefully. You would hear the news if I die, so you better come to my funeral.

Zero: What if I make a no show? You have to understand that I can never imagine life without you, and now you want me to come to your funeral. Let's make a deal, if I die before you die, don't come to my funeral, and I will do the same.

Zeek: I can't promise you that. Let's see how it goes.

I stood up to shake Zero's hand, and the moment I stretched my arm I touched a solid surface. I blinked with my head going one inch backward, and I suddenly realised I am touching the mirror. I moved back and forth to check if I am crazy, and even did the chicken dance that I love, and all I saw was me.

Did I just go through a deeper kind of slumber with my eyes wide awake?

Oh well...welcome to my world.

To Forgive...

2010-08-24T14:55:00.003+02:00

To forgive those that have hurt us seems at times an almost impossible task. And, often it is. Why? Because we haven't yet learned to forgive ourselves. Some of you might be asking and wondering, what do I have to forgive in myself?

We, as human and fallible beings often do things we're not proud of, or carry unnecessary guilts for things that happened long ago. These guilts weigh us down like a sack of stones slung across our psyche, and must be shed before we move towards the concept of forgiving others. Ask yourself this, if you can't find it within yourself to forgive your own shortcomings and errors, how on earth can you expect to truly forgive, letting go of anger and hate?

The past is dead and unless YOU choose to change that, it will be your constant companion and burden all your days. It will impact every single thing you do whether you realise it or not. Rid yourself of it with whatever means you can. Realise we are none of us perfect nor are we without errors. If you have hurt someone badly, and have a way to make amends, do it.

Belief in a power greater than ones own puny ego helps enormously. For those things that you've done that cannot be amended by letter, calling or simply face to face encounter will do. If you can't locate them due to death or sudden disappearance then ask God to forgive you. This becomes easier the more you use, and soon, you find yourself unwilling to wait to say I'm sorry, or even better I forgive you.

When you reach this stage in your journey, life becomes a more joyous experience, and most days you walk without being burdened by self guilt and hate. You will be able to shed all your old saddles of resentments, misunderstandings and guilts.

I believe this is one of the most important and biggest life lessons I've learned, and always reminding myself with during hard times. It is better to forgive, let go of the hurt and pain, so you are finally free to love another person just because he or she is a child of the universe, unique and valued for simply the person they are. Don't put off the chance to forgive, to shatter the chains of hate and dissension one more minute. Life isn't promised, and you never know when 'I forgive you' comes too late.

I can never undo anything I have said, wrote or done, but I can face up to it. I can tell the truth. I can forgive. I can seek forgiveness. And then let God do the rest.

Last year I raged at 2 guys in my post here and towards a girl there. Even though I was hurt and my writings didn't mean to attack them but instead were more of replying to the stuff they labeled me with, yet I shouldn't have done it. I forgive them, and even though my replies were more of self-defense, yet I was foolish and I shouldn't have done it. I am sorry, and I hope that one day they will forgive me too.

On the other hand I hurt a lot of people in my life, old and young, family and strangers, friends and girlfriends, and even animals too. One thing for sure is that I have never ever intended to hurt them.

Again I was foolish.

Again I am sorry.

And I do hope that one day they will all forgive me too.

In Loving Memory of Zaki Azmy.

2010-01-12T11:01:00.006+02:00

The original Zeek has passed away.

19.6.1947 - 6.1.2010

We only part to meet again, and I can't wait to reunite with you in Heaven. I don't know when will my time come up, but I am going to be counting the days that's for sure. Until then, I will always love you, and I promise you that I will always commemorate, celebrate, and honour your splendid, magnificent and brilliant life.

Rest In Peace Pappy.

Engage in Recreation.

2009-10-25T10:15:00.009+02:00

Friday 11th September

We are in the last week of Ramadan. I just finished a dinner (Sohour) I was invited to by my ex boss. All current and ex employees were invited to that gathering. I was there along with my fiancee. My ex gf was also present, as she used to work there, just like me.

She was very strange.

I don't know why hasn't she said hi. I was going to normally say hello and introduce her to my partner but when I saw that reaction from her, which was complete denial, I decided not to do anything because it was clear she doesn't want to communicate.

Fair enough.

The next day I was sending something to my friend on the BlackBerry messenger (in which she is on) but to my surprise she was not there amongst my contact list anymore.

She deleted me.

Was it seeing me the previous night the reason for you to delete me? Why did you add me then in the first place? Why did you send me a 'congratulations' message with a common friend a week prior if you were going to neglect my presence last night, followed by deleting me the next morning?

Monday 14th September

One month passed since I got engaged. It feels very weird to be engaged. It feels good. It feels very good. It feels impressive. I feel responsible. I feel big. I feel very big. I feel impressive. I feel mature even though I had thought I am. I feel like a man, a real one. Being a man is not about physique or the amount of hair your grow on your body, it is not about talk and neither it is about actions. It is not about having a ring around your finger, or making a lot of money. Being a man is about knowing what to do, when you have to do it. It is about knowing what to stop, when it is time to actually stop. It is about stepping up, when you need to step up. It is about being a jerk when you have to be one, and being a role model when you have to be one.

I love my friends, they were really there for me when I needed them. They were magnificent in all ways possible; I cannot describe it. Seriously at a particular moment during that night while I was dancing, I felt so happy to an extent that I felt scared of dying in that particular moment. Not even in Moscow when United lifted the Champions League infront of my own eyes. Not even when I was standing first row infront of Billy Corgan & The Smashing Pumpkins. Nothing felt like that before. I thought I would faint from the amount of oxygen inside my chest.

During the past month, I have received greetings from people whom I had thought would not congratulate me, and from others whom I never knew existed. I was very surprised to get their calls and messages. And rightly very grateful. I was let down by some people though. Some people that every day for the past month I wonder why haven't they sent me anything.

Thing is, put yourself in my place; when you suddenly get 'centre stage' attention and you find all those messages coming your way, your mind opens up and remembers certain people whom you would have expected to at least contact you, but they didn't. I don't know if they know I got engaged or not. But that's a weak argument I'd rather not give them. Actually that's a silly argument, I will not erase that past sentence, and instead leave it, it is sure is a weak argument. I'm sure they found out. I am no Obama to be the people's word of mouth, but we're in Egypt and if those people I never knew existed found out, then it makes sense that the ones who know me had found out too, eh? I don't really know why haven't they contacted me. You see, I'm a very simple man, and very fair too, I'm not expecting flowers or presents, but a simple text would have made me very content. Maybe they wanted to be amongst the invitees, but they need to know that it was purely out of my hands. And believe it or not, I don't think they deserve to know that it was purely out of my hands. I had already made it clear to the people I wanted to be there but couldn't that it was out of my hands, but these people that I am let down by are not close enough to me to the extent of being there, or let's say the ones in Cairo at least, as some of them live abroad, but still, I expected something out of them. I am certainly let down.

I was going to list the names of those people here, but then I thought it wouldn't be fair to let it out in the public. Still I am very disappointed with all of them. I'll certainly make my point clear whenever I see them. I will make sure to let him/her know. One of them is actually a girl whose name is mentioned on my blog. We share the same family name, and she was very close to me at one point in my life. We used to chat daily on msn, and by daily I literally mean daily. Then I stopped logging on msn, and we drifted, but is that an excuse? Another girl was dating one of the guys mentioned here in my infamous post here. She was always in constant communication with me before writing that post and after it, till at least last year. She used to ask me if I wanted anything from abroad whenever she traveled. I used to call her every single time when her grandfather was ill in the hospital. I mean it is a shame that this girl is even on my BlackBerry Messenger, and she could obviously see my name 'Zeek' on her contact list whenever she opens that application, yet she decided not to send me a simple one world saying 'congratulations'. I don't know what's the problem with girls and me, but the list goes on. One other girl is living in England, and when I visited back in March I made sure to call her because I heard she was very sick. I was even going to go visit her city, if I had the time, just to see her. Enough with girls and let's move on to guys. There is a guy who calls me by his best friend, and fittingly I'm the only real friend he has in this country. He lives in England in that same city with the girl I just mentioned, and when I was there, he didn't even come see me, but he also told me that he was ill - and put in mind that the last time I have seen him was back in July 2007, and the one time before that was in January 2003. I didn't expect phone calls from both of them; an email from their computers, which they sit on every single day would have been more than enough. A one sentenced email. I didn't ask for long stories, or detailed emails telling me about their lives. I just wanted one word. Keeping in with the guys; I wasn't really expecting a message from that guy I once considered blood (scroll down to previous posts to understand), but I expected something from his best friend who was a regular member in our bunch, and the only of us who works as a doctor. Surprisingly, that dude's birthday was 2 weeks before my engagement, and to add to the woe, I called him to wish him a good one. I never missed his birthday for the past 4 years at least. Continuing with the moustaches, there is that guy who was also mentioned in the same link above, and someone who has been in my social network for almost 14 years; and funnily enough he is getting engaged in 2 weeks time. You are probably wondering what's funny about this, and this takes me to the next point, which is the fact that he contacted my brother to invite him. So I just don't get it, when he dialed my brother's number, didn't it cross his mind that "ooops I am calling Farid Zaki - oh darn, I totally forgot to congratulate his brother Sherif Zaki on his engagement"?

Did these people just pause for a moment and think about how would it feel like bumping into me someday? How are they going to react? What are they going to do? Are they going to play stupid, or will they say "Sorry I was very busy when I heard you got engaged, and totally forgot to congratulate you afterwards." Who is going to buy that crap? Didn't life teach them to cover their backs? If they had sent me just a text, no calls, no love poems, just a simple text compiled of one word would have been enough. At least if I ever bump into them I will make sure that they know how much they are appreciated by me.

Anywho that's not a rant, or some sort of banter, I am simply questioning manners. Pure manners that those people should have been abided by, but they didn't. And I will make sure they know exactly how I feel about them when I see them.

Saturday 19th September

I just received some horrific news. My manager passed away. Rest in peace Yasmine.

Monday 21st September

We buried our manager today.

I have nothing more to say. There is nothing I actually want to say.

Wednesday 23rd September

Back from the holidays. The office is black. People are crying. My manager shared with me the same room. It feels odd to look back and find a big brown vacant chair. I miss her. I saw her last week before she travels, and she was very happy. I hope she is in a better place, and I hope she is happy.

Friday 25th September

Wael got engaged!!!!!

It was a very beautiful evening. Seeing Wael getting engaged was very touching. I was so touched. I'm very happy for him. :)

Wednesday 14th October

2 months passed by since my engagement, and still those same people haven't yet contacted me. They're also lucky enough that they haven't yet bumped into me. On another note, I put on some weight back since I got engaged. I ate a lot the past 2 months. Thinking about it, I really did eat a lot.

Friday 16th October

I was playing football today and on my first touch on the ball my ankle flipped underneath me, leaving me with a tear in my ligaments. My leg is in a cast for 6 weeks. I guess no Friday afternoon football session for at least 2 months. Some rest, maybe.

Tuesday 20th October

It is almost 6 pm and work is finishing and I was beside the Financial Manager's room. He was watching a football match. I hear his phone ringing, and all of a sudden the match stopped, I realised he muted the TV to answer his phone, such a normal action we all do. It seems to me that he was talking to his wife, as I overheard him saying, "I'm very busy finishing a lot of stuff, don't expect me home anytime soon, and wish me luck."

I am sure she is very proud of her husband and assumes that he's too exhausted and all, but I realised lately that people in general like to tell their partners that they're busy, even when they're not busy. I can't wait to get married and go home to my wife and kids as soon as the working hours are over. I am not questioning this man's integrity. Who knows, maybe he has problems at home; who doesn't after all? But it is not just him, it is everyone. Every single person does that. Why do people have to tell others how important their lives are even if they're just sitting there doing nothing. If he had told his wife that he's sitting watching a match, would she have asked for a divorce? I don't know, I don't get it. Why does this girl sitting with me in the same room at work tells everyone she speaks to that she is bombarded with work, even if she is just sitting on Facebook? Will people say she is a loser, if she just tells the truth? What are the motives behind doing that for both genders? I think females do it because they are always perceived as 'time wasters' and all they care about is to prove to the outer-world that they are not. And I think males do it because they are always perceived as the 'stronger partner' in the relationship, and they will always want their companions to think highly of them, appreciate them and love them more because they will always make sure to remind you with the fact that are the ones spending on the house, and when they work more, then it is because they love you and your kids more.

Funny human beings.

Today, Sunday 25th October

I miss you. I miss that shrimp pasta salad you once cooked me. I miss that black chair downstairs and how I used to sit on it like the king of the world. I miss that piece of drawing that was up on the wall which you drew when you were a little kid. I miss that baby blue shoes of yours. I miss that old stereo and the ancient tapes that belonged to your father. I miss how you used to sound when you read in Arabic. I miss the long useless hours of studying. I miss the way you used to jump on one leg with your neck sideways to get the water out of it. I miss how I miss you. I miss the fact that it has been more than two years since I saw you, the longest time since I have ever known you. I miss the caricature picture of your grandfather whom I never met in person. I miss how you used to take care of him. I miss coming to see you when he passed away and we all sat down in your room. I miss your aunt, I really do. I miss her husband who never talked to me. I miss your cousins despite them not liking me, except maybe one of them. I miss your friends despite them not loving me, except 2 or 3 of them, and I never knew why they loved me. I miss your Kenzo perfume, that sweet L'eau Par. I miss our fights, every single one of them. I miss you calling me by the gayest nickname in the world, and yet I loved it. I miss going to the movies just to watch a movie; any movie that our feet would drag us to. I miss arguing with you when you had your first puff of cigarettes. I miss those blue eyed lenses and how I made fun of you because you looked like a dork, and I miss how I was shocked when you got that infection afterwards. I miss your dad's ancient cigars sitting there on the desk, and the scattered papers all around it. I miss how I tried to fit in, just for you to see. I miss how I tried to cast away just to see if you will notice I am there or not. I miss how I dictated my life around you, even when you weren't there. I miss how I transformed me, all parts of me, so that I can grab your attention. I miss the fact that you don't know how much you meant and still mean to me. I miss how you supported me throughout your life, before deciding to stop providing me with any strength. I miss how we had so much power to make everything possible. I miss The Levellers, and how pathetic their music was. I miss that Taz t-shirt of yours which I only saw once. I miss your anger, which obliterated mountains, and your tears that rained in both moments of happiness and those of gloom. I miss your kindness that was witnessed by everyone, and your warmth that overfilled the world with safety. I miss you. I miss how you used to say 'Bonjo Bonj' every morning for a long time in your life, till you suddenly stopped, and as much as I wondered why did you stop, but I never asked you, I was happy because I thought it was a stupid phrase. I miss your stupidity. I miss our stupidity. I miss Green Day. I miss the days when we used to win the library quiz back in school, and we both knew it deep inside of us that we are probably the dumbest people around, but we never spoke of it. I miss how we were regarded as big, grand people, even though we were so tiny in our own shells. I miss you writing to me whenever you went away, and vice versa. I miss those stupid images I used to draw for you in the letters, but I knew you'd find them funny. I miss how you used to draw a smiley face, not the usual 2 dotted bracket, but actually a real rounded face with 2 dots displaying the eyes and a bracket revealing the mouth. I miss your joint handwriting and how it was so Italic. I miss that black leather jacket you had. I miss how you were terrified of the water and swimming at one point in your life. I miss how we never tried to outsmart one another. I miss our paradise and the so-many cloud nines before the agony and nightmares took over. I miss the fact that you were the only one, the only one whom I wanted in my life, without wondering if we share the same traits or asking questions that only tomorrow could have answered. I miss how I used to wake up to your calls while now I cannot dial your number. I miss those long messages we used to send, yet now, even though I click on your name every single day and decide I'll send you a text, I realise it is not a right for me to express anymore. I miss my very first Nokia phone and how I had a special ringtone for you. I miss my foolishness which despite being the reason to lose you, yet it was also the only reason to have you. I miss your sensibility. I miss how I had so many big dreams, only to get vanquished by your impatience. I miss how you always admired me, before losing faith in every living cell in me. I miss how you didn't like 'Twister' the movie, and your argument was that the whole movie took place in the car. I miss how you are probably scratching your head now trying to remember that day, but at the end you won't. I miss how you bumped into me in 'That Thing You Do' movie, and it is funny that I never told you that the only reason for me to go watch that stupid movie was because I knew you were going to be there with your friends. I miss how I used to call your house, but before anyone picks up, I would just hang up out of nervousness and timidity. And I miss how I used to hope you'd answer, but still I would hang up even if you or your parents did. I miss your passion to learn, and your simplicity that is second to none. I miss your two turtles, or was it only one? I miss your voice, and I long for the day in which I will only hear it, and hear nothing else. I miss the aching truth that you were mine. I miss your smile that when it was drawn on that face of yours, everything else didn't matter. I miss your jealousy and how you were more protective than the mother of all cats. I really do miss you. I miss how you were so elegant and chic but it didn't stop you from strucking your own arms in the toilet to get that key of yours which was sinking in your brown nasty missile. I miss your farts, even though they were not often heard of. I miss how you used to think I am so hot for being able to bend my toes while stretching out my feet even though I found it the easiest thing ever. I miss how you wanted no one else but me. I miss how my happiest nights were because of you, and my darkest ones too. I miss being ill and crippled because I used to sleep knowing that you will be there when I wake up. I miss being healthy so I can take you for long walks. I miss eating junk food because you always fought against it. And I miss eating healthy because you always enjoyed it. I miss the summers when I used to be away because the more they lasted, the more I missed you. I missed how I used to plan all summer long on what to do when I finally see you. I miss how I didn't do anything when I finally saw you, and just stood silent, or rather shy to approach you. I miss the tactics and formations I used to deploy in my mind, and how they all vanished the moment you said "hello". I miss your hellos, and goodbyes. I miss that long 'byeee' over the phone that you used to say. I miss how we complemented one another on the dancing floor. I miss that night when I took you to that night club, and before you leave you quickly stamped a kiss on my left cheek. You gave me lots of kisses on both cheeks before, but this was the only time you just kissed one cheek. I miss how I went home afterwards on that cold November night and looked in the mirror and made all those funny faces because I was too excited of what tomorrow will bring. I miss how we had so many rights despite of our wrongs. I miss Dolores even though she never existed, and I wonder at this very moment does she miss me too?

I dreamt of you last night. We were sitting in a lecture side by side, and I was sure I smelled your scent in the dream. It was so real, and yes I woke up to your scent. It was coming out of my nostrils.

I miss the truth behind all this. I miss how it was more than just a memory.

I miss you, Abdou.

Tonight, so bright...tonight!

2009-08-14T17:22:00.000+03:00

I'm currently at the dirtiest bathroom in the whole of Marina launching my missile. There's no special reason to share that with you, but I'm just stating it.

All my life I've always said that "I'm going out to make history" whenever I have a big ocassion. I always thought that it's part of my legacy to say so, even without knowing that 'making history' in another words is repeating my past.

Tonight is the most important day in my life. I'm not going to say it.

Instead, I'm going out to defy it.

I'm making a future.

She-wolf.

2009-07-29T10:24:00.006+03:00

Listen;

I met you. We became friends. We dated. We broke up. You wanted me back and I declined. You have a big mouth and everyone complains, yet I never gave it any attention. You caused a lot of problems by spreading lies, but again I never gave it any attention. You spread rumors about me to people I don't even know, stuff like "I do nothing in my life except dream of you", still I never gave it any attention, stuff like "I hated the girl I was dating before you and she is the worst creature I have ever met", and still I never gave it any attention.

I actually thought you would grow up, one day.

But now you are warning people off me and telling them to 'take care' while they're dealing with me? Really? Are you serious?

Hahaha.

I am known for being a gentleman, and will always be one. Today, I am taking a break.

You know what; you are the most sleaziest, dirtiest and nastiest person I've ever met. You are too nasty that I wouldn't be surprised if you actually kill your own mother if she ever gets in your way.

You are the devil.

Actually after writing that, you are worse than the devil. At least the devil is known for being evil. Everyone knows his plan. But you are hiding behind a mask, you are a hypocrite in all senses.

Your group of friends are full of suckers because they all have been victims of your very own rumors and they never learned. They are hypocrites just like you. You are all a bunch of sad people. Really sad people; you disgust me and infuriate me to an extent that if any of you get lost in the desert and call me, I will go rent a 4x4 and come drive pass you and pour 10 water bottles infront of your eyes, and leave you dry up in pain. I will watch you suffer without water or food or blankets till you're almost out of breath, and then I will feed you and tie you to the car. I will drive you to a rural area and drop you. There, you will find a family who will take care of you till you regain your health and return back to Cairo. People in rural areas are usually nice and noble, they will listen to your story, and since you will play the victim role as usual, I'm sure you will win their sympathy. They might even offer coming back with you to seek revenge. They will come loaded with guns and fire, anger and stealth and their only aim will be to knock me out, not necessarily kill me, but they'll make sure to slaughter me because it will give them pride.

I won't have a gun, or a sword. But be sure that I will be waiting.

You claim that I am a "terrible terrible man", and after you say all that, you still wear what I got you for your birthday. You do realise that you look like the biggest jerk on planet earth, more than you really are, don't you? Whom are you kidding?? Get over yourself. Get over me. You will never have me. Everyone knows you want me but you will never have me. Not even in your wildest dreams. I actually hate the fact that you could dream of me when you're asleep. I hope that every time you dream of me, I will be pissing in your brain till it actually come out of your ears!

I told you before that you need to be examined by a doctor.

I was mistaken. It was an understatement.

You need to see an exorcist with a degree in both psychology and psychiatry, specialized in all forms of mental disorders.

And you know what?

Even he will return your money and tell you to go bury yourself alive.

Meawwww.

The kites are still flying.

2009-07-19T14:34:00.011+03:00

3 years!!!

Around this time last year, I wrote a list of 100 things you probably didn't know about me in celebration of my blog's 2nd anniversary. I could write another 100 things about me that again you probably didn't know, and they'll be different from the ones listed last year, but instead of diversity, I will focus on just one topic - hatred. Since I am hated by a lot of people out there, I will write 101 things that Sherif Zaki hates. This will be bold, straight to the point, with no curtains concealed, but instead illuminating and instructive.

Let's see where will this ride take me:

1- I hate how our society is divided between very rich people and very poor ones
2- I hate the way people with different backgrounds and upbringings look at me
3- I hate how I cannot bend my right leg
4- I hate the amount of money I have spent on every girl I dated
5- I hate every guy who dated a girl I used to be with, whether it was before or after me
6- I hate how the Egyptian youth is corrupt
7- I hate the fact that I didn't go to AUC
8- I hate the fact that I didn't finish my studies abroad
9- I hate the fact that I stopped my physiotherapy
10- I hate the fact that I left school a year early to join university abroad
11- I hate 30/12/1996
12- I hate the way I treated Mohamed Abou Shady in 2000
13- I hate how I dared my friend that I will kiss a certain girl and actually hid him to witness it
14- I hate deciding to sleep for a few minutes after waking up
15- I hate how I get very protective over the girl I am with to a lame extent
16- I hate the number of times I had to make out in the street
17- I hate a lot of things in my work
18- I hate the fact that I am not able to work permanently in something I love/want
19- I hate the fact that everything in this country runs through your 'connections' and if 'you know somebody or not'
20- I hate the fact that I shifted football teams from Ahly to Zamalek
21- I hate how an ex of mine only talked of ways to make money
22- I hate how another ex of mine only talked about 'her money'
23- I hate how my own friends are not the same anymore
24- I hate how work deprives you from your morals
25- I hate how an ex of mine only talked about the 2 cars her dad asked her to choose from
26- I hate how everyone expects more of me
27- I hate how I wasted 2 years of my life working in useless companies
28- I hate the fact that I dropped out of my Masters
29- I hate how I wasted years of my life without doing any form of sport
30- I hate the fact that I don't know how to change my car tyres
31- I hate how I do not finish most of the useful things I start
32- I hate how I missed out on a lot of girls because I thought I was with 'the one'
33- I hate how I lied at least once to every human being I got introduced to in my life
34- I hate the fact that I need to issue a tourist visa to visit any country
35- I hate the fact that I probably won't have kids before at least 3 or 4 years from now
36- I hate the fact than an ex of mine used to seek my help when her grandmother was ill and suddenly she didn't even call to tell me 'happy birthday' a few days later- she is the same ex who talked about the 2 cars her daddy was getting
37- I hate the fact that mirrors and pictures remind me of things I don't want to remember
38- I hate the fact that every girl I have met in my life tried to flirt with me at least once
39- I hate how I miss my childhood
40- I hate how I avoid looking at girls' bodies
41- I hate the fact that no matter how fast I used to be back in school, still there were faster kids
42- I hate the fact that I didn't date D.A. / S.O. / R.F. / Y.S. / Z.S.
43- I hate how 99% of everything in life is not long lasting in terms of satisfaction
44- I hate the fact that I need to do sit-ups to have abs
45- I hate the fact that when my phone rings, I am 99% percent correct in guessing who is the caller without even looking at the screen
46- I hate the fact that the football season ends in May
47- I hate the fact that no matter how hot lingerie is, it will be removed at the end of the day, accordingly I hate how presents get nicely wrapped but not for long till the wrapping gets torn
48- I hate the smell of cigarettes
49- I hate the laughs of 2 of my ex's - stagnetic!!
50- I hate the fact that all of my ex's became Seinfeld fans because of me, all of them!
51- I hate the fact that my 2002 Sweden National Team jersey is with the guy I considered blood whom I mentioned in my previous post, and therefore it shall only be remembered in silence
52- I hate the fact that I didn't do many things as a kid because I thought they were inappropriate, yet it was not long for me to do them gradually as the time passed
53- I hate greed
54- I hate the fact that sooner or later people will judge me on the amount of money I have and the amount of money I will make
55- I hate people with too much energy
56- I hate the fact that an ex of mine used to eat all the time and still feel hungry all the time, she just never got satisfied or full by anything -she is the same ex who talked about ways to make money
57- I hate the fact that a lot of people want to see me fall down and break to pieces
58- I hate how I never live up to my potential
59- I hate too much gossip
60- I hate the fact that young kids do nothing now but walk around with books
61- I hate people who sit some place having their coffee and reading, trying to publicly display their intelligence
62- I hate the fact that whenever something gets lost in a hotel, I assume that the house-keeping staff stole it
63- I hate how people get dressed up for a passport photo
64- I hate how the shisha guy roams near me the moment I order the bill in order for me to tip him
65- I hate how girls partner each other and go to the bathroom
66- I hate how girls love taking pictures of themselves hugging each other no matter where they are with their cheeks stamped together representing one face
67- I hate how I used to do that one liner beard coming down all the way from my hair through my sideburns to my goatee (i.e. Alex Del Piero & Craig David)
68- I hate it when I want to yawn but can't because I am in a meeting so I end up having the stupidest look on my face while yawning with my lips sealed
69- I hate people who ask so many questions about food and its ingredients
70- I hate paintball and everyone who think it is cool to practise it
71- I hate the fact that I do not enjoy house parties anymore
72- I hate any type of jeans with weird designs and especially when it is very dark and also stonewashed
73- I hate how I look whenever I come back from abroad. I always realise there's something wrong with my clothes as soon as I get off the plane and reclaim my baggage with everyone around me looking with question marks covering their faces
74- I hate it when I am not invited to a wedding that I wouldn't even go in the first place
75- I hate people who would pop up at the end of a work meeting and ask questions to show off that they're smart
76- I hate it wHen PeopLE tYPe LikE tHiS
77- I hate it when someone answers the phone saying "I am very busy, can I call you back in five?"
78- I hate the fact that all of the guys in a public bathroom would not stand and pee in the urinal next to the one I am urinating in and go to the one near the wall all alone, and if all the urinals are occupied except the one next to me, they would still hold their pee till someone else is done instead of urinating beside me
79- I hate the fact that most of them do not wash their hands afterwards
80- I hate how people assume they can tell everything about someone from their shoe or watch
81- I hate the fact that when I first started working I thought my manager was dumb because it took him 2 weeks to finish a task that I used to easily finish in 2 hours, and after 6 years of life as an employee, I discovered that I am actually dumb like him
82- I hate it when I hand my business card to someone and they look at it then give it back to me
83- I hate how people take their cell phones literally everywhere except to their bathrooms
84- I hate the cowboy hats everyone is wearing
85- I hate how everyone is walking around with Mont Blanc pens & wallets
86- I hate the people who used to study before school actually starts
87- I hate the fact that most of the people do not know the difference between its and it's
88- I hate the fact that most bad guys in movies must point their guns towards mirrors and computers and shoot the heck out of them
89- I hate the fact that all girls are not aware that most of their male friends would hook up with them if given a chance
90- I hate how girls claim that they can relate to a certain book, movie or even one of the gay John Mayer songs because they are 'girls'
91- I hate girls who talk crap about a mutual friend and end their ranting by, "I am only doing that because I care about her."
92- I hate it when ONE person (manager, professor, etc...) approaches a group of people and say "how are WE feeling today?"
93- I hate the fact that after standing in a long queue at a fast food chain, the idiot infront of me is still indecisive on what to order and starts asking silly questions
94- I hate how men give a strong handshake to other men they don't know when being introduced to one another
95- I hate paper cuts
96- I hate puzzles, sodukos and all those stupid games
97- I hate how barbers nod their head and say, "I know I know" before I even finish what I'm trying to say
98- I hate how I confuse myself thinking if I should go to an outing wearing comfortable jeans and a shirt or dress up all formal, and after going all formal I find that dude standing infront of me wearing the comfortable outfit I was going to wear looking all cool while I am stuck in a suit
99- I hate how people hide their pin numbers while they're infront of ATM machines
100- I hate people who go out and jog in the rain
101- I hate 9/9/1999

Personal Growth.

2009-07-13T15:19:00.010+03:00

7 months --> More than 200 days --> More than half a year = No Blogging.

Is that the longest time since I have blogged or what?

I do not think the reason I didn't write was because of over enjoymnet, or over depression. Neither did I have the so called 'writers block'. I just didn't feel there is something I need to write about or share. Even though during those 7 months I had reasons, many reasons actually to write. There were moments that I wanted to let out. Moments where I felt like bursting. Maybe those 7 months actually were richer than any 7 months before, or at least in the past few years, and by richer I do not mean full of events, not necessarily, but full of a big bundle of things that made me think. And maybe all the stuff that happened equals nothing to anyone else but me.

I do not know why have I decided to open my blog and write today. At first, I had almost forgot how my blog looks like. Those colours have been out of my sight for some time now. I am glad to be back. Not because this is where I belong. As a matter of a fact, I do not belong here, I make fun of people who sit on their buttocks and gaze infront of a screen, and I also make fun of the people who write. I always believed that writing is gay. Just like poetry, it is gay. I never appreciated seeing a friend of mine writing or getting romantic while holding a pen. I never thought the day would come that I would actually create a blog. I am very judgmental I know, and I can't help it. I do not think I will ever change in terms of judging things and looking at things from only my perceptive.

I declined a lot of offers in my life because they are against my morals, beliefs and attributes. I refused to work in an alcohol company. I opposed the idea to work in a tobacco company. I turned down other minor things too just because I am not convinced about them. I turned down the chance to write a book with someone, some kind of novel. I turned down another chance to write scripts or help in them because I never got convinced about the idea. I know people who are great script writers, but I find it lame and boring, not to mention that it is easy and meaningless. I only write about my life. If I ever write a book then I will write about my life. A book of mine will be a mirror of this blog. It will have my name all over it. Other than that, thank you very much I just won't be able to do it. I write about me. I write about my thoughts. I write about the thoughts that comes out of the thoughts I just talked about. Another book for me would be a documentary on Adolf Hitler, or Eric Cantona, The Smashing Pumpkins, or El Alsson School. But why would I write a story out of my imagination? Or why would I write about my life in a script giving different names to the real characters? Why do I write a script that can be later developed into a movie while I am not the one acting? How would YOU play a role that resembles ME? And even if I played ME, I would still not be able to do it, because life is not a movie. Acting is fake. There is no truth in it. I do enjoy movies. I love movies actually. I am one of the very rare people in this world who would leave the house and go to the movies all alone. I am the same guy who could finish a movie and then jets to another theatre to watch a totally different movie, and still all alone. I do not appreciate actors though. Neither do I appreciate producers or directors. I do not think that movies could direct the society or the environment to anywhere good. Even if it is a good movie, with an authentic message, yet it still didn't cause anything good.

Why would a producer spend 10 million Egyptian Pounds on a movie? The only reason in doing so is to actually generate more profit. It is business for him. Business to bring in more money. If you do actually have 10 million to spend, then why don't you spend them on something effective, something that will benefit you and others. Why don't you give something back to the society? Why would you create a big budget movie on President Sadat, while you can do a better documentary about him with a low budget cost? Why do you have to do a movie on drugs and what happens to drug addicts, while you can do a brilliant documentary capturing real-life examples?

This week also marks 5 months since I last met someone. Someone that I once considered blood. I didn't expect I would write about that issue, but apparently I am writing. This person really tarnished all my expectations. I blame myself for being too nice to him when everyone wasn't. And I wasn't being too nice because of sympathy, no, I was being too nice because I really considered him blood. I blame myself for enjoying my time around him, when everyone else didn't. I blame myself for not listening when I should have. I blame myself for being silent and negative when I should have reacted.

Last week, an old friend rang me and talked for a bit, at the end she was asking me where do I normally hang these days, and to her surprise, nothing had changed. Why do people get surprised when others have not changed things about their lives? And the way they get surprised makes you wonder if they are happy after doing that change, and then you discover that they are living a miserable life themselves, yet they will never share that piece of information with you. Funny thing is that during the same phone call, the girl asked me about a guy who sits in the same place I hang in. The irony is that if she had asked me that question 5 months ago, I would have told her that this guy is around me day and night, but again, that guy is no longer one of us. And no he is not the same person I talked about earlier. So anywho, I just replied by saying that yes I know how he looks, but I do not know him personally. Lately I have been thinking, why is that person on my Facebook list, and I was contemplating the fact to remove him, but as always, I delay thoughts till they dry up, but that phone call really got me thinking all again, why is that person on my Facebook list? What if my friend had asked me the question in a different manner: "Hey, I just realised you know ...... on Facebook?" - what would have been my response? I am glad she didn't ask. I know I would have delivered her a convincing answer, but I am just glad we didn't get into that anyway.

So yes, I have decided to delete him. I am also deleting that guy I considered blood. I do not think it is harsh, especially when you have always been the supportive arm to him and instead, he goes and spread lies about you to his friends and family. I am going to delete both of them now, and will look around if there is anyone else who needs to be removed, but I doubt because in the past 26 years of my life I have never felt betrayed as I did 5 months ago.

I have been labeled before a lot of things. I don't know why people enjoy spreading lies about me. I was once called a homosexual. Actually not only called that, but the person who spread that out literally built a whole scenario or let's say a script about a scene that involves me and 3 guys engaging in oral sex. Now that was funny.

You really don't want to know what happened to that person after my friends & I found out.

Here in the Arab world, women and men are not treated equally. Traditionally women do not get the freedom we men get. Also women here take more care of themselves than men do, and they try to keep their reputation on a high, because a bad reputation in an Arab country really wrecks the girl, and her future. I do not get why would girls I have rarely known or met claim they made out with me? Do you actually think I will feel all hyped up and confident? That is not flattering it is pathetic in all senses. I am no Tom Cruise, I am not the hottest guy in town, not at all. Only the people close to me me are aware of my essense, but the others only know lies about me, so why would someone I don't know claim that she was in bed with me? Thinking about it again it is seriously not flattering. I know other guys would actually jump at such opportunity if it arised, but to me that is disgusting. And this takes us to another stage, and to a more pathetic part in girls; is when they tell stories about you that are not only 'not true', but the hilarious part is that they used to tell you these stories in the past involving other people (another reason to thank God for my memory). One of the stories was very funny, at least in my eyes. I dated a girl once who told me that a guy she hated got her a bunch of flowers and in order to turn him off, she shouted at him as she claimed to be 'environmental friendly' and against flowers and leaves to be cut off trees. Of course back then I laughed hysterically and thought she was smart. Some time after we broke up, I hear a story rotating that Sherif Zaki brought flowers to ....... and she shouted at him, etc...

Isn't this the funniest thing that could happen to you, ever? Hahahaha I am actually laughing now almost every minute in the day, because it is funny, and the girl managed to make me laugh again hysterically, because that story tops the actual story she told me. Brilliant stuff!!

I tend to believe now that there was no guy with flowers in the first place. Things like that make you question a whole person, a whole identity. Just one lie like that is enough to make you doubt everything that girl said.

Last week I saw a guy who is in his 2nd year at university. He was talking with me about music and matches, and suddenly he received his grade in one of the courses he was taking last semester. He was very happy. I saw him call his friends to show off with pride. I watched him call his parents to tell them that their son is the best in town. I was very happy for him. It also reminded me not of my childhood, but reminded me with the fact that as you grow up, happiness gets a different meaning. Back then I used to look forward to my grades. I used to look forward to my summer vacation. I used to look forward to many things that are no longer around me. Yes I miss those days. That doesn't mean I will find happiness if I do the same things again in my age now. Would I get the satisfaction level up again if I enroll in a Master's program? I do not think so, because it is not about doing the same things. It is about identifying where your happiness lies and grasping it with both your fists. Would I get the satisfaction if I spend 10 hours playing console games with friends? I am sure it will be fun, but it won't get me anywhere I want.

I am going through some of the hardest days in my life. Days that I didn't see come. Days I didn't plan for. Days I haven't thought of alternatives or ways to overcome them. They say that something good must come after a lot of bad, and I await passionately and anxiously and also willingly with a smile to see what is next.

I am excited about what is next.

I know what is happiness.

I know where is happiness.

I have found happiness.

Have you?

Fun, Funny and Flashy.

2008-12-18T17:25:00.021+02:00

If you had asked me about how it was, and how it felt - this was going to be my reply, in just three words: Fun, Funny and Flashy.

If you come and ask me now, I will still reply in three words:

Fun, Funny and Flashy.

To you, those 3 words might not represent anything special, but to me they represent a story, even if it was a short one, yet it has lots of meanings, lots of character, and lots of belief. The story went on for years, it was lively for a long time, but just like Japan back in World War II, it was a sleeping giant. It was invisible.

It all started in 2000. That catastrophic summer when Lisa - our house maid returned to the Philippines for good, after spending almost a decade at our home, since I was still a 7 year old kid. She was a friend I can talk to, a teacher I can rely on, a sister I can laugh with, a guitar mentor I can listen to, and a book of stories I can never get bored from.

The summer was finally over, and university started again. During that phase, I used to go to the club at night to jog for a bit; I think we all did that. Some of my friends who are now sitting helpless with no strings of passion towards sports used to exercise daily, and stay fit and above all, they used to enjoy actually moving, rather than sitting now with dust coming out of their animated bodies.

October 2000:

After finishing my usual jogging feast and while having my juice with Hody who was standing with his girlfriend at that time and some of her friends. Now when I say some, I mean less than 5 girls. More than that means a lot. We were all sitting, me, him, his girl - who has a name that resembles a musical drama, and 2 other girls. One with very curly hair, at least back then, because I can't recall seeing her hair again as she got veiled soon after. She pretty much dislikes me, but it is ok, she just dislikes everybody. The other girl had features that you have to notice. Features that will make you look twice. When you are introduced to someone with portrayed features , you first look to study the features, and then look away, and delve back in the conversation with the person whom you actually know, but then you look again just for the sake of assuring yourself that your eyes didn't fool you and your mind sent the right signals about those features.

We didn't talk at all. I was basically talking with my friend and his girl, and soon we were all in his olive-coloured car taking the girls home. We first dropped the girl who is anti-people, and she lived in a very busy street, that I thank God I don't live there. Mind you, I live in a busy street myself, that I only love because I grew up there, but thinking about it I hate it. I hate how crowded it is, and how more crowded it gets at night. I hate the fact that I can't find a place to park, and how boring it gets when I keep taking rounds around my block which takes me hours to return to my original house.

After we dropped her, my friend and I were listening and singing to a song by Alice Deejay that my friend really loved, and he made me love it. A song that till this day every time I listen to reminds me of him. It is kind of nice how you associate a song with just one person, and no one else. Even if someone plays that song for you, still you would only visualize the original person in your memory. Both girls at the back were silent, they didn't even complain about the 2 guys singing up front. I understand why would one of them stay silent, as she is dating one of them, but why would the other? My only assumption was out of shyness and nervousness. A minute after the song was over, we had already arrived to that street where his girl lived in, and apparently that quiet girl lives there too, just a few blocks before her. My friend's girlfriend was still in high school, and it was obvious that her friends share the same age group, so it was apparent that they still have a year to go before joining university.

I went to bed with 3 conclusions:

1- I saw a beautiful girl

2- She is shy

3- And to top that, I got to know where she lives

23^rdof November 2000:

A birthday party I was invited to. I miss the birthday girl, I really do miss her. I haven't seen her for years; actually I haven't seen her since that day. I remember we talked on the phone a few times after that, but she moved abroad soon after, and our long phone calls disappeared. She lived beside the American Embassy, maybe because she was actually half American, I always wondered if this had to do with anything, but I never tried to find out why or even ask her. Her house parties were always memorable. They were always exciting and floundering. The dancing, music, people, everything about that place was just stimulating. I will never forget that place because I had my first slow dance there on 23^rd of November 6 years earlier, in 1994. It felt weird actually hugging a girl and dancing with her. I was floating on air, I could have lasted forever just going in circles, with the rhythms of 'Ode to my family' by The Cranberries playing in the background.

Back to 2000. The moment I entered her house that night, I saw the same features again standing far away in the corner. I knew my eyes are not playing tricks on me because I would never forget those features, and another reason for believing so was the fact that it was less than a month after first meeting her, so my memory can never fail me. Yet I doubled checked again, not only to make sure, but also to look at those features again. Yes I enjoyed looking at her, I admit. It put a smile on my face. She didn't even try coming near anywhere I was standing, because as I mentioned earlier; I felt she was the shy type. I spent more than 3 hours there that night, and I am sure she saw me. We didn't have a clear eye to eye contact, but she felt my presence, just like I felt hers.

After that night I realised a couple of things:

1- That girl is really beautiful, more beautiful than I imagined

2- We have more than 1 common friend

February 2001:

A new year started, a new semester in university, my birthday is coming up, and let's just say that it was a good time in the year. Going to the library to collect my course books and on my way out with a friend on our way to the cafeteria, suddenly my attention gets paused with that girl walking right across the building with a plain white top, and loose blue jeans. What are you doing here I wanted to go ask her? What is happening? Aren't you supposed to be in school now with your uniform on? Are you one of those girls who ditch school and go to places where the elders hang in? Why are you here? Why?!!! I was so confused, and as much as I wanted to find out what is she doing here, as much as I had to go finish some stuff.

I was happy to see her though. I never had forgotten how she looked like, and I don’t think I will ever will. But it was nice to see her at the end of the day.

Still in February, a week passed since that day, and coming out of class, I bump into a good old school friend of mine that I have last seen back in November, in that birthday party. It was around 11 am, the sun was bright and the weather was fulfilling. We started catching up for a few minutes, and then she just moved paving the way and introducing me to her friend who was sitting on the stair steps behind her unnoticed. Those cute little steps, that makes you look very short and continents far from someone who is actually standing infront of you. As I said HI at the same time while moving the direction of my neck rightwards to see who is that girl, I took a step backwards because I couldn't believe what I was seeing infront of me!! I asked myself, why would this person appear in my life, especially in situations that you don't normally fall into? In days that actually starts normal, but ends with question marks all over them? How come that person knows common friends of mine that I have known for years and years, yet she only comes out now? Friends that are not associated with each other, people with different lives, different visions and different guidelines. How?

That was the first time I see her clearly in the light. I have never seen more beautiful eyes. Eyes that are quiet, but with mystic harmony coming out of them. Eyes that display wariness and anticipation and delight. HI she replied back. 'I know her' I said to my friend. She replied with the same manner, 'Yes I know him, we met before in the club, and in the birthday'.

'IN THE BIRTHDAY' she said. That means that I was right when I knew she saw me, and that made me happy because she didn't just say the club, but she said the birthday even though we never talked there, but just like me, she knew that I saw her, and this means that she also noticed me, and more importantly she wants me to know that.

My friend started laughing, and she has a very loud laugh which actually disturbed the clear sea of visions I relaxed in with my hands behind my head, and my back slowly swinging against the clear waves. Her laugh trembled me, and made me realise that moments like these are not supposed to last for long, just like how we all miss our childhood, and how we miss our teens, and how we miss our toys; life evolves and doesn't stop at a certain period. Just like I am enjoying writing this now, my phone will ring and take off that smile I have for a second. Even if I had my mobile on silent, I will have to look at it every now and then, because we got used to looking at our mobiles often, even if we had the ringer off, and we are sure no one called, still we would look just to take a glance at the screen light. Maybe we just feel bad when no one calls and we wonder why haven't anyone thought of us and dialed our number.

If you had asked me, why are you intrigued Sherif? What do you want from her at the end of the day? Why do you care about someone you haven't spoken to except twice in your life? Would it make a difference if you never see this girl again?

I don't know. I really don't. I wanted to know her story. I wanted to know who she really is. I wanted to know why do I sense something more about that person than most of the girls I bumped into or met through friends just like I got introduced to her. I met loads of girls through Hody and I have always seen all sorts of girls in those birthday parties in that same house the November girl hosted.

But why her?

That's the answer I wanted. The answer I seeked, but I didn't really try asking any of my friends about her. I could have easily found out who she was, her full name and even what colour of socks she prefers. But I am not that kind of person. It is just not me. Yes I could be the one asked by people about others in order to fill them in with the information they need, but I just never seek answers from people concerning others. I am sure the people who know me know that, and the readers of my blog could actually tell what kind of person am I in that sense.

I wanted to know her inside out. And I felt like she wanted that too. No it is not out of arrogance, but you have to live it to see it. I lived it. I felt it, I just did!

Still in February, and my birthday was almost a week away. Sitting at home after finishing my assignments, I logged on my ICQ, after suffering for hours trying to connect to the World Wide Web – those dial-up days when we used to depend on accounts and passwords of people we didn't know just to log on that technological world they call the internet. Damn the internet was so expensive back then it was crazy!

Lots of people were online. People who mean a lot to me, and people who don't even like me, they just pretended to. Conversations started here and there, and suddenly I find a message from a tall blue-eyed girl that I know through the November girl (the girl who held that birthday party). I knew her since years, and her brother even used to play ball with me. A very nice girl, we never talked much, and never seen each other much too. Last time I saw her was a week before that day online. And till that day I haven't met her or even know her whereabouts. I will call her 'Tall:

Tall: Sherrrrifffff!

Zeek: Hey hey hey, how have you been? It was good seeing you the other day in university!

Tall: Yah same here! Such a small university it is though. Lol

Zeek: Tell me about it! Especially that I had spent my first year abroad in a very huge one, so I feel the difference more than anyone in it. Haha. What were you doing there anyway, are you applying for next year?

Tall: Not really, I was there to see a friend of mine who just entered this semester. She is still new to all this, and I thought I'd go support her and cheer her up since she has no friends as they're all still in school.

Zeek: Ah ok, well don't worry about her, she will be fine, we all get that shock at the beginning.

Tall: I am sure. She is with me now, why don't you tell her that yourself. :)

Zeek: I have to go out now really, but hey just tell her not to worry about it.

Back home after a very nice outing with my friends that started with us playing a football game and doing lots of running and tackling, and ended with us watching a football game on TV with lots of shisha being smoked and food being swallowed. I log on ICQ, and suddenly I find a friend request coming my way, and as my eyes read that name, one of my eyebrows went straight right above the other in a kinky way. I will call her Nana, which I might explain later why I like calling her that:

Zeek: Hello there

Nana: Hello Sherif.

Zeek: 'How are you? Who are you? What are you doing in university?'

Nana: I am fine. I am just a normal person, don't worry I don't have superpowers and I don't bite. I started university this semester.

Zeek: Shouldn't you be in high school?

Nana: Well I finished my studies earlier than my class, and therefore had the chance to go in a semester early. I am still 16, very young I know, but don't worry I am not a nerd.

Zeek: Haha.

Nana: What are you laughing at?

Zeek: I also finished my high school earlier than my friends, and enrolled to university a semester before they join. I entered university at the age of 15. Now I am 17, but very soon I will be 18.

Nana: Wow, that's impressive, I guess you are a nerd then, unlike me :p

Zeek: Not really, I am just lucky.

Nana: Anyway I will be 17 soon myself.

Zeek: Oh cool, so are you a Pisces or what?

Nana: Yup. And you?

Zeek: Same. Beginning or mid March are you?

Nana: Actually Mr. Smart guy, end of Feb.

Zeek: Really? Let me have a guess then, there are 7 days left for the month to be over. I am sure your birthday isn't tomorrow or after, because you would have said so. Therefore it is on 24, 25, 26, 27 or 28. Unless you are born on the 29th which means you won't be celebrating anything this year. Haha

Nana: You're smart. So which day do you think my birthday is on?

Zeek: I go for the 28th.

Nana: You're smart, but not 'that' smart. 26th of February.

Zeek: Huh? What? You got to be kidding me!

Nana: Why?

Zeek: Why? You're asking me why? Don't you know why?

Nana: No, I really don't. I am sorry if it is a bad day for you, or if it reminds you of something or someone unpleasant.

Zeek: No no, it is just weird.

At the moment in time I didn't know how to react. Question marks started arising again and again. I even checked her personal information profile and double checked the date, because I thought it is a prank. I thought she logged on my information and wanted to have a laugh, but the day was clearly stated in black font, so black that I still remember how it looked!

Nana: Why is it weird?

Zeek: Check my birth date.

Nana: Ok wait a second.

Zeek: Take your time.

Nana: Ok, so is it bad to share the same date with you?

Zeek: At all, it is just unique. I just never thought about it. Anyway never mind, it is good after all. At least I am going to wish someone a Happy Birthday on my birthday for the first time in my life.

Nana: Me too, I never met anyone who is born on the same day.

26^th of February 2001:

Some people do not enjoy their birthdays. They even complain about it, and wish it never comes. I never understood them. People are supposed to be happy. They are supposed to be smiling. It is your birthday, I mean it is a day that people who surrounds you make you feel special, even if they are faking it, even if they look down on you, they'll still make you feel special. It is a day when you are loved and hugged by everyone, how can you not like it?!

It was 7 in the morning, and I woke up early 2 hours before my first class. After a beautiful shower, and a nice cup of tea with my shisha, I landed in university at 8:30, a little bit before my class. There was a little kiosk just on the corner of the street, where students used to buy chocolates and cigarettes from, and even just go hang beside it, with no specific reason to be there actually. Amongst the reasons students used to go out from university and cross the street to buy from there was the fact that prices inside the university cafeteria were more expensive. The owner of that kiosk was a lady, who was well-known to all students, and to everyone in that street. She was a landmark to the whole area. She had a very loud voice, and a weird sense of humor. I rarely used to joke with her, yet I always listened to what she had to say. I rarely used to buy stuff from there anyway, since I am not someone who lives on chips, chocolates, fizzy drinks and cigarettes. It has been almost a year for me without cigarettes, a record that lasted for 5 years which I later broke in 2005 before quitting eternally on 17^th of March 2006.

But I don't know why did I decide to go say hi to her that morning, maybe because it was my birthday and I wanted to make someone else smile, even if she wouldn't care less about it, and definitely thinking about it now, I don't think that lady ever knew whom I was. I am just one of her customers, not even a loyal one; I am just a random face that generates her profit, just like many others. The fact that I only said HI and left makes me even of less significance to her as I am not buying anything at the end of the day. The lady never replied to me that day, as if I never existed. It just assured me more that sellers do not care about building relationships, but only care about selling. If I buy then she is my biggest fan, if I don't then I am an ode to no one.

As I turned to face the empty street that is packed with students coming in and out of university I find someone standing right infront of me. She was so close to me, close to the fact that I couldn't lift up my arm or else I will hit her.

Nana: Happy Birthday!

Zeek: Happy Birthday to you I shall say! How do you feel today?

Nana: I am good, and you?

Zeek: Very good actually, very funny that the first person I speak to face to face this morning is someone who celebrates her birthday too.

What do you want my lady? The woman in the shop asked.

I never realised that she was here to buy something, that's why she was standing so close to me. I felt awkward and decided I would just leave her to finish her stuff, and therefore wished her a marvelous day and left.

April 2001:

It was a very crowded day in university. April was always a busy time, never knew why really. But it has always been like that all my life. A very crowded month. Coming out of the university bathroom, walking slowly towards my class, was very tired the day I remember, and as a student walking, you do have to blend with all sorts of people, they are always on your way, and you just can't avoid them. It never bothered me; I love people, all types and races.

Here she was, sitting on that same little stair steps, but this time she wasn't alone. A guy I knew was sitting right next to her, and they just looked as if they were arguing. I didn’t know the guy. I only knew his full name, where he lives, what's his major, which school did he attend, and what are his hobbies. I even know some of the girls he dated, and his favourite football team, which is full of crap if you ask me. But still I didn't know him. You can even count the number of times we ever spoke on your little hands. The reason I'm saying 'little hands' is because I tend to think that I have big hands, as I rarely met people with hands like mine. They can have big hands, but mine are always bigger, therefore I label other hands as little.

I was bothered by that incident. I don't know why but it just bothered me. I felt she needed some help, but what am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to react?

I just walked away.

October 2001:

A year has passed since we first met. 1 month has passed since I've had my severe leg operation. A year to go for graduation. Manchester United started the season on a high but results started to decline. Almost 3 weeks left before my huge afro gets all shaved off. I rarely attended my classes that semester, as I was exempted because I could barely move. I had pins installed throughout my right leg, and even when I used to go to university it was for very short periods that never lasted long.

On my way out that day, I decided to go to the library; I wanted to borrow a book concerning political and humanitarian intervention. I didn't have any free time to read any sort of book; I didn't even know when I will start to do that anyway. But I just felt like getting one. Yet as I approached the library, I suddenly decided that I won't be getting anything. I turned around and started heading back out of the university, but this time I took another route, there was a gate on the other side of the block, and in the 3 years I spent studying there, I only took that route once, which was that day. I don’t know why did I go out from there, but I just felt like it.

On a very far corner, there she was standing. I couldn't see her face but I knew it. She seemed very concerned, or let's say very uncomfortable. Again she wasn't alone, she was accompanied by that guy who is best friends with the guy she was sitting beside last April. The guy used to cheer for the wrong football teams just like his friend, except his local team which is similar to mine, still it doesn't make his taste any better. He was a very good goalkeeper too. He used to be with me in class when we were little kids. I even know the cartoons he liked to watch back then. We never talked since childhood, and never really wanted to talk, even when we used to cross paths – we still tried to avoid talking. No specific reason, but sometimes it is clear when you realise that someone doesn't want to deal with you. And I always felt that. One time though before graduation, I was going up the stairs and he was coming down and there was no one else in the building. It felt like a drama in the theatre, with the spotlights are all pointed towards us and the audience are all watching a very important scene; silence was in the air. I looked and said HI, and he replied instantly saying HI Sherif. We never talked since then, and I don’t know why I said HI that day, all I know was that I just had collected my Econometrics grade, and I was very happy.

For the second time I got bothered. And this time I didn't walk away, I just stood and watched. I made sure they won't see me, and thinking about it now, there's no way they would have seen me even if I was standing between them, because they seemed very serious and the more I watched, the longer their argument was getting.

She had her hands on her face. She was crying non-stop. I moved from where I was standing, and started getting closer. As much as I was bothered, as much as I felt helpless and there was no reason for me to go closer, because I only got bothered more as I was now able to see her tears. It is just never nice to see someone crying, even if you don't know the person, it is just something unpleasant. On the news or in the street, it is never nice when someone cries. You could be crying for any reason and happy about it, but someone watching you would never know why you are crying, and therefore it irritates the viewer.

I could have waited till tomorrow standing in my place, but I chose to leave, not because I was bothered, but thinking about it - who am I to her anyway? Who is she to me nevertheless? We are just 2 people born on the same day. We just have some friends in common that I don't see much of anyway, except Hody who first introduced me to her, but still never did I see him hang with her.

Yes there is something about her, I am sure about that. I am sure till this moment, and as my fingers are now pressing the keyboard buttons; I am sure there is something about her. I am sure there is galvanizing aura about her and a sensational type of atmosphere surrounding her. I am positive that she popped into my life for a specific and a precise reason. I didn't know what it was, and I didn't know if I will ever find out, but all I knew at the time is that I will never find out now. All I knew is that I had to leave now. I just have to go.

And so I did.

April 2005:

Along with 3 of my friends, we all decided to travel for 4 days to Alexandria because the whole country was off for Easter vacation and it was also very appealing for me because I love Alexandria. I love going there any time in the year. I love the weather, the people, the scenery, the less-crowded streets, and the night walks you can have without ever getting tired. I was also changing jobs, and I needed to relax for a bit before starting a new one, with more stress, and more pressure.

This trip witnessed the legendary 'Attack of the Bunny Bun Bunz' quote which was shouted by the infamous Kane. During this trip I also saw an Egyptian identical twin to the Manchester United player John O'shea. The whole trip was very weird, yet it was full of laughs. I travelled before with each one of them alone, but this was the first time we 4 travel together, and was the first time these 3 people spend actually more than 5 hours together in one place. One of those guys; The Genius was present in an earlier trip with me and Kiki but he never really spent time with us as he was always out with his girlfriend, but this time we were all stuck together.

The Hi5 was the most famous site in the world back then, and we all had accounts on it. It was something new to us Egyptians – this whole networking web life. It was also very good in the sense that I found people I've last seen years back, and lost touch with, so it was spectacular to revive them again.

I was still very new to it, and I was browsing with glow in my eyes (I always get that glow just like a little kid whenever I am on something new). Going through profiles of friends so I can find who is common, my eyes glowed more and more.

I found her.

Sometimes you find what you are looking for, even if you are not looking for it. I haven't seen her for over 3 years, and I was never reminded of her during that time, even on my birthday, which she shares with me. I never wondered what's going on in her life or anything. Since that day in university when I just left her crying, I never looked back. I knew there was a reason behind her popping into my life, even if I couldn't figure it out, I just knew it – but I never looked back, and I never tried to, because everything falls into place one day or the other. And that night on Hi5, they just did.

I automatically clicked on her profile, and added her. As I was doing so, all the memories written above came back to life. All the recollections were shelved. She had only one picture displayed. A picture that revealed those features I first saw 5 years ago perfectly. A picture that elaborated beauty, or let me say; natural beauty. I wasn't just looking at the picture, but I was looking through it. It was a black & white picture with her face pointing downwards and her eyes glittering. She was wearing an ice cap and a long pullover that even her hands weren't showing. She had one hand on her shoulder, that's why I noticed. She was also wearing large rounded earrings that made her look more angelic.

I wanted to read her profile; I wanted to see what is written down there. It was a very short one I have to admit, but I learnt that we share some of the interests, i.e. (Queen and The Beatles). She liked The Butterfly Effect, no no no, this is what she wrote I remember 'Loved The Butterfly Effect'. She was also fond of Denzel Washington and his movies, especially 'Man on Fire'. Couldn't believe my eyes when I found Mr. Bean listed under her favourtie TV shows, which put different smiles on my face, smiles that you only get when you are thrilled.

I decided to send her a message, I didn't know what to write, but I couldn’t care less, because words always flow. And she replied. After a week; the first page of my inbox was almost full of messages from her. It was clear that she wanted to talk to me as much as I wanted to talk to her. We may have different lives, different friends, and different ideologies, yet there was a bond, a special bond that only we two know about. We know it but we cannot explain it.

The Hi5 messages suddenly evolved to msn chatting, and even though she rarely used to log online but it was always prosperous. Her nickname was the title of an amazing movie starring Jodie Foster, a movie that I really enjoyed as a kid - and I later realised that she has never seen the movie.

Are all these coincidences?

November - December 2005:

Do you know when you are destined to meet someone? When we started talking back in April, we did talk a lot, on other times we talked briefly, but still it just wasn't the right time to meet. Neither of us asked or proposed to meet, even though we could have met, and yes we both wanted that, but we subconsciously delayed it, without even bringing up the subject.

'Coffee tonight?' was what she sent me, and literally those 2 words have been what she used to send me later on whenever she wanted to meet, and I admit that I really liked the question; short and precise. I never told her that, but I used it myself whenever I wanted to see her – 'Coffee tonight?'

This was it, we are finally meeting!

After 5 years, the time has come. Usually the first time 2 people meet, especially with a story like ours, is not a situation you are used to be in often; but it was more of a grand adventure. The adventure you have been probably waiting for, and the adventure you will always remember, no matter how old you get or how different you can become.

I picked her up and we went to that place in Maadi. That is the place we went to most, the more we went out. Maybe because it was the first place that witnessed us together sitting face to face and actually talking together. As you know, that first place always stands out. Maybe because it was just new and nice, I don't know – but it was definitely comfortable. The place was divided into 2 parts (both indoor and outdoor), and we always sat indoors in the warm, on the same specific little table near the window. There were little cushions that we sat on. One time that table was occupied and we had to sit outside, I remember we weren't pretty happy about it, but my yellow sweatshirt made her smile that day, and of course the topics we talked about put more smiles on her face. Tea with mint and hot chocolate were definitely our favourite drinks, and the more I got to know her, I realised how we are so in common. I was very happy to know such an amazing person. A person that is actually unbelievable.

We were alone most of the time, and we never got bored - like never got bored. One time, Kane was present. They have been good friends since, I guess. On another occasion a friend of her joined, who actually lived close to that place we used to hang in. She was an interesting character, at least in my eyes. She grew up in Australia, and was here for university. She was also engaged to that guy that she talked a lot about, and at the same time she felt homesick because she was living all by herself. I felt that she is lonely, even with all her stories and all but she seemed unhappy with how her life was going. I never met her again, but I saw a picture later for her in a wedding dress, but her husband was cropped out. I wonder why someone would crop his significant other from the picture. It is not cute is it?

Nana lives near my house, and Maadi was like 30 minutes away, so as much as we enjoyed the stories during the outings, as much as we also enjoyed the laughs in the car. Nana was one of the many nicknames she had, and the one I liked most, along with 'Piggy'. She once told me that she was very fat during her school days and her friends used to call her Ms. Piggy and it irritated her. I made her listen to a lot of my music, and I believe she got on well with it. One time on our way back there was a street dog barking in the corner of a street, and she pointed and shouted with a pleasurable voice 'Oh Doggy. Awww'. I burst in laughter because I really liked how you can be very serious like politicians when having a discussion and minutes later you turn comical. It felt like I am seeing another version of my character. It was delighting. Really exciting.

Again she doesn't know, that since that day every single time I see a dog and I want to pull a joke, I say with my finger pointed 'Oh Doggy. Awww'.

Another incident took place on our way back. A lot of funny incidents used to take place on our way back, and I alwyas found it enchanting because the funnier the ending, the better it always gets. I had my car parked in a garage, and after we left the place, and went to the car, I didn't know how to drive out of there. We literally spent like an hour trying to get my car out and we kept failing every time. It is not that I am a bad driver, which yes I am, but it really wasn’t the case. It was just too complicated. The whole garage architecture was wrongly done, and there were many poles, and my car couldn't find a space to turn and go out. I still don't know how we managed to get out that day.

We went to that place one time beside her house, and Kiki came for a bit. I didn't know they took courses together back in university. She was telling him all about her job. She was a teacher by the way. He was telling me how smart she was back in university, and at that moment I remembered our first ICQ conversation in which she defensively argued that she is not a nerd.

Good old days.

She has an older sister and a younger brother. Between brothers and sisters, there is usually someone who stands out, someone who pulls the strings together, and someone whom others look up to. Between the 3 of them, it was clear to me that she was the one leading the flock. She was the one they depended on, and she was the one who could handle pressure.

Her sister was engaged to a guy who loves her deeply. They were both in love with each other. It was very nice and cute. They were still in university, and I remember us going that day to university to sit with them as her sister was helping her fiancé with his graduation project. We kind of had an argument on our way back, as she noticed I wasn't in the greatest of moods, and I explained why – and she really understood where I was coming from. Sometimes I felt she would never understand me, and later on I was proved otherwise. She used to tell me not to believe everything a girl says, and maybe that's why I never knew when was she serious and when was she blabbering.

Blabbering – that's her favourite word. If I exchange every time she mentioned that word with a penny, I would be living in a mansion now, and thinking about it, I could even end up buying one of those white expensive dogs just for the sake of it. Again she doesn't know that I use that word ever since she introduced me to it. I say it when I feel like saying it, and it actually feels nice.

I remember one time she was out with some friends in that place and she texts me in the middle telling me that she just can't take it, and how she feels so out of place. She was not having a good time at all, and I automatically picked her up and took her to a very nice place just to let her end the night on a good note.

I also logged on Hi5 to write her a testimonial, and when I checked that thing called 'fives' - which is like a sort of a present someone sends you, I found a present from my brother!! My brother sent her a 'five' telling her she is cute. What is funny is that he didn't know her, and she didn't know he is my brother. I still remember what I wrote her:

Never thought that people born on the same day have many similar traits and experienced similar breathtaking situations like both of us did. Nana, we may not be the best of people out there, and to add to that, many people think that both of us are only here to cause misery. Yet, I thank you for being the person you are right now. Piggy is still the code name, and yes YOU are a siki miki!

You are probably wondering what is 'siki miki' - I wish I knew myself. Again she introduced me to it. I used to always tell her you are a siki miki, it represented something fragile and fluffy in my head. She never told me if I was right though.

Another night we went out to a completely different place on the other side of town, which we only went to once. I was wearing my Puma sweater and an orange ice cap. As much as that Friday was insignificant as much as we knew how to make every outing better than the one before it. One of the interesting things we talked about that night was how did her interview in that tobacco company go, and she was telling me how she told them that she likes 'blood' and probably because of that, she won't get the job. I was sure she would land it, and she later did. Another guy was competing for that vacancy, and I remember how it was a funny story that they both went down together after finishing the interview and he had a driver waiting for him and going down to open the backdoor for him, whilst she just stopped a cab. It might sound silly but she talked about it in a way that made me laugh so much I kept making fun of that guy for a whole week.

We weren't trying hard, we weren't actually trying anything. All we did was being ourselves, and the surge was constantly flowing. If both of us were a CD record, we would have definitely sat on top of the charts. We knew how to enjoy ourselves not because we wanted to, neither because we knew how and nor because we felt like it. We enjoyed ourselves because this is what was meant to be. When you are born rich, you never ask yourself why – because this is your destiny.

That was ours.

Wednesday 7th of December 2005:

Manchester United is playing away to Benfica in the last game of the Champions League group stage. We only had to draw to qualify to the next round. We always qualified; we are the biggest team in the world.

I picked her up, wearing all my Manchester United apparel, and she was wearing black. It was my first time to see her in black. It really suited her, and made her blue eyes sparkle. But I don’t know why I felt that she shouldn’t wear black that night. I even joked that if Manchester United lost, it will be a black day in their history and I will blame her for wearing black and for actually brining me bad luck.

I took her to a sports café that was packed with all football fans, girls and boys, it was a new place back then but now I wouldn’t set foot in that place, it is disgusting. We were accompanied by the one and only K back then.

We lost the game 2-1 and we crashed out of Europe. It was a black day in history, and as much as I was devastated, still I was enjoying my time. Enjoying her company, and this was the first time, or maybe the only time that I felt there is 'life' after football. Mind you, football is larger than life, but that night – it didn’t matter if we had lost or won.

Mid December 2005:

We went to the movies only once, and this time 3 of her friends came along. This was the first time we ever consist of 5 in an outing. It was our 2^nd largest outing. We went to see 'The Exorcism of Emily Rose', which we both really liked but she got really scared I remember. The 3 people consisted of a friend of mine, who was dating her best friend and another guy that they all knew except me. My friend was working in that tobacco company; he was the one who got her that job interview in the first place. It also turned out that the other guy who was interviewed with her (the one who had a driver waiting for him) was married to my friend's sister. Anyway, it was good catching up with my friend; we were very close back in school. We were in the same class in two different schools, and majored Economics in the same university, that's how close we were. I will never forget our football matches, and the random trips, and how he was loved by the girls when he first came to school and they used to come tell me to hook them up with him, and all the pranks we pulled on other fellow students. It was really good to see him. His girlfriend seemed to be very attached to him. On the other hand he seemed to be in too much control. But what mattered really, is that they both seemed very happy. I've been seeing a lot of her lately; she goes to the same place I hang in; playing cards with people who again cheer for the wrong football teams. We don't talk though. We both know that we are there, but we just don't talk. Just like the 2 guys I talked about earlier. With them, we knew each other but we just chose not to talk, but in her case, we knew each other because of someone, and when that someone is not there, there is practically no reason for us to talk, especially that we only sat together for like 3 times, so it doesn't make us friends. We are friends on Facebook though, if that ever counts.

The largest outing Nana & I were in was during her friend's birthday. I bump into that friend of hers a lot lately, as we have lots of common friends. She is a very nice person, and she is engaged to someone I really love even though I don't know him much, but when we meet, we make sure to make those few minutes as friendly as ever. During that birthday, I was wearing my blue Manchester United jersey; it was the first time for me to wear it. We were sitting next to each other, and this outing and the cinema were not only the largest outings we were in, but also the only outings we both sat next to each other, as we mainly sat right infront of one another the rest of the times. The birthday girl had our picture taken, and this was the only picture we ever took together. Nana never sent it to me. I don't even know if she has it herself or not. We had a great time. Probably the best time we ever endured. It was probably the icing on the cake. After that outing, I was very happy. Very happy from inside and so content to a scary extent.

Scarier than you would ever imagine.

The End.

No, not the end of the post - but the end of a chronicle that was so great, that could have been so much greater. After that perfect night, I started thinking. I am not usually someone who thinks about tomorrow. I never thought about what comes next in life. I always dealt with most of the aspects in life day by day. I've been making my own money for 6 years now and I never saved a penny. I always spend what I get, and when I save, I make sure I spend it in a certain trip or on a certain something I want, which are the reasons why I was actually saving for in the first place. I have so many credit card debts that I don't know how will I pay back, and whenever I come close to settle the accounts, I flood them more. Basically why I am listing all this, just to make you realise who I am.

Back as a kid, when I used to cheat on my girl. I never thought about the consequences of cheating. I never calculated the outcomes if she ever finds out. I always did what I wanted to do, and stopped what I wanted to stop. As long as I liked something, I will proceed with it. From food, to clothes, to anything that pleases me. And I really liked Nana, I was so sure of it, and for the first time in my life probably - I sat back and started to think about tomorrow. I was so happy that this girl is in my life, and I wanted no more. I only wanted to see her, and to know her - no one else, only her. I thought about everything that night, because at that certain point, this person was the most important person in my life, and I wanted her to continue being so. I don’t know what we were. Are we just friends, or good friends? Were we dating or were we potentially hooking up? All I knew is that she is the most important person in my life at the time, and I just couldn’t hurt her. I was old enough then to know right from wrong.

What's the problem then? I was happy, and so was she. Why am I making a big fuss about it?

I didn't want to hurt her. I didn't want to lie. I didn't want to make her change her perception and the image she has for me.

I wrote her an email after I disappeared for 3 whole days, and it felt very right back then, yet very wrong when I think about it now. I don't know what was I thinking when I wrote her that.

Dear Nana;

You might find me crazy or insane. I don't know how to explain the following and that's why I will just be honest with you because this is what we agreed on from the beginning, 'Honesty' and I guess I was always honest with you from the moment we started talking back in April.

The past 3 days, I've been thinking heavily about everything in my life, starting from work, family, life, relationships, the way I think, etc... and I discovered that I am not only lost but I am very irresponsible in many aspects considering my life. Yes I was always a loser in certain things, but I always looked up for something, and it's been exactly almost 2 years now
where I am not being my old-self in many things. I don't know how to explain this but I am sure you know where I am coming from.

The past 3 days I wasn't just ignoring you, and I know that was not right and sometimes I do things which seem disrespectful to the person even though it is not in my intentions to do so at all. This is just me, when I am off mood
and thinking, I just like to be alone. Apart from being at the ahwa sitting for 7 consecutive hours, I felt like 10 years passed away that day, just sitting, people coming and people leaving and I am just there thinking of what happened to my life and where do I stand and above all, am I on the right path?

The thing is, we are both getting attached and attached to each other every passing day and that's why it isn't easy for me to say all this, but as I
said, I was honest with you all the time, and there was always respect and trust between us. I could have easily ignored this and treated you the same way I always did, but I will hurt you more that way. I am fed up with always hurting people when my intentions are always good and clear. If you were in my place, you'd have met up with me and told me all these details face to face, but I know myself more than anyone and that's why I feel more comfortable that way sending you this mail.

Switching off my phone might sound a bit immature but this is the thing, I am not the bravest one out there. I wanted to have peace with myself and for me, this was the best solution. I know I might be going into minor and useless details in your eyes, but you know me, I always talk so much, and above all, I always felt comfortable with you, and that's why I hope you understand.

I've lost and hurt many people in my life, but when I think of it, it is me who is hurt and I am the one who is lost more than anyone. I need guidance in my life, and I wish I can get it right for once in my life. I thought a lot before sending this email, and as much as you are beautiful in every way, as much as I need peace and harmony with myself. I don't want you to ever think that you are causing me insecurity or disturbing my existence,
not at all. I never lied to you and never intended to and that's why I am opening up. This isn't boredom, because you told me to tell you when the boredom kicks in. This is basically a guy who messed up many things in his life before, and wants to change. The timing was wrong. I am just letting go of many things in my life. I won't do that to please certain people, on the
contrary, I will let go of things that might hurt people but it will make me a better person in my own eyes.

Take care of yourself. I hope you understand.

Sherif.

Back then, it seemed as the right thing to me. Nothing else made sense, and I admit that it was the worst decision I have ever made. I am not saying that maybe this is the worst thing I did, I am affirming myself that this is THE WORST thing I did. I am never ashamed to admit my mistakes, or else I wouldn’t have inserted that email here, which makes me look like a wuss, but as I mentioned before – this blog is about me. It is about my life, and I am a human, just like you - a human with accomplishments, with disappointments, with triumphs, and with regrets.

January 2006:

I never thought how angered and infuriated she would be. A month has passed since that email. Sometimes you never realise how angry someone is, till you make a call and hear the voice. A month has passed with no communication whatsoever. I was right under her work - she was working in the tobacco company now which is located near the biggest mall in Egypt. I had an event related to my work in the mall, and I found out that I am probably spending the whole day there. I gave her a call, and she answered. She could have just not answered and ignored, but she did answer. Her tone was normal, and she didn't stutter, but she was full of rage. You can't ask me how I found out. After all what I wrote, and how close I feel about her, you just can't come now and question how I knew or how I felt it. But she was. She hated me. The one person I never wanted to be loathed by is hating me like she never despised anyone before. She hates me more than all the people that hurt her when she was a little kid. She hated me more than that guy who made her cry in the middle of university. I was so sure of that, I could feel it in her voice, being transmitting through the mobile, entering my ears and electrifying my body cells. I told her to pass by if she wanted, maybe we would have 'coffee'. She said sure. She never showed up. She never called. She never sent a message saying she wouldn't make it. Nothing.

Nothing at all.

At that moment in time, I knew that I lost her. I knew it.

The reason I called her in the first place was because I told her in the email that I need to make amends with myself, and I did, and I wanted to sit and share with her everything I had on my mind. I wanted to tell her what I have reached and concluded. I was very comfortable calling her, because she replied to my email on the same day saying that she is here for me if I ever need anything, and she was very understanding, that's why I never thought she would be angry.

It is only then when I realised, that she told me before 'never to believe what a girl says' - and everything started making sense now in my mind, and how that email she sent me didn't have any truth behind it.

I could have called her again, and made sure to meet up afterwards so I can tell her everything, but something in me told me not to. Just like 6 years ago we never tried getting to know each other, even though we had all the tools to but we didn’t. Just like last April, when we waited for 7 months before we can meet up in November. I just felt that we shouldn’t communicate for now.

February 2006:

10 days after not showing up, she suddenly sends me a message asking me if I know someone who wants to sell an iPod. And she was lucky, because The Genius wanted to sell one of his iPods. I informed him and they talked, they met, and the deal was sealed.

Not even a Thank You message. I never looked for one. And I didn't expect one. I was just reassured that I am dealing with someone else.

Another 10 days passed. While sitting with the guys at night, enjoying our useless conversations, and suddenly out of the blue:

The Genius: By the way, your friend who bought the iPod has a nice sense of humor.

Zeek: Yes, I know. Why what happened?

The Genius: Well, I got a message today morning on my mobile saying 'This is my new number.' And there wasn't any signature to it. I replied by asking 'Who is this?' and she sent me saying 'Me, the iPod girl'.

He started laughing in a stupid way. He has a terrible laugh that can make you hate laughing, and he just launched it. I can still hear that laugh in my ears.

I smiled, and everything was back to normal.

Except one thing.

She sent my friend whom she doesn't even know; she doesn’t know his full name and only got to know him through me so she can buy an iPod! She sends him her new number, yet she ignored me. Ok, fair enough, she changed her number and she doesn't want me in her life anymore I get that, but why would she send my friend her number?!! He sold her something, just like the grocery guy or the pizza delivery man gets you something. You would rarely meet him again, why would you give him your number?! Was she trying to pass me a message through him? Was she sure that he was going to open up the subject with me and make me feel unwanted? Knowing her, she wouldn't think of all this. That's so not her. But the same could have been said about her not showing up 2 weeks before, and not sending a Thank You message earlier. It wasn't the girl I knew and dealt with. So since she acted weird twice in a short time, then why not wouldn't I think that she did plot for all this? I bumped into her two days later in the stadium, and she said HI in a very blurry way. I was almost sure back then that I am 'pathetic' in her eyes.

I was assured at the end of the month. After my birthday by 2 days, or let's say 'our birthday'.

I got a message from an unknown number:

Hey, can you send me Kane's number? I am interested in buying his Polo car.

Zeek: Who is this?

It is me, Nana. Sorry I changed my number.

'And then she said the worst thing ever'

I sent a message to everyone, but I probably missed out your name.

Huh? What? Missed out my name??? You send a message to a guy you barely know, and you miss out on my name? Ok, when you clicked on his name, and he even replied to you afterwards, didn't your mind hit you that this anonymous guy is my friend and then you should have said to yourself 'oh, I forgot to send my number to Sherif.'

You could have also said that you sent me the message, and it probably didn't get delivered. I wouldn't have believed you then, but at least it would have made a difference, don't you think? But telling me that you missed my name, just assured me that you know quite well what you were doing. I don't know if you were trying to get back at me, or if you wanted to prove something. The reason doesn't matter.

May 2006:

Sitting with my girlfriend back then and another 2 friends of mine in the place where I usually hang in and still hang in till this day. My girlfriend was playing with her new iPod that I got her earlier that month for her birthday. I think girls love iPods, don't know why though. Anyway, she was suddenly showing me some of the pictures on that machine, and suddenly I find a picture that I was astonished to find. I find that picture that was taken more than 5 months ago during a majestic night that I want to revive.

The only picture we both ever had is now on my girlfriend's iPod!!!

The picture was very colourful. It was at night, but very colourful. We had matching colours, even though they weren't the same. We looked very happy, very comfortable, and very satisfied. We were at ease. I can still see this picture clearly infront of me, even though that was the only time I see it.

I started laughing. How did you get this I questioned her? Nouran, the name of her best friend is also best friends with the birthday girl, who sent her that picture. She thought she'd share it with me. I was pleased she did. I don't know why I never asked her to send me the picture. Just like at Magdy's wedidng 2 months later, I used her camera, and more than 70 pictures were taken, and I never took off the pictures from it. Briefly after the summer was over, so was our relationship, and of course you can kiss my friend's wedding pictures goodbye, let alone that picture which I will never forget.

Maybe not asking her to send me the pictures draws more sense about my character, which I described earlier, by not thinking about tomorrow, or about the consequences. I don't plan for backups.

My girl never asked me who the girl in the photo was. I am sure she knew. I am sure she knew what she meant to me. She was very understanding in that sense, and very different than many of the girls I dealt with, as she respected my thoughts and never really cared about discussing my past.

She is pregnant now, or that's what I have heard. She got married soon after we broke up. They all get married in July, in the heart of the summer. I wish her the best, I really do. She never harmed me and I wish her well. She is the only girl that never popped in my life after the day our relationship ended. She never called or sent a message. I didn’t even run into her anywhere, it is like she never existed. Really that never happened before in my life, and I am sure any couple who dated never experienced it too. Situations like these prefer to happen to me. Only me.

June 2006:

I was browsing on Hi5, which I still thank till this day for brining her back into my life, even if things didn't turn out well later on, even if she is not in it anymore - but as much as I regret what I did with that email I sent, as much as I wouldn't let go of any of those memories I shared from April till November, and from November till December. I would never sell those, for all the money in the world.

So I decided to check her profile. She had new pictures, one of them with her cute sister while holding a laptop. Another was on top of a mountain, and she was freezing, with most of her face covered. Another was with 2 of her friends, one of them is the one who came with us to the movies - the same one I see now but we don't talk. The other girl was also with us in university, and coincidently joined me at work 3 months ago. The picture was taken at this place during FIFA World Cup 2006; they were pretty much enjoying the match, even though none of them likes football in the first place. It never crossed my mind to send her a message to check up on her.

Just like back in university when I walked away after seeing her crying, I decided that I will walk away again now, but what was different this time, is that, before - I knew she carries around a certain message to me. But now I had already known the message, and I let her slip.

December 2006:

When you create a Facebook account, all your contacts on msn messenger automatically gets added to your friends' list. At the beginning, the website asks you if you want to write down how you and your friend know each other, if you went together to the same school, traveled together or even got married. When she joined the website, she was automatically added as my friend, and I had to put the details of how we both know each other. It is not a must to put details. And I didn't even know what will I add, but I did. Here is what I said. It is what I felt:

'We hooked up. It was Fun, Funny and Flashy'

And the request was sent to her. I have to say that I was eagerly anticipating how she would respond. And I had hopes in me that she would be her normal self. To be that girl who used to tell me how great she cooks. To be that girl who kept asking me about my mother when I rushed her to the hospital. I wanted her to be that girl I once knew. I wanted her to be that girl who once had a small Kodak envelope and kept playing with it till she transformed it into a small boat before giving it to me, and that boat has been in my black wallet ever since. To be that girl who was telling me that she already figured out what she was getting me for my birthday - a Manchester United thingy, that she was about to order from the internet. To be that girl whom I really felt responsible for after one night when I was sitting with my friends at 2 in the morning and I find my phone ringing and it turns out to be her mother who asked me if her daughter is out with me, and I told her that last I heard was that she is out with her sister and fiancé and told her mom not to worry. That night I felt I own the whole world in my hands. For the girl to leave my number with her mother just proved to me how much she trusts me. How much she counts on me.

All of this was special. Every bit of it. And believe it or not because of all that responsibility, because her value was out of reach, that's why I didn’t want to ruin things, and that's why I banned myself from the world just to think, and that's wht I sent that awkward email. Yes I do regret sending it, but at the same time, I knew that when I sent it, I was doing so because it was the right thing to do.

Not so long did I find a new message in my inbox from her, and it was like a wakeup call - that girl will never be the same again. I knew that the girl I hoped to be her normal self, is not going to be the same again:

'Hooked Up??? You sent me a very long email, that I recall saying something about disturbing your existence' what!! You didn't even respect me as a friend, how can you say we even hooked up!! I don't have any hard feelings, but I feel that I wasn't respected as a friend. Put yourself in my shoes?'

Of course I replied, and I explained my point of view, and we decided to meet up. We met 2 days later, on the 18th of December 2006. This time I didn't pick her up. We both had our own rides, not only because she was driving now, but pretty much to tell you how bizarre it would have felt if I picked her. It just wasn’t the same.

We met in a place we never went to together before, and we never really liked. We talked and talked and talked. I told her everything on my mind back then. I told her why I sent that email. I told her what I felt about her weird behaviour afterwards. I was basically doing all the talking, and she was just listening. I never felt she understood me that night. I never felt she even tried to. Sometimes I wonder why we met in the first place if she wasn't going to consider what I had to say. At least my conscience was clear. I let it all out that night. I was so revealed. We left the place and I walked her to her Chevrolet Aveo car, and watched her getting in and observed her starting the engine and driving till she got out of sight.

That was the last time we met. Exactly 2 years ago.

2007 - Present:

Several months later I heard that her brother just got into college and he had a problem with some of the security guards. During summer of 2007 I heard that her sister got married, and I sent her a message, and she replied. She also told me that she changed jobs, and to my amazement, she was now working in a company that I will be handling a football project for, and I was basically the Project Manager. I left the company less than a month afterwards. It seems like I wasn't destined to see her.

3 months ago (September 2008) as I mentioned earlier a good friend of hers joined the company (the one who was with her in the picture that I saw in June during FIFA World Cup 2006), but we never talked about Nana. I don't even know if her friend knows about what we shared. I heard her friend one time in the office talking to someone over the phone and mentioning Nana, and her sister's name. I knew she was talking about Nana. A week later Kane comes and tell me that she called him up a few days back to catch up.

Seven days after, on Friday 12th of December I woke up and decided I will write about her on my blog. If you ask me now to list 10 people that during the past 25 years have affected my life, she will definitely be amongst the top 5. I decided within myself. I even had too much work to do, and still didn't know what will I write - all I knew is that when I put my fingers on this keyboard, everything will fall into place.

Less than 4 hours after having those thoughts running through my brain, my mobile flashed red. I have been using a Blackberry phone for the past 4 months and I love it. I never got amused technologically as I have been the past period. It is just amazing. I am loving it. So anyway, when I receive an email, a notification, or a missed call, a message, etc... there is a little flash light that appears, in red colour, which means that there is something 'unread' on my phone. I was sitting working, and I paused for a moment to check why is my mobile flashing red.

I had a huge smile on my face, that if we bring The Joker and ask him to copy it, he will fail. Need I say more?

Call it telepathy. Call it fate. Call it sixth sense. Call it destiny. Call it whatever you want to call it. I never knew what to call it from day one. From that day I saw her at the club, I really never knew what it was.

Even after writing all this, I thought maybe listing things down, collecting all the memories and putting it in one box, maybe I would understand, but here I am today, I wrote around 30 pages and I still don’t. I even realised that the 3 people she met through me, are the same 3 guys who were with me on that trip when I found her on Hi5 - even though they didn't know about it. Are all these coincidences? Today is the 18th of December 2008. 2 years have passed since I last met her. The email I sent her was on the 25th of December 2005. It was Christmas back then, and it is also Christmas in a week's time, yet I still don't understand. I don't know if she is the same person I picked up 3 years ago. I don't know if she is as cold as we last met 2 years ago. I don't know if she still wears the same colours, or that white shoe I liked.

I don’t know anything.

All I know is that I wish I could go to bed and wake up the next morning looking at my calendar and find it marked on the 21st of December 2005, so I can get out of bed, have a hot bath, and put on my blue Manchester United jersey for the first time and get in my car to go to that birthday I am invited to. I really knew back then it was going to be a special outing. I even made my sister take a picture of me that night. I never asked her to take a picture for me before I go out except that one time, because I felt it was going to be special. This is how I exactly looked 3 years ago.

The only thing I would amend, is that I will make sure to have my camera with me that night.

Daisies.

2008-10-27T18:30:00.010+02:00

My gorgeous girlfriend's birthday is in 6 hours! She was telling me a while back that when she sits down and think about the past 22 years of her life (she turns 23 btw), she would be somehow disappointed with how she hasn’t accomplished any feats till now. Personally, I was caught by surprise because everything about her is perfect, therefore I decided to list down 23 reasons why she SHOULD be proud of herself in such a big day:

1- Driving your dream car with your own money (regardless of how I feel about cars, you should be thrilled)

2- Knowing the stock market inside out unlike most of the girls and boys your age

3- At 23; you are already a golf trainer

4- You are a great writer, and everyone knows it!

5- You are THE BOSS amongst your friends. They look up to you and even copy you.

6- At 23; you have already read more books than anyone I know

7- Unlike females in this country, you are an enormously hard worker

8- You are one of the very few living in this country who appreciates peanut butter

9- At 23; you're holding a big managerial post in one of the world's leading multinationals

10- You made me change my perception on Scorpio girls

11- You know all the James Bond movies by heart (as much as this sounds appalling for an anit-Bond person like me, yet it is something you should be proud of)

12- You are a Zamalek fan! How can life get any better?

13- You always get what you want

14- Unlike females in this country, you know how to drive

15- You have the coolest hotmail address, Miss Glamorous

16- You know all The Beatles' songs by heart

17- You are the biggest Barbie doll collector (it still counts as a talent, and shows immense dedication)

18- Unlike females in general, you don’t like heels AND you don't wear them

19- You graduated before your friends, which makes you smarter than everyone around you

20- Your eyes glitter when you smile which leads everyone to smile, and this is a lifetime achievement

21- You are my good luck charm

22- No matter how much you talk, you can never bore me

23- You made me realize how perfect life is

You still think you haven't accomplished anything?

How about I love you, for a change?

Happy Birthday till I see you. :)

--------------------------------------

The above post was written to a girl that I no longer associate myself with. I could have removed this post completely; but this blog is about me, my life, and what I go through.

01/11/08

iGlow.

2008-07-29T16:42:00.007+03:00

Tomorrow marks 2 years for elzeek.blogspot existence.

Do I feel special? Of course I do!

I still remember that day when I decided to form this blog and signed up. It was nice but a bit weird though. I never actually had thought I would be forming a blog, let alone keep it up for 730 days, and still running. A personal disappointment though; I didn’t write as much as I wanted to, for several reasons, mostly out of my hands. Call me arrogant but I am a busy man. I will say it again to make sure I clearly said it: I am a busy man. As time passes you get less moments to do things. I strongly believe in that.

As we are celebrating this wonderful 2^nd anniversary, here is a special post. I think I need to give something back to the people.

Here is a list of 100 things you probably didn’t know, about me.

1) I gained 25 kilos in 5 months back in 2004
2) I put ketchup on all kinds of food, yet I love fries more with mayonnaise & mustard
3) I could listen to Mayonaise by The Smashing Pumpkins 10 times in a row with the same excitement
4) I attended a concert for The Smashing Pumpkins last August and was inches away from Billy Corgan
5) My mom's birthday is on August 14^th
6) I did my first and only bungee jump on August 14^th, 7 years ago in 2001
7) I had an afro back then
8) My ex girl at the time traveled to Japan in July
9) My recent ex traveled to Japan this year in July
10) Most of my relationships either start or end in July
11) I can make a relationship work if I want to
12) Just like Al Bundy in Married With Children, I am the man in the relationship
13) I could watch Seinfeld and Married with Children episodes repetitively for the rest of my life
14)I don’t download their episodes off the internet though
15) It is not easy to find internet in Dubai
16) I bumped into Karl Wolf in a restaurant there in the early days of 2007
17) I was wearing my Manchester United jacket
18) Manchester United is my inspiration
19) Girls should be more into football
20) 8 girls wanted to go out with me at a certain point in my life
21) 2 of them were best friends
22) 2 of the girls I dated used to bruise themselves when they got angry
23) I saw 2 guys making out together before, and 2 girls too
24) I was asked by an anonymous Norwegian girl to sleep with her, and the same question was asked by an anonymous Korean man
25) I caught a guy friend of mine having sex before
26) I was sexually harassed by a taxi driver when I was 9 years old on the way to my football training
27) I also caught a girl friend of mine having sex before
28) I was dating her friend at the time
29) My exes combine 10 nationalities between them
30) I used to watch Basic Instinct nonstop when I was 10
31) I had a red Batman bag at the time
32) Batman Returns is one of my favourite movies in the Batman series
33) Michael Keaton is the best Batman
34) Beetle Juice, The Paper, Pacific Heights & Multiplicity are 4 of my favourite movies
35) I have a different taste in movies than most of you people
36) My taste in perfumes is very unique
37) My current favourites are Polo Black and Prada Amber
38) They freshen me up big time
39) The swimming pool freshens me up too
40) And so does the sea
41) I went skinny dipping before
42) The first time I ever see a porn movie was in the Netherlands back in 1991
43) I was really extremely astonished by those naked girls on TV
44) I cannot accept girls with underarm hair
45) I dislike very much the image of a girl who is wearing a yellow/green shirt and raises her arm revealing a circular sweat stain in her armpits
46) I like it when girls burp
47) I find it cute when they fart
48) The hottest girl in our school farted while sitting beside me in Geography class
49) Mr. Mark the Geography teacher used to curse a lot
50)He was flirting with another teacher who was friends with another teacher whom I had a crush on
51) I also had a crush on my friend's maid before
52) She was 6 years older than me
53) I dated someone 6 years older than me before
54) I kept eating Pizza Hut for 6 consecutive hours back in 1994
55) I was hit by a Range Rover at the age of 7
56) I had my first kiss before that accident
57) We broke up the following year, when I was 8
58) I was struck by Scarlet Fever early that year
59) Fever Pitch is one of the greatest books I ever read
60) As the years go by, I like literature more
61) The older I get the funnier my jokes become
62) I was always the class clown
63) I was coulrophobic as a kid after watching the movie 'IT'
64)Stephen King tops my list
65) I have very special lists for everything and everyone
66) I am special, and I believe each one of you is special
67) A lot of you envy me
68) Most of you are very nice though
69)Some of you are even my friends
70) 4 of my friends need extra pampering
71) I can't wait to pamper my own babies
72) I can't wait to take my son to the barber to have a new haircut
73) I shave my pubic hair
74) I do not use Gillette razors
75) I daydream while I am shaving or running
76) I daydream more than I dream
77) I have wet dreams
78) I do not masturbate
79) I do not eat broccoli
80) I like it fried though
81) I rarely eat mangoes
82) I enjoy drinking it more
83) My favourite juice is Guava
84) My least favourite is apple
85) I know a girl who used to eat red apples to have red cheeks
86) I am every girl's dream
87) I was playing 'spin the bottle' 14 years ago and a girl was asked to tell the colour of her underwear. I so wanted to go with her to the bathroom as she went in to check it, and the moment she came out and said 'BLUE' left me melting with excitement
88) Girls drive better than me
89) They turn me off when they smoke
90) They turn me off more when they drink and pass out
91) They turn me off more and more when they talk about politics
92) I was very interested in politics, until the day I graduated
93) I graduated from school 10 years ago
94) I peed from the balcony onto the street in my final school week
95) I take pleasure in peeing in the sea
96) I don’t read by the sea, it is very distracting
97) I am a very fast swimmer
98) I am an open book
99) I am a closed one too
100) But I just showered you with 100 raindrops

A Juvenile Gentleman.

2008-06-11T17:55:00.008+03:00

Shattered a man could get when the best player in his team is on the brink of leaving. You get very confused and you don’t know if you should allow him the opportunity or not. Every Manchester United fan is soundlessly counting the days till the end of Euro 2008 in order to find out the outcome. We log on the internet more than we usually do to follow the never-ending saga.

I never hid the fact that I want him to stay for the rest of his life wearing the number 7 jersey as he will surely emulate all his preceders that involve Best, Robbo, Becks, Coppell and my beloved King Cantona whom I owe everything for making me a Manchester United fan. He can go on and win us more trophies in Europe, and break Liverpool's record in the Premiership. He is our disparity which we hold against our local rivals, and our edge towards glory amongst foreign sides. He is simply the best player on the planet. And yes call me selfish, but after Best, Law and Charlton in the 60's; and even though we are the greatest team in the world, we've just never had that 'special' guy that fans from all over the globe would pay to watch him warm- up, let alone play a game. It feels good to have the best player in the world playing week in week out in your colours.

But you know what? I do not care anymore. Neglect everything that I wrote above. Putting aside my feelings, you will never be bigger than Manchester United. Yes, you are the best player on earth, but apart from showing your class on the field, I cannot believe you are nowhere near off it. I am humiliated and discomfited from you.

You’ve been at Old Trafford for five years but it’s only the last two seasons and a half you’ve set the place on fire. Prior to that, Fergie stuck with you. We stuck by you.

Remember us?

Did you forget the diving? Did you forget the showboating selfish play? Did you forget the support you received after your bust-up with Ruud who is considered our greatest ever striker, and in a glimpse we let him go and kept you? Did you forget the wink at the World Cup two years ago?

But is it worth anything what I am saying? I don't think so.

I understand if it’s your dream to play in Madrid but you owe it to United to be patient — and that’s why you should stay. Doesn’t the affection of United’s fans and your team-mates mean anything to you? I’m sure you’ve got advisors whispering in your ear but surely you have realised they could only be in it for the money, rather than your personal welfare.

While Real may be tempting you with £300,000 a week after tax, how much money do you actually want? If you stay in Manchester, you could be banking £7.5million a year. It shouldn’t be about money at all, in any case.

Fans beg local players not to leave because they’re hometown heroes, but with a foreign superstar, the situation has to be different. The loyalty - or lack thereof - shouldn’t be compared, because why should a foreigner feel loyal to the club? People like Thierry Henry talk about Arsenal now being in his blood. But if that was the case, he’d have never have left. Gary Neville and Paul Scholes and idols elsewhere like Javier Zanetti, Paulo Maldini, Francesco Totti or even people like Stewart Downing are the players' fans most get attached to. One club men, playing for their boyhood team. It’s when they leave that fans have a real right to kick up a storm.

But not you. At the end of the season, I’d have loved it if you had said ‘I’m not interested in joining Real — I’m happy at United.’ But you didn’t. You gave a smile and said you’d let us know ‘in two or three weeks.’ You may have thought you were being funny but no one was laughing.

And you know what? People who say you should leave because you've won it all with us are just silly! You haven't achieved everything. That's like saying Johan Cruyff should've left Ajax after winning his first European Cup instead of captaining them to three. The reason players like Cruyff, Beckenbauer and Baresi are revered is because they built dynasties that ruled European football. You haven't achieved everything because Manchester United haven't achieved everything. Rio, Carrick and Tevez have all spoken in the last month about how they should've done the Treble, for instance. If we win the European Cup next season THEN, and only then, you can start thinking of yourself being on the same level with the greats. You can 'proudly' say I was a key figure in the first team to win back to back European titles since the knockout system was changed to the group system and the Champions Cup became the Champions League. That will truly be historic because by all admissions the fact that the 2nd, 3rd and 4th best from the top leagues all enter the Champions League makes it harder to win these days. But even then when you think about it, Nottingham Forest won back to back European Cups. Fact of the matter is in football there is always more to achieve that's what drives men like Ferguson and Giggs on in spite of their age. If you can't see that then you really should leave because Manchester United is all about hunger and desire. Take for example the '99 group; they weren't the best player for player but they were the hungriest. They had to beat Spurs to win the league knowing Arsenal were winning on the last day of the season and they did. They had to beat Newcastle to win the F.A. Cup the next week and they did. The next Wednesday without Scholes and Keane they had to hang on against Bayern and keep trying for 93 minutes and they did. Beckham, the man you replaced, was never on the level of Ronaldinho but he would run his heart out for the team, for the dream...shame Fergie booted him out. Do you get it? It is clear you don't want to aspire to that level of the Di Stefano's, the Cruyff's and the Beckenbauer's. Men who led footballing empires, and therefore we should sell you. And we shall do it NOW! With or without you we will be aiming to win the European Super Cup, the World Club Cup, the FA Cup, the Premier League and the Champions League.

Even if you do surprise us and decide to stay, I’m not convinced your heart will be in the job. Not after your recent behaviour. In 12 months’ time, we’ll end up with another similar 'will you stay or will you leave' pantomime. Arsenal had this with Patrick Vieira and it didn’t do them any good.

Having a player in this situation is a bit like having a girlfriend who is unhappy. There comes a time when you just have to split.

Epigraph.

2008-02-05T16:46:00.004+02:00

I lose myself willingly and forget about the world in your beautiful eyes. I don't want to pull away even if I wanted to try. You are perfect in every possible way. The thought of your smile makes my day.

You were sent to me from the stars and heaven above. You flew in on wings carried by the power of love. When nothing seems to go quite right, and everything feels dull and I no longer can see the light. I look upon your pure angelic virtuous face and I'm elated to a faraway distant ecstatic place.

I treasure all the words you've said. You amuse me genuinely like the beliefs I engross in my head. In this world of lies and circle of false truths I know only one thing true. I'd give up everything just to be with you.

Do you now know why you?

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Picture was removed for personal reasons. The above post was written to a girl that I no longer associate myself with. I could have removed this post completely; but this blog is about me, my life, and what I go through.

26/07/08

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Velo: An Egyptian Tale

2007-12-09T15:36:00.000+02:00

I read a lot. I write a lot. But rarely do I get impressed or intrigued by what other people write these days. Got out of bed early in the morning, a bit frustrated that even on my weekend I am waking up early, yet the beautiful weather filled me with joy. Suddenly I found myself in Zamalek and soon enough I was inside the bookshop buying new books. I bought 2 books and was looking for 3 more but not to my amazement they were out of stock, or at least that's what they told me. I heard not from long ago that Amr Khaled -whom I will talk about later in this post- wrote a book and it is out.

I guess the book chose me just like Tingo told Amr (only the people who read the book would understand what I just said).

Anyway I am out and back in my car, going back home. Somehow there was a cosmetic smile deep within me. Maybe it was the good sun, or the fact that waking up early on a Saturday wasn't that bad after all, maybe it was Velo, I don't know, I was happy and enjoying which was more than enough. Arrived under my house and parked the car. I was supposed to go up and sleep so I can wake up fresh for the Manchester United game, but instead I went straight to the ahwa, which is also home; a certain force was pushing me to go have my morning shisha and pulling me from going up to my warm bed. It felt good. Smiles covered the faces of people around me. Ordered my shisha and my tea. I had the 3 books with me, but it was Velo that I wanted. The cute name maybe, or the nice enigmatic design that sends an unspoken message of an unknown quest internally and spiritually, the fact that it is a book written by someone I know. All this poured the intensity required before having a nice stuffed meal. It is not often when you get to read a book for someone you already know, met and heard him sing. 2 hours passed and it felt like 2 minutes. Shisha after shisha, juice after tea, people passing by, phone calls from random people, inspiration was in the air and I was enchanted with the mystical beauty of the treasure in my hands. I cannot remember the last time I felt excited while reading something in 'English'. Apart from some of the blogs I browse it is very hard really to identify with the last time I was 'in need' while reading something. "Adventures of Huckleberry Finn" by Mark Twain comes to my mind, as it kept me wanting more every time I flipped through its magical pages. Wanting to know more, and curious to find out the unknown.

Velo provided me with that magnetism.

Very disturbed was I when I discovered that I need to stop reading and go home to make calls and arrangements for the match. Time passed by quickly and as I was going out to meet the most beautiful girl in my life and watch the undisputed champions of England play; still didn't all that stop me from taking Velo along. The match finished and another one started, heaps of people marched in and out, lots of talks took place, a round of cards was happening, and Velo was beside me preciously and anxiously just like Aladdin's lamp; waiting for me to rub it. I ate a lot of stuff the night before, thus triggering my stomach to produce those vibrations that means I need to unleash the dragons and missiles within me. I ran to the bathroom with the book in my hand and couldn't believe that finally I am getting the privacy I've been longing for to read the book, even if it was just for ten minutes. I was happier than Aladdin after he rubbed his lamp. I went home that night and as much as I wanted to finish the book, as much as my eyes and body felt just like Amr in his first night in jail. (Again only those who read the book would get that)

Sunday morning and back to the work life we all thrive in and for. After waking up I made sure that I'll leave the house with the book in my hands. Normally I am much occupied at work, with lots of meetings, roaming, and presentations - Busy Bee! I just had a feeling that it would be a quite one. Maybe I was hoping for it deep inside as I wanted to finish the book.

And so I did.

My story with Amr is a very funny one. Just like Velo used to come to him, Amr used to appear in my life from time to time, unexpected, and unplanned. I used to be with Amr in school till I was 5, before I travel abroad and come back to another school. Days pass by and back in our early teens, the talk of rock and heavy metal was somehow popular, and talk about a group of guys who play in my ex school was transferred. I didn't get the chance to listen to them, or wasn't actually interested to listen to that band in particular. I didn't care. I had enough bands in my school who kept me happy. Days fly this time and I travel to study abroad, again, and then transfer back here to the university I graduated from, and there I got to know Karim who is mentioned in the ahwa post written last year. He happened to be in the band with Amr. Karim was more of a vampire, who only wears black and isolates himself from the beauty of life. I am sure I mentioned that before to you people. Anyway, this is when I involved Karim in our happy ahwa life, which he later disbanded because he wanted to hook up with more ladies, and felt that ahwa is a waste of time...but clubbing isnt.

Back in 2000 as I began to know Karim, he invited me to go and listen to his band 'Apocalypse' which was to my surprise, the same band I heard about early in my teens. I went to watch them at one of the most disgraceful hotels I came across in my life. That night, I discovered that not only did he live as a vampire, but his whole band and every other underground band in Egypt. I felt disgusted and ashamed. Everyone wearing black with hideous ghost-looking figures. Amr looked older than any of the band mates, maybe it was his weight or facial hair that none of them possessed, anyway he was singing and rocking hard. I was enjoying every moment and started singing along to tunes I've never heard before. When I saw Amr that day, I remembered his face, not from school, but from our very own Gezira Club. We never had talked before that night at Toshka Hotel. And we never really talked after that for all that matters. Even when we talked, it was more of a Hi/Bye phrase. News of Amr used to be delivered to me just like news being spread on networking sites as Facebook nowadays. I heard of his fight against addiction. His writings that he submitted to AUC when he was a kid. I heard of the cartoons he drew and the fact that he is no longer playing with Karim's band. I heard of the universities he went to and the ones he walked out on. Heard of the weight he lost and the random trips to England and France he had when he was 16. The half Egyptian/half Brit he was dating when he was 17 and the long stay in Ireland he had to take when he was a bit older. I heard of Bad Apple from random people. News and pictures of Amr was knocking on my door all the time now. Suddenly a guy I know turns to be their official photographer. Maha's brother turns to be their drummer. Facebook invitations to their concerts. Flipping through different magazines to find Amr contributing in them. There is always someone who randomly comes and mention something. If it is about the band, or about the music, or about school and old days, there is always a lead taking me to Amr.

Thank you for the experience. Thank you for the journey. You have a talent. I am sure you were told that already, but it is always good to hear it again - I know how it feels. What I really like about your writing is that you like to explain, identify, and elaborate...and you do it in detail. You do it till the smallest detail that others would never notice or find important. And above all, you are doing all that while sharing an experience. A real one. And this is what makes it striking. This is why I like it. And this is the way I like it. You are writing for fun and it is clear you enjoy doing so. You already know you can do it and you do not need to prove anything to anyone. Keep on writing. I am sure that what you did will be of significance for a long time. I already know some people who have been writing books for some time now, myself included, and 'Velo' will always stand, not for being the first, but for being truly inspiring to everyone, from people who already are involved in writing to others who never wrote and never will. I wouldn't be surprised if this book tickled people to start writing anecdotes,diaries, editorials, blogs and even books.

As you mentioned somewhere early in your book when talking about meditation:

You go to pure awareness; and then you become it.

Amr, Mario, Pekii, Bad Apple, whatever you like to call yourself with: Keep it up, and long live the Rock!

Pins & Needles.

2007-12-03T11:23:00.000+02:00

Happy Monday :)

A lot of talk today, a little less motivation, weather is really nice in the morning with a colder spark during the night and yes we are all prisoners of this wonderful yet vengeful city.

This blog always represented me and my thoughts. I always speak my mind out in here just like I do in my daily life. I always share new things with you that you have never heard me say. That doesnt mean I'm rewriting history, that means that I always tell you the truth about who I am and what I believe in my heart.

Life is a duplicate of the zoo. The difference between people and me is the that they remind me of the animals in the zoo, while I am the tourist who is wearing a large green shirt and sitting on the bench, which is located right in the middle of the zoo.

My friends hate each other, believe it or not they do. They are weird and they act weird. They count their stupid steps before taking them. They sit together every single day full of hatred, and it gets only bitter. They would wait for the right moment to hurt you. They would knock you down if they get the chance. They only want to get better so they can tease you. They dress good just to look better. They buy cars just to impress girls. They go to the gym to be associated with the strong and needy. They think about money all the time: how to make it, how to spend it, and how to invest it. They are becoming rusty and cold. They are vampires living under the same sun, unaffected, yet traumatized of never ending selfishness. Every single one of them lost the charm that signaled him before. Their bodies are covered with yellow dirt that will no longer be washed and no matter how much more they change, the slower and less they will feel a thing.

God saved my life. No, this is not a typographical error, so I will say it again just to be sure...God saved my life. I always pray to find some clarity and solace. I ask God to help me change the direction of my life, my negative attitudes, and to heal my broken heart. Now, some may scoff at the notion that God saved my life, or changed my life at all. Anyone could opine that it is all in my mind. I have met strangers down the years who told me that I saved their lives. Many have said that they had recently been contemplating suicide, and that my attitude had helped them to find the courage to not do such a horrible thing. Others would argue about whether they could find the strength to get out of bed, to face another day of their often unhappy life. They would say that a particular word, or something I had done, had reminded them of their own dreams. Now did I actually come into their room? Did I hold their hand to keep them from jumping out a window, or from cutting their arms, or from throwing up their dinner so they wouldn't gain weight, or keep them from taking drugs? The answer is no, I didn't. I was not there for them like their parents, or husband, or wife, or best friend. But I did help save their life.

Be well, stay safe, enough for now...but there is always more.

The bleating symphony.

2007-10-27T00:25:00.000+02:00

The way they see it.

Whenever they turn to march. Whenever they run the show. Whenever they eat the wind. Whenever they speak they oxide. Whenever they twist the light. Whenever they shake the swing. Whenever they break the night. Whenever they sing the choice. Whenever they smell the cry. Whenever he mixes it. Whenever she squeezes it.

The way I see it.

A lesson to integrity. A bound of functionality. A silliness of abuse. A secret to paper. A vocabulary so ignorant. A spare of muchness. A forest of freedom. A trick maker. A sequence truck. A hero widespread.

The way it is.

Is this it?

23 seconds to send a prayer up.

2007-07-17T22:17:00.000+03:00

23 seconds of compassion.

23 seconds of peace.

23 seconds to remember love is the energy behind which all is created.

23 seconds to remember all that is good.

23 seconds to forget all hurt and pain.

23 seconds of faith.

23 seconds of radiance.

23 seconds is all you really need.

23 reasons why Sukie is FANTASTIC:

1. She loves The Smashing Pumpkins.
2. She loves Pizza.
3. She blogs, obviously.
4. She is dating the friendliest bravest smartest coolest guy I've ever met.
5. She introduced me to the most interesting MSN smiley ever.
6. She is the only girl I know who actually bought a car out of her own savings.
7. She hates wearing heels.
8. She loves the colour green.
9. She is smarter than anyone of you.
10. She is the only girl I know who enjoyed 'The Basketball Diaries'.
11. She is always there for you. Even if she is not around; she is always there.
12. She has stunning eyes and beautiful eyebrows.
13. She loves Diet Pepsi.
14. She is into funny humor spiced with stupid jokes.
15. She is one of the very few people that never bore me even if we talk for days.
16. She is the most creative girl I've ever known.
17. She makes fun of the same people I make fun of. United together, we make fun of everyone!
18. She loves children and toys and cartoons and getting lazy and spending days at home.
19. She writes so well that a lot of people keep falling in love with every single thing about her without actually meeting up with 'her'.
20. She loves the past unlike the rest of this evil world.
21. She still surprise me with new things everyday.
22. She is the greatest 23 year old female alive.
23. She is someone I will never trade with all the money in the world.

I love you Folla. Always did, and always will.

Stay cool. You are charming. You are beautiful. Yes you are.

Happy Birthday. :)

Escuche esta canción y sepa que continuaré siempre siendo el tuyo.

2007-06-27T14:20:00.000+03:00

Eleven Seven.

2007-06-17T13:11:00.000+03:00

Do you like surprises?

Do you prefer knowing things beforehand?

How does it feel when you say bye? How about an 'eternal' goodbye?

How would it feel if you lock a door and throw away the key?

Have you ever wondered if your hands and legs talk and communicate with one another?

What if one hand decides to have a new life. How would the other hand feel?

The staying hand never imagined such day will come, and to add to the woe, it cannot even stop the leaving hand from doing what it wants to do.

Maybe both hands will live happily separated. Maybe they will live doomed. Maybe one of them will be enjoying. Maybe the other will be in misery. No one actually knows.

The only two clear facts are:

1- One hand made a decision. The decision is yet to take place, but it is already set. It is only a matter of days. People are coming from all over the world to smile and cry and wave and give their blessings. Everyone is invited.

2- The other hand staying here has learned a lot of lessons of late.

But as mentioned above...'Late'. People always say 'it is better late than never', but this is wrong. Everyone should wake up and understand that when it is late, it is late. It is not being postponed. It is not being delayed. It is just late. When your mug falls down in front of your own eyes and break, you are late. When you fail to attend your exam on time, you are late. When you miss a birthday, you are late. When you lose your temper and divorce your wife, you are late. When you quit smoking and then light a cigarette, you are late. When you tell someone that she is your world and heaven and skies and you cheat on her, you are late. When you want to make up for everything, you are late.

But that will never take away another fact; that sometimes you actually feel and hope for something to happen, so you can stop a certain decision and delete it and erase it and bury it and throw it away to Vietnam. You will not put things on the edge of the table. You will never be late. You will record all dates on a calendar. You will learn to control yourself. You will not let anything toxic enter your body. You will take care of your family and friends.

I know I am contradicting myself here. But sometimes even if you know the truth, even if you know you will fail, even if you know you will lose, you can still hope. Deep inside of you, the hope and the wish you have might be the only thing pushing you forward. You want to hope. Even if you know the outcome; as long as you know you can hope for something else, you will feel satisfied. You will always say 'there is light at the end of the tunnel'. You will only stop saying that when you either find the light and run with joy, or find the dead end of the tunnel and then you will know that there is no way out of here, there is no light, and there will be no light and you got to be accustomed to the dark, or in other words; to the light side of the dark and to the dark side of the light.

Hope. You will only hope on the one thing that means the most to you. That means more than anything else in your life does. That means more than everything you worked for, and everything you lived for. It means more than your own life.

You can only hope.

To hope is to pray. To pray is to love. To love is to regret. To regret is to feel ashamed. To feel ashamed is to feel sorry. To feel sorry is to make a mistake. To make a mistake is to say sorry. To say sorry is to talk. To talk is to shut up.

The hand is bruised.

Just leave. Please stay. Runaway. Come back. I hate you now. I'll always love you. Hand in hand. Heart in heart. Together forever. Good luck. Goodbye.

SOS --> Save Our Souls

2007-05-28T19:44:00.000+03:00

A girl I know just gave birth to a sweet little baby. This girl was dating a friend of mine for almost 5 years in a row. Why did they break up? Why do you break up a long lasting relationship? Why does anyone who spends a lot of time with someone decides to seek a new adventure?

It takes two to tango, and for a couple to spend more than 3 years together, then for sure they tangoed, and even mangoed (I tried to make it rhyme, did it work?). Why did it have to end then? I am not questioning fate, but I am questioning these two.

I am sure this girl who just gave birth is happy with her husband. I am sure he treats her just like the Duke treated Cinderella. But, I am also sure and positive that the excitement level will never be the same like it used to be with that friend of mine. I am sure she will never feel what Cinderella felt for that Duke.

The funny thing is that if you go up to any one of them, or to any couple who broke up after so long and ask them why did you guys call it off, they wont have a valid reason or excuse. They will stutter, go in circles and tell you:

Well....you just dont get it....it wasnt working...we kept fighting near the end about stupid stuff....

You:

Thats it?

The couple:

Well....it is a mixture of everything...ummm, apart from the fights, each one of us had problems with work and family....it was odd.

You:

But again that doesnt mean you guys should break up. Maybe you should have solved things and talked it over in a mature way.

The couple:

Well....see, you dont know everything...we actually did try all that, we tried everything...the only logical reason at the end was to break up..

Thank you very much, what a repetitive scenario that is commonly used. People always do that when they have nothing to say.

But why do you people break up? Why do you have to go marry someone else? Why does she has to go meet this new guy? Why do people tend to start a new life while their old one is not yet dead? Why do you have to kill something present and burry it instead of reviving it?

Why cant things just stay the way they are?

Why do you suddenly get bored from someone so close to you, but at the same time remain friends and tight and never ever get bored with your other buddies that you see every day and night, the so called 'gang'. On the contrary, every day you guys will get closer and you will love their presence in your life more.

Why do you feel turned off from your partner after years of committment? Shouldnt you be in love? Shouldnt you be more attached?

Each and every one of us could get into relationships, potential relationships, open relationships, serious relationships, meaningless relationships, flings, one night stands, etc... It is normal to date someone for a week or two then dump the person and go on with your life. It is normal for people to cheat on their long lasting partners during a trip far away during the summer or maybe flirt a bit with a co-worker or an online mistress. It is not right, but it happens. But what I dont get is why would someone spend years and years with another to finally make things impossible for both and they decide to break up. Why?

Why cant your first be your last? Why do you have to spend 5 years with someone; and then go spend another 5 with someone else? Yes you can spend a month with this, maybe 2 months with that, and another year with a new face BUT why spend 5 years with someone if you are going to spend another 5 with a stranger?

Why?

I cant even answer that question myself. I am one of those people who replied in the same style just like the couple above.

If you are reading this and you are young in your teens and dating someone precious to you, then dont follow in the footsteps that many including me rushed into. Even if you are reading this and you are old in your sixties and married to someone for so long, dont ever follow in our footsteps. Get up now, leave the PC and go get her flowers. Treat her like a queen. If she cant walk then carry her. Feed her. Make love to her and make her smile like there is no tomorrow.

Dont let that day come when you sit back and say:

"Just the touch of her hand in mine, just the touch. Oh God what have I done."

Things You Don't Know About Me

2007-05-21T12:00:00.000+03:00

1. I am not invincible.

2. I love the swimming pool.

3. I want to quit smoking shisha.

4. I am thriving for KFC right now.

5. I remember my past life whenever I listen to music.

6. I hate long walks.

7. I believe dogs are smelly no matter how clean they are.

8. I find it gay and stupid to join Studen Unions and conference-related activities.

9. I never had chickenpox.

10. I enjoy moaning and making silly voices when I am around my friends or family.

Time for me to stop and tag more people since I was tagged by Sukie.

I'm tagging:

Goaty
Alia
Mai

I am a born pisces, but I dont eat fish.

2007-04-12T20:39:00.000+02:00

Hey All;

Let me tell you that I've been very happy lately in my life. I've been to a live concert for one of the greatest bands, Iron Maiden. I am wearing a t-shirt for them now, and would never ever forget how they performed and their sound is still buzzing in my ears. A camera is now behind me, people are watching me. Chocolates are beside me, and a birthday I have to run to. What am I doing now on my blog? I seriously dont know, but I missed you. I missed everyone. I missed my blog. I always say that dont I. I always say 'I missed my blog'. It is becoming a cliche now, but hey, life is all about cliches.

I have to fill this page, or else the cameramen will not do their job properly, so basically I am blabbering now and I dont know what to do. 3 more lines to fill this page. Glory glory Man United. I still cant get over the match against Roma. I seriously have to go to the birthday NOW, Heba will kill me. But will she have the power to kill me? Does she want me dead?

The cameramen are leaving now accompained by the presenter who told me not to write her name. I've known her for 8 years, yet we never talked. It is funny how small life could be. She has a cold; and also a bad cough, the weather is terrible these days. But that didnt stop her from eating a Mars chocolate. I am not a fan of Mars. A lot of birthdays taking place lately. People are getting older. People are getting wiser. Others are getting younger.

This is one long funny weird post.

Thank you.

Finito La Motica!!!

2007-02-14T21:27:00.000+02:00

I dont usually start a new blog without naming the title, but believe me, I thought about a name and till now I cant think of any. So I would rather start writing and leave the name till the end.

This will be a very weird post. It is something I wanted to do for some time now, but again was always either busy or not sure what to put in here.

Sukie sometimes writes about her ex relationships; and once told me to write about the role of women so far in my life, or the greatest girls I've ever known, and what she didnt know, is that I always wanted to write about certain people, that no matter what happens, no matter where the tide is flowing, no matter if it is snowing or if the United States collapse or if football stopped for a reason, etc... these people will always be the most special people to my heart.

I actually told one of them not from long ago that I will write about her one day and she got very excited, so it not a 'surprise' if you know what I mean. I dont know if this is the right time or the right moment, since work is killing me and I still dont know what to write, but I thought that it will be a perfect birthday present. I celebrated that birthday every single year since 1993, but in that year it was only a 'happy birthday' phrase that I used. The presents and roses followed the years after. 15/2/2003 embarked the last real birthday we celebrated since in 2004, we were back to the 'happy birthday' phrase only, and in 2005 due to a lot of problems and conflicts, the phrase wasnt even used. Last year (2006) was a very weird one since it was a good phone call but the way it ended was just bad.

Anyone reading this is probably confused, trying to figure out what went wrong. What happened, and more importantly who are the person(s) you are talking about or referring to?

Sarah and Heba Abdel Gawad. But in the picture, Heba is on the right and Sarah on the left. But I always referred to them as Sarah and Heba and not Heba and Sarah, maybe because Sarah sounds 'stronger' or maybe because Sarah and I dated; I dont know it was always Sarah and Heba for me. :)

If I start writing now about them or about the three of us, I dont think I will ever stop. I never get bored when talking about my memories or my childhood, but again these girls were not just part of my childhood or a single memory in the thousands I've witnessed, they are actually my childhood, and the greatest memory that will always be alive.

Sometimes you dont want what is real to turn to a memory, but this one did. You can ask me why is it a memory since all of you 3 are alive? Some things just happen and you dont know why they did, but you just have to accept them.

This story was real for a lot of time. It was real for maybe more than people expected it to be. It was real beyond the expectations of people. A lot of people were happy for us. A lot used to envy us. A lot of people were unhappy and maybe thought or wanted to be in our shoes. Some people with sick minds would call me arrogant for saying that because I am not Mr. Perfect and neither was she Ms. Perfect, but what they need to understand, is that we just had a perfect life. Lots of people wanted to exchange places. They werent happy with their life and wanted to live the perfect life we were living. At the end of the day, it is now nothing but a memory. A beuatiful memory yes; but at the end of the day, it is just a memory that will not be alive again. I remember Sarah telling me in our anniversary card in 2002, that she always remembers our memories, our fights, our conflicts, our debates, our happy times, etc... with a smile. That's why I believe that memories are just for a person to remember with a smile; and especially a memory like this one.

What we lost is not like what you lost. If you are reading this and you think you lost someone, then believe me you didnt.

When you get to meet this beautiful person today and start dating a month from now and break up at the end of the year; you would feel that a whole year is completely lost. Right?

When you get to know someone in your first year of university and you become very very good friends, and then the person dies after you graduate, you will be in shock and would want to turn back time because the person who witnessed 4 or 5 years of your life including every single moment is gone, and gone for good.

But what if I come and tell you I will take away your brother or sister or mother after spending your whole life with them? It will be devastation. It will be weird. You will feel numb. Out of order. Yes you will be going on with your life, going to work every single day, doing what you do most and seeing the same friends, talking with the same people and eating the same kind of food, but inside of you and you know it, you will be different. Very different I may say.

The last example clearly tells you how is my (our) situation different than any of you.

I still remember my ex girlfriend, who was different than any other girl I dated in terms of being jealous over my past and actually told me: 'Look, I dont hate Sarah like any girl who dated you would do so. I dont know Sarah, but I wish I was able to know her. That girl almost spent 10 years with you and before those years, she was your best friend. She must be a great person and I wish she was my friend. For you to spend all those years with someone must be special, and if she wasnt special then you wouldnt have spent all that with her. I respect her because she respected you and made you happy for most of your life.'

People change every single day and being different is something normal in today's world, but when it happens to someone who hates 'change', someone who never change, and someone who was always the same guy, talking in the same way, dressed up in the same clothes, farting in the same manner, burping in the same style, dancing in the same silly bad way, then believe me it is weird. It is very weird. I know that if what happened to me had happened to a lot of my friends, they would have probably been dead by now. They would have been miserable with their life and wouldnt accept anything. I am glad and I thank God every single day for creating me different and for making me 'content' all the time.

I still remember the first day I ever saw both of them. September '92, just got back from the States, and had the 'punk' haircut with my red Batman school bag and my Nike Air Force black shoes. Everything felt weird, I can still see it all in my head. I got enrolled to Heba's class and she was in the other desk on my left. She used to share the desk with a girl called Djenane. Sometimes she shared it with Sally. The 3 of them were the cutest in the class. I always felt Heba was the quietest, and the most friendliest. I still remember when the whole class applauded my Arabic essay around the '6th of October Day' and Heba was very impressed with it. During that year, I used to only see Sarah in the bus, oh I forgot to mention that we all shared the same bus and lived 2 blocks away from each other. So anyway that year 92/93, I rarely talked with Sarah in; and even though Heba shared the same class with me but I was always hanging with the guys and playing football and teasing girls, so we had our different worlds. The school year was over and the summer came, and the summer meant at the time 'Gezira Club 24/7' and in June, the whole family used to go to Alexandria and spend 3 months there. So I basically had one month before leaving to Alexandria, between May and June. I used to be there all day, playing football, swimming, running, etc.. I was very fat. I weighed more than I do now. But I was very fast. I was still healthy and wasnt smoking. During my time in the club, I used to see the twins (it is easier to refer to them like that) by the pool. I didnt understand at first, because I thought they are like me, trying to enjoy their summer. Later on I discovered that they are part of the Water Ballet (Synchronized Swimming) team.

Wow! Wait a minute here?! Why am I suddenly writing these details? Lol.

That's what I knew would happen, I really dont know what to write and I end up writing a history chapter, but I am not supposed to do that! I am not supposed to come and say that on March 17th I came and said 'HI' and in September, I shared a sandwich with one of them, etc...

I dont mind to write that history chapter, but I dont have the time right now, plus this is supposed to be a Happy Birthay card or a Happy Birthday wish.

I would like to tell each of them the following, but this time I will mention Heba before Sarah. I used to do that in the birthday cards I used to get for you two long ago before Sarah and I dated, and it was funny because I liked to keep my last words for Sarah. :)

Heba or Heva as your mom likes to call you or Mara as my dad likes to joke with you:

I am sure you know what you meant and still mean to me. You were family. You were the perfect sister. The perfect best friend. The perfect girlfriends' sister. Apart from always being there to try the new top or sandals I am buying for your sister, you were much bigger than that. I remember when you used to call me after every fight Sarah and I had, and tell me how much she loves me. I know I did hurt you before. I know I didnt treat you with the right attitude at a certain point in my life. I know you are over that and I know how much you love me and value me as a person. I always wanted the best for you. And wished the best for you. I used to take care of you before and act like your guardian. I know it is not the same now. It hasnt been the same for some time actually, but I still wish you the best and will never stop doing so.

Remember when we were kids, I used to approve on the guy you liked or dated beforehand; and I also used to advise you on what to do when there is a problem or anything. I am not there anymore to do that, but I know that you are wise and that you are confident. I also know that you are career oriented and is always aiming for the best. I want you to always shine, and I want you to make me proud like you always did. You will come back to Cairo one day and open the perfect gym and spa for girls. You will make it! I know you will :)

You are beautiful. You dont need to do anything to your face. You are beautiful. Even when there is a new boil, you are still beautiful. If you count now how many guys asked you out before, then we will have a laugh because probably the whole school asked you out. The hot shots and the losers. The athletes and the druggies. The smart and the dumb. The thin and the overweight. The in crowd and even the lower class workers (remember Sayed the shop worker at Zamalek club). :)

You are beautiful ya Hoob. It's been ages since I actually said the word 'Hoob'. I dont even remember the last time it came out of me. See, I said at the beginning that it is a memory. It is funny because at a certain point in life, I used to say Hoob more than 20 times a day.

I am sorry for not being able to bring an extra invitation for you to come to my university graduation ceremony since I had only 3 and I had to bring my parents and your sister. I am sorry for not coming to watch you in Athens as I promised when we were kids. I am sorry for refusing to dance with you in Prep 2 at Yasmine Gouda's house party. I am sorry for carrying Taqui in IG 1 over my shoulder while he was holding a paper with 'I LOVE YOU' on; and walk infront of the art class while you are sitting inside and stand infront of the windows for you and everyone to see. I had to do it, it was very funny and I needed to assist my friend, he was madly in love with you.

I am sorry for not being there whenever you wanted me to be.

I will always remember you as the cheerful person who used to turn and sit on her knees so you can face Sarah and I as we were the cool kids sitting at the back seats of the bus; and talk to us. You will always be the girl who never says no to 'sleeping'. The girl who can change her mood in a glimpse, from singing to dancing to laughing to eating chocolates to just daydreaming.

You just loved eating!

And you loved sleeping in my jacket more and more!

And most importantly, you loved to SMILE!!!

Thank you for all the moments.

I love you.

Sarah:

It is not fair for me to write about you. Even if I am the best writer, then I would still be missing on some stuff. My relationship with you was not all about dating and going out together to the movies or to have dinner. I was the Peace Man remember. The man with the plan. The class clown. The guy who made fun of our friends; and especially a lot of your own friends. We used to laugh together in a way that no one would understand. I think each couple had a song in which they called 'our song', but between us, it wasnt just one song, or an album or an artist. We had more songs that we called 'our song'. Every song represented a memory and every movie represented another momory and every place or every talk represented a memory. Every laugh represented a memory and even quotes represented a memory. Even drinks and food represented a certain kind of memory. Sometimes you have a lot in your brain to write, but when you are actually writing, you just cant put your ideas or thoughts together. That's why I am probably blabbering more than I expected. I dont know what to say or what to mention. Shall I mention Hairy the Gorilla or Fila the stupid elephant. Shall I remember the pigs and cows or the Paul McCartney badge you had in high school. Shall I laugh on the doctor who told your mom why were you fat when you were a baby, or at the incident when this weirdo stopped you in the mall in Sharm El Sheikh and started clapping his hands hard and fast.

Our story was a perfect 'Hollywood' story. A guy and girl from Junior School who no one imagined to even be good friends, so let along date each other and become the greatest couple ever to grace the land. A 'Beauty and The Beast' kind of story. The girl and her twin were the most known girls in the school since they had the coolest curly hair, they were national champions and they were the girls who are half Spanish and speak English all the time. They were the girls with the funky coloured shoes and bracelets. The guy was the new kid to school. All he did was to play football and eat. He was the class clown and all he did was to make fun of everyone and make people laugh. He had his circle of friends which you used to call the 'kingdom'. You had a lot of friends from the 'in people'. All in all it was funny how we became very good friends. How we became tight and always together, and then being officially together and inseparable. The story had one logical ending after spending the last years of school and university together, and even start working and we are still together. The logical cliche ending that you find in movies, where we finally get married and live happily ever after. But the thing is, our story wasnt cliche because it wasnt destined or expected to go all those years. That's why we were different. That's why it is a 'Story' and not a 'Replica'. That's why it is an 'Original' and not a 'Repeat'. That's why we were stronger than anyone, and didnt fall down when everyone wanted us to break. That's why as soon as we did fail in something, we would ultimately furnish it in style.

Some people will read my blog and call me insane.

The thing is, both of us or all three of us are actually living happily right now. The three of us are on great terms and we were just together 3 weeks ago.

I am sure I will get a lot of weird comments, but the thing is, even if you do understand this post, you will still never understand the type of relationship we had. Even the closest people in my life and her life would never understand how BIG it was. I mentioned earlier and I am mentioning it again, it wasnt a relationship that lasted 1 or 2 or even 5 years. It is a story of a lifetime.

One might come and tell me after reading this post, why are you writing all of that you stupid freak. We all know that both of you are completely enjoying your lives now, so why are you telling an old story here?

I dont know actually why am I writing this. Lol. Seriously. At first when I formed my blog, I thought I would at a point or another, mention some of the greatest figures who contributed to my life. And then, I thought I would mix that with a 'Happy Birthday' wish in one post. I dont know how does the post look like now. I am starting to believe that it looks freaky and that I am insane. Lol

Anyway let me get back to Sarah and finish what I have to say:

I had some weird dreams or visions years ago. They were cute. I remember after we graduated by 3 years, and the school contacted you and Heba to give the opening speech at the commencement of Class '01 and I was proud of watching you two and so was everyone, all the younger kids and parents. I always thought that you and I will return to tell the opening speech for Class 2010 or 2015, and people will be watching us with a smile and respect. They will be saying '2 Alsson students are together since school days, what an achivement!'

And we would be looked upon as heroes in the school. :)

When I used to flip over the AUC Alumini magazines, I always used to see at the last section, the one which talks about alumini and where are they now, I used to see some pictures of a newely wed couple and they were both members of AUC. That's how I used to see us; in the history books of our school, just like our names that are still there on a lot of walls and desks.

A lot of people used to vote for us in the slam books as the best couple. We were arguably the best couple in our age, not only in the school, but in the club and in the city in general. I am not just saying that because I was included, but everyone knows that. Everyone said that. I had people I didnt know stopping me and telling me 'you and Sarah are very cute'. I even met a guy who was with us in school 15 months ago at the movies. The last time I saw him was back in university 5 years ago. Anyway, I had a friend of mine along and he could have easily thought that she is my gf, but instead the guy just tells me and infront of her 'When are you and Sarah getting married?' So I am like "Lol, man we are not together" and then he was like "Yeah yeah, same old story. You will both get back to each other, as usual."

Some people just have it stamped in their minds, that Sherif and Sarah are still together. Or they just attach us in a way or another. They link us just for the sake of mentioning our names.

What many people dont know is that what we both have is still special. I look up to her and I know she looks up to me. The respect we both have for one another now is frightening.

Sarah; you loved me when I was thin. You loved me more when I was fat. You were there when I graduated from school. You were there when I graduated from university. You were there when I had my leg operation and couldnt move. You saw me in suits; and you saw me in the ugliest pants. You saw me when I was perfumed; and when I used to fart. You saw me telling you how much you mean to me; and you saw me burping in your face. You were there when I signed my first work contract. We went to the nighclubs together; and we went to the mosques together. We read novels together; and we read Quran together. We sang together and we prayed together.

You had a diary that you used to write in all the years; and you never showed it to me, but you told me that when you are gone and no longer alive, I will be able to read it. I dont think it is a great idea. I dont know why am I mentioning that now, but it just crossed my mind.

I dont know what more to include. Sometimes people say to others that they are the best people they ever got to know without meaning it.

You know quite well that you are the greatest human I ever met.

We didnt fail Sarah. We triumphed. Believe me we did. We won. And we won with style.

Thank you for all the memories.

I know that you are probably wondering right now why didnt I upload pictures for you or us when we were a bit younger like I did with Heba, and I also know that you are jealous of her now. Lol Well, you are veiled now and I respect that and it just feels better not to show pictures pre the veil. But how about that little cute baby picture ;)

You are engaged now to a great guy. I am glad I had the chance to see him. He is a great guy and I am positive on that, or else you wouldnt have been with him for some months now. I wish you the best of luck in your life, and I hope you are secure with him. I hope you will be content like I always knew you.

I would like now to give a message to both of you. Sarah and Heba:

I admire and love the fact that you two are still there side by side and sticking together after all the years. Please dont ever change. The whole school and every single person who used to meet you loved you and everyone enjoyed your presence. Did you ever ask yourself why? Because you never treated anyone badly. You always kept the smile, and never tried to be someone you are not. Take care of each other. You share one soul and you both complete one another.

I am not trying to make the post end in a dramatic way, the one where the audience or the readers will feel a bit down and shed a tear. That's why I will finish this with a video of myself, singing Karaoke last month in Dubai. I was singing one of my favorite songs 1979 by The Smashing Pumpkins and coincedently both of you like it, so hopefully you will enjoy!

My voice is terrible, but you loved listening to me sing before.

I will see you guys soon.

Zeek!

P.S. I still dont know what to put in the title, and I just remembered that quote, which Sarah and I used to say a lot and joke about after we heard it on TV from an Arabic football commentator who was once trying to be silly and made the weirdest comment ever. I am cracking up now. Lol

I will leave now and leave you with a picure that will live forever and ever.

Your birthday starts in 1 hour according to Cairo time, but I know it starts in 3 hours where you are living now. I will post it now because we dont have the same times anyway so it wouldnt matter. But I will tell you to check your present in 3 hours, or else it wouldnt be a surprise. I just hope none of you opens my blog before that. Oh and I think the quality of the pictures are not that great, because I am using a weird scanner.

Happy Birthday.

:)

Hell is other people.

2007-02-01T11:06:00.000+02:00

A start to a new month.

Actually, the best month in the year.

The start of the Pisces zodiac sign will take place soon.

Valentine's is also there washing the brains of the people.

Egypt would have never won the African Cup of Nations if it wasnt held last Feb.

Manchester United would have never defeated and humiliated Arsenal in Highbury 4-2 if it wasnt played in that glorious month.

Zeek and his sis and his bro and their uncle and their aunt and their grandpa all got delivered in that month.

Enough about Feb.

Ok I can see you noticed that there isnt much to write, not because I am not interested, but mainly because I have no time at all. I got back from Dubai two weeks ago and I really want to blog about it. I want to mention my great friends and the great people I've met and the places I've witnessed and the bathrooms I've entered and the lovely food I used to eat every day.

I miss typing and writing.

I dont want to ever stop writing.

Smile.

Smile when you read what the Zeek writes. If you dont smile then what you are doing and the way you are living is wrong. You know who you are.

It is not funny and it is not sad. It is just different.

Dont you feel different?

City of Gold

2007-01-02T15:14:00.000+02:00

I am still alive. I am still alive. I am still alive.

Happy New Years from the fields of gold. :)

The legend Lives

2006-12-20T21:41:00.000+02:00

Hello World!

Almost one month now since I last posted. Actually I was very busy till the 15th of December and I thought that when I am done and free, I will come here and blog like a thirsty turtle in Kuwait. BUT....That did not happen :(

I blame this stupid Facebook. It is a time killer. It is not addictive, it is ADDICTION ITSELF. Now whenever I am free, I just get on Facebook and then suddenly out of nowhere; I discover that 2 hours passed and if you had asked me how long have you been on that killer, I'd say about ten minutes only.

I need to apologise for my blog. I used to treat my blog with utmost respect. The feeling I had while posting in the previous posts, was just something that cannot be explained. I used to enjoy the fact that I got some free time so I can blog. I used to blog while dancing and smiling. Blogging to me was like football to Maradona. It was like basketball to Jordan. It was like masturbation to a 13 year old kid in Saudi Arabia.

And I have to admit that I had that spark till the 10th of December. And for the past 10 days, I didnt feel any bit of it. I didnt even check if someone commented on a post I had wrote. I didnt even log to read any other blogs. I didnt do anything. Whenever I was free. Even if it was only for 20 seconds, then I would automatically log on my Facebook. I was like Tom when he is furious to find Jerry. I was like the addict Metallica talked about in 'Master of Puppets'. I was like the 13 year old Saudi kid who just cant control himself.

Anyway. I had to have a moment of silence. I needed a wakeup call. I realized that I had to get back to my senses.

I AM BACK!

I miss you 'Kites Fly High'. I am now hugging my blog. I am now dancing the funky chicken while spanking the air.

The Zeek is back in the house.

A lot of stuff happened during the past month. One major thing did occur, I will get to in a minute after mentioning 2 important things that happened:
I created an account on Myspace.
Ayman and Wael left to Dubai to enhance their careers. :(

I miss them.

Now to the major thing that happened in Zeek's life...We (The Guys) dont go anymore to the one and only 'Ya Hala' Cafe. The Cafe that united members from all over the globe. The cafe that witnessed the birth of generations. The cafe that witnessed my 'melting fart'. I will end this with a quote that is always present in GAY movies 'But life goes on'. LOL

The whole Ya Hala members bonded and moved to another ahwa, not far away, and not much different as the working staff were ex-Hala workers, so it is all good. The only bad thing about the new ahwa 'Al Forsan' aka 'Knights Cafe' is that no way you will find a place to park. And even if you park. Then no way you will be able to get your car out. It is more than crazy. Last week I parked there at 5 pm, and couldnt get my car out till it was 3:30 am. Stupid!

Anyway, I am watching The great Inter Milan right now against Lazio and Inter is winning 1-0 and only 45 minutes away from making it 10 straight wins in a row. BABBY! During the halftime, I will fill this survey that the one and only Sukie copied from someone called Carmen. She asked me to do it a month ago. What people need to know is that, I can be late; but I never forget. ;)

1. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Whom would you blow up?

Arsene Wenger, the Arsenal boss.

2. You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Which one will it be?

The Egyptian boy band; WAMA.

3. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?

This Joey who acted in Friends. YUCK!

4. What is your favorite cheese?

Cheddar and Parmesan. Oh Mammy!

5. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your immediate disposal. What kind will you make?

Big King from the amazing Burger King. LOL I like how it rhymes.

6. You have the opportunity to sleep with the movie celebrity of your choice. We are talking no-strings-attached sex and it can only happen once. Who is the lucky celebrity of your choice?

Christina Ricci. Oh MAMMMY!

7. You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who do you pick?

Madonna. Easy! Lol. MAMMMY MAMMMY MAMMMY!

8. Now that you've slept with two different people in a row, you seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. Holy crap, a hundred bucks! How are you gonna spend it?

I will just add them to the money in my wallet.

9. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

Manchester, England.

10. Upon arrival to the aforementioned location, you get off the plane and discover another hundred-dollar bill. Now that you are in the new location, what are you gonna do?

I will now be able to attend 2 matches at Old Trafford. WOOOOHO!

11. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?

Zeek can date anyone he wants, anytime of the year. Haha. Well I guess I will torture the ladies if I did that, so my first rule would probably be....Hmmmm....I dont know. Maybe I will go with 'The more you fart, the more chicks and coconuts you get.' This will be for the men. The rule for women would be, 'If you fart less than 30 times a day then you will not get any coconuts or guys.'

12. You have been given the opportunity to create the half-hour TV show of your own design. What is it called and what's the premise?

I will have to agree with Sukie's concept. My blog is my own TV show. So it will be "Kites Fly High". It displays my life. And also the empty dreams of Egyptians.

13. What is your favorite curse word?

Shenf. Is that considered a curse?

14. One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren't really doing anything, they're just standing around your bed. What do you do?

I will scream what do you think I will do silly!

15. Your house is on fire! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don't worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what's the item?

I dont know. One item would never compensate. I would have them all or lose them all.

16. The Angel of Death has descended upon you. Fortunately, the Angel of Death is pretty cool and in a good mood, and it offers you a half-hour to do whatever you want before you bite it. Whatcha gonna do in that half-hour?

Pray and kiss my parents.

17. You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what's even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What's it gonna be?

Be invisible.

18. You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

31/12/1996. Taqui's birthday party which happened to be at his house.

19. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool stuff... you can move to anywhere else in the world! Bitchin'! What country are you going to live in now?

England. Being close to Manchester. I could cum just thinking about that. LOL

20. Hopefully you didn't mention this in the super-powers question.... If you did, then we'll just expand on that. Suddenly, you have gained the ability to FLOAT!!! Whose house are you going to float to first, and be like "Dude, ... I can FLOAT!"?

Maha Azmy. Haha, how hotness is that Mojito?!

21. The constant absorption of magical moonbeams mixed with the radioactive vegetables you consumed earlier has given you the ability to resurrect the dead famous-person of your choice. So which celebrity will you bring back to life?

Biggy. :(

22. The Gates of Hell have opened, and Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person, etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?

Ramy Hodroj. May he R.I.P

23. What's your theme song?

The End Is The Beginning Is The end. By The Smashing Pumpkins from the movie Batman and Robin.

I am finally DONE! LOL. The match is over and Inter Milan won 2-0. What a great way to celebrate the comeback of Zeek's blog.

Finally, I would like to say Happy Birthday to both my 2 Khaled friends. Khaled Moussa and Khaled Fathi. They are both 25 now. Wow!

Oh I forgot to mention that the counter at the bottom of my page says that the number of hits on my blog is more than 1000.Yeey! I will go celebrate now; have my shisha and tea. Thanks everyone who visited my blog, even if you visited it once and didnt like it. Thanks for stopping by. :)

Babbbbbbbbbbyyyyy!

2006-11-26T13:35:00.000+02:00

People!

I miss you all. A lot of issues I would like to talk about, actually been wanting to post something for like 10 days now but didnt get the time. Anyway I am actually working now but logged on for 2 reasons; to reply to a comment I receieved by someone called 'Vem' in my previous post, you can read it here, and for another reason that you guys will be about to know now.....

Something great happened in my life. It could be one of those happy moments that come like twice or 3 times in your life. Ok I will explain. Last Wednesday at 6 a.m. I was reading a Billy Corgan journal on his website, and then I found a link to his space. Anyway I am not a myspace user, and do not know actually how to browse on it, but anyway I was on it and then I dont know how, but I managed to be on the page of someone called 'The Pumpkin Queen'. She is working for the band and she meets up with them like every day in the studio. She is currently looking for people (mainly Smashing Pumpkins fans) to do artwork for the band and their website. I emailed her.

Subject: Egyptian Pumpkin

Hey Pumpkin Queen;

I was browsing on myspace and I found your page after going through several leads. I guess I got to it after checking the journal by Jimmy. Anyway let me introduce myself, I am Sherif, not a Sheriff like you say in your country, but Sherif. This is my name; I dont know if you are familiar with Arabic names. :)

Yes I am Egyptian, bred and born here, raised here, visited half the world, I am not that rich though. I started listening to the Pumpkins when I was 11 years old. I'll be 24 in Feb by the way. You just dont know how much I am into the Pumpkins. I know how fans keep referring to themselves day and night as the biggest fan, but let me tell you something, I am sure about being the biggest SP and Billy Corgan fan in the Middle East.

I dont know if you have ever been to Egypt, but I have been to the USA and people there think we are still riding camels. Let me put it like this, we have avid music fans here. Rock and Alternative form a huge sector in our society. And I have lots of friends who are into the Pumpkins. Most of them became fans due to my passion towards the band but you have to know this, and please inform Billy the king about it too; THERE IS A HUGE SMASHING PUMPKINS BASE HERE IN CAIRO. :) *sorry for using the caps, I just wanted to prove something* lol

I listen to SP every day since I was 11. Some people even say I look like Billy Corgan. I am a Pisces too. I have a 'ZERO' tee and I basically own every single album released by SP, Billy, ZWAN, Jimmy and James, b-sides, etc...

I listen to many artists, but you just dont know how I am committed and attached to SP. I am still living in the past, I dont even try new bands, I am a loyal fan and never got bored of repeating the same stuff again and again and again.

I dont know how to draw not even a fish. I dont write poems. I write football articles though. I am not emailing you to prove something or ask you out through the internet like some perverts that I am sure bombarded your publicly displayed email. I am just in love with the Pumpkins and I would love if my message reaches Billy.

I want Billy to know that there is a guy named Sherif Zaki who is sitting right now in Egypt at 6:20 a.m. listening to Tonight Tonight while working on a presentation that he has to submit to work in 3 hours. Tell him that a Muslim guy (I already know how most of the west think about Muslims) who speaks fluent Arabic is currently waiting for the new album since June last year. Tell him that this guy bought Mellon Collie & The Infinite Sadness in '94 and is proud to say that this was the first ever album he ever buys, knows all his lyrics by heart. Tell him that this guy was hopeless after the band seperated officially in 2000. Tell him that this guy ordered his poetry book and had The Future Embrace on the day they were out by ordering them overseas and it was a lot of trouble but it was WORTH IT. Tell him that on the same day when Billy said he want his bands and dreams back, I was in tears.

I dont know what to say, I could keep talking for hours. I hope I meet Billy one day. If there is a way for him to send me an email through you, at least by only typing one sentence, so I can print it and frame it on the walls at work and home, I'll be forever grateful. If I can send you my pic and he would write me an autograph, it would be just like heaven.

Phew! I think I better stop, I think I bored you.

SP for life.

Cheers.

Sherif.
The biggest Pumpkin Fan in Egypt and the Middle East.

So anyway I was very happy while I was writing the email and was more happy the moment I sent it. I thought that maybe, maybe, a little maybe she could read. I know that thousands like me send their emails and only the lucky ones pass through. At least I wanted her to know that SP's favorite fan is living here in Cairo, the city that never sleeps.

Back to the subject. I come back today to work. With a smile on my face and singing in a loud voice. I opened my inbox. Then checked my junk mail and I saw the name 'THE PUMPKIN QUEEN'. So I quickly marked the email message and moved it on to my inbox. Anyway, I am someone who likes a little bit of suspense and excitement. So i go up and grab my cup of tea, and come back to read the email. I was in shock before reading it, because I never thought she would even read my email, let alone replying to me!

Subject: Re: Egyptian Pumpkin

dear sherif -
that is one of the most beautiful letters for the band
i have ever received.

you will be happy to know, i'm in the studio right now
with billy and jimmy and i just sent it to their emails
so they could read it too. so, at the very least, you can
wake up or go to bed knowing that billy corgan has
read the letter from sherif zaki. :)

do you have a myspace sherif? let me know.
take care
and thank you so much for your earnest and genuine
support of the pumpkins.

xoxo
TPQ

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! BAABBBBBBBBBYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! I am actually DANCING RIGHT NOW!

Even if Billy never replies. Even if he didnt read the email. Even if you think I am stupid. The most important thing is that Billy knows by now that there is a big fan here in Cairo, Egypt. The country that 'VEM' hates to be associated with. The country that 'VEM' is living in but hates to be identified with. At last after all those years, Billy Corgan knows about me! I never expected her to read the email. I never expected her to reply. She replied, She forwarded the email to both Billy and Jimmy!!! Thank God!

I am happy. I am more happy than anyone right now. I could just retire and sit at home, watch my football matches and eat for the rest of my life. I could even stop listening to the Pumpkins and stop listening to music in general.

This is a moment in life when you feel you accomplished everything and now it is time to have some rest. Time to relax. Time to smile even more.

Billy Corgan knows about me. Billy Corgan knows about me.

I am proud to be his fan. Proud to be a Smashing Pumpkin Fan.

Maybe Manchester United will lose tonight to Chelsea. Maybe Israel will bomb the Arab world including my beloved Egypt. Maybe people will stop wearing FCUK and drinking Pepsi. Maybe Gamal Mubarak wouldnt be our new president.

Till any of these things happen; I am the king and you are all puppets. You are all suckers!

The non-suckers know who they are. They could feel my approval. They could feel satisfied because they are accepted by me.

Ok. Back to work now.

You know what! I am not even going to work now. I will take the rest of the day off.

I will be him

SUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1.2.3.4.5.6.7.8.9.10

2006-11-20T19:58:00.000+02:00

It is 8 pm now we are Monday

Been awake for a long time

I do remember finishing work at 6 am and was back to the office after that by 3 hours

All this is happening because I am doing this research and I am happy working on it

I went to the bathroom a lot during the past 2 days

I dont mind going a lot anyway

I got a weird email from someone who sent me this video from youtube

Please find below the content

Video Description

وصلنى من اخى الصغير هذا المقطع الذى كان يظن انه جزء مما حدث فى وسط البلد و لكنى اكتشفت ان المتحرشين هم جمهور الكره الذين كانوا يحملون الاعلام الوطنية
قاموا بخلع ملابس الفتاه على البوابة المغلقة - فصرخت الفتاه يا لهوىىىىى
و اضطر بعدها العسلكر لفتح البوابة و ادخالها لتسقط ارضا
وتستر نفسها بالعلم ...
اعتقد ان المصور هو احد رجال الامن بالداخل
Personal Message

and yu say soccer is the best sport?

Thanks,
someone

I wonder why this 'someone' didnt sign with his/her name

Maybe the person is afriad of me

Why are you afriad of me

Soccer is the best sport

It is simple

Soccer is the best sport

It is not hard to say it

Soccer is the best sport

I witnessed educated guys masturbating in the best universities in the region

Imagine what would someone who earns 60 LE a month do

He only get to see girls on T.V.

That is if he has access to T.V.

This poor guy saw a blond girl beside him

You just dont know how people here look up to blonds

Lots of Egyptians are born with love towards the blonds

The guys were tortured

They wanted a piece of the cake

They wanted a sip of the cherry juice

They wanted to smell the flowers

They wanted to touch the gold

They wanted to feel the jelly

They wanted to taste the peanut butter and jam

This could happen anywhere

It happened before and it will happen again

Soccer is the best sport

The gate in the video represents the one of the Third Class Stand

It is her fault; why is she entering from there in the first place

Girls always blame everything on guys

You saw a video and now you say soccer is bad, soccer is evil, soccer sucks

Dont generalise like the Americans

Soccer is the best sport

Oh one more thing

Repeat after me please

Soccer is the best sport

Diamonds Are Forever

2006-11-16T12:17:00.000+02:00

First of all I would like to thank a special dude who acts like the 'spell check' on Microsoft Word. Sometimes I blog and due to my tight schedule, I just get off in a glimpse. This dude reads my blog and points out the catastrophic spelling mistakes of mine :) You rock 'K', I dont know where would I be now if you werent in my life.

I forgot my mobile last Tuesday at home. This was the first time since 96/97 that I spend 10 hours without a mobile. It felt so good and so real. I believe the mobile is the devil. I go back and compare my first ever mobile the Ericsson 388 which had a screen made of a thin straight line and now all the mobiles have screens as large as tv's with ring tones, videos, pictures, WAP, GPRS, etc.. it is really evil! Now you could be sitting drinking from a coconut under a palm tree in Qatar and sending live pics of yourself to someone in an Aerosmith gig at Vancouver. When we were young, we used to plan like Hitler used to plan before war in order to talk to our girlfriends. We used to have plan A, B and C. And sometimes they all fail. What if one of her parents answered? What time are we supposed to call? What if her dad ask me about my name? Thank God the caller id's hit the country when we were older or else we would have never managed to talk to girls back then. Nowadays kids are walking with mobiles all the time. So a 10 year old kid can now call the girls, send them his pics while taking a shower and minute-by-minute updates on his life. Now you believe me that the mobile is the devil?

The past 3 days have been hectic yet enjoyable. A Greek Football agent was here to watch some players in the Olympic National Team (U-21) and he was basically with me 15 hours every day. We went to the stadium twice to watch Egypt agaisnt Kuwait and Algeria respectively. We really sucked. Some players stand out but we really did suck in both matches. Best thing about all this is that I was seated in the VIP Box at the stadium. I am someone who loves the supporters in the Third Class Stand as they represent the real followers of any team. The first time I ever sit in the Second Class tier was last January in the African Cup of Nations. I've been going to the stadium for the past 13 years and I never witnessed going to the First Class stand let alone the VIP Box. I felt like both a king and a queen. I felt like the president. I felt sorry for myself and all the Egyptians as we severly suffer when we go to the stadium and are harshly treated all the time. At the Vip Box, they keep offering you Arabian Tea, Mineral Water and the Team sheet with all the names of the players and staff. In the first match, I suddenly discovered that I am going to sit beside Louis Van Gaal; one of the few coaches who won it all. I couldnt believe myself, I was dreaming and to add to that, my boss and I took him afterwards to dinner along with the Technical Director of AZ Alkmaar and the Greek Agent at Le Steak, a fine French restaurant on the nile at Le Pacha. I was semi-formal and all dressed up, something I really dont like but it was worth it. I took the Greek Agent the day after to Sequoia or whatever you spell it to have dinner and the guy loved the place and the atmosphere to an extent that he insisted on going there again last night which was practically his last 5 hours in Cairo. We ate a lot and had enough shisha to bomb Florida. George is a cool dude and I am glad I met him. He is one of the best agents in the business and I learnt from him a lot.

I would like to point out something and clarify it because some people get things in a different way. I believe that each one of us has an audience just like any influential person in the world. Actors, Painters, Presidents, Singers, etc... all have their audeince and people who look up to them. My friends are my audeince and I am part of the audience to each one of them. My friends like me and I like them too. But I am to my friends different than the president to his people. Hosni Mubarak for example cannot come out now with an afro and say I love the hips. But I can and so can you. If Mubarak comes out and say he likes to watch movies of gay sex, then it will be his last statement as a president. If Britney Spears comes out now and say she hates Arabs, then her audience will decline. And the examples go on and on. The reason I am saying all this, is because some people get offended at times from what I say. I believe they are my friends. They shouldnt be, because they should take me and accept me as I am. They should love me like I love them no matter what I write in my blog. I am not a celebrity to lose my audience or hurt their feelings. And the annoying thing is that I dont come out with weird comments or stuff that could hurt someone's feelings. In my last post I said I like the ass. If people think that from the moment I wake up till the moment I sleep I keep looking and zooming on asses then they should really get a life. This is stupid and anyone who think that doesnt actually know me. Plus, everyone I know and everyone I dont know likes something specific in one's body. Just for them to stay silent about it shouldnt make me evil for saying it. It is again the same sequence like any other thing people are ashamed to say they do like farting and burping and eating with their hands and screaming in the shower and and and. I rest my case with you people.

Verification Codes! This is something annoying me more than the smell of dirty pigs that you can experience when you are beside the ring road going to 6th of October City. Life was beautiful before such codes. Now everytime you update something in your email, you have to enter that code. The 5 looks like an S. The 9 looks like a small G (g). It is very stupid and irritating.

My friend Kane was having a conversation with this girl. It was the first time they meet. She was impressed with him and wanted to tell him 'Kane you are hot', but she didnt know how. So she asked him to say Coffee and Shot. So he was like: 'Co'ff'eeee' and 'Sho'tttt'. She was like 'OOOOH you have this New Yorker accent that I really like.'

Now this is stupid. I mean this is one of the most lame things I ever heard. The girl liked my friend. She could either tell him in the eye or if she want to point it out then she could have done it in any other way, but this is not even funny. LOL

Now I am eating Croissant and Pate 'Al Faysal' along with Vinegar Chipsy.

Thug Life...

2006-11-12T15:06:00.000+02:00

Hello hello! I miss my blog. I miss it the same way a shy woman misses her bikini during pregnancy. I decided to post a blog now. I have been working like a mad cow for the past few weeks and now I want to blog. The way I want to blog now is the same way any newly married couple would want their wedding to end so they can get it on. I want to blog the same way Cinderella wanted to remain in the party and never get back home. I want to blog the same way like the Saudi guys in the previous post wanted to touch those women. I want to blog like never before.

A local fast food restaurant here in Egypt, not good, and also not bad, with a name that is not good, and also not bad is suddenly more popular than Pizza Hut. For one reason or another, it is called 'Smiley's Grill'. Their logo is very simple and stupid and childish and lame yet you will find it everywhere you go. Stickers of their logo is on every car now. I believe that they wait when everyone is asleep and they just go and stick it on the cars and on the walls. I hate Smiley's Grill more than FCUK.

So a few days back, I was on my way to work and talking to Kane and suddenly I was stopped by a policeman. The same policeman who stopped me 2 months ago and asked for my license because I was again talking in the mobile. The first time, I was able to convince him to give it back to me and insisted to pay an immediate charge. So when he stopped me this time, I already knew he would accept money, because I believe in 'once you pop, you cant stop' and this guy would accept any money you give him. The problem is that I am not a good driver anyway. I hate driving. I hate it just like billiards, golf, darts, shooting and horseback riding. I rarely answer my phone while driving because I do not like the interruption. Anyway, some may say: 'Ok Zeek, why dont you get this bluetooth thing to talk freely?' Dont ask me why but I consider these bluetooth ear phones totally GAY! They are so so gay that I would not even accept it as a present from the hottest babe around! It is so uncool and so out of style and makes you feel like a bloody Saudi businessman who is wearing perfume from head to bottom and wearing a white shirt and white pants and prada shoes and has a light trimmed beard. I dont want to look like that. I dont want to feel like that and I dont want to live like that.

Last week while I was remembering the school days (something that I've been doing at least 3 times a day for the past 8 years), I suddenly remembered that its been a long time since I ate peanut butter and so I ordered a whole jar that I almost finished last night! As a kid growing up in the Egyptian way, I used to take fries and ma7shy with me to school. No one in our family even knew what peanut butter is or tried it. LOL. I was always surrounded with lots of foreigners and Egyptian 'Cool' dudes in my class, which I was proud to be growing up with them and still have them in the highest regard. Those were the best days of my life without a doubt. So anyway, my friends used to come to school with peanut butter & jam sandwiches. I didnt understand what is this. I knew the jam, but I didnt know what is this peanut butter. I thought it is a brown nutella, but it wasnt. I fell in love with it and wanted to hug the person who introduced me to that magic. The same people introduced me to different things back in school such as marmalade and castard to name a few; but nothing felt so Zeek the same way like peanut butter. Thank you guys.

As I mentioned earlier in the post; the past few weeks were full of work madness. Even when I used to go out to the normal cafes I usually go to, I used to take my laptop and work from there. Apart from being anti-technology, the first time for me to take my laptop and sit in a cafe was last May. Even though I have the laptop since 2 years now but I rarely use it. I am more attached to the normal pc's. I even have a wireless connection at home that I do not use much, BUT I have to admit; I Loved how it feels to work while eating your sandwich and blowing smoke rings with the shisha and above all watching a football match. This was the ultimate. Now I am so in love with wifi. Look at it this way. I love working online. I do a lot of things online. Why do I have to stop when I go out? I could just go out and do the things I have to do, and enjoy my time with my friends, with my shisha and with my football. Some again may say, how come you do a lot of online work and you are anti-technology? My reply is, I love being online. I love the msn and I dont consider it a waste of time. I've been loving msn before anyone getting hooked on it. I love the football forums and the news. I could spend 7 hours online straight and leave and still feel that there was still much to do. I dont consider this as technology. I hate all the stuff inside the computer like the program files and windows and I dont know what and all those silly things are doing here. For me, the computer is internet browsing for work and research, and fun along with the msn messanger. So from now on, I will try to go to cafes more often with my laptop, wearing green and my collar will be up just like Johnny Bravo.

Each one of us, girls before boys, loves something specific in the other gender's body. I am not saying face features, I am saying body wise. Some girls would look at the chest. Some would look at his back. Some would look at his overall body look or at his hips. When it come to guys, some would look at her boobs. Some would look at her belly. Some would look at legs. Some would would look at her toes. And so on. My friends call me crazy, they say my taste is weird in women. I dont really care what people think about a certain girl. I could look at someone and find her pretty for a reason I cannot explain. But apart from saying someone is pretty or not, what if you ask me now, what is it you Zeek like more than anything else? What is it you Zeek like more than anything else but you also really dont care if you end up with someone who doesnt have it?

Zeek stands just like Hitler used to do full of himself and says: THE ASS.

It all started when I was 9 years old and watched this music video by Sir Mix-a-Lot called 'Baby Got Back'! DAAAAAAAAMN!!! Imagine a poor kid like me watching this video. I so loved it. I kept watching it again and again for the next 2 hours. I thought to myself...If Sir Mix-a-Lot likes the ass then so should you little boy!

I declare:

1. Do I love the ass more than any other body feature in the girl? Hell yeah.
2. Would I date or even like a girl just for her beautiful ass? Hell no.
3. Do I even think about the ass whenever I decide if I like someone or no? Hell no.
4. So the ass is purely something I just love more than anything else in girl's body but I care less if she doesnt even have an ass? Hell yeah.
5. Am I proud of picking the ass out of all the body features to love? Hell yeah. Some people prefer to look at toes and shoulders. What do you call such insane men who look at toes?!!

This post was written yesterday and I couldnt post it because I had lots of stuff at work. Voila. Btw, I have 2 cups of tea in front of me right now. One Earl Grey and the other is tea with mint.

2006-11-07T00:11:00.000+02:00

Harassment in Saudi

Actually what you guys will be about to watch is something that happens every single day in most if not all the countries across the world. The thing is, these guys got sentenced to 12 years in Jail.

I am laughing here (not on the jail sentence, but on the video itself. This could win top prize in the funniest videos ever)

Everybody Loves Johnny Depp He Is The Only 2 Legged Creature That No One Hates

2006-10-31T23:39:00.000+02:00

This is a message to humanity. I am in my 15th hour here at work. It is ok because I spent more than that before when we had more load; but I am seriously not focusing much this time. I drank a lot of tea. A lot of pineapple juice. A lot of water. A lot of peeing. A lot of writing. A lot of thinking. A lot of brainstorming. A lot of typing. And a lot of dancing while doing the typing and thinking and brainstorming and drinking and peeing.

I like to always come out with those little dancing techniques you know moving your shoulder and your head in a funky way. I love doing so. Call me a loser but I enjoy it.

Last night I watched the movie 'Good Burger' for the 31st time I think. I so love this movie. Even some kids could think this movie is stupid, yet I find it very very funny. Call me a loser one more time I dont care.

"Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger, can I take your order?"

I got a weird comment in a previous post; someone called me a babe!

If you call this guy who sleeps in the ahwa and people take photos and make fun of him a BABE; then honey, you seriously need to wear some glasses.

Now I depart. Peace and love upon you people.

The bomb

2006-10-29T21:57:00.000+02:00

You Are a Snarky Blogger!

You've got a razor sharp wit that bloggers are secretly scared of.
And that's why they read your posts as often as they can!

What Kind of Blogger Are You?

White baby

2006-10-29T16:58:00.000+02:00

What Your Underwear Says About You

You like to think of yourself as innocent, even though you're not!

You are childlike (or childish), and prone to run around in your underwear.

The Underwear Oracle

I like!

2006-10-29T16:28:00.000+02:00

Pepperoni Pizza

Robust and dominant.
When you go for something, you go full force.
You tend to take control of situations easily.
And in return, you get a ton of respect.

What's Your Pizza Personality?